really really small pieces

OMG, that goulash I just made is so yummy! And it's a little better than my mum's cause I cut the onion into really really small pieces.
And I've got the last load in the washing machine. So yay!

very very apathetic

Ugh, what a waste of a day. We were supposed to paint our little garden cottage with Lembit today so I got up early. He was gone.
He had set up the water tubes (we don't have plumbing here at mother's) for the washing machine. So I went to wash clothes. Yeah the instructions my mother left me didn't work. I couldn't turn on the machine. So no clothes washing.
Then I thought I'd rake the leaves. There was a storm outside during the night and there were a buttload of leaves all over the place. But I couldn't rake cause the wind was too high.
Yeah, then I rang Lembit (he's an electrician and was called out cause of the storm damage) and was hoping he'd come back soon. But I'm still waiting. I thought maybe he could get the washing machine working but it's too late now. It would have been a perfect day to dry clothes outside what with the wind and all.
Ugh I just feel so blahhh about everything.

Had a long talk about relationshipy stuff with Aksel last night. Think I've calmed down about our situation. Today I feel absolutely nothing. Talked to Roland today aswell. Yeah, he talks too little. We cannot get to know each other if he replies with one word to every question I ask. Anyway, I'm very very apathetic when it comes to men today. I just couldn't care less.

I'm hoping now to get dinner right. Will peel the potatoes soon and fry the beef. Or pork. Don't even know.

Oh and I rang mother at 3:30 am. She texted me saying she was in Beijing and everything is fine.

China time

Okay, the first day without mum has been survived. I cooked drumsticks in the oven and made rice with vegetables. It was actually eatable.
Tomorrow I have to make fried beef with gravy and potatoes. Scary stuff.

Yeah and mum survived her first flight to Helsinki. She's on her flight to China now. Will get there at 7 am China time (2 am Estonia time). I couldn't handle an 8 hour flight. Ugh. Hopefully she's able to sleep.

I have a thing going on

Okay. I feel like ranting about stuff one more time.
So apparently the reason why I cannot be in a relationship with A, is cause I'm fat.
I'm just so confused. Firstly, on my dating website profile I have pics of my body so he knew very well what he was getting himself into. I also had stated that I had a bigger body.
So the confusing part.... he says I'm nice and cute and what not and we had a very lovely evening together. An then he goes on to say his friends would not approve of me. Ugh... I just don't get it why anyone else's but his own opinion should matter!? Maybe it's some male status thing, I don't know. When I like a guy, I like him no matter what anyone else thinks. I've never in my life thought of anyone else's opinion but my own. So I don't get it. Plus, okay I know I'm not the most attractive person in the world, but I'm not morbidly obese or anything extreme.
Ugh, I just don't get it.

Anyway, I have a thing going on with Roland now. He said he didn't kinda wanna be a back up plan. And I kinda told him he wasn't but I flat out lied. I just really click with Aksel, what can I say.

Unsexy

I'm torn.
The thing is, Aksel doesn't want me cause I'm crazy and ugly. Can't say I'm surprised but I still wanna hang out with him and do shit. On the other hand, not that I'm hurt, I wanna tell him where to go cause he's not accepting me for me. But then again, he not supposed to.
I've covered the crazy bit but last night he said he can't bring me to his posse cause I'm not sexy (like his other sex goddess like ex's) cause he's afraid of the judgement. I find the thing so childish and not cause I'm biased. It's just such kindergarten stuff.
It's just blahh...

Maybe it was meant to be that when we first met I felt super sick. Maybe it was a sign I should never have met up with him? And then the only one good time we had together was all the good I could squeeze out of our situation?

I feel so insecure, almost hurt

Ughh, I feel so insecure, almost hurt. This thing won't end well. Not for me anyway. And when it all blows up in my face I'll only have myself to blame.

I'm a little worried

So I'm a little worried about myself right now. Mother will be leaving for China on friday. I'm scared I'll get the same kinda anxiety as I did when my ex went to Ibiza. Oh my god, that was definitely one of the worst nights of my life.
She will be going to Finland first and I told her to ring me from there to hear how her flight was. I hope it'll go well so I can be calm.
And then I'm worried about cooking. I came to mum's place today and will be staying here til she comes back, cooking and cleaning. I've had a couple of cooking crash courses.

loved loved loved

Ahh... had such a lovely date with Aksel. I loved loved loved the hugging. I could do without the kissing and sex (not that there was anything wrong with either of those) but the hugging was unbelievable!
He left a couple of hours ago but I already want to do it all over again.

Too bad I can't have him.

A withdrawal thing

Oh god, my stomach and bowel are going crazy. Feel so nauseous and just sick. Probably cause of my pills. A withdrawal thing.

Oh man what I'd give

Omg, I actually wanna shag a guy I know. Fuck my anxiety! Oh man what I'd give to be close to him!

*Ahem*

I wanna be all touchy feely, lovey dovey with someone right now. *Ahem*

Perfect!

Yeah okay... I cannot live a normal life cause of my anxiety. I cannot do simple things like eating, going to the grocery store, walking down the street alone, going to a friend's house etc. I cannot get a job. And now it looks like I cannot get a man. Perfect!

What an ordeal!

Oh my god. What an ordeal! I thought my date with "Aleks" was going to be cancelled cause I felt sooooooooooooo sick. I literally thought I was gonna toss my cookies. The anxiety was unbareable. I took a maximum dose of Valium, 30 drops, 15mg of Mirtazapin (which I'm actually off of), 1 pill of Cerucal and two other pills for nausea. And I still felt nauseous and shaky. And drowsy from all the pills.
But! We made it. Watched Frozen. He seemed really nice. Wouldn't mind developing things between us. Dunno what he thinks though.

Why the cameras and audience!?

What a weird dream I had! At one point I lived in a desert and was making out with Dave Franco. Then we went to some sort of an event and there were cameras everywhere. Oh and I performed at the show, with sand art.
Then I was back in my old school. We had a pedophile teacher who got us naked and take the ice bucket challenge. We did it outside and the whole football field was full of audience. (WTF? Why the cameras and audience!?)

Other than that, I'm supposed to be meeting up with the lad I'm supposed to get into a relationship with. Gahhh, I'm so so so nervous.

They have been really horrible

So... I don't know why I like twenties so much. They have been really horrible to me. As well as my teens and pre-teens. Maybe thirties will be good to me. But fuck, I will be 29 in two months!

Think I conquered it this time

Fuck the rich! I wanna have a nice house too.

Just went for a cycle outside of town. Near Lõuna-Keskus. Damn those rich bitches have nice houses. Yeah and all the while when I was looking at the houses I was fighting back my anxiety. Think I conquered it this time. Still managed to go outside of town and back without Valium. Point is, I can't even ride my bike without anxiety so any kind of career (= money for a bitchin' house) is out of the question.

potatoes on a high horse

I know this isn't a big deal and I'll never get to experience it for myself (not that I want to) but I just hate the audience at a fashion show. They sit there like fucking potatoes on a high horse with expressions of contemplativeness and bullshittery. Ugh!

fever and shit

Ouch. Just got stung by a hornet. Hopefully I won't get a fever and shit.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know I have stretch marks and a fat ass etc...

I win!

Phew, I think I survived my new pill. Took it about two hours ago. I don't think I had any side effects, just anxiety about them.

Yeah, received this letter on this dating website:

It's not like I haven't heard it before.
But anyway...have a guy coming over tonight. He seems to like me and he fills my criteria. :) I win!

Duloxetine

Huhhh, I'm a bit nervous. Talked to my shrink and we decided to try out this new pill - Duloxetine. I hope it won't have any horrible side effects. Will take it in the morning... well, that's when I'm supposed to take it. But I'll wake up in the evening so... Ughh... nervous.

crazy person going for a walk

Went for a walk with my mother on Monday evening. This is the result of a crazy person going for a walk:

Never mind my blue underwear... yeah I've got a bruise on my thigh from pinching myself to get my mind off anxiety. Ugh, I just don't understand my body. Like when I went mushrooming with mum, everything was okay and we went waaaaayy further away from home. And then on Monday we went for a little walk to the "birch trees" and I got anxiety. Just don't get it.

Spinnin' Around

Omg, I wanna learn this! :D I know the song is for kids but it's so happy and uptempo and puts me in such a good mood. Have liked it for years.

mushrooming

Ugh, I so didn't wanna get up this morning. But I did anyway, the second time my mother woke me. I had breakfast and was still sleepy. Then me and mum went mushrooming. Ah, I didn't even get anxiety. Liked it a lot.

The pink bucket's mine


Yeah then I painted the walls of one of our sheds. Yellow.
Speaking of yellow, I dyed my hair. Now it's more like my own natural colour. Don't wanna dye anymore...had my blonde moment and it's passed.


Oh and here's a random pic of Jossu I took today:

getting me a TV

Mother was just over for a few hours. We talked about getting me a TV. I know I know, I rarely watch it but my mother scared me with a horror story of my laptop breaking  down.
It would be nice to have the TV so I could watch the films late at night. That's all I'd want it for really. For films.

Yeah and mother's going to China on the 26th. Ahhhh... I might stay at her place for the time, cooking and cleaning the house. Will see.

TS04092014

We should start a story while we wait....

Waiting for cracked Sims 4.

Hahahahaaa!

I really am I liar

Okay. I really am I liar.
Was supposed to have a job interview today but didn't go. Chickened out.
Told my mother it's on tomorrow. Argh, I'm gonna have to lie to her and make up random facts about the interview. I'm just expressing my discomfort about my mendacity now and am sorry that I have to lie. I just don't wanna disappoint her.