I'm a liar

Ugh. Just got a bit of a bollocking from Ilme. She said I'm a liar. And that I have lied to her on several occasions. Yeah...I have not!
Thing is, I came to mother's place yesterday and told her I'd be back today, which isn't gonna happen. There was quite a bit of work to be done here at mother's so naturally I'm tired and don't have the strength to go back to town today. Told her I'm coming tomorrow. That is not fucking lying. I never know what I have to do when I'm at my mother's or how tired I will be. I didn't fucking promise Ilme that I'd definitely be back today, therefore I have never lied to her.
She's just so fucking paranoid about the water bill thingy. At the end of every month I have to write down the water indicator numbers... you know, the units that show how much water we've spent in that month. And you can send them in by the fifth of every month. So I dunno what the fuck her problem is. It's just that she doesn't get her way... there is no other reason. If she's so fucking worried noone's stopping her from doing it. The thing is that the water indicators are under the bathroom sink and she can't squat or bend down enough. Or that's what she says. I'm sure when I go to town tomorrow she'll be still pissed at me and will have done the water business.
Argh!!!!

I really don't wanna go back there

Well, I finally got around to it. I actually thought of writing sort of like memoires about my life in Ireland and my health through the years but...meh, just got the pics off my phone to tell a little story.


This one is taken a few days before I went to the madhouse. I'm at my dad's garden cottage. Still almost normal :D


This one is taken on my way to Tartu. Yeah, I went crazy and thought I'd get there on foot. Lol, seriously showing my crazy!
Yeah, I stayed in quite a few hospital rooms. Here's one of them:


Yeah, reading trashy journalism cause there was nothing else to do

My divine attire:

 

Oh and these pics are really rough:



I only had this shampoo for washing. For washing my hair, body and face. Yeah my face didn't like the shampoo hence the breakout and trolly look.

Oh man. I know I look skinny in those pics compared to now but I really couldn't eat a thing. I had so many  cookies and chocolates and fruits but yeah...it just wouldn't go down.




Then I took a bunch of pics of the nature around the hospital when I got the permission to go out. We normally stayed in this little garden:

Yeah, that's about it. :) I really don't wanna go back there.

book a date without a date

Oh my god! What dream I had!? I had a dream I was hanging out with the Kardashians. Was talking to Kendall and Kylie about modelling. And then we went to buy a wedding dress for me. I said I have no man but I have the wedding date and Kim said it's so her style to book a date without a date. Fucking weird! I'm afraid to go to sleep! :D Don't wanna dream about that family.

Nothing interesting has happened

Okay, I'm a little nervous. I won't be going to mother's place this weekend. That part is fine I guess. But she asked me to help her out at her store on Saturday. That part I'm worried about. I wouldn't mind helping out but I get bad anxiety in the store.
Yeah, life has been sort of okay. I've been feeling a little crappy when it comes to eating but I've rearranged my pills so I should be good now. On last Friday when I was at my mother's I discovered I had left one pill behind so on Saturday I biked to town and back. Wow, I was so tired. :D
Yeah that's about it. Nothing interesting has happened.
Been worried about my mother. She has high blood pressure, low hemoglobin and thick blood. Sheõs been feeling like crap. Worries me. Think she'll know the reason behind the high blood pressure next Tuesday.

It covers all areas of my life, it's entwined into every aspect of my life, it's the foundation of every bit of me

Okay...went for a bike ride in the rich part of the town again. And again, started thinking of how I'll never have a nice house like those there.
But then I thought some of my dreams have come true. Like, for instance, I was obsessed with Ireland as a... well not kid but a young teenager. And boom! I got to live there for 5 years. And while I was living there I was sort of "rich". As in, I always bought everything I wanted. There were no financial limitations. And I always had money left over every month so I could collect it. I spent about 400 euros on food, 400 on clothes and other stuff and more than 400 was left over.
Then I got myself a boyfriend I had wanted for years. And got my dream date with a guy. I think I've talked about this before on my blog, but I always wanted to go to an art gallery on a first date and I did it. It was with Stephen and we went to a museum and art gallery. Perfect! Then I always said I wanna go to a Vivaldi concert with a guy and me and Stephen did it together.
Then since graduation from secondary school I had always wanted to go to uni. I got to go twice, albeit I never finished the courses.
So... I've had some pretty great perks in my life. :)

Sad thing is, I don't have any more dreams. I've thoroughly succumbed to my illness. It covers all areas of my life, it's entwined into every aspect of my life, it's the foundation of every bit of me.

Too subtle me thinks

I just hate the way some men approach me on dating websites. This one's pretty horrid. Too subtle me thinks.
I especially like that I'm such. Never heard a compliment like that before.

edit at 23:10:

How charming! :D

Maybe it's a sign

So I feel so sick that I can't do anything. So I was just randomly picking on stuff in my room. I opened this drawer and I FOUND MY WICCA BOOK! It was lost for about two years.
I will totally bring it to town with me and read it.
Thing is...when I talked to this "Aleks" guy I joked I was religious and go to church everyday, he said he wouldn't go out with some crazy religious girl. Ha! I then said I'm not religious and I feel the same way. But now that I've found my book...I dunno man. Maybe it's a sign that I found it at my lowest.

Ughhhh...I dunno what it is that I feel sick at my mother's place. I never feel like that when I'm in town.
Ugh, I just have major discomfort in my tum, weakness and a bit of nausea. Uurrrghhh....so sick.

Going back to picking on random things in the room.

Russia vs America

Ahh...nothing like a good old flame war on the subject Russia vs America on a saturday night. On a Sims forum. :D

Plus for some reason I feel so sick today. Ughhhh!

"Yeah, I guess I’m just bad at it."

If anyone gets the That '70s Show reference, cool!

Yeah... I always disliked it when my mother would say Lauri cannot dust or mow the lawn cause he's just not good at it. It meant I had to do those things. But today, mother told me to peel the potatoes. It's not the first time she's complained about my peeling. I just said: "do it yourself then". And she did! Got out of it!

starring Nupi and Jossu

So this happened today. Had to create a new YT account to share the vids. Didn't really want to but oh well. I hope my mother and her man won't find out I uploaded videos of them. :D

tibu

Aw!

I really wish it would work out between us. It's been over four years since I was last in a relationship.

Bad for the health and bad for the wallet

What a great evening! It started with me going out to get matches for Ilme but I ended up biking outside town. I went down a road I had never gone before. On my way back I met Evelin and her man. It was their first time on the road aswell. Had a little chat.
And I also went to Kivilinna Konsum and didn't get anxiety. At all. Downside is, I bought junk food. Bad for the health and bad for the wallet.
Yeah...I feel good though.

Aleks

My first simmie made in the Sims 4 CAS demo. Strella Hone. (Strella - had a packed of Estrella crisps on my bed; Hone - had a phone on my bed).
Yeah... been chatting to "Aleks".
His name is not Aleks but I get it mixed up all the time and call him Aleks. Yeah, been chatting to him and making sims. I really hope my anxiety will back the fuck up and let me be in a relationship with this guy.


edit: is James Franco blond for real?! :D Still hot though. I'm evolving!

four shops

Yehh, went to four shops today: Konsum, Selver, Rimi and "the rumball shop". And for a ride in town. Got anxiety and shit but I did it. Without Valium. I think it's okay I can't go to shops cause I'd be wasting so much money on sweets. Ah, the Rimi that's across the street from me has so many different sweets it's unreal. I spent maybe a minute in the shop but I saw so many things I wanted to buy.

Yeah and I'm talking to this new guy about a relationship...will see how that goes.

surely there were other ways

OMG! Robin Williams died! I guess it's kinda good he got what he wanted but surely there were other ways out of the situation he was in.

lovely view

Even this can't ruin the lovely view of Franco for me. Although it is distracting :D Not in a good way, I'd like to add.

Once worn

Giving away my sweet skirt. UK size 10. Once worn. Back in the time when I lived with the Hynes/Taimre family in Ireland. Then my ass got too big for it.

If anyone's interested, leave your first name and email address below in the comments! :)

Tired

Oh man, I'm so tired! Tired of mowing the lawn and tired of feeling nauseous. Ugh! Haven't eaten much today but have mowed alot. I'd love to do something relaxing now but am too tired.

I wish sex was as simple as in Sims: woohoo or try for baby

Complaining ahead!
Second day of bad periods. I dunno actually if it's cause of the periods, weather or the fact that I take Mirtazapin every other day as opposed to every day. I just feel so nauseous and my stomach is making all sorts of noises. Because of my stomach troubles I'm thinking it's cause of my periods but I dunno really. Ugh.

Yeah, I've been talking to the guy I wanted to be in a relationship with, the one whose name start with an R. All he cared about was being able to have sex without a condom when we're in a relationship. Yeah...don't think that's gonna happen cause I don't want a baby just yet. Or ever. Like carry one myself. I don't wanna cut my tubes either cause it would be like fixing something that isn't broken. Ugh, I wish sex was as simple as in Sims: woohoo or try for baby. Will see how that works out.

anything but romantic

Ughh! I hate the space! It freaks me out. Just watched Vsauce's videos about space. I find the subject interesting and all but it scares me so much. I even hate looking at the night sky cause of all the stars. It's anything but romantic to me.
I don't care about aliens and shit but just the greatness and openness of space is terrifying. I just hate all the commotion going on in space, what with planets and stars and energies and shit. Fuuuuuccckk! Scary shit. I shouldn't have watched it before bedtime. I started feeling really dizzy cause of all the space talk, was so scared that was about to pass out. Ugh.
Science if fucking freaky.

Cute, but a dick.

I'm having crappy periods again. Quite literally lol :D Damn men, the lucky bastards!


Anyway... the family went to Latvia today. I was home alone. Cleaned up a bit.

Yeah I have nothing to say except I have quite a few films I should watch but I just cannot be arsed. I really wanna watch them but I'm just too lazy. It's horrible. And I have two James Franco books to read. I also do want to read them but can't be arsed.

Plus, I thought I had two guys I could have been in a relationship with but one of them got a girlfriend and the other one just wants sex I guess. I'm not too disappointed but yeah... guess no one will really wait for me.

Oh and this one guy...the hot one I've slept with a couple of times...he had enough of me always putting off our meeting. He called it dumb. Well, what's even dumber though is the fact that he agreed to be in a relationship with me and then didn't contact me for about two months. And when he finally did get back in touch he had no recollection of the relationship chat. What a dick. Cute, but a dick.

Yeah so I'll just wait and see what will happen with the one that just wants sex. I think his name's either Rando or Roland.

love, care and respect reasons

Okay, as I've said before, I'm in the middle of watching Friends. Yeah I'm waaay past the episode I wanna talk about but whatever I'll talk about it anyway. Don't remember what the episode was called but it was "the one" where Monica and Chandler were in a relationship and had a fight. Chandler thought it was the end of the relationship and Monica said it was just a fight and "welcome to a grown-up relationship" or something along those lines. Yeah, that's a load of bullshit. I say, the relationships you fight in are anything but grown-up. In a mature relationship you can handle misunderstandings and dissensions without a fight. And if you "fight" with your partner, then why the hell are yous still together!? I hate the sayings "fight for love" or "work on a relationship". It's aaaaalllll bullshit! It's a clear sign you're not supposed to be with the person you're with. Fights do not belong in a healthy relationship. Fights do not happen in a healthy relationship. And a relationship is definitely not something you "work on". If it doesn't come naturally, you're with a wrong person, there's nothing to fix. I know I've only had one boyfriend but as I said in my sex post I'd rather be single than be in a wrong relationship. Me and my ex never had fights. We were both normal mature people. I'd never be in a relationship with a person I didn't get along with. And if you love a person you respect them and wouldn't do anything to hurt them. So any kind of fight is just out of the question, for love, care and respect reasons.


TS07082014

Polish plums

See...I'm not racist! I'm consuming Polish plums. The purple one is yummy. The yellow one is a tad sour.

listening

Okay, I found another thing to complain about. Audio-books. I hate it when people are saying they're "reading" a book when they're actually listening to one. Like, when you listen to music you don't say you're reading music. Or when someone talks you're not saying you're reading their mind.
I'm not into reading story books like...but when you're listening to something then you're listening not reading it!

Yeah...anyway, I just got back from the graveyard. I worked on my grandmother and grandfather's grave. Was nice to kinda give back a bit since I believe they're with me a lot and help me through days copying with anxiety. Or maybe it's all in my head. At least I got out of the house and did something useful.

Then I talked to my dad and stepmom on the phone. Yeah I don't hate my dad but he did drive me crazy when we lived together, with his window business. Yeah I really regret not visiting my father's parents in Russia when they were still alive. My father tried to get me to go there for years, was always talking about me getting a passport. Why didn't I!?

Oh and I'm creating a new forum. I really really hope it'll be active.

good taste in women

me: why is he staring at me?
mother: he can't help having a good taste in women

:D

dead frog

Last night I felt this horrible stench near my bed. Couldn't figure out what it was so I ignored it. Just now, being on my bed, surfing the net, I could smell it again. I had this little plastic bag full of rubbish so I thought that was smelling. Picked it up. And there was a dead frog under it!!! It was all black and smelly. Now the thing is.... how the hell did it get into my room!? My room is on the second floor.
Weird.

It hit me a couple of days ago and earlier today but here it is, hitting me again.

Fuck. It just hit me again. It hit me a couple of days ago and earlier today but here it is, hitting me again. It's already august! That means autumn is on it's way, which is actually fine but that means winter is almost here! That's most definitely not fine!!! I so so so love the time we have now, okay maybe it's too hot, but I love how I can go outside in skimpy/short/tiny clothes. I hate packing myself in. And then I'll have trouble with moving around again on my bike. Ugh! Who likes winter anyways!?
Yeah...when it hit me earlier today, it was when I was eating this sweet apple. We have this apple tree which grows really really sweet apples. I don't ever really eat apples or even like them but I like these ones. When I was eating it I could smell it's...smell. And it reminded me of autumn and of how we rake all the rotten apples together that are laying on the ground.

Yeah and I'm thinking of deleting my Facebook page. Those "friends" I have there aren't really my friends. They're just people I used to know. Some people's behaviour really pisses me off on there.

Oh and I have this new lad... He's 20. Will be going to uni in Tartu this year.

Physical, with symptoms

So my anxiety comes up in conversations with people, randomly and not so randomly. Today when we were barbecuing I said something like "back in the day when I couldn't eat". And Lembit said, "Couldn't eat? We don't have teeth and you can't eat?"
Ughhhhhh!!!!! I know I'm ignorant myself but I just cannot stand it when people are ignorant to me.
The thing is...my anxiety used to really bad, so bad that I couldn't eat. The food just wouldn't go down, it felt like I was chewing on tasteless plastic. Everything was just revolting. My throat locked itself and I was unable to swollow. It's a common anxiety symptom.
And then Lembit was saying I have teeth so I should be able to eat.
I just hate hate hate how people treat mental illnesses. Even my stepmother who's a nurse says stuff like "you have your arms and legs, you can walk". Seriously!? I should be happy that I have arms and legs and can walk!? Should cancer patients be happy that they have arms and legs and can walk!? They mean that there is nothing "physically" wrong when you have a mental illness so you should not be complaining cause "physically" you're "healthy". Okay bitches, you want physical, you get physical. The receptors in the brain are not working properly, the chemicals in your brain are out of balance, that's the physical part of the illness, mental disturbances are just the symptoms. Should all the people with genetic, hormonal, blood diseases also not complain because they're "healthy" and they're "physically" okay!?
Why does Lembit stay home from work when he has a cold!? He has his arms, legs, teeth, he can walk, there is nothing physically wrong with him so why is he acting sick!?

Ughhhhhhh!!!! I just cannot stand this stupid idea that people have that mental illness is nothing. It's an illness, and can be a disability, like any other condition. Physical, with symptoms.


I got stung by a wasp today. Luckily didn't get a fever. :)

initiated and ended

Okay, I had this perfectly fierce rant in my head just now. Like... I love slutty women. I don't manipulate men with sex myself but I love the fact that I could if I wanted to. I have power over men with sex. I just love the sound of it.
Yeah... I just like... fucking. I'm not that much into sex but if I am then I just want to fuck not "make love". I don't believe in making love. I'll tell you what I believe in. I believe women who "make love" are with the wrong person. Love making is something human invented, fucking is a natural activity.
Like.... I just hate foreplay. What got me writing all this was a few letters...or should I say novels, some guys sent me on this sexy dating website. They describe the setting and stupid ass caressing, kissing and licking and shit. And I'm just like, dude you're barking up the wrong tree here. I cannot understand why anyone would need foreplay. Especially women. If you need foreplay you're with a wrong person. Like, what fuck!? Why would you need your "beloved" man to caress your leg for half an hour to get you into the mood!? If you love the man, you want sex any time, anywhere. It's so unnatural that the man has to set up this whole circus for his woman to have sex with him. Like, if he's so gross to you without foreplay, don't fucking be with him! Find someone you really want and love.
And I don't understand why slutty women are put down so much. Yeah yeah yeah... I know the whole double standard business of how men can do it and they're the man and when a woman does it it's bad, but that's not my point. Like....when you fuck someone, you're just giving them your body. But when you're in a relatiosnhip you're giving them your body, mind, soul, time, effort and everything else that goes into a relationship. So how is being slutty worse than being a serial dater!? Like, why is having sex out of a relationship worse than being in a relationship!? You give so much more of yourself being in a relationship than when you're having a one night stand. Like, I'd so much rather give my body to someone than be in random relationships that I know won't work out. I don't have the constant need to be with someone. I know I'm crazy but I'm normal enough to be on my own. I'm not that weak to have someone by my side the whole time. Women need to grow a spine and realise sex is okay.
Oh...and another thing that grinds my gears. I loathe it when women make out that it's the man's fault when they don't orgasm. The fuck!? Everyone is responsible for their own orgasms!!! Like, I don't cum everytime and it's okay. I can just fuck, I enjoy it. I didn't cum everytime I was with my boyfriend. That didn't mean I wasn't in "the mood" for sex or that he was bad. I just wasn't in the state to have an orgasm on...whichever level. Other times I came more than once.
So yeah...I mean I'm all about girl power but I love men too and I totally understand male carnality. Cut and dry. I'm like that myself. All natural, no made up shit about how sex is supposed to be initiated and ended.
I'm not saying "foreplay" isn't natural cause you see it in the animal world but to me, the way I see it, "foreplay" isn't a forced "romantic/positive" gesture, it's just the general happiness with the relationship, the sincere love and pure desire you feel for your partner and that is what should get you into "the mood" not fucking wine and candles (which by the way is bad for you. But it's okay, I like burining candles myself, not for sexual purposes though).

Phew! Got it off my chest and outta my pants! :D

Jossu the globetrotter

Okay...as I said in my previous post, my mother and her man went to visit his friend. He doesn't live that far away from us.
Anyway...I had wanted to bike past the friend's house for a long time but always put it off cause there's a household with a dog before. And when I go biking I always take our dogs with me. So there'd be an awful lot of barking and maybe even fighting. But today I got the dogs and biked down to the friend's (Heino) house. Was there for a few minutes. Talked about hair dye. And then came back home with the dogs. On our way back, Jossu, halted at one bend like he wanted to go back to Heino's. I had to call him to get him to move along with me. Anyway, we all got home.
Then! After a while, after being indoors, I went out and it was only Nupi outside. I called out for Jossu but he didn't respond nor did I see him anywhere. I got worried cause the dogs are very tight and always together. I even got on my bike and went down the bigger roads. Nothing to be seen.
Then I rang my mother and told her Jossu was missing. And! She said Jossu was with them. Like, what. the. actual. fuck!? I cannot believe he went down there all by himself. How did he remember how to get there!? :D He has never ever gone so far on his own. I'm not worried anymore but what the...!? I'm just baffled.

a moving car

Oh my! God! I was just in a moving car. Granted, only for a few seconds but still. Mother and Lembit went to his friend's place and I sat in the car with them for the time they left our yard and went onto the "big" road. Oh man, I didn't get anxiety and it made me feel so happy. I felt like I wanna go on a looong roadtrip but I know I couldn't handle it. Ah man....I sat in a moving car! I haven't done that in years!
I know it might sound lame to healthy people but yeah... it was amazing! I felt like I really missed travelling by car.

Yeah and I wriggled my way out of weeding by hand. Have to hoe weeds now. It's a little better anyway.

And my brother went to the shop, by foot, not on my bike. And he said he would buy me either blue cheese or crisps. Mmm...I hope he does.

be more cultural

Heh...my mother is trying to be more cultural and has ordered these classical music CDs. :D
She hasn't listened to them yet but I'm planning to go through them all tomorrow. I already listened to the Vivaldi disc cause he's my man!

Ugh...so I'm at my mother's place and this weekend I have to weed. I'd so much rather mow the lawn. :(

Yeah...I think I'll watch a film now.

Oh and here's a selfie from today:

Also...having my little brother and his friend on my FB friend list is kinda...agonising. Their conversations are so pointless and ridiculous.

I'm so pathetic

Oh my god, I'm so pathetic! I keep dreaming of how I wanna shag Franco and yet I turn down a guy who would actually sleep with me. I will never ever even meet James, so I dunno what the fuck I'm doing not putting out to this perfectly normal and nice guy. Ughhhhhhh! I gotta meet up with him next week!