my family is plagued

I just remembered... a couple or so summers ago when dad's family came to visit me he said some people in my family, who live in Russia, are Jehova's witnesses. Gahhh, my family is plagued! :D

absolute bitches

Was supposed to go to my childhood friend's wedding today. Yeah I was so sure I was gonna go but as the day came nearer I got more and more hesitant. Didn't wanna cause drama with my anxiety. I just don't do well in crowds. I really would have wanted to go though cause it's (supposedly) once in a lifetime thing.

Instead, I was at my mum's place. We went swimming. Got to skinny dip. The weather was impossibly humid. At least this year we had nice weather on jaanipäev.

Yeah and I've been conversing with these crazy ass vegans for the last two days. Crazy people. Yeah they "care" for the environment and animals but they're absolute bitches to humans. I don't think I've come across more hateful people before. Not feminists nor racists.

hammering

So much hammering today! We tore up the master bedroom's floor. Oh man. Tired now.

Yesterday I was thankful for colours. Went to the shop and I was just amazed by the greens and the blue of the sky. Today I'm thankful for the caring and money of my dad's family. Hopefully I'm able to get by on my own money now. Cannot wait til I get paid. I wanna know how much exactly I will get. It was said 150 euros but since I'm on benefits I should get a bit more.

I've got old

Yesterday was jaaniõhtu. Mum's brother came over with his lady. He said I've got old. How sad.

I'm so jealous

Okay so my brother has been sleeping in a tent with a girl. I'm so jealous. I wanna be sleeping with someone so close to me. Fuck. My brother has everything I wanted/needed as a kid: a family, computer and internet, a girl. Fuck!
Dare he get a girlfriend before I get a boyfriend! Shit.

mirror cracker

Shit. Why did I have to gain all that weight? It doesn't get me down and I'm not obsessing over it but I'm just annoyed. If I had not started taking my pills I'd be a skinny minny right now and could go to the beach and make all the bitches jealous.
Yeah I was just looking at some models and I just thought I could look that good. Body wise. My face is a mirror cracker lol.
I wish I didn't get all this anxiety before work then I could go down on my Olansapine dosage and maybe finally I'd start losing weight. Weirdly, it still hasn't really registered that I'm fat now. In my head I'm a skinny person who is fat. I mean I've been skinny most of my life. I look at my fatness as just a phase, a temporary thing. Hopefully it really is.
Ahh...I really wanna get my life back on track.

filters

Fuck. I left my laptop unattended for a whole day and it upgraded to Windows 10 on its own. Fuck! I don't understand shit. I never wanted to upgrade or a change. Ugh.
Mum's friend Ingrid was over with her man Juku. Had a dinner with them and a little chat. Was fun.
Plus I've discovered Snapchat. Those filters are so much fun.

I will never see him

So my brother graduated from middle school today. And he'll be going to a trade school next year. Yeah, I don't like how old he's getting. I don't want him to grow up. I hope he won't move to Tartu any time soon cause then I won't see him at all. Right now I see him when I come to mum's but when he moves to Tartu, I will never see him cause... why would he wanna hang out with me?!

Home and fed

Home and fed now. Thank god.
My, what anxiety I had today. Took four valerian pills, 5 drops of Valium, two activated charcoal pills, one painkiller and one pill of Cerucal. Plus, I got really hungry towards the end of the day and my blood sugar must have dropped so that helped along to the anxiety. Ugh. And tomorrow the woman who works the day shift is going to a model casting so I have to do her job. I don't even wanna think about the anxiety I will get.

The good thing is my brother past all of his exams and will graduate from the ninth grade. Wooo!

*super sad face*

I'm at work waiting to start. So anxious *super sad face*

Plus plus

Damn June, you're such a let down. It's so fucking cold and rainy. All day today. Plus I had to get up early to help mum out at the shop. Plus plus I had a cold bath. Fuck.
Had a three hour nap though :)
And yesterday this one guy started talking to me again, one who I've met before a couple of times. Haven't shagged him yet.
Mum said she set up a scarecrow. The name's Juula. lol So stupid. Our old one was called Marfalda. Mum's great at thinking up ugly names.

three weeks in

Damn my anxiety. I still feel anxious before work, eventhough I'm three weeks in. I normally feel like I really wanna go into work though. I like it so far.

water our beans

Fuck I hate gardening! Like I could've been at 5sos' gig last night but I had to water our beans.
And today been gardening for the most of the day. Weeding while listening to 5sos.

It's insulting

So this guy I was supposed to move in with, for lower rent not cause of relationshipy reasons... He invited me to cuddle naked. He said I could touch his junk. And he said he didn't mean it in a sexual way. WTF!?
It's insulting how stupid he thinks I am. Or maybe he himself is incredibly idiotic.

I wanna buy shit. Like food shit

Waiting for money like... *twiddles thumbs*
I better get my disability benefit tomorrow. I wanna buy shit. Like food shit.

going herbal

So I'm going herbal. I still need medication for work so I thought the herbal versions aren't as harsh to my body. I don't wanna get hooked on valium. Plus Cercual is also a bad pill.
Now I'm not completely knocking them cause they've served me soooooo well over the years but I wanna go easy on my body. :) My doc gave me a yes aswell on this.

31/5/2016