one who doesn't give a crap about the royal wedding

Am I the only one who doesn't give a crap about the royal wedding?
I don't support marriage as it is but...if you're gonna do it then do it within your family, or better yet just in the company of you and your loved one and some dude who marries you off. I don't undertsand the thrill of watching others get married. People are weird.

Oh and I lost a follower. Dude, you crazy cause of the royal gang bang?!

how can they be so sure that the sun will burst out towards our planet?

Okay if this crazy solar storm is gonna happen I hope it'll take place when it's night time over here and Estonia is on the dark side of the earth.
Just saw some TV show where the prime minister or someone like that commented on the subject and he was taking the piss. I mean it would be okay if he did it when he had consulted some Estonian scientist first. But I guess it could be a sneaky strategy to get people to spend money on shit to finally get over the economy crisis.
Oh and okay there is a storm and NASA can predict that, how can they be so sure that the sun will burst out towards our planet? What if it bursts out to the opposite direction of the earth? Fishy stuff anyway. Well, I should be okay anyway cause my mother lives in the countryside and we don't depend on electricity as much.

Just because a dude fucks a butt doesn't mean he's the king of the world

Okay, I just saw the Glee spoilers for the prom episode. And I swear before knowing anything I knew Kurt was gonna win. Seriously, shut the fuck up already with the gay business! Just because a dude fucks a butt doesn't mean he's the king of the world. Ryan Murphy disgusts me. He is such a sick gay freak. I bet Chris Colfer sucks his dick during breaks.
I mean I'm all for anykind of sexuality but this "gay dude in your face" business is just more than enough!

Definitely one of my all time favourite arias

I think I had the best day of the year two days ago. I felt soooo good. Hardly any anxiety and I could ride my bike. A little. And when I read my cards that day I got Cordelia. :) Which basically means I did good by being outside in the sun.
Oh and I haven't talked to my family ever since the father turned to shit again a few days ago. And I don't even plan to talk to any of them cause I know they all think and do what my father does cause he's a tyran.
There is a chance that my mother will come and pick me up and brings me to Tartu. I hope so cause I kinda have a feeling I won't last the whole way there, emotionally, on a bike.
Yeah and I think I've posted this before but if not then here:

Man, I love the viola on this! Definitely one of my all time favourite arias.

life is difficult

Fuck! Enough of this end of the world bullshit! If it happens it happens, no need to talk about it like...a year before it and cause panic.

Other than that reading all this stuff about molecular biology, genetics and stuff makes me think that....life is difficult.

Glee Born This Way review

Okay, so about everything is represented in Glee? Religion? Really?
So when most of the fuckers are christian and the only non-christian Kurt is gone every religion is represented? I guess it shows the state of mind of christians, as expected, that states that the only religion in the world is christianity and everything else is satanic (but that's still christian).

Gaga - the queen of self love? Again, really? She is the queen of copying other people's originality and selling records based on talking bullshit.

About Quinn not getting to be the prom queen - erm, so being overweight is the way to be but being thin and pretty is a crime and a sin? Just because you're fat, sing and dance doesn't mean you can be a fucking doctor or a president. Everyone has their own fucking place and some people are not easthetically beautiful and that's that.

About the Pretty/Unpretty business - okay I'm seriously not a fan of those twats sitting infront of the other Glee clubbers and making their sour faces while singing "over-emotional and deep" songs. (Not that there is anything wrong with the songs but it's just the context they're in)

Finn's "I gotta be meeeeeeeeeeeee" - too much Rachel Berry/Lea Michele in it, what with the raising arms and all.

Erm, who the hell cares what the Sasquatch has to say? Shut your fat face, bitch!

Dave thing. Okay, yodeling bitches, fucking accept everyone! Isn't that you motto or something? If someone hates you or treats you like shit as you deserve then fucking accept and love it cause that's what yous stand up for.

"I'm gonna barf" - yeah, that's what I'd do too if I had to live with that fat face every day.

Kurt's dad sucks monkey but. Since the beginning til the end of time. He can shut the fuck up aswell and accept that not everybody likes gays. It's his own fault for bringing up a son who is not able to stand up for himself. Douchebag.
A guy would never ever discuss his sexuality with his enemy. End of. And who the fuck is Kurt to tell Dave he needs to be educated. Not everyone's fucking gay and not everybody wants or needs to know about this shit, jaysas!

Yeah, Darren Criss is the shit. He's good. It's like Glee is an extra in his whole career and a passerby in his life.

Lucy business - okay so everyone now is an ugly duckling? Everyone is born fat and then turns into a bitchy beautiful skinny girl? And it's like a total scientific fact that everyone who is overweight wants to be skinny and pretty cause they're all being picked on and look like shit! Oh and that Lauren bitch is like so much better and such a lovely person for ruining other girl's dream to become the prom queen. I mean if you're skinny, beautiful and ambitious you're a bitch. But if you're fat and an amazing person (read: a cunt) then everyone must bow down to you and kiss your beefy butt.

About the councelling scene - okay, a therapist is not allowed to tell a patient about themselves. They have to discuss the patient's problem not the therapist's depression after birth and how she felt like the baby was a stranger. Who gives a crap about her? If you've got issues go get councelling, don't talk about your problems to your patients ant take their money for it, eejit.


Ahahahaaaaaa "I'm with stupid [arrow down]" on Puck. Yeah, do they're not accepting a person who likes to sleep around? Well done, Glee, well done! You're like a fucking walking cheesy contradiction.
Speaking of, the Sasquatch should've worn a shirt that says "I was born" or "Rode an inappropriate partner".

Red Riding Hood sitting in grass with some animal and an arrow pointing towards it with text "It's some god". The fuck!?

I had the weirdest dream. I saw myself playing a "computer/video game" which was actually taking place in real life. You had to pick up a garlic glove and move it to another place while hurdling obstacles. Then had to go back to the start, pick up a spider and bring it over to the other side like the garlic. Then a girl I used to go to school with showed up and she started playing the game aswell, she had to pick up a spider and garlic glove aswell and later on it was like...a fly and a fish. Fucking weird game!
Then Brian McFadden appeared and showed his new tattoo which was of Red Riding Hood sitting in grass with some animal and an arrow pointing towards it with text "It's some god". The fuck!?

Alexander

Alexander is on TV.
What the fuck? They all speak in English, okay.
The mother speaks with "Russian" accent. The son speaks in either Irish or some weird British accent.
Angelina is a decent enough actress though. But the casting person totally got it wrong, she is too young to play the mother. Either this or the make up people are crap.

Card Of The Day - Ixchel

"Thank you so much for your help, father!" This is what my father sarcastically told me last night, except he said daughter instead of father. I was totally ready to start moving towards Tartu last night. Ugh and since I cannot go even on my bike I will go there on foot. I don't give a shit if it's "crazy" or "not normal".
Anyway, this card I got today when asked about the whole father-Tartu-anxiety business. He just fucking has to piss me off and make my anxiety worse. I do not obey any man and never will. Period!
I also talked to my mother today and told her if I'm sent to hospital then I will kill myself. And I mean it. I do not accept the anxiety and depression cause it's made my life hell. They do not belong with me, they are not a part of me or my life and I will never accept them and I will never again go to hospital to treat the conditions. If I'm forced I will end it all myself cause I will not let anyone else tell me I have these conditions and they need to be looked at.
Anyway, I'm off to practice walking. To see how far and long I'm able to walk without collapsing.

edtgfhnjmkol;kjtreawsd xcvvnSDFGHJKL;'

Shit, how I loathe men!!!!!!!!!!!! I FUCKING HATE THEM ALL. FUCKING FUCK YOURSELVES YOU CHEESEDICKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Shittttttttttttttttttttttt, he keeps coming to my room to talk about this shit. I swear I'm so close to running away from this hell.







shit, andA I SIAD I\LL FUCKING DO THE SHITTY DISHES JUST NOT WHEN HE TELLS ME TO. HE'S A FUXCKING NOBODU AND HE DOESN'T FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO. SUCK DICK YOU SHIT YOU SHIT YOUSHIT YOU SHIT YOU SHIT YOU SHIT. I FUCKING LOAHTE TH HELL OUT OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I SWEAR HE COMES TO MY ROOM ONE MORE TIME I WILL FUCKING GET ON THE BIKE AND GO TO TARTU THROUGH THE FUCKING NIGHT.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shut up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, my father's going on again how my stepmother works herself to death and I as a woman am not doing anything at home. I swear!!!!!!!! I hate his shitty sexism and chauvinism!!!!!!
I'm fucking struggling so hard with my anxiety and staying calm (fuck, even a bike ride freaks me out and eating!) and in he comes with his shit for brains sexist talk. I swear I loathe it sooooooooooooooooo much. He can totally suck dick if he's so manly. I don't give a shit, I won't be his fucking slave!
Ugh, if riding the bike didn't freak me out so much I'd get on it first thing in the morning and get the fuck away from this sexist shit. It's unbelievable how sexist one can be!!!! He's always putting me with my 11 year old brother so when he told me I wasn't doing the dishes I told well the brother isn't doing it either. And then he's like fucking protecting him like he doesn't need to do anything. Of course he doesn't he's a fucking tiny man. And men only do FUCK ALL.
Argghhhhhhhh, he came in again and was like blahhhhhhhhh.

I swear he drives me crazy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Every fucking mindless thing on earth that is anything with a pussy do the dishes, spread your legs for the glorious god that is a dick, suck it, fuck and then get back to cooking and doing the dishes. I swear all men should be fucking gay. Fuck each other and stay away from humans, that is women. I will never ever. Ever! Get married. I swear, I'm a lot closer to suicide as it is but I'd totally rather kill myself than do anything for a man. Never will I ever please any man. Fuck, no more blowjobs and luckily for me I always come before the man so I will fucking treat them like they should be treated. Or I deliberately get pregnant and force the custody to the man. Hell, I'm half crazy and monyless and jobless anyway. I'd only do it to ruin a man's life. I swear, I wanna kill a man. Any man. Fucking bring it bitches, I will fucking kill you.

Card Of The Day - Mawu & Ixchel

Why, why why!? I just got in from a bike ride. That lasted like....5 minutes. Because for some idiotic reason I get anxiety attacks now when riding a bike. Like, seriously. What. The. Fuck? Cause of the new pills the general nausea has died down but I cannot believe the bike ride made me anxious. How on earth am I supposed to get to Tartu?! I can't go by bus, train or car and now I can't get there even on a fucking bike. Do I really need to fucking walk up there? I swear this body! Like, I did energy cleansing the other day with stepmother and decided to be positive and fucking loving about my body but it's so fucking ridiculous that I just can't love it. My body is an idiot! Flat out! Anxiety this, nausea that, panic all over! For fuck's sake!
And these two cards are about me going to Tartu by bike. Whatever Mawu means but this Ixhel business I don't wanna know. Everytime I get messed up Ixchel pops up.
Blah, everything is so shitty! I wanna go to fucking Tartu and ride my bike, I don't wanna know about any anxiety! Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, I'm just gonna go back to the garden. Walk up there! And work cause otherwise I'd be sitting at home, in my room alone and let my fucking body party in loneliness, away from the scary bike! Jaysas, the idiocy of the body!

Card Of The Day - Sarasvati & White Tara

Okay, I have no idea what it's supposed to mean.
I did get my new medicine which hopefully will make me feel better and I can eat again.
It is unbelievably hot out today (for spring) so I'll be going to the garden. I downloaded the film/animation Up last night and have to write Estonian subtitles to it so I can watch it with the family. Yeah, will be doing it in the garden. I guess you can put it under The Arts. It's sort of like writing.
And the sensitivity card obviously is worrying since I'm super sensitive as it is.
Oh and I talked to my mother las night and she suggested starting moving towards Tartu in the middle of the night. She suggested 4 o'clock. Cause that's when there's less traffic on the highway. Um, yeah I dunno about that.
Oh and I just remembered I got Abundantia the other day and Bast I think and something else aswell.

I can't live. At all.

Oh dear. So in order to be able to eat and lessen the nausea and anxiety I took a few drops of Diazepam.
Think I overdozed cause I feel so dizzy.
Okay, if that thing works as an overdoze and I cannot live without it then...I can't live. At all.

Glee A Night Of Neglect review

I actually laughed out loud at this bit:
"The show must go all over the place or something"
Win!
Everything else....yeaaaah, whatever.




Well, that's what you get for riding that fat-faced Sasquatch in your bed. Kick the fat-pussied bitch out!

Galina

Ugh, what a crappy day it's been. Well,  crappy two days.
Yesterday I had a bit of an argument with my mother. Over the same damn thing that has been betweeb us for years. Universtiy business.
I told her I should've gone to university straight after graduating from secondary school. In reality she wouldn't let me, her exact words were "If you wanna go to university, move out of my house, find your own place to live in, a job and then you can do whatever the hell you want. As long as you're living under my roof, you're going to work and give me half of your salary as rent". And that is exactly what she said. And back then my father said he'd support us and stuff but my mother wasn't having any of it.
And yesterday she started telling me how I wanted to go and do an expensive course of psychology after school. The hell I wanted! I didn't know shit about psychology back then and had no interest in it whatsoever. I wanted to do English literature. I know that for a fact! And then she started saying how she never told me about finding my own place and all that, plus she said I never told her about my dad agreeing to support us. Plus back then she said "where did you get that stupid idea from" as a response to my statement "I wanna go to a university". And yesterday she started saying how she never told that. Ugh, I know for a fact that she did cause otherwise I wouldn't have spent all these years being mad at her. And then she started saying how I need to go to the hospital and shit. And I don't wanna go. The thought of going back to hospital gives me a panic and anxiety attack, so....no I won't be going anywhere.
So because of that argument I felt like shit in the evening and through the night.
Also there were lots of plates and pots in the sink waiting to be washed. And since I felt like shit I wasn't gonna do the dishes. Thougth I'd do it this morning but!
My father so self-righteously and chauvinistically and sexistically expected me to clean up after him and my brother while they pick their noses and scratch their balls and be men.
Things turned to shit in the morning though when my stepmoter got back from her sister's this morning and saw all of the mess. She was very pissed and I heard her talking to my father saying she didn't wanna talk to any of us. And she is totally right. I swear I have no problem doing the dishes but not when it's expected or taking for granted.
Yeah and then things turned shittier.
The reason my stepmother was talking to my father was cause his mother died this morning at 7.
I mean I only saw her like once, when I was about 2 but it's still serious family business.

Yeah...so a couple of shitty days.

Although I've managed to study a bit of geography.

Oh and I rang my psychiatrist today and I will be getting more tablets, just for the examination and applying for universities time. The local pharmacy will get the pills on Thursday. They should take away the nausea and make me a bit happier. Yeah and I did a bit of aromatherapy today. Okay, I dunno if it's the Diazepam drops or sandalwood but I started feeling proper sleepy so took a nap. Forced myself to get up so I'd sleep at night.

Yeah so...that's pretty much it.

Oh and about my grandmother that died, her name was Galina. My father's Russian and his parents live in Russia. Well, lived.

Beauty killed the beast

I just realised how scared of heights I am.
King Kong (the one with Jack Black and one that I have on DVD) is on TV and it's about to finish. The monkey and the woman are on top of the crazy high building. I swear I cannot look at it cause I get butterflies in my stomach, I cannot stand the view of the background, the city far away and wwwaaaayyy down below.

those weird sites again that have all sorts of weird photos

Somehow I got lost on those weird sites again that have all sorts of weird photos. Well here are some:

Parenting fails

There's a whole bunch of horrifying images on the website. Seriously, how the fuck are those people parents!? I might start supporting abortion when I see more pics like that.

Funny and creative design

Euwww, who would eat off that table?

  

I'm not even gonna post more pics of this page cause it's very disturbing and scary but worth a seek

Weird ass "creature"

More pics here and what it is here

Funny and clever ads

Ahahahahahaaa

What Adults See vs. What Kids See

Card Of The Day - White Tara (upside down) and Ixchel

Right. So Ixchel is the shizz. I drew more cards last ngith to get more explanation and I got Ixchel three more times. No lie.
So today I wanted to see what my health was gonna be like and I got White Tara upside down and for explanation I got Ixchel. Okay, I take it as my health isn't as sensitive as yesterday and things should get better. Righ?
Although I just got in from working in the garden and I just felt like shit. The other day when I went to see the GP he told me that stomach ulcer is when you have pain after eating and another type of ulcer is when you get hunger pains. And I think I have the hunger pain one, cause it seems to be more awful when I haven't eaten, that is most of the time then cause I cannot eat.

what I'm supposed to doooooo! (Card Of The Day - Ixchel (four times)&Abundantia (upside down))

Okay, so I got to ran about my stomach and get it off my chest. I decided to draw cards to see what the hell is going on. And by the looks of it I'm very much back in my last year. In one of my earlier posts I have mentioned that the Ixchel card has come up a lot and I swear, no lie, this card showed up three times in a row again.
So I asked what does my stomach want/need for it to feel better, got Ixchel.
So I asked, what brought on this sicky feeling, got and upside down Abundantia (which I got several times before). To make it clearer I asked what kind of abundance have I missed then that I feel so sick, got Ixchel.
So I asked again what I need to do to feel better, got Ixchel.
This card scares me cause I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I take pills for my stomach and anxiety and they're not helping. I don't know of any other way to heal myself.
My stepmother got a number of this guy that does energy cleansing type of thing, in Tartu so maybe I can meet up with him.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to doooooo!

(Okay, no lie, I drew another card asking what exactly I need to do, what kind of help am I supposed to get: medicinal, spiritual, emotional, physical and I got Ixchel. I swear!!! It's so spooky!!!)

FUCKING OBEY ME

Okay, it's been about a month now that I haven't been able to eat. What the fuck!?I just don't know why I feel sick. I take pills, I feel sick. I don't take pills, I feel sick. I eat, feel sick. I don't eat, feel sick. I go out, feel sick. I don't go out, feel sick. I do stuff, feel sick. I don't do anything, feel sick.
Seriously, I'm so not fucking going back to last year!
I wanna beat someone/something up so bad! How dare my body to feel sick so long? What the fuck have I done to deserve to feel like fucking shit for so long? Seriously, I don't have to fucking please this shitty body if it makes me feel like crap for so long. It's unforgivable.
Like, my stepmother said I have to ask for forgiveness from my body for causing it distress. Like, what the fuck?????!!! It's my fucking body and it fucking does what I want it to do. And if my stomach decides to be a bitch on me I'm not fucking accepting it as a part of my body. It can fucking get the fuck out of my body, fucking fuck itself and then fucking come back around and fucking kneeeeeel before me for ten fucking years (that's how long it's been causing me trouble) and fucking apologise and pleaaad for forgiveness and then I fucking punch the crap out of it and ridicule it and make it the most hated thing in the whole damn world so it feels like shit for the rest of its life and it will FUCKING OBEY ME and feel fucking good. UNDERSTOOD, YOU SHITTY PIECE OF A STOMACH!!!!???

Damn, why aren't I there?

Okay, so Glee is doing Rebecca Black's Friday.

:D

Wow, it must be so rewarding and incredible to work on Glee. I mean you get to sing songs that you and everybody else loves, be around the Sasquatch and suffer from gay overload. Damn, why aren't I there?

And I have nothing against Rebecca but come on! A nearly 30 year old singing the song is fucking ridiculous! I bet the guys are totally over the moon for it and love everything about Glee. What's not to love?! Cheese is the best thing ever!

living in a patch of moss during a week of heavy rain or a very shallow pond with lots of algae, little friendly fish and tadpoles

Ugh...it's such a depressing day today.
The weather is almost as bad as in Ireland, except it's not as damp eventhough it's raining and it's not as dim eventhough it's cloudy and grim. Living in Ireland felt like....living in a patch of moss during a week of heavy rain or a very shallow pond with lots of algae, little friendly fish and tadpoles. And that is exactly what it felt like.

Been having anxiety attacks for the last few days which is higly disturbing. I went to see my GP for a little something but had an anxiety attack right before so when I got in his office we talked about that. For about 40 mins and he said the next time I should book my appointment at the end of the day so I don't run into other people's appointment time.

Yeah and my father didn't recharge the camera yet so I haven't been able to do the Card Of The Day business. Drew a card the other day got Eireen again, the Peace card.

Yeah, and I was out quite a bit, riding my bike. Oh and played the violin in the little cottage in the garden. But I'm still too anxious to study. I just cannot sit still and concentrate on something. I've pretty much given up on my chance of retaking the exams. I just gotta do at least geography cause for biology in university they wanted and exam in biology, english and another science subject. Oh well, if I can't do biology I'll do english.

Ugh, I dunno where my head is

Ugh, I dunno where my head is cause I always leave the cooker on. And it's not the first time.
Thank god my little brother went to cook something for himself cause other wise the thing would have been all night. I just don't know why or how I forget such a thing.

Crazy bongo music

Kelso: Red, I know you said wait in the car, but Fez keeps playing his crazy bongo music.
Fez: It's called jazz, you Philistine.

I've had enough of those Y chromosome motherfucking retards

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
So my father was lovely enough again to come and preach.
I'm so sickened by his repulsive chauvinism and sexism!!!!!!
I'm forever asking my stepmother to tell me what to do in the household to help her and she says she'll tell me when she needs help. And here is my father again telling me to help her. I told him I wasn't gonna do anything because he tells me to, I only do things the stepmother tells me cause she is the boss no matter how much the father believes he is. He really is the typical man that comes home from work and does fuck all. And then complains how my stepmother has to do everything. I told him she goes to work aswell and doesn't get to sit and relax at home cause nobody does anything. And that very same thing he told me aswell, plus he once said (about me) when there's a woman in the house the place has to be spotless. So I asked him why isn't he doing anything and he was like "I'm not doing anything? I'm not doing anything!?" And then he went on to rant about how everyone gets food and shelter with his money. And I was like okay but the stepmother does exactly that, goes to work but when she comes home she doesn't get to relax. And my father thinks I'm supposed to help her cause I'm a woman. I asked him what would happen if I didn't live here, would she have to do everything herself. And he said no, then we (him and my brother) would help her. Seriously, fuck him with his sexism and chauvinism!!! I'm never gonna do what he tells me to do (or in his words he asks me).
Ugh, I just hate how everyone's stuck in this stupid stereotype of people, like when you're a woman you're a fucking housewfie with no personality, opinion and mind. A woman is just a machine men fuck when they feel like it. And you fucking have to shag the prick cause you're a woman. And when you're 25 you have to be half way through your big successful career, have a 30 000 acre land, a 5 million euro house, 5 kids and a fucking king who you fucking worship while he sits on his pricky throne and bosses bitches around and farts his damn ass off and picks on his bellybutton fluff. FFFFUUUUUUCCCCCKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I WILL NEVER EVER GET FUCKING MARRIED OR DO ANYTHING FOR ANY MAN. EVER!!! EVER!!!! NEVER FUCKING EVER! They can all suck one another's cocks and fucking die, shitty pricks! I swear my next partner will be a woman, I've had enough of those Y chromosome motherfucking retards.

Happy birthday "in advance"

Okay, talked to my mother today and thought it was the 12th. My mum's birthday is on the 13th, today.
But since I thought it was the 12th I wished her happy birthday "in advance". Oh well, at least she found it funny.

Card Of The Day - Guinevere

Pic on the way, the father's recharging the camera

Okay, this card is about finding love. True love, romantic love. I can't say there is actually anyone who I have my eye on but...maybe once I go to Tartu things will stir up a bit. I was very surprised to get the card cause...I just cannot relate to it at all. At all!

Although I've been listening to Biebs' Somebody To Love. I love that song! It's my jam! It's my love jam! I like the Justin only version, yeah even thte Glee version with sexy Kevin McHale isn't doing it for me as much as my love jam. But I do love Kevin's bits in the song but they're like totally out of context, in their own McSex juice, that's why they're hot.

Anyways, today I spent most of the day on my bike. I need to excerice cause I'll be going to Tartu in a couple of weeks time cause my first exam is on the third of May and I gotta give myself some time time to get used to Tartu, with my aniety and all. Yeah, I rode about 30 kilometres today, so I should be good for the day cause my first stop on the way to Tartu will be after 30. And then it's another 60 km. It took me about 2 hours to cover 30 km but I didn't feel to tired and could've gone longer but afterwards my legs were a bit weak and shaky.

Living in fear. Wet potatoes laying on the ground, drying in the sun

It turns out I'm living in fear. I kinda always knew it but things get slightly better when I admit to it, out loud.
Back when I lived in Ireland and was seeing my psychologist and I was whining about life and always feeling sick. I said the always feeling down and sick business was taking up so much of my time, energy and life and everything pretty much revolved around it and my life was shitty. She then asked me what good things I could name when it came to feeling sick, what were the benefits. I said I hated my job at the time and when feeling sick I didn't have to go to work. So....it wasn't like I stayed home and felt super great and did fun shit, I still felt sick but I guess it was a benefit, not going to work.
So now I'm thinking what do I benefit out of feeling sick now. I've been unable to eat for about three/four weeks now and that stops everything else cause I cannot do anything besides concentrate on feeling sick and weak. Anyway, today when talking to my stepmother about it I asked myself what are the benefits of feeling sick now. Everything seems to be fine and I just cannot eat. The only thing I have to do right now is study for my exams. So it's only logical that my mind got fucked up and messed up my stomach so I would feel sick and wouldn't be able to study cause studying and exams make me nervous and anxious. I swear, this body!!!!
I'm most definitely not going back to hospital cause they'll just force me to eat there and chant "eat, eat, eat, quicker, quicker, quicker" and it won't help at all. And I'm most definitely not seeing any psychologists either cause they don't help. At all. Not me anyway.
What I'm doing is I'm going...really for real now, back on Xanax and see what that does to me. Plus I'm also taking Omeprazole for my stomach.

Yeah...oh and I hung out with my father today. He managed to piss me off in the morning but...meh. And think it was yesterday when he walked into my room in the morning and closed the window! And later on during the day he walked into the room again and said my room was cold and he closed the window! It also happened this morning and later on he walked in again and I said, "I'm not cold, leave it open". Ughhhhhhh. THE WINDOW AND MY FATHER!!!!!
Anyways, he got out his own bike today which means me and the stepmother can go riding together! Whoop!
I peddled down to our garden where he was already working. Well, kinda. We just stood there and looked at wet potatoes laying on the ground, drying in the sun. We have a basement in the garden and now that the snow is thawing there's puddles everywhere, bodies of water overflowing and basements flooded. Well, since it happened last year aswell the parents took most of the stuff out before the snow started melting. Only one box of carrots drowned.
Yeah so we were just standing there and talking. I had taken one Xanax so I was pretty chilled when he started preaching. He also told me about his tough life in the Russian army in the seventies. He said he was almost killed two, three times. And that he was at the Chinese or Japanese border with his...military group. Whatever those things are called. He said there were many people killed amongst the army men. I was really surprised, like how are you supposed to trust your life into those people's hands when they can't even cope amongst themselves, let alone in a battle/war with some other country. Oh and he was in the army for two years.
Then after the chat he chopped some branches and twigs off of trees while I tried to hide from the cold wind and warm self in the sun.
When he was done I sawed the branches and twigs into smaller bits while he was walking around assessing the land. Then we cycled home and went for a little drive around town. In a car like. It freaked me out so much. I swear it took like two minutes and I was weeping. I just cannot be in any form of machine with an engine. Blah.

legs and arms

Ughhh, I have the worst pain in my legs and arms!

It's not my fault I'm so sensitive to all this

Okay, I just learned that there was a magnetic storm yesterday. Which would explain why I felt like shit. Plus it would explain why I got the Earth card yesterday.
And...I really respect my stepmother and believe in everything she says...and today she said I might have psychic sense. It creeps me the hell out. She has said before that I seem to be very sensitive towards Earthly happenings. And when I did the energy cleansing course, the man/teacher told me that I was "ingenious" and very sensitive towards energies.
Speaking of all that, I've been meaning to do an energy cleansing session on myself but something has held me back. I think it's the fear of making myself feel worse or getting in strong contact with my energy. I dunno..it kinda sounds spooky even when I believe in energies as natural, scientific things.

Right....I'll read the cards to my stepmother now, take a shower and maybe do my own cards then.

Oh and apparently there's a bigger storm acoming and Japan had the second earthquake...ugh, I mean yeah it's sad they're all suffering and shit but why the hell do I have to suffer? It's not my fault I'm so sensitive to all this.

Card Of The Day - Mother Mary & Mawu

Okay, what?! Is my health problems caused by the seasonal change or what? Or are these cards just telling gibberish?Although I must say this foggy stuff is very very much like Ireland, except in Ireland it's damper and colder.

nibble on bitches while snacking

Okay, had crisps yesterday and was up most of the night cause I felt sick.
I figured I feel sick as it is so a pack of crisps shouldn't make a difference. Well, it didn't really, I just couldn't sleep more so than some other nights.
And...yeah...thanks to all this shit I haven't been able to study at all and it's worrying me. Ughhhh....

Plus, I cannot wait til the new look for the forum is done so I can finally get the fuck away from that place. I swear...I feel crappy as it is I don't need all this teenage shit in my life and my own teenage years are faaaaaarr behind me. And I cannot believe there were days when I wanted a job that involved working with young people. Never ever will I do anything like it! For real. I don't even understand how the parents put up with all of that crap. I'd kick the kid out of my home and be like, "Go spazz on your own, you possessed bitch". Disgusting! I don't even understand how the humankind is still around cause people like that totally eat other people for breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner, supper and nibble on bitches while snacking. It's absolutely unbelievable and revolting. People like that should be put in jail not murderers, burglars, rapists and other criminals. Well, seems like that's what schools are for.

Yeah....um, I started knitting these little booties for a family friend's baby. I think the piece is knitted too loosely. Oh well, will see how it comes out.

Off to take a shower now and then try to read/study, knit and read the books I got from the library yesterday.

Stuff to read when you're bored

Okay, I haven't been able to study for forever, dunno what will happen with that. Anyway, went to the library with the stepmother today and got some books. Maybe I'll have time to read them.

Oh and I think Glee is on today so....yay! Bitching FTW!

I also had time to read some articles that were sent to me:

Edible Cups

“The cups can be nibbled on while drinking and any leftover remnants can be composted immediately.”

Mademoicell

"Stem cells hold limitless potential for regenerating the human body, yet one of the most readily accessible sources of these remarkable healing agents remains stigmatized within our society--this source is menstrual blood"

Okay, once you get it out, how do you store it? How do you use it?

Beauty Myths That Deserve to Die

Myth: Cucumber Reduces Eye Puffiness
The cucumber itself does not reduce puffiness. Cucumbers are able to stay cold for long periods of time outside of a refrigerator. That cold is what actually reduces puffiness (it causes blood vessels around our eyes to contract, thereby reducing swelling). That being said, you could lay a dirty sock over your eyes and it could help. As long as it is cold.

Myth: Your Skin Pores Open and Close
A pore is not a door or window–they can not open and close. However, if something is built up in the pore (like dead skin cells) the pores can appear enlarged.

Myth: Cutting Your Hair and Eyelashes Once a Week Will Make Them Grow Longer
We’ll believe just about anything, won’t we? Try this one out and you’ll just end up bald.

Myth: Never Pluck a Gray Hair; Ten More Will Grow in Its Place
Answer me this: If you grow some carrots and pull them up out of the ground, will a bunch more pop up in its place? It’s just not possible.

Things You Didn’t Know You Could Compost

From the Kitchen
Coffee grounds and filters
Tea bags
Used paper napkins
Pizza boxes, ripped into smaller pieces
Paper bags, either ripped or balled up
The crumbs you sweep off of the counters and floors
Plain cooked pasta
Plain cooked rice
Stale bread
Paper towel rolls
Stale saltine crackers
Stale cereal
Used paper plates (as long as they don’t have a waxy coating)
Cellophane bags (be sure it’s really Cellophane and not just clear plastic—there’s a difference.)
Nut shells (except for walnut shells, which can be toxic to plants)
Old herbs and spices
Stale pretzels
Pizza crusts
Cereal boxes (tear them into smaller pieces first)
Wine corks
Moldy cheese
Melted ice cream
Old jelly, jam, or preserves
Stale beer and wine
Paper egg cartons
Toothpicks
Bamboo skewers
Paper cupcake or muffin cups

From the Bathroom
Used facial tissues
Hair from your hairbrush
Toilet paper rolls
Old loofahs
Nail clippings
Urine
100% cotton cotton balls
Cotton swabs made from 100% cotton and cardboard (not plastic) sticks

Personal Items
Cardboard tampon applicators
Latex condoms

From the Laundry Room
Dryer lint
Old/stained cotton clothing—rip or cut it into smaller pieces
Old wool clothing—rip or cut it into smaller pieces

From the Office
Bills and other documents you’ve shredded
Envelopes (minus the plastic window)
Pencil shavings
Sticky notes
Business cards (as long as they’re not glossy)
Receipts

Around the House
Contents of your vacuum cleaner bag or canister
Newspapers (shredded or torn into smaller pieces)
Subscription cards from magazines
Leaves trimmed from houseplants
Dead houseplants and their soil
Flowers from floral arrangements
Natural potpourri
Used matches
Ashes from the fireplace, barbecue grill, or outdoor fire pit

Party and Holiday Supplies
Wrapping paper rolls
Paper table cloths
Crepe paper streamers
Latex balloons
Raffia
Excelsior
Jack o’ Lanterns
Those hay bales you used as part of your outdoor fall decor
Natural holiday wreaths
Your Christmas tree. Chop it up with some pruners first (or use a wood chipper, if you have one…)
Evergreen garlands

Pet-Related
Fur from the dog or cat brush
Droppings and bedding from your rabbit/gerbil/hamsters, etc.
Newspaper/droppings from the bottom of the bird cage
Feathers
Alfalfa hay or pellets (usually fed to rabbits)
Rawhide dog chews
Fish food
Dry dog or cat food

25 Wasteful Things You Can Live Without

Tin foil — Use an oven-safe pot or dish with a lid.
Plastic wrap — Instead, use a container with a lid.
Disposable cleaning cloths, dusters, etc. — Use a microfiber cloth that can be washed.
Paper towels — Use a tea towel, instead.
Disposable pens — Buy a good pen that only needs the ink well changed.
Plastic cutlery — Use the metal stuff.
Paper plates — Washing dishes may be an effort, but it’s worth it.
Paper or plastic single-use grocery bags — Get a few reusable bags.
Packaged fruits and vegetables — Produce does not need to be packaged.
Individually wrapped snacks — Snacks travel better anyway in a hard container.
Disposable razors — Invest in a razor that only needs the blades changed.
Juice boxes — Put juice in a reusable container (not plastic).
Electric pencil sharpeners — Use the hand-crank version of days gone by.
Disposable diapers — Cloth diapers aren’t that much more difficult to use.
Disposable cloths — Fabric cloths can be washed regularly to avoid bacterial or viral build-up.
Plastic cups — Stick to reusable cups.
Bottled water — Install a water filter on your tap or pick up a water jug with a filter.
Non-rechargeable batteries — Make the investment for rechargeable batteries and you’ll save money in the long run.
Electric can openers — Use a little muscle.
Single-serving pudding or yogurt cups — Buy a large container of yogurt or make your own pudding, and send it in a reusable container.
Antibacterial wipes — If you must, use a gel hand sanitizer.
Disposable table cloths — Spills are a reality of life; just clean them up as they happen.
Facial tissues — Unless you have a bad cold, a handkerchief will work just fine.
Paper billing — Switch to e-billing for your bank statement, credit card bill, utility bill, etc.
Plasticized sticky notes — Use the original paper sticky notes; they can be recycled when you’re done with them.

10 Cancer-Causers to Remove From Your Home

1. Air fresheners: Often contain napthelene and formaldehyde. Try zeolite or natural fragrances from essential oils. For more information, see Easy Greening: Air Fresheners.
2. Art supplies: Epoxy and rubber cement glues, acrylic paints and solvents, and permanent markers often contain carcinogens. For more information, see Arts and Crafts: Make it Safe.
3. Automotive supplies: Most are toxic. Keep them safely away from the house and dispose of at a hazardous waste disposal center.
4. Candles: Avoid artificially scented paraffin candles that produce combustion by-products, including soot. Beeswax only, with cotton wicks. For more on beeswax candles, see The Brilliant Beeswax Candle.
5. Carpet and upholstery shampoos: Use only wet-clean, natural ingredients. For DIY carpet cleaning, see how to Remove Stains and Pet Odors from Carpets.
6. Dry-cleaning: Choose clothes that don’t need perchlorethylene to clean them. Ask for the wet-cleaning option at you local cleaners, or seek dry-cleaners that use liquid C02 or citrus juice cleaners. For more information, see Healthy and Green Dry Cleaning.
7. Flea, tick and lice control: Avoid lindane-based pesticides. For more information, see Natural Flea and Tick Control.
8. Paints and varnishes: Always chose low- or no-VOC finishes. For more information, see Is Your Paint Making You Sick?
9. Household pesticides: Go natural. Make a Sugar Ant Hotel.
10. Microwaves: Never microwave or heat food in a plastic container. For more information about the dangers of food and plastic, see Kitchen Plastic: Easy Greening.

What??! I love candles! And them made out of paraffin is a natural thing, isn't it?

The 8 Germiest Public Places

Restaurant menus

Lemon wedges

Condiment dispensers

Restroom door handles

Soap dispensers

Grocery carts

Airplane bathrooms

Doctor’s office

3 Artists That Are Cleaning Up Ocean Pollution

Pam Longobardi and the Drifter’s Project

Judith Selby Lang and Richard Lang of Beach Plastic

Diana Cohen of the Plastic Pollution Coalition