okay!?!??!?!

Okay, I need to rant some more. Like my new therapist is nice and all. We get along. But can everyone please stop saying that I'm not losing weight cause I'm going off Olanzapine!?!??!
Okay, I'm a lazy non active fuck who eats shitty crap. I admit that. But! I've done that my whole life! And before I ever went on any kind of pill, I was eating shit, not moving a fucking thing and I was fucking skinny okay!?!? I could eat whatever I wanted, how ever much I wanted, when and wherever I wanted, I never gained weight. Okay!??!?!  I was a lazy shit eating fuck before going on any pill and I was a fucking skinny bitch!!! Okay!?!??!
Then I went on Mirtazapine. I gained about 5 kilos.
Escitalopram was the second pill but it had no effect on my weight.
Then! I went on Olanzapine. And I gained 25+ kilos. I did not, NOT, get any lazier or started eating more crap. It wa simpossible to do cause I was eating so poorly already before going on pills. Nothing changed about my lifestyle and eating habits. How the fuck?!?!?!!? How the fuck can anyone say it's my diet and laziness causing me to gain weight!?!??! It's the fucking pill okay!?!?!? Okay!??!?!?!
And now for the last maybe like year and half  I've been losing weight, more prominently since last year around this time. About year and half ago I weighed about 84 kilos. The heaviest I've ever been. And today I weighed 64 kilos. My diet has not changed in the last year and half. I do not move more than ever before. It's the fucking  pill okay!??!?!?! Cause last year I started going off Olanzapine.
And my damn therapists are telling me it's my diet and lifestyle. It's not a thing, okay!??!?!?! It's the fucking pill!!!!!!! I know my body!!!!!!!!!! Like how many times do I have to say this!??!?! I FUCKING KNOW MY BODY!!!!! It's the pill that made me gain weight and it's the only, THE ONLY, THE SOLE reason why I'm losing weight now. I'm still the same lazy fuck with bad eating habits I was before I started taking all the pills and was still a skinny bitch. I am a natural skinny person okay!?!??! Why is it so hard to accept and understand that some people have naturally fast metabolism and the food they eat doesn't affect their weight?!?!?!? Like fuuuuuuuckckck!!! I'm so sick of people shitting on my natural body functions. Like, I don't give a fuck, FUCK, how others' bodies work. Mine works like mine. I do not gain weight naturally. That's it. It's a thing. The noly reason I gained weight on the pills is cause they alter the hormonal levels in the body, slow down the metabolism.
Now that I've been lowering the dosage of the pill, the body works more like its natural old self and I'm losing weight cause my damn metabolism is picking up speed again, the hormones are getting back to their natural levels. It's in my fucking DNA okay!?!??!?! The food I eat won't change that!

Like my mum and the therapist are like, don't lose anymore weight, don't go overboard. Bitches! I'm not doing anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Literally nothing!!!!!!!! Yeah I drink smoothies but they don't substitute any meals, it's all extra! I don't work out, I hardly ever fucking move at all. Most of the time, literally, I'm in bed on my laptop sitting on my ass, literally, and snacking on something, cookies or something, literally all of it. I don't watch what I eat, I eat whenever the fuck I want, however much I want. The only thing I do when it comes to food is that I try to cook food myself but not cause it's fucking healthier or shit or I wanna cook low calorie foods, no, I do it cause it's cheaper. I'm a poor ass bitch, okay!??! And I know fuck all about calories!
If they keep pushing it, and I know they will, then one day I will blow up at them. I'm so sick of people telling me, I gained weight cause I'm old or a woman or cause I don't move or eat crap. Yes it I am and do all those things, but the only, THE ONLY, THE SOLE reason for my weight gain and loss is Olanzapine. Get that through your heads please!!!!!! Or just stop telling me your opinions and guesses on how and why I'm gaining or losing weight.
Fuck!

edit: also I would like to ask anyone who says I'm a lazy shit eating fuck and the pill doesn't make you gain weight, when the pill is prescribed to the patients at the eating disorders clinic to make them gain weight, do they all get lazy and bad eating habits in that short amount of time they're at the hospital? Do they all get significantly older and more womanly all of a sudden when they're there? Is Olanzapine some kinda magic pill, that makes you a lazy shit eating old woman? Oh and when you go off the pill, you suddenly stop being a lazy shit eating old woman? And you just coincidentally happen to lose weight?

I need a new place so bad!!!!

Well, Ilme's at it again. She has lost her cooking cloths or shits. She was looking for them in the morning. I left to to see my therapist. Came back and asked her if she found her things. She said, "No cause you've thrown them out." Bitch! Seriously!? She didn't even ask me if I've seen them or touched them, she just came to the conclusion that they're missing therefore I threw them out. I have absolutely no business with her fucking cloths. I've only used them a couple of times but not lately. And they're gone since today. I definitely didn't use them anytime recently. Never ever. Even if I had used them recently, why in the world would I throw them out!?
It's like the time when she thought the forks were bent and accused me of opening jars with them. And then she fucking claimed she has seen me do it!!!! Bitch, I dunno what you think you saw cause I've never, not once in my life have I ever opened a fucking jar with a fucking fork!!!
Jesus what a senile cunt!
Anyway, when she told me I've thrown her shit out, I told her I don't wanna hear her stupid stories again. Seriously, she literally makes up random shit and claims that to be the reality and the truth.
And for the record, she threw out my honey. I confronted her about it and she admitted to it. She said she thought the jar was empty. Okay, even if it was empty, which it wasn't, then you don't get to decide whether something should be thrown out I bought with my money.
Fuck! I need a new place so bad!!!!

a hurtful motherfucker

Okay. Good news. I can go off Olanzapine. Saw my doc today and she said it would be a natural next step. But I wanna make sure I can stay off of it so I'm gonna leave four days in between taking 1,25mg. And when I can live like that for a while, I'll stop. Ahhhh, I'm excited! :D
And why I'm happy about is cause when I go off of it I can get pregnant. I still have escitalopram but apparently that's safe enough pill for pregnancy. Like I don't even have a man and it's my 7th or 8th single year running but whatever. When I actually get to planning one day, if it happens at all, probably never, then I'd like to be off all pills. But olanzapine is a hurtful motherfucker to fetus so I'm glad if I do get to go off of it.
Ahh.
Oh and dunno if I already elaborated on this on my blog but I'm so out of energy and motivation ever since stopping my iron pills. I wanna buy natural iron when I get paid. This synthetic stuff is horrible. Makes me feel so sick.
My mood is fine but I've lost all motivation about school and looking for a new place or a new/extra job. Ugh! I really gotta get my iron back up. Like when I wasn't feeling the side effects of the iron pills, I was on fire! So much energy and positive motivation. Like, no antidepressant has ever made me feel as alive as iron did. Wow. Weird thing is when my iron was at 5 something in january this year I felt fine. Started iron, got mad energy cause the iron went up. Then the iron started making me feel sick so I stopped when my ferritin level was at 15 and now, about two weeks later, I feel soooooo much worse than I did in january with extremely low ferritin levels. Like, I don't believe my iron dropped below 5 in two weeks from 15. Maybe just coming down from the high the pills gave me is really drastic and the change is really noticeable.
I dunno. Like I asked my mum already if she can pay half of my laptop after payment next month cause I wanna buy the super expensive natural iron. Maybe it won't be hard on me.

TS2662017