Wtf!? It happened again. So I had a dream I took a pic of Matthew while he was out and he was unhappy about it cause I didn't kinda like ask for permission.
And then later on I had a dream I was riding Shemar again.
Why is that a thing when I have a thing for Matthew!? Ugh.
Also last night I listened to old Estonian pop music til 5am. No lie. It was good.
Friday, December 29, 2017
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Monday, December 18, 2017
feeling okay now
So either gabapentin caught up with me or olanzapine is doing its thing again. Had to call myself an ambulance at work today. Too much wooziness. Didn't do the floors at work or the downstairs toilets. My boss turned off her phone when I told her I was gonna call the ambulance. Basically meaning I gotta work and she doesn't wanna know I can't.
Whatever. Told my mum too. She got pissed that the boss did that and never called to check on me. She was like, "what if you had died and she never checked up on you? You'd be discovered by the people coming to work in the morning".
Before the ambulance got there I tried calling my mum to warn them they might have to come and pick me up from hospital.
But as I thought there's nothing they could do, the paramedics. First I called my doctor but it was after hours so she didn't reply. Then called the 24h GP number, they told me to call the ambulance. Then called my boss to tell her I was gonna call the ambulance and they might take me to hospital.
Then the ambulance. I told the operator I wasn't sure if I even needed an ambulance if there was even anything they could do but I was advised to call them.
So they showed up, my vitals were fine, just the puls a little higher - 100, probably cause I was a little nervous and the blood sugar was a little lower 4,3 I think, BP was fine. So... the GP number and the operator suspected I had high blood pressure but no. It wasn't anxiety for sure. But it was definitely from one of the pills. Have had it before but normally goes away after a while. Today, had it for 7 hours and got progressively worse. Like when I moved around at work with every body and head movement I felt like I was gonna pass out or twirl into a neverending whirlpool. Just...not particularily dizzy, I dunno how to describe the feeling. Like the feeling was so intense I started feeling nauseous from the unstableness, wobbliness in my head.
The paramedics wanted to give me cerucal, I had taken one already. I told them I wasn't sure if diazepam would be a good idea and they agreed. Told them I have to go home by bike and they said it would be too dangerous.
Yeah, I had to call the shop manager and tell him I couldn't reach my boss to get anyone to cover for me and that the floors will be dirty. He said I can go home. Hopefully no shit will take pace tomorrow, health wise orany fucking problem wise that I left work ealry and unfinished today.
I'm feeling okay now. Gonna have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and talk to her about all this. I eventually got a hold of her and she talked to the paramedics.
Whatever. Told my mum too. She got pissed that the boss did that and never called to check on me. She was like, "what if you had died and she never checked up on you? You'd be discovered by the people coming to work in the morning".
Before the ambulance got there I tried calling my mum to warn them they might have to come and pick me up from hospital.
But as I thought there's nothing they could do, the paramedics. First I called my doctor but it was after hours so she didn't reply. Then called the 24h GP number, they told me to call the ambulance. Then called my boss to tell her I was gonna call the ambulance and they might take me to hospital.
Then the ambulance. I told the operator I wasn't sure if I even needed an ambulance if there was even anything they could do but I was advised to call them.
So they showed up, my vitals were fine, just the puls a little higher - 100, probably cause I was a little nervous and the blood sugar was a little lower 4,3 I think, BP was fine. So... the GP number and the operator suspected I had high blood pressure but no. It wasn't anxiety for sure. But it was definitely from one of the pills. Have had it before but normally goes away after a while. Today, had it for 7 hours and got progressively worse. Like when I moved around at work with every body and head movement I felt like I was gonna pass out or twirl into a neverending whirlpool. Just...not particularily dizzy, I dunno how to describe the feeling. Like the feeling was so intense I started feeling nauseous from the unstableness, wobbliness in my head.
The paramedics wanted to give me cerucal, I had taken one already. I told them I wasn't sure if diazepam would be a good idea and they agreed. Told them I have to go home by bike and they said it would be too dangerous.
Yeah, I had to call the shop manager and tell him I couldn't reach my boss to get anyone to cover for me and that the floors will be dirty. He said I can go home. Hopefully no shit will take pace tomorrow, health wise orany fucking problem wise that I left work ealry and unfinished today.
I'm feeling okay now. Gonna have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and talk to her about all this. I eventually got a hold of her and she talked to the paramedics.
Friday, December 15, 2017
after years and years
I make sense.
So after years and years of pill taking I finally bought a pillbox. I'm literally weening off my pills at this point. Only escitalopram left that I take fully.
It's been 21 days I think since my last olanzapine. So I hope the gabapentin is working.
Yesterday was a horrible day though, hopefully today won't repeat it. I was bleeding/spotting badly. It wasn't gooey period blood, it was flat out bleeding, dark really watery blood. And I got diarrhea aswell. Freaked me out. What the fuck is this!? Can hormones do that!? I think they can.
I really hope the body settles and calms down as quickly as possible.
Yeah and also after years and years of riding my bike I finally bought glasses for riding. Nowadays we get so much rain and snow I've had to ride the bike with my eyes closed. Yeah, not safe.
Ugh...yeah.
So after years and years of pill taking I finally bought a pillbox. I'm literally weening off my pills at this point. Only escitalopram left that I take fully.
It's been 21 days I think since my last olanzapine. So I hope the gabapentin is working.
Yesterday was a horrible day though, hopefully today won't repeat it. I was bleeding/spotting badly. It wasn't gooey period blood, it was flat out bleeding, dark really watery blood. And I got diarrhea aswell. Freaked me out. What the fuck is this!? Can hormones do that!? I think they can.
I really hope the body settles and calms down as quickly as possible.
Yeah and also after years and years of riding my bike I finally bought glasses for riding. Nowadays we get so much rain and snow I've had to ride the bike with my eyes closed. Yeah, not safe.
Ugh...yeah.
Monday, December 04, 2017
three kinds of fun
Wow what fun day I had! And the weekend aswell. Had three kinds of fun: on periods, stomach bug and olanzapine withdrawal.
I hope the bug is more or less gone now and I can sleep fine tonight. Shit! I had sleep paralysis again after several, several years. I guess I had a fever and was just feeling sick in general and that triggered major, only physical, anxiety and that triggered the paralysis.
I opened my eyes and wasn't completely all there consciously. I had that typical omnious sleep paralysis feeling but when I had my eyes open all I could really see was the night stand. For some reason I felt it was evil and wanted to scream at it and scare it away but as, again, typical for the paralysis you cannot really make a sound so this pathetic little groany thing came out instead. Yeah crazy night. The good thing was, I was in and out of sleep cause of sickness and anxiety and was thinking constantly I should take diazepam but luckily fell asleep without it. It's a fucking miracle cause the anxiety was sky high.
Yeah and I managed to go to the physiotherapist today. Assigned workout and massage for me. Wanna ask dad for 20 euros. One massage is 10 euros, have to do 4 for starters.
Yeah and been on gabapentin for a little over a week now. Feels great. Don't get the drunk, unbalanced feeling anymore. As I said at the start I get a bit of olanzapine withdrawal. Hopefully I can last longer than two weeks without it or maybe get off of it completely. Which is unlikely right now. Think it will be a few more times of taking it or maybe gabapentin won't help at all and I gotta quit it and try something else.
I hope the bug is more or less gone now and I can sleep fine tonight. Shit! I had sleep paralysis again after several, several years. I guess I had a fever and was just feeling sick in general and that triggered major, only physical, anxiety and that triggered the paralysis.
I opened my eyes and wasn't completely all there consciously. I had that typical omnious sleep paralysis feeling but when I had my eyes open all I could really see was the night stand. For some reason I felt it was evil and wanted to scream at it and scare it away but as, again, typical for the paralysis you cannot really make a sound so this pathetic little groany thing came out instead. Yeah crazy night. The good thing was, I was in and out of sleep cause of sickness and anxiety and was thinking constantly I should take diazepam but luckily fell asleep without it. It's a fucking miracle cause the anxiety was sky high.
Yeah and I managed to go to the physiotherapist today. Assigned workout and massage for me. Wanna ask dad for 20 euros. One massage is 10 euros, have to do 4 for starters.
Yeah and been on gabapentin for a little over a week now. Feels great. Don't get the drunk, unbalanced feeling anymore. As I said at the start I get a bit of olanzapine withdrawal. Hopefully I can last longer than two weeks without it or maybe get off of it completely. Which is unlikely right now. Think it will be a few more times of taking it or maybe gabapentin won't help at all and I gotta quit it and try something else.
Sunday, November 26, 2017
Saturday, November 25, 2017
Such a great productive day! Yay!
Okay. Was a good day! After almost two weeks of shitshow.
So birthday happened aswell. The actual day mum came to my workplace and we did basically half the job. Just the bottom floor and not even fully.
On saturday dad came with my stepmum, my brother didn't come cause he had something bad happen to him and he wasn't in the mood.
Then later on after dad and his wife had left, my mum and her man and my other brother came. Was basic chitchat with both fams.
I had ordered 2 kilos of birthday salad and two banana-chocolate cakes. I had told my mum for years to buy the cake for me so this time I bought two myself. Had to throw out the last piece. Was too much cake :D Next year I'll just get one.
Mum's family gave me a really Stepford wife's gift - a vacuum cleaner. :D I had wanted one for quite a while. I planned to buy a used one. Called Lembit to ask about watts and crap and he said "don't buy a used one, I'll keep an eye out for you if I see a cheap one."
So I got a cute little red one. It's so powerful though. And it's bagless too, woohoo!
Dad gave me some money. Today I went out to waste it. :D
I had bought some more expensive food before but today was the real waste day.
I bought four new pillowcases, a fitted sheet that I'll use as a mattress cover cause the mattress is white. I also bought a yellow bed sheet. I just washed them to use them. The bastard yellow sheet coloured my other stuff though. One of the pillowcases was so nice and blue and now it's bright green. Fuck!
And I bought myself twinkle lights a while ago. not cause of Christmas but cause I like shiny colourful, twinkling lights.
And I bought myself a perfume or something...some Adidas one.
Yeah I went to a few shops today. Walked around Lõunakeskus alone and then went to work and then went to Eeden. Had two cheeseburgers in Eeden. Some woman walking by laughed at me eating them. Oh yeah and had a smoothie and a wrap at Lõunakeskus. I'm evolving!
Then came home and cleaned the place and cooked.
I left the house at 11:45 in the morning and just sat down about half an hour ago. Such a great productive day! Yay!
Also started a new pill last night, the gabapentin. And the shitshow of a fortnight was cause my body was craving olanzapine. So hopefully now I won't crave it anymore or won't feel as bad. Ughhh!
I think why I felt so bad this time was cause I quarter the pill into four pieces. And I guess some pieces don't have as much olanzapine in them and I guess I got the little content pill.
I hope this new little fucker works! It makes me dizzy which will hopefully go away at some point. But if not then I'm willing to live with it for two months if it means I can get off of olanzapine.
I got bruises and menstraul spotting again last time I took the pill.
Oh I also got to see a endocrinologist. She was super nice! The nicest doctor I've met in my life! Was attentive and listened to what I said.
Had blood tests done for thyroid, possibly sex hormones and also liver. She said it's most likely a progesterone thing that I keep bleeding inbetween periods.
She did ultrasound on my thyroid, saw a little cyst, like 0,4 and 0,6 cm or something. She said it can go away on its own. And siad it was a little thicker and a little bigger but no obvious, alarming faults.
Should get my results on monday.
So birthday happened aswell. The actual day mum came to my workplace and we did basically half the job. Just the bottom floor and not even fully.
On saturday dad came with my stepmum, my brother didn't come cause he had something bad happen to him and he wasn't in the mood.
Then later on after dad and his wife had left, my mum and her man and my other brother came. Was basic chitchat with both fams.
I had ordered 2 kilos of birthday salad and two banana-chocolate cakes. I had told my mum for years to buy the cake for me so this time I bought two myself. Had to throw out the last piece. Was too much cake :D Next year I'll just get one.
Mum's family gave me a really Stepford wife's gift - a vacuum cleaner. :D I had wanted one for quite a while. I planned to buy a used one. Called Lembit to ask about watts and crap and he said "don't buy a used one, I'll keep an eye out for you if I see a cheap one."
So I got a cute little red one. It's so powerful though. And it's bagless too, woohoo!
Dad gave me some money. Today I went out to waste it. :D
I had bought some more expensive food before but today was the real waste day.
I bought four new pillowcases, a fitted sheet that I'll use as a mattress cover cause the mattress is white. I also bought a yellow bed sheet. I just washed them to use them. The bastard yellow sheet coloured my other stuff though. One of the pillowcases was so nice and blue and now it's bright green. Fuck!
And I bought myself twinkle lights a while ago. not cause of Christmas but cause I like shiny colourful, twinkling lights.
And I bought myself a perfume or something...some Adidas one.
Yeah I went to a few shops today. Walked around Lõunakeskus alone and then went to work and then went to Eeden. Had two cheeseburgers in Eeden. Some woman walking by laughed at me eating them. Oh yeah and had a smoothie and a wrap at Lõunakeskus. I'm evolving!
Then came home and cleaned the place and cooked.
I left the house at 11:45 in the morning and just sat down about half an hour ago. Such a great productive day! Yay!
Also started a new pill last night, the gabapentin. And the shitshow of a fortnight was cause my body was craving olanzapine. So hopefully now I won't crave it anymore or won't feel as bad. Ughhh!
I think why I felt so bad this time was cause I quarter the pill into four pieces. And I guess some pieces don't have as much olanzapine in them and I guess I got the little content pill.
I hope this new little fucker works! It makes me dizzy which will hopefully go away at some point. But if not then I'm willing to live with it for two months if it means I can get off of olanzapine.
I got bruises and menstraul spotting again last time I took the pill.
Oh I also got to see a endocrinologist. She was super nice! The nicest doctor I've met in my life! Was attentive and listened to what I said.
Had blood tests done for thyroid, possibly sex hormones and also liver. She said it's most likely a progesterone thing that I keep bleeding inbetween periods.
She did ultrasound on my thyroid, saw a little cyst, like 0,4 and 0,6 cm or something. She said it can go away on its own. And siad it was a little thicker and a little bigger but no obvious, alarming faults.
Should get my results on monday.
Wednesday, November 15, 2017
no clue what is going on
Ok, have no clue what is going on. Started feeling super dizzy at work, or like I was gonna pass out. Have anxiety now and little passing out feeling. Am I sick? Do I need more antipsychotic? Like...what? Ughh, don't wanna up my dose.
Tuesday, November 14, 2017
I thought I was over this. Guess not
Ugh. I thought I was over this. Guess not. Took a pill on Monday morning at 7am. Olanzapine of course. By the time I got to work I was spotting again. Fuck! And I've been up all night lately aswell. Took the pill then and I slept til 15:30. So it's obviously the pill that's causing my insomnia aswell. Ughhhh!
Sunday, November 05, 2017
all I've done is die
Started my period today. Took a 1000mg of paracetamol and a no spa. Not even an ounce less pain! Fuck! Should have taken ibuprofen straight away. I thought since it makes you bleed more I shouldn't take it when on period but fuck... I'd rather bleed more than have this pain. I mean it's not gonna make me bleed to death ffs. Now I have to wait a few hours to take it and suffer through til that time. Tried to take a nap but someone was drilling something or...something.
The upside is, my mum's man came over today to help me put together the bed my landlord bought me. It's a long story, dunno if blogged before, but my back didn't want to let me sleep on the old bed so the landlord ended up buying a new one for me. Mum's man said it doesn't look like a very sturdy bed so hopefully it doesn't collapse when I'm in it.
Yesterday was super though. I worked at two places. Went in to my regular job to do extra work, for free. I just felt so productive yesterday. Thought of leaving one place for today but I was already spotting yesterday and I thought I'd start properly today and would be dying today and was right. So luckily I did everything yesterday. Today all I've done is die.
Should be better tomorrow.
TS5112017
The upside is, my mum's man came over today to help me put together the bed my landlord bought me. It's a long story, dunno if blogged before, but my back didn't want to let me sleep on the old bed so the landlord ended up buying a new one for me. Mum's man said it doesn't look like a very sturdy bed so hopefully it doesn't collapse when I'm in it.
Yesterday was super though. I worked at two places. Went in to my regular job to do extra work, for free. I just felt so productive yesterday. Thought of leaving one place for today but I was already spotting yesterday and I thought I'd start properly today and would be dying today and was right. So luckily I did everything yesterday. Today all I've done is die.
Should be better tomorrow.
TS5112017
Saturday, November 04, 2017
Can I have it every night?
Yeah yeah I know I have the dream page but I had a dream I had sex with Matthew Gray Gubler and then with Shemar Moore. To my... dismay maybe?... Moore was better. Fuck! :D Gubler's the babe though. Great dream though. Can I have it every night?
Friday, November 03, 2017
I want a kid
Waaah, I want to be pregnant now! I want a kid for myself. Look at how cute she is. I want one for myself.My mom sent me this video of my 2 year old niece jentree watching a movie and crying because the dinosaur fell and lost his mom...my heart 😭 pic.twitter.com/sztF9ihQC9— m (@emilybroderick) September 19, 2017
Wednesday, November 01, 2017
what the shit do you want!?
Omg, I'm going fucking crazy! My back is so fucking annoying. I absolutely cannot sleep. My back gets so stiff and uncomfortable that it keeps me awake. It's my first night on my new mattress.
Before I thought it was my bed. So I moved the old mattress off the bed and slept on it, on the ground. Still no better. Then I figured it must be the mattress. Slept on the little chair pillow on the ground. Too hard, kept me awake, sore muscles. Then I put the chair pillow on the mattress-less bed and slept there. Very bad idea. Sore muscles. And now my apartment owner bought a new mattress and bed for me. The bed hasn't even arrived yet, I'm just sleeping on the new mattress and it's fucking keeping me awake! I have no fucking clue where and how to sleep. My back muscles get so uncomfortable, tense and sore. It used to be mainly on my lower back and now it's all over. And the painkillers obviously don't help against the tenseness and discomfort. There is absolutely nothing I can do! Just sit awake all night. It gets tense even when I just sit here, type on my laptop. It gets tense when I stand or move. Like what the shit do you want!?!?!?
I'm gonna take some diazepam hoping it'll knock me out enough to sleep for a few hours at least without waking up cause of the discomfort. And then I'll call the medical centre straight away for the neurologist. Or maybe I'll stay up til 8 and call, then try to go to sleep.
Oh yeah and my crazies have almost stopped since I took the pill on sunday.
Before I thought it was my bed. So I moved the old mattress off the bed and slept on it, on the ground. Still no better. Then I figured it must be the mattress. Slept on the little chair pillow on the ground. Too hard, kept me awake, sore muscles. Then I put the chair pillow on the mattress-less bed and slept there. Very bad idea. Sore muscles. And now my apartment owner bought a new mattress and bed for me. The bed hasn't even arrived yet, I'm just sleeping on the new mattress and it's fucking keeping me awake! I have no fucking clue where and how to sleep. My back muscles get so uncomfortable, tense and sore. It used to be mainly on my lower back and now it's all over. And the painkillers obviously don't help against the tenseness and discomfort. There is absolutely nothing I can do! Just sit awake all night. It gets tense even when I just sit here, type on my laptop. It gets tense when I stand or move. Like what the shit do you want!?!?!?
I'm gonna take some diazepam hoping it'll knock me out enough to sleep for a few hours at least without waking up cause of the discomfort. And then I'll call the medical centre straight away for the neurologist. Or maybe I'll stay up til 8 and call, then try to go to sleep.
Oh yeah and my crazies have almost stopped since I took the pill on sunday.
Sunday, October 29, 2017
have these crazy feelings right now
Ughh! I have these crazy feelings right now. It's like derealization or dizziness or just a feeling of passing out. It keeps coming on all the time. No surprise though. It's been exactly two weeks since my last... hit of my antipsychotic. Crazy withdrawal. Will take the pill later. Ugh, feels so horrible.
The doc prescribed gabapentin instead of olanzapine. Just to see if I can go over to that. She said gabapentin should be a lot easier to go off of. Also normally she said, she would just replace olanzapine - a really strong antipsychotic, with a lighter antipsychotic. But said I don't actually have anything psyche wise wrong with me to be on those pills so the ebst idea for me would be to go off of it. I was only put on the pill for severe nausea induced by anxiety. The pill is also given to chemo therapy patients when they start feeling sick or get severely sick.
I mean, olanzapine is the only pill that has ever taken away my nausea but in general I'm a lot better so I don't need it anymore. Just gotta somehow get off of it. I don't have the time to ride out the withdrawal symptoms cause they get so bad I can't function but I need to work. So another way has to be found. And there's no telling how long the symptoms would last so I can't take time off work either for this.
Ughh...I'll just go off now to feel sick and crazy.
The doc prescribed gabapentin instead of olanzapine. Just to see if I can go over to that. She said gabapentin should be a lot easier to go off of. Also normally she said, she would just replace olanzapine - a really strong antipsychotic, with a lighter antipsychotic. But said I don't actually have anything psyche wise wrong with me to be on those pills so the ebst idea for me would be to go off of it. I was only put on the pill for severe nausea induced by anxiety. The pill is also given to chemo therapy patients when they start feeling sick or get severely sick.
I mean, olanzapine is the only pill that has ever taken away my nausea but in general I'm a lot better so I don't need it anymore. Just gotta somehow get off of it. I don't have the time to ride out the withdrawal symptoms cause they get so bad I can't function but I need to work. So another way has to be found. And there's no telling how long the symptoms would last so I can't take time off work either for this.
Ughh...I'll just go off now to feel sick and crazy.
Thursday, October 26, 2017
First snow
First snow right now. I got so excited. Probably not that excited tomorrow at work when I have to clean the mess.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
soooooo much itch!
Aaaarrrgghh!!! I'm in soooooo much itch! It's fucking 6:30 in the morning and I'm up cause I can't sleep cause of the itch. Fuck!
Tuesday, October 24, 2017
feel the rage abrewing
Okay, if I have an STD I'm gonna kill a bitch! Not pointing fingers yet but feel the rage abrewing.
Just here for the shags
Long time no specific posting.
It's been about my health.
So can't remember if I blogged about this or not. So apparently, my gyno said I have a polyp tendency or something like it. Not totally confirming that I do. And she wanted to schedule a surgery. I asked for a second ultrasound to be sure that I actually have it. I don't. Why schedule the surgery when not completely sure?
Then my GP wanted to put me on antibiotics cause of "bladder infection". I literally had no symptoms. They said must be asymptomatic. I declined the antibiotics cause they kill me. I took some herbal paste thingy and cranberry pills. Went in for a urine test five days later and I was clear. Why put me on antibiotics first then?
Yeah and ever since I moved into my new place I've had back problems. Most likely cause of my bed/mattress. I took the mattress of my bed cause I thought it was the bed's fault. It's really a sofa that you can open it and when it's open it concaves in the middle and is uncomfortable.
I put the mattress on the floor and slept on that. No change. I literally cannot tell if the mattress is too soft or too hard or what the shit is wrong with it. I feel normal on it but my back gets fucked up.
Now I'm sleeping on this chair pillow that serves as a mattress. It's a little better but too hard.
At least I don't have belly aches anymore. I used to get them along with back aches.
Went to the GP with this. She didn't even want to do x-rays. She basically ignored my back problems. I left the office and met up with my therapist and she told me to call my GP and demand an ultrasound. I did. Got it. There's actual problems with my back. Like the discs are too close or something or wonky and my back is too curved and the spine is curved blah blah blah.
Seeind a neurologist this thursday and a physiotherapist in december.
And either mum or the appartment owner are gonna bring me a new bed. Will see.
Also, ended things with The Core Guy. He was too virginal for me.
And I slept with BFM again. This weekend.
Think I have yeast infection now. Hated texting BFM over this. I know I'm his second partner and he worships the ground his ex walks on. I asked him if he was sure he didn't have nay STDs. He said I'm his second. But I know he had unprotected sex with his ex. And I don't wanna be a judgy bitch but she's super young with a kid, in an abusive relationship with some other dude and apparently with a drinking problem so.... I'm not too sure. But I think it's just yeast infection. Cause... I'm on antibiotics.
The doc still thinks I might have Lyme disease so she put me on them. So far managing alright. Have to take them for 20 days.
Yeah so that's the update for now. Oh I'm talking to this Martin guy. But he's sexually inexperienced aswell. Like, why it's a big deal is cause those dudes are looking for sex but like... I want quality shit in a one night stand. I don't have the patience to put up with virginal erectile disfunctions.
The BFM is alright... he's got disfunctions but he...otherwise is better than almoist any other guy I've been with. Oh yeah and I'm not emotionally interested in him anymore. Just here for the shags.
Oh and I have three jobs now :D All janitoring. One every workday, the other twice a week and the third one once a week.
Done.
It's been about my health.
So can't remember if I blogged about this or not. So apparently, my gyno said I have a polyp tendency or something like it. Not totally confirming that I do. And she wanted to schedule a surgery. I asked for a second ultrasound to be sure that I actually have it. I don't. Why schedule the surgery when not completely sure?
Then my GP wanted to put me on antibiotics cause of "bladder infection". I literally had no symptoms. They said must be asymptomatic. I declined the antibiotics cause they kill me. I took some herbal paste thingy and cranberry pills. Went in for a urine test five days later and I was clear. Why put me on antibiotics first then?
Yeah and ever since I moved into my new place I've had back problems. Most likely cause of my bed/mattress. I took the mattress of my bed cause I thought it was the bed's fault. It's really a sofa that you can open it and when it's open it concaves in the middle and is uncomfortable.
I put the mattress on the floor and slept on that. No change. I literally cannot tell if the mattress is too soft or too hard or what the shit is wrong with it. I feel normal on it but my back gets fucked up.
Now I'm sleeping on this chair pillow that serves as a mattress. It's a little better but too hard.
At least I don't have belly aches anymore. I used to get them along with back aches.
Went to the GP with this. She didn't even want to do x-rays. She basically ignored my back problems. I left the office and met up with my therapist and she told me to call my GP and demand an ultrasound. I did. Got it. There's actual problems with my back. Like the discs are too close or something or wonky and my back is too curved and the spine is curved blah blah blah.
Seeind a neurologist this thursday and a physiotherapist in december.
And either mum or the appartment owner are gonna bring me a new bed. Will see.
Also, ended things with The Core Guy. He was too virginal for me.
And I slept with BFM again. This weekend.
Think I have yeast infection now. Hated texting BFM over this. I know I'm his second partner and he worships the ground his ex walks on. I asked him if he was sure he didn't have nay STDs. He said I'm his second. But I know he had unprotected sex with his ex. And I don't wanna be a judgy bitch but she's super young with a kid, in an abusive relationship with some other dude and apparently with a drinking problem so.... I'm not too sure. But I think it's just yeast infection. Cause... I'm on antibiotics.
The doc still thinks I might have Lyme disease so she put me on them. So far managing alright. Have to take them for 20 days.
Yeah so that's the update for now. Oh I'm talking to this Martin guy. But he's sexually inexperienced aswell. Like, why it's a big deal is cause those dudes are looking for sex but like... I want quality shit in a one night stand. I don't have the patience to put up with virginal erectile disfunctions.
The BFM is alright... he's got disfunctions but he...otherwise is better than almoist any other guy I've been with. Oh yeah and I'm not emotionally interested in him anymore. Just here for the shags.
Oh and I have three jobs now :D All janitoring. One every workday, the other twice a week and the third one once a week.
Done.
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
it's official
I'm not thinking of dying just yet but... have wanted to do this for a long time. Now it's official. Doing it out of positivity and hopefully good health for someone.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
gemini
Jesus fuck, why is every guy I talk to a gemini? I don't believe in astrology but like... what's the the constant overflow of gemini men?
TS8102017
TS8102017
Saturday, September 30, 2017
Friday, September 29, 2017
No biggie!
Okay, last night I bawled. Cause my friend had had a miscarriage. I didn't cry for her but just about the thought of (me) having a miscarriage. Fuck, must be the most horrible thing ever.
And when I found out she had had it she said the doctor had told her it was a "natural selection". Okay, I've always known doctors were stupid assholes but this bitch takes the cake. I've been fuming ever since the weekend over this. If some bitch ass cunt called the death of my child a "natural selection" I'd fucking sue! What is this retarded excuse of a doctor and human being!?!? You can call your own kids natural selections if you don't give a fuck about them but other people do care about their children, waaaaaaaaaay more than to call their deaths natural selection. Fuck what a cunt!
I also found out they don't start investigating until you've had like 3 or 4 miscarriages cause apparently it's all natural and okay to lose a child. No biggie! It's just natural selection. I mean if you take it this pragmatically then all your child really needs when it's out of the womb is some food... and that's it. It's all you have to do. Just keep it alive somehow and it can take care of it itself with everything else. If you teach the fucker how to cook at the age of 2 or 3 you can pretty much move the shit out and get it off your back. If it dies, it just natural selection. I mean you can't actually care about and for your child cause you'd be fucking with nature apparently and the medical system.
Yeah but she's pregnant again. And so is another girl I know. Yeah and I'm apparently growing a polyp in my uterus. Will be going to the doc for that next tuesday. They will take more samples and blood aswell I was told. Then I can also have another ultrasound to be sure I have the polyp. If I don't have another ultrasound then I'll just have the surgery but like....why go under anaesthesia when it's not even a sure thing!?
This would be a good transition to talk about my GP and her antibiotics business but I'm so done with this crap right now.
And when I found out she had had it she said the doctor had told her it was a "natural selection". Okay, I've always known doctors were stupid assholes but this bitch takes the cake. I've been fuming ever since the weekend over this. If some bitch ass cunt called the death of my child a "natural selection" I'd fucking sue! What is this retarded excuse of a doctor and human being!?!? You can call your own kids natural selections if you don't give a fuck about them but other people do care about their children, waaaaaaaaaay more than to call their deaths natural selection. Fuck what a cunt!
I also found out they don't start investigating until you've had like 3 or 4 miscarriages cause apparently it's all natural and okay to lose a child. No biggie! It's just natural selection. I mean if you take it this pragmatically then all your child really needs when it's out of the womb is some food... and that's it. It's all you have to do. Just keep it alive somehow and it can take care of it itself with everything else. If you teach the fucker how to cook at the age of 2 or 3 you can pretty much move the shit out and get it off your back. If it dies, it just natural selection. I mean you can't actually care about and for your child cause you'd be fucking with nature apparently and the medical system.
Yeah but she's pregnant again. And so is another girl I know. Yeah and I'm apparently growing a polyp in my uterus. Will be going to the doc for that next tuesday. They will take more samples and blood aswell I was told. Then I can also have another ultrasound to be sure I have the polyp. If I don't have another ultrasound then I'll just have the surgery but like....why go under anaesthesia when it's not even a sure thing!?
This would be a good transition to talk about my GP and her antibiotics business but I'm so done with this crap right now.
Wednesday, September 27, 2017
blurting
Today. Me and mum saw a paired up line of kindergarten kids taking a walk
with their teachers at the start and end of the line. One of the little
girls was walking around with her pants around her ankles. It's already
cold in Tartu, like autumn-y but sunny, so she was wearing thicker pants, the ones that were
around the ankles, and pink little leggings underneath. She just gave no
fucks at all. Kept on walking like nothing was wrong. She was so cute. I
blurted out "one girl is pantsless". And nobody knew who cause there
were so many kids. And I blurted it out again and then the teacher at
the back of the line saw the girl. She said, "Kristel, how can you walk
around like that!? Can you not feel your pants are down?". Me and mum
were past them already but I assume the teacher pulled her pants up. I
later felt bad for blurting out what I said in front of everybody but I
don't think the girl cared cause...she literally kept smiling and
walking with those pants.
Sunday, September 24, 2017
Um...
That awkward moment when you haven't seen someone in a long time and you meet them randomly and tell them your health history and then to be polite you jokingly ask, "So, how's your health? You not pregnant or anything?" and they say, "Well, actually I am." Um...
Saturday, September 23, 2017
I like
So yeah been a while.
Been to doctor a lot. Blood tests were fine. Typical. Urine showed some inflammation. Lung x-rays were fine. Did new blood tests and poop one, didn't ring in yet. The GP thinks I might have Lyme disease. Yeah no. She wanted to put me on antibiotics for a month, even without testing me first. Okay then.
Yeah I have like a fuckton of symptoms which I've been mentioning for months now on this blog. Been listing them to doctors too many times lately to repeat them here. I mean it's all cause of olanzapine but whatever...
Just waiting for the 3rd of october to know more about my polyp surgery. Maybe then the bleeding/spotting will stop.
Yeah, think it was the last weekend I put my cactus babes back in pots. Hopefully will be better this time. I got sand from the Anne canal beach. And gravel from my mum's man's work place. Won't water them for forever now. And when I do, I bought the spray bottle for them, I will be using it cause I was advised to. Just to like water the surface.
Been seeing the Core Guy a few times. He's still scared as ever. Little virgin.
Um yeah and got an extra little cleaning job on wednesdays and fridays/weekends. Didn't go in yesterday. Was out on town with mum. Cleaned today. Was nice. I like.
And when I got home from work I re-assembled my room. My back has been giving me serious stiffness and weirdness from the bad bed. Sleeping on the matress now. The bed kinda like concaves in the middle and you end up sleeping in a horrible position. So now I have a bed in a form of a matress on the floor and and extra place to sit in my room in the form of a foldable bed/sofa. Again, I like. Hopefully I'll sleep better, back wise.
Oh I got a new winter jacket too. Yay! It's dark blue. The sleeves are a little short but just gotta wear gloves.
Been to doctor a lot. Blood tests were fine. Typical. Urine showed some inflammation. Lung x-rays were fine. Did new blood tests and poop one, didn't ring in yet. The GP thinks I might have Lyme disease. Yeah no. She wanted to put me on antibiotics for a month, even without testing me first. Okay then.
Yeah I have like a fuckton of symptoms which I've been mentioning for months now on this blog. Been listing them to doctors too many times lately to repeat them here. I mean it's all cause of olanzapine but whatever...
Just waiting for the 3rd of october to know more about my polyp surgery. Maybe then the bleeding/spotting will stop.
Yeah, think it was the last weekend I put my cactus babes back in pots. Hopefully will be better this time. I got sand from the Anne canal beach. And gravel from my mum's man's work place. Won't water them for forever now. And when I do, I bought the spray bottle for them, I will be using it cause I was advised to. Just to like water the surface.
Been seeing the Core Guy a few times. He's still scared as ever. Little virgin.
Um yeah and got an extra little cleaning job on wednesdays and fridays/weekends. Didn't go in yesterday. Was out on town with mum. Cleaned today. Was nice. I like.
And when I got home from work I re-assembled my room. My back has been giving me serious stiffness and weirdness from the bad bed. Sleeping on the matress now. The bed kinda like concaves in the middle and you end up sleeping in a horrible position. So now I have a bed in a form of a matress on the floor and and extra place to sit in my room in the form of a foldable bed/sofa. Again, I like. Hopefully I'll sleep better, back wise.
Oh I got a new winter jacket too. Yay! It's dark blue. The sleeves are a little short but just gotta wear gloves.
Sunday, September 10, 2017
The babes are out
The babes are out:
So they're still not doing great. Will leave them like thsi for a few days, then replant. I need a good soil for them. Where I will get it I have no idea.
Also. I said I had a hemorrhoid. Plus I'm spotting. Plus I've been getting bruises a lot in the last few months.
June 20th:
August 27th:
September 10th:
My arms are clear right now. Oh and a sidenote, never mind my ugly skin texture and stretch marks. It's cool, okay!?
The bruises are not cool though.
Think I posted a pic or two before of my bruises. And this, by faaaaaaaaaaarrr, is not all. Maybe I mentioned it but at one point I counted, I had 17, 18 different bruises on one leg. The thigh ones, when counting, would be concidered as one. So there has been 17, 18 of those on my legs. Most of them a little smaller, but it's still alot for the same time and "without any reason".
Now I'm convinced all of that crap is going on cause of the antipshychotic I'm weening off. Talked to my stepmum. She said it could be my liver that's not producing enough...whatever the fuck it was called. Think it just means my blood doesn't properly coagulate or something. I don't even fucking know.
Will go do a full blood panel on tuesday. Could also be my thyroid. Went to see the therapist this week, she still doesn't believe the pill affects the body. Cool story.
Called my psychiatrist. She wants to swap Olanzapine for something else, Fluanxol. Another antidepressant. Doubt it'll make a difference. I just can't get off Olanzapine. I can go without maybe like 10 days or so. And when I take it I start spotting the next day. Lasts about a week. Then a few days it's all good. Then I have to take the pill again, and I start spotting again.
Yeahhh.... hope it'll all work out.
Also. I said I had a hemorrhoid. Plus I'm spotting. Plus I've been getting bruises a lot in the last few months.
June 20th:
My arms are clear right now. Oh and a sidenote, never mind my ugly skin texture and stretch marks. It's cool, okay!?
The bruises are not cool though.
Think I posted a pic or two before of my bruises. And this, by faaaaaaaaaaarrr, is not all. Maybe I mentioned it but at one point I counted, I had 17, 18 different bruises on one leg. The thigh ones, when counting, would be concidered as one. So there has been 17, 18 of those on my legs. Most of them a little smaller, but it's still alot for the same time and "without any reason".
Now I'm convinced all of that crap is going on cause of the antipshychotic I'm weening off. Talked to my stepmum. She said it could be my liver that's not producing enough...whatever the fuck it was called. Think it just means my blood doesn't properly coagulate or something. I don't even fucking know.
Will go do a full blood panel on tuesday. Could also be my thyroid. Went to see the therapist this week, she still doesn't believe the pill affects the body. Cool story.
Called my psychiatrist. She wants to swap Olanzapine for something else, Fluanxol. Another antidepressant. Doubt it'll make a difference. I just can't get off Olanzapine. I can go without maybe like 10 days or so. And when I take it I start spotting the next day. Lasts about a week. Then a few days it's all good. Then I have to take the pill again, and I start spotting again.
Yeahhh.... hope it'll all work out.
Wednesday, September 06, 2017
Tuesday, September 05, 2017
Monday, September 04, 2017
Go away!
Everything fucking sucks right now. I'm so out of energy and motivation it's fucking unreal. And I feel sick often. Is it the olanzapine withdrawal? Who the fuck knows!
What I think the consensus is of me feeling sick at night, like in the last blog entry, is that I trigger myself.
Last time for some reason I was intensely thinking of puking and I had the worst anxious night.
Last evening I watched some pregnancy update video on youtube and got really broody but thought I'd be a fucking sick mess if I was to ever fall pregnant. Thought about puking and being sick again. And sure enough, had the worst fucking night last night. Still feel like crap.
And then last wednesday or something I got a fucking hemorrhoid! Still have it. Go away! It's been an outer one but now I'm feeling soreness on the inside aswell. Fucking fun times!
And then just today I got my gynecologist test results. I have been spotting for about a month now. Thought it was cause of olanzapine, some hormonal stuff. Well, no change in cells in cervix, no inflammation but I might have a polyp. That means I gotta have surgery. Fuck!
Yeah I have another consultation on October 3rd so it'll be a while.
Yeah and everything with men is over. Especially BFM. It's been like a week now that it's all completely over. It's... over. I really had to shut myself down emotionally. And now I'm not interested in anyone. Did watch The Core with the Core Guy but since I'm so shut off and health wise not motivated or energized at all, I'm not sure I'm interested in anything. Haven't told him that yet.
Ugh yeah, that's where I'm at.
What I think the consensus is of me feeling sick at night, like in the last blog entry, is that I trigger myself.
Last time for some reason I was intensely thinking of puking and I had the worst anxious night.
Last evening I watched some pregnancy update video on youtube and got really broody but thought I'd be a fucking sick mess if I was to ever fall pregnant. Thought about puking and being sick again. And sure enough, had the worst fucking night last night. Still feel like crap.
And then last wednesday or something I got a fucking hemorrhoid! Still have it. Go away! It's been an outer one but now I'm feeling soreness on the inside aswell. Fucking fun times!
And then just today I got my gynecologist test results. I have been spotting for about a month now. Thought it was cause of olanzapine, some hormonal stuff. Well, no change in cells in cervix, no inflammation but I might have a polyp. That means I gotta have surgery. Fuck!
Yeah I have another consultation on October 3rd so it'll be a while.
Yeah and everything with men is over. Especially BFM. It's been like a week now that it's all completely over. It's... over. I really had to shut myself down emotionally. And now I'm not interested in anyone. Did watch The Core with the Core Guy but since I'm so shut off and health wise not motivated or energized at all, I'm not sure I'm interested in anything. Haven't told him that yet.
Ugh yeah, that's where I'm at.
Wednesday, August 30, 2017
Think I'm falling
No lie. Think I'm falling ill again. Feel super weird. Took valium just in case cause dunno for sure what's making me feel like this. Ugh. I'd rather it'd be anxiety cause then it'll go away with valium but if it's the flu or something it'll take forever to go away again. Ugh.
Wednesday, August 23, 2017
my knee hurts and hands are scraped
Also, I fell off my bike today. lol
I didn't see a big truck coming from behind parked trucks and I pressed down on my breaks and they completely stopped my bike. My feet were on the ground already but the speed had been too high I guess and the bike like turned and knocked me over. The truck driver was gesturing something at me and I just laughed out of embarrassment and gestured for him to move on and said "I'm fine".
Ow, my knee hurts and hands are scraped.
I didn't see a big truck coming from behind parked trucks and I pressed down on my breaks and they completely stopped my bike. My feet were on the ground already but the speed had been too high I guess and the bike like turned and knocked me over. The truck driver was gesturing something at me and I just laughed out of embarrassment and gestured for him to move on and said "I'm fine".
Ow, my knee hurts and hands are scraped.
I have two bikes now. And two rides.
This might bring me a lot of trouble in the future but...whatever. I have thoughts. I had feelings too but they've calmed down.
So I had a date arranged with the Core Guy for sunday. But I was really feeling BFM so I cancelled the sunday. I had the most fantastic time with BFM on thursday and I was really into him. That's why I cancelled the Core Guy cause I felt like I was almost cheating on the other one.
Well, on friday BFM says he's not interested in a relationship with me. He just wants to be friends who fuck. At one point he did say he wanted me.
Okay, so all friday I was bummed out. But we didn't talk all weekend and I got over it properly. I mean I just met him so it wasn't that deep but I really did dig him.
Anyway, on friday I called up the Core Guy again, to make sunday happen. He was still in. I had sent a message to BFM saying I'm okay with just fucking then, if he's not interested, he's not interested. He even said, I can get a boyfriend and all. That was like a complete buzzkill for me cause that shows he's not into me at all.
Anyway, he didn't reply to my text and I really did cool down. I had told him to contact me when he...basically wants to get laid.
So I fell ill on friday night. Couldn't do sunday. We rescheduled the date for the next weekend. I flat out asked him what he was after, like sex or what. He said he is interested in me but doesn't wanna rush things. Okay, cool. He's a nice guy aswell.
So this week, BFM, contacted me. Said, I can let him know when I wanna meet up too. I did last week and he didn't really want to so... okay.
And I told him I was sick. I probably fell ill cause we slept together on thrusday night and it was so incredibly hot and I asked him to open the window. I was sleeping on the window side, sweaty, on top of the covers. I also told him I was gonna meet someone else but fell ill.
Then he tells me he felt jealous about it.
I told him I still very much want a relationship and if it's not happening with him then cool, but I will keep looking.
So basically, what I gather from this.... he is still very much into his ex and is making me the substitute. He like tries to have what he wants to have with her but doesn't really want me at all. And I let it happen cause what I really want is a relationship and when I'm with him I'm how I am in a relationship, eventhough I know now things won't work out.
It's super confusing to me cause when I have sex...people, men, we just get together, fuck and part ways. But he wants to kiss and cuddle and talk and go to places and be lovey dovey.
And the crappy thing is, we could just fuck but he can't. Perform. He has to stop and I can see him being physically disturbed. He told me he can't cause he has his ex in his mind.
Fuck! It's a bit too messed up and creepy for me. But he is such a great guy though. He just needs the girl out of his head or get back together with her.
Ughhhhh. I'm just not a superwoman who can make him forget about her. They broke up in december last year...it's august already.
Anyway, I have my mind set on the Core Guy for now. Cause he's actually interested in me. Eventhough I might go over to BFM's house this week and we might go to an event this weekend.
I dunno if any of the previous text made sense. I'm just so... well this week I've been so whatever about everything cause I'm actually sick. Didn't want to go in to work yesterday but my supervisor made me. I have an idiotic contract.
Yeah so I asked my mum to come and help me at work. She did and stayed the night. lol she actually bought the doctor's mask to wear around me cause she didn't wanna fall ill.
Oh yeah and on monday I got a call from the police. A woman said they think they found my bike. Went in on tuesday to ascertain the bike. It was mine! So the story with this is, on the 6th of august, it was stolen. And on the 17th some man had stolen somebody's wallet and the police started chasing him. The dude was escaping on a bike. At some point he man dropped the bike and the wallet and ran off. The wallet person got their stuff back. And my bike was identified! Holy crap! What are the chances!? It's at my mum's man's workplace right now. He will bring it over to me tomorrow. I have two bikes now. And two rides.
So I had a date arranged with the Core Guy for sunday. But I was really feeling BFM so I cancelled the sunday. I had the most fantastic time with BFM on thursday and I was really into him. That's why I cancelled the Core Guy cause I felt like I was almost cheating on the other one.
Well, on friday BFM says he's not interested in a relationship with me. He just wants to be friends who fuck. At one point he did say he wanted me.
Okay, so all friday I was bummed out. But we didn't talk all weekend and I got over it properly. I mean I just met him so it wasn't that deep but I really did dig him.
Anyway, on friday I called up the Core Guy again, to make sunday happen. He was still in. I had sent a message to BFM saying I'm okay with just fucking then, if he's not interested, he's not interested. He even said, I can get a boyfriend and all. That was like a complete buzzkill for me cause that shows he's not into me at all.
Anyway, he didn't reply to my text and I really did cool down. I had told him to contact me when he...basically wants to get laid.
So I fell ill on friday night. Couldn't do sunday. We rescheduled the date for the next weekend. I flat out asked him what he was after, like sex or what. He said he is interested in me but doesn't wanna rush things. Okay, cool. He's a nice guy aswell.
So this week, BFM, contacted me. Said, I can let him know when I wanna meet up too. I did last week and he didn't really want to so... okay.
And I told him I was sick. I probably fell ill cause we slept together on thrusday night and it was so incredibly hot and I asked him to open the window. I was sleeping on the window side, sweaty, on top of the covers. I also told him I was gonna meet someone else but fell ill.
Then he tells me he felt jealous about it.
I told him I still very much want a relationship and if it's not happening with him then cool, but I will keep looking.
So basically, what I gather from this.... he is still very much into his ex and is making me the substitute. He like tries to have what he wants to have with her but doesn't really want me at all. And I let it happen cause what I really want is a relationship and when I'm with him I'm how I am in a relationship, eventhough I know now things won't work out.
It's super confusing to me cause when I have sex...people, men, we just get together, fuck and part ways. But he wants to kiss and cuddle and talk and go to places and be lovey dovey.
And the crappy thing is, we could just fuck but he can't. Perform. He has to stop and I can see him being physically disturbed. He told me he can't cause he has his ex in his mind.
Fuck! It's a bit too messed up and creepy for me. But he is such a great guy though. He just needs the girl out of his head or get back together with her.
Ughhhhh. I'm just not a superwoman who can make him forget about her. They broke up in december last year...it's august already.
Anyway, I have my mind set on the Core Guy for now. Cause he's actually interested in me. Eventhough I might go over to BFM's house this week and we might go to an event this weekend.
I dunno if any of the previous text made sense. I'm just so... well this week I've been so whatever about everything cause I'm actually sick. Didn't want to go in to work yesterday but my supervisor made me. I have an idiotic contract.
Yeah so I asked my mum to come and help me at work. She did and stayed the night. lol she actually bought the doctor's mask to wear around me cause she didn't wanna fall ill.
Oh yeah and on monday I got a call from the police. A woman said they think they found my bike. Went in on tuesday to ascertain the bike. It was mine! So the story with this is, on the 6th of august, it was stolen. And on the 17th some man had stolen somebody's wallet and the police started chasing him. The dude was escaping on a bike. At some point he man dropped the bike and the wallet and ran off. The wallet person got their stuff back. And my bike was identified! Holy crap! What are the chances!? It's at my mum's man's workplace right now. He will bring it over to me tomorrow. I have two bikes now. And two rides.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
the second fucking time in my life
So friday was shit. I didn't get the guy I wanted, then I found out some shitty things about my job and contract, and I found more new bikes that were a ton cheaper than my very old used bike I recently bought, and I started my periods and felt like crap AND I fell ill.
The guy thing is whatever, I'm over it. The bad thing is, I was supposed to meet with the Core Guy but now that I'm ill I won't be. We talked and he doesn't wanna catch anything.
The job thing I haven't investigated further cause I feel too shitty.
The period thing is kinda good cause I thought they were properly fucked up cause I was spotting for 4 days. Doesn't happen to me. Didn't think I was gonna properly bleed, good thing I did. But it made the fucking day ten times worse.
Yeah and it's the second fucking time in my life that I'm sick during summer. Well the thing is, the weather is so fucking hot and humid that you have to wear as little clothes as possible, otherwise you'll die of heat. But the fucking wind is cold. So now I have a sore thorat and a runny nose. Hopefully I won't fall ill properly, with fever and shit.
Yeah...I just feel like shit.
The guy thing is whatever, I'm over it. The bad thing is, I was supposed to meet with the Core Guy but now that I'm ill I won't be. We talked and he doesn't wanna catch anything.
The job thing I haven't investigated further cause I feel too shitty.
The period thing is kinda good cause I thought they were properly fucked up cause I was spotting for 4 days. Doesn't happen to me. Didn't think I was gonna properly bleed, good thing I did. But it made the fucking day ten times worse.
Yeah and it's the second fucking time in my life that I'm sick during summer. Well the thing is, the weather is so fucking hot and humid that you have to wear as little clothes as possible, otherwise you'll die of heat. But the fucking wind is cold. So now I have a sore thorat and a runny nose. Hopefully I won't fall ill properly, with fever and shit.
Yeah...I just feel like shit.
Friday, August 18, 2017
BFM and Core guy vol.2
Okay. Shit happened.
First, I have no fucking clue what the fuck is going on with my period. I've been just spotting since tuesday. I don't spot, I full on bleed. And I've been spotting for 4 days now. Not normal for me. I hope I didn't fall pregnant on sunday when the condom came off. That would suck cause BFM is not interested in me. Unfortunately.
Yeah we had a lovely evening last night. Lovey-dovey. And we talked today morning before he went to work and he just wants to be friends who fuck. Okay, that is not friendship. And he just admitted, he's not over his ex, he's lonely and horney. So, technically I'm a rebound.
I have a choice not to see him again but I probably will. Cause I want company and lovey dovey sex aswell, just not to "fill the gap" of some sort but to have a life partner who to make life plans with. Fuck it, it'll be temporary then. He's too fucking nice to let go though. What the hell was his ex thinking breaking up with him!? Bitch, you have this amazing guy after you and you let him go!? I would fucking marry the guy today!
I dunno how his sex idea would work though cause he literally can't perform properly with me cause he has his ex in his mind while we're at it.
Oh and I cancelled the Core Guy for him on sunday. Luckily I could reschedule it with him again. So that's good :)
Right now,, I don't care so much about guys as my periods though. Fuck! I hope I start bleeding normally. With cramps and shitty wellbeing and all.
Yeah and dunno if I mentioned it but I had the odd cleaning job yesterday. Was fine, they were happy with my cleaning. And I'll be leaving for a job interview today soon. Another cleaning company.
First, I have no fucking clue what the fuck is going on with my period. I've been just spotting since tuesday. I don't spot, I full on bleed. And I've been spotting for 4 days now. Not normal for me. I hope I didn't fall pregnant on sunday when the condom came off. That would suck cause BFM is not interested in me. Unfortunately.
Yeah we had a lovely evening last night. Lovey-dovey. And we talked today morning before he went to work and he just wants to be friends who fuck. Okay, that is not friendship. And he just admitted, he's not over his ex, he's lonely and horney. So, technically I'm a rebound.
I have a choice not to see him again but I probably will. Cause I want company and lovey dovey sex aswell, just not to "fill the gap" of some sort but to have a life partner who to make life plans with. Fuck it, it'll be temporary then. He's too fucking nice to let go though. What the hell was his ex thinking breaking up with him!? Bitch, you have this amazing guy after you and you let him go!? I would fucking marry the guy today!
I dunno how his sex idea would work though cause he literally can't perform properly with me cause he has his ex in his mind while we're at it.
Oh and I cancelled the Core Guy for him on sunday. Luckily I could reschedule it with him again. So that's good :)
Right now,, I don't care so much about guys as my periods though. Fuck! I hope I start bleeding normally. With cramps and shitty wellbeing and all.
Yeah and dunno if I mentioned it but I had the odd cleaning job yesterday. Was fine, they were happy with my cleaning. And I'll be leaving for a job interview today soon. Another cleaning company.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
he trusts me
Okay, the crappiness was PMS. So my health should be fine.
So the BFM told me on monday he didn't wanna meet everyday cause then we'll run out of things to talk about. I texted him saying we could meet up for like 5 mins or something just to kiss and cuddle and I hope he's as into me as I am into him. He ignored that so I thought it was his way of saying he's not interested.
Left him alone on tuesday and didn't hear from him. I was sure we were done. I was like sad, mad and disappointed and shit and then indifferent. But also, I started my periods yesterday/today.
Yeah I thought all hope was gone and he was just after sex.
And then fucking tonight! He messaged me on the dating website we met at inviting me to spend the night at his place tomorrow, worrying he was too forward. Bitch, I love it! :D I told him though that I was on my period, that maybe he didn't wanna meet up then. He said he still wants to!
So we talked and I'm gonna go over straight after work. I told him I'd look and feel manky and he said we've seen each other naked and shit so I shouldn't be embarrassed and stuff. :D I'll try to put on some mascara before work at least.
Ugh, I hope I won't get anxiety at his place and that we'll have a nice evening. Oh and he has to get up at like 6am and he said he'll give me his key and I can sleep in. :D Aw, he trusts me!
Also since the BFM showed clear interest I wanna cancel the Core guy on saturday. I feel like I'm cheating already.
So the BFM told me on monday he didn't wanna meet everyday cause then we'll run out of things to talk about. I texted him saying we could meet up for like 5 mins or something just to kiss and cuddle and I hope he's as into me as I am into him. He ignored that so I thought it was his way of saying he's not interested.
Left him alone on tuesday and didn't hear from him. I was sure we were done. I was like sad, mad and disappointed and shit and then indifferent. But also, I started my periods yesterday/today.
Yeah I thought all hope was gone and he was just after sex.
And then fucking tonight! He messaged me on the dating website we met at inviting me to spend the night at his place tomorrow, worrying he was too forward. Bitch, I love it! :D I told him though that I was on my period, that maybe he didn't wanna meet up then. He said he still wants to!
So we talked and I'm gonna go over straight after work. I told him I'd look and feel manky and he said we've seen each other naked and shit so I shouldn't be embarrassed and stuff. :D I'll try to put on some mascara before work at least.
Ugh, I hope I won't get anxiety at his place and that we'll have a nice evening. Oh and he has to get up at like 6am and he said he'll give me his key and I can sleep in. :D Aw, he trusts me!
Also since the BFM showed clear interest I wanna cancel the Core guy on saturday. I feel like I'm cheating already.
Monday, August 14, 2017
BFM and Core guy
So yeah I went to the gyno on friday.
No diagnosis or anything yet. My uterla lining was too thick to see it properly. Have to go in on the 25th, hopefully with my periods behind me by that time. You know cause the uterus sheds the lining during period and then they'll see it better. Nothing looked wrong though as much as she could see. She said she couldn't see any cysts. She did take swab tests which results I will receive on the 4th of september! If I have some sort of an inflammation then I just have to suffer til then.
I've been feeling really crappy the past few days. Hvae some weird pains in my lower abdomen. I dunno if it's my uterus or intestines. The spotting has luckily stopped.
I feel so icky today, couldn't sleep at night cause my stomach felt so bad. Like crazy hunger pains. Even now when I've already eaten. Maybe it's the next stage of olanzapine withdrawal. Who the fuck knows! Maybe it's pms.
Well, as far as dudes go... the BFM (boyfriend material) hasn't contacted me yet. He's at work so... hopefully he will himself in the evening. I want him to initiate shit and show interest.
But another guy who I met up with a couple of weeks ago or so wants to meet up next weekend. We should be watching The Core. If the BFM makes it very obvious during the week he's very into me, I'll cancel the Core guy.
No diagnosis or anything yet. My uterla lining was too thick to see it properly. Have to go in on the 25th, hopefully with my periods behind me by that time. You know cause the uterus sheds the lining during period and then they'll see it better. Nothing looked wrong though as much as she could see. She said she couldn't see any cysts. She did take swab tests which results I will receive on the 4th of september! If I have some sort of an inflammation then I just have to suffer til then.
I've been feeling really crappy the past few days. Hvae some weird pains in my lower abdomen. I dunno if it's my uterus or intestines. The spotting has luckily stopped.
I feel so icky today, couldn't sleep at night cause my stomach felt so bad. Like crazy hunger pains. Even now when I've already eaten. Maybe it's the next stage of olanzapine withdrawal. Who the fuck knows! Maybe it's pms.
Well, as far as dudes go... the BFM (boyfriend material) hasn't contacted me yet. He's at work so... hopefully he will himself in the evening. I want him to initiate shit and show interest.
But another guy who I met up with a couple of weeks ago or so wants to meet up next weekend. We should be watching The Core. If the BFM makes it very obvious during the week he's very into me, I'll cancel the Core guy.
Back to the days of regular pregnancy tests I guess
Yay! This bitch got laid. For the first time in years. Um, in 2014 I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't sleep outside of a relationship and I have been keeping it. Til now, sort of. I'm not in a relationship but the guy is not a one night stander.
And he was so nice I just wanted to do it with him. Also, I was scared he'd find someone else to talk to and I wouldn't even get the chance. Kinda like... keeping the guy interested with sex. Lame and insecure I know but he is a nice man and you don't come acorss those that often. So I panicked and wanted to get close to him and thought if I waited to get close to him emotionally first he might lose the interest. I dunno, I'm desperate okay! :D I've been single for like 7 or 8 years and I wanna be done with it! I want a man!
The shitty thing is, the fucking condom came off. And it stayed inside of me!!!! I thought I was gonna have to go to the doctor to get it out but luckily he did it.
Fuck, I just hope I won't fall pregnant cause we were going at it before I realized it had come off. Ugh. Back to the days of regular pregnancy tests I guess.
And then we like cuddled and shit. Was nice. Would like to keep doing it. I wanna like cuddle and watch a film together. Waah!I hope he's interested and attracted enough :(
I dunno if he is though cause he doesn't text me much or talk to me much on the interent, although we do chat quite a bit when we're together in person. Okay I can't talk that much about him on my blog cause he said he doesn't have FB and some other social media sites cause he doesn't like to share his life online. So I hope there's gonna be a lot of stuff in my life with him that I won't be talking about :)
And he was so nice I just wanted to do it with him. Also, I was scared he'd find someone else to talk to and I wouldn't even get the chance. Kinda like... keeping the guy interested with sex. Lame and insecure I know but he is a nice man and you don't come acorss those that often. So I panicked and wanted to get close to him and thought if I waited to get close to him emotionally first he might lose the interest. I dunno, I'm desperate okay! :D I've been single for like 7 or 8 years and I wanna be done with it! I want a man!
The shitty thing is, the fucking condom came off. And it stayed inside of me!!!! I thought I was gonna have to go to the doctor to get it out but luckily he did it.
Fuck, I just hope I won't fall pregnant cause we were going at it before I realized it had come off. Ugh. Back to the days of regular pregnancy tests I guess.
And then we like cuddled and shit. Was nice. Would like to keep doing it. I wanna like cuddle and watch a film together. Waah!I hope he's interested and attracted enough :(
I dunno if he is though cause he doesn't text me much or talk to me much on the interent, although we do chat quite a bit when we're together in person. Okay I can't talk that much about him on my blog cause he said he doesn't have FB and some other social media sites cause he doesn't like to share his life online. So I hope there's gonna be a lot of stuff in my life with him that I won't be talking about :)
Sunday, August 13, 2017
Such boyfriend material
Okay, I met up with this cute and super nice guy. He said he'd want to meet again but... I'm afraid we won't. Ugh. He seems so so so good though. Such boyfriend material.
Friday, August 11, 2017
Bitch, what did I say some time ago?
Omg, I just read that Olanzapine can cause lactation. Bitch, what did I say some time ago? Like in winter or some winters ago? I was lactating! I don't think I ever figured out why at the time.
I was just googling the pill to find out why it may cause spotting. Didn't find that but I will most definitely be mentioning the lactation to the gyno tomorrow :)
I was just googling the pill to find out why it may cause spotting. Didn't find that but I will most definitely be mentioning the lactation to the gyno tomorrow :)
We shared the love of smoothies
So I had a date with this guy called Kristoffer today. He was a film
director-musician-actor-volunteer-free spirit-globe trotter-type of a
dude.
We shared the love of smoothies. Also, he was short, skinny and dark haired. Nice too.
We went and sat by the river in town, in the sun (I got a tan!). He played/sang me some songs on his guitar. then he gave me a massage and cuddled me, on the grass.
Then we went back to my place and made smoothies and ate some food we had bought from the shop. He's a vegetarian. I put milk in the smoothie. He didn't mind luckily.
He asked if I wanted to kiss and I said no lol. Kissing's way too intimate on a first date.
And for some reason I wasn't fully feeling him. Like, there was nothing to dislike but I didn't feel the proper attraction. Yet, anyway.
Oh and he is not a local. He's from Tallinn.
Yeah and then I'm supposed to meet another guy at the weekend. Will see if it happens or not.
And... I have gyno appointment tomorrow. Been putting off shaving til tomorrow :D
We shared the love of smoothies. Also, he was short, skinny and dark haired. Nice too.
We went and sat by the river in town, in the sun (I got a tan!). He played/sang me some songs on his guitar. then he gave me a massage and cuddled me, on the grass.
Then we went back to my place and made smoothies and ate some food we had bought from the shop. He's a vegetarian. I put milk in the smoothie. He didn't mind luckily.
He asked if I wanted to kiss and I said no lol. Kissing's way too intimate on a first date.
And for some reason I wasn't fully feeling him. Like, there was nothing to dislike but I didn't feel the proper attraction. Yet, anyway.
Oh and he is not a local. He's from Tallinn.
Yeah and then I'm supposed to meet another guy at the weekend. Will see if it happens or not.
And... I have gyno appointment tomorrow. Been putting off shaving til tomorrow :D
Thursday, August 10, 2017
the new guy
I bought this at a used bikes shop for 190 euros. Then the next day I went to another bike shop and saw brand new ones for cheaper. Fuck!
Oh well.
Oh and when I went home from the bike shop on this new one, when I got home the tire was almost flat. Went back to the shop next day. There was some tiny shitty ass thorn in it. Fuck!
I hope there won't be any more financial surprises in the decreasing manner.
Oh and can't remember if I mentioned but I had a chance to get a really good job but I didn't get it. Would have loved itbut whatever. I will keep looking :) 700 would have been too much. I mean, I can't get lucky, god forbid!
Oh yeah and on friday I will be going to a gyno cause I've been spotting for about a week now, probably longer. It's definitely cause of going off olanzapine but wanna make sure there isn't anything totally wrong with me cause of it.
Oh and I will be going to my GP next wednesday aswell. I think I'm either allergic to something or have some sort of a fungus. The tops of my feet and the backs of my hands get mad itchy. I have no hives, no redness, no swelling, just perfect normal skin that just starts itching.And when I scratch it gets worse. I only stop til I've broken the skin. Ugh.
Monday, August 07, 2017
Are we back here again!?
Okay, I got a new bike. A pic later.
So yesterday when I was talking to my "building man" about the robbery he said, "I can't talk in estonian with you can I? You have an accent". Bitch!? Are we back here again!? Can people stop saying I have an accent when I don't!? I only speak estonian everyday.
And today again... I sent a letter to the police with the picture of my bike and some more details I remembered about it. They sent a letter back saying I didn't give enough information. Um, yeah the report was already done, I have no clue why they didn't like check their system or something. Anyway, that wasn't important. What annoyed me was they sent the fucking email in russian! Bitches!?!? I'm fucking estonian okay!?!? I didn't even understand most the email they sent me back but I got the point of it. Fuck! I know I have a russian name but I fucking sent you an email in normal correct estonian and you send me back this shit!? Fuck!
So yesterday when I was talking to my "building man" about the robbery he said, "I can't talk in estonian with you can I? You have an accent". Bitch!? Are we back here again!? Can people stop saying I have an accent when I don't!? I only speak estonian everyday.
And today again... I sent a letter to the police with the picture of my bike and some more details I remembered about it. They sent a letter back saying I didn't give enough information. Um, yeah the report was already done, I have no clue why they didn't like check their system or something. Anyway, that wasn't important. What annoyed me was they sent the fucking email in russian! Bitches!?!? I'm fucking estonian okay!?!? I didn't even understand most the email they sent me back but I got the point of it. Fuck! I know I have a russian name but I fucking sent you an email in normal correct estonian and you send me back this shit!? Fuck!
Baby, just break down!
Okay, my heart aches a little for my bike. I hope its chain drags out, I hope the gears completely stop working, I hope the break pads keep going against the wheels so it's annoying to ride, I hope the fucking wires go loose and they won't be able to break or change gears at all, I hope the saddle falls apart. Baby, just break down! Don't serve those cunts!
Sunday, August 06, 2017
Bye boo!
Oh fuck. I just love how everything gets fucked when you're actually happy, content and satisfied. As I said a few posts ago, I was very happy with the new place. I never even like have been hyper about moving here cause I knew I liked this place and if I got overly happy shit would go to shit. And as per usual, I admitted that I'm happy and things did turn to shit.
Some magnificent fucktard stole my bike.
This baby is no more.
I kept the bike in the...like general hall, not inside my apartment. It wasn't attached to anything but was locked. Through the spokes and the frame thingy. But I guess someone picked it up and took it away.
Well, I asked my mum's man for 200 euros to buy a new one tomorrow. Mum has to come to my place cause I can't fucking walk anywhere!
I just need a yoke to get me to work, town, doctors and shops. And I will be hauling the new fucker up to the 7th floor into my apartment every fucking day to keep it away from all the shitty cunts.
And like there's a bike in the hall that's not like even locked. And another that is locked. Like, why steal mine!? The building manager or whatever person thought too that it was weird someone would steal an old bike. And mum and her man were like who the fuck wants that old barely working thing.
I don't fucking know! Most likely some retarded fucking cunt.
Fuck! And my cute little bell is gone and the new lock and all. Fuck!
I did call the police aswell and filed a report. They won't be able to catch anyone but maybe it's found somewhere. And I'll be looking at bike selling websites just in case.
Bye boo!
Some magnificent fucktard stole my bike.
I kept the bike in the...like general hall, not inside my apartment. It wasn't attached to anything but was locked. Through the spokes and the frame thingy. But I guess someone picked it up and took it away.
Well, I asked my mum's man for 200 euros to buy a new one tomorrow. Mum has to come to my place cause I can't fucking walk anywhere!
I just need a yoke to get me to work, town, doctors and shops. And I will be hauling the new fucker up to the 7th floor into my apartment every fucking day to keep it away from all the shitty cunts.
And like there's a bike in the hall that's not like even locked. And another that is locked. Like, why steal mine!? The building manager or whatever person thought too that it was weird someone would steal an old bike. And mum and her man were like who the fuck wants that old barely working thing.
I don't fucking know! Most likely some retarded fucking cunt.
Fuck! And my cute little bell is gone and the new lock and all. Fuck!
I did call the police aswell and filed a report. They won't be able to catch anyone but maybe it's found somewhere. And I'll be looking at bike selling websites just in case.
Bye boo!
we're obviously related
On friday, mum stayed the night at my new place. Was fun.
Bought some stuff online again. Think it was just a hoodie for me.
Yeah and then today dad and his wife came over:
For some reason she really liked hte balcony. The view not so much. I agree though.
We talked about me and dad have big bellies, I said I was obviously his daughter. Then we talked about how tan he is and how pale I am, I said I'm not his daughter. Then when he sent me this pic he said his hair looks really messy, that he should've combed it. And when we were taking pics I was complaining about how my hair was dirty. I literally called them before they arrived to see how far they were to see if I have time to shower and they said they were already in town. Oh well. I said, about the hair business, we're obviously related lol
This I took with my dad's wife's phone. There were so many different little holes or buttons on the screen, I wasn't sure which one was the camera. So I can't tell if I am looking at the camera or not.
Ahh was so nice.
Bought some stuff online again. Think it was just a hoodie for me.
Yeah and then today dad and his wife came over:
Ahh was so nice.
Friday, August 04, 2017
it's a dorm
So I went to see my therapist today. Looked at job offers together. Found one, sent a CV straight away. And got a call a few minutes later to go there...I guess for an interview or something.
It's a janitor position but full time and for 700 euros. Like what!? And the woman said only kitchens and bathrooms need to be cleaned. Oh it's a dorm.
No toilets or hallways.
It's a 5 storey building, with 2 bathrooms and 1 kitchen on each floor. And they're looking for two janitors. For some reason the length of the workday is supposed to be 9 hours but like...What are you gonna clean there for that long?
She said the current workers work for 6 hours and do everything - kitchens, bathrooms, toilets, hallways. So why the fuck would you need 9 hours for less things to clean?
She said they were not happy with the current workers as they didn't make the rooms clean enough, that they were struggling with time and to get everything done. And apparently their pay wasn't too motivating. The workers so far have been a cleaning company workers. Now they're looking for their own, that's why they wanna pay this much. They want really good janitors who keep stuff clean.
I really liked it there. And the pay is good. I hope i will get it and that I can handle it, anxiety/health wise and also everything else wise aswell. Should find out on monday if I got the job or not.
Yeah and then I shattered my phone at work:
It seems it's just the toppest screen.The phone itself seems to work fine and I can see enough. Thank goodness I had the case around it. The kicker is, the afterpayments for the phone end in February next year. Will have to go and see if I can get a new screen.
And then on my way home from work my bike tyre broke. Well, it went completely flat. Ughhh. Have to go sort that one out tomorrow, no doubt.
It's a janitor position but full time and for 700 euros. Like what!? And the woman said only kitchens and bathrooms need to be cleaned. Oh it's a dorm.
No toilets or hallways.
It's a 5 storey building, with 2 bathrooms and 1 kitchen on each floor. And they're looking for two janitors. For some reason the length of the workday is supposed to be 9 hours but like...What are you gonna clean there for that long?
She said the current workers work for 6 hours and do everything - kitchens, bathrooms, toilets, hallways. So why the fuck would you need 9 hours for less things to clean?
She said they were not happy with the current workers as they didn't make the rooms clean enough, that they were struggling with time and to get everything done. And apparently their pay wasn't too motivating. The workers so far have been a cleaning company workers. Now they're looking for their own, that's why they wanna pay this much. They want really good janitors who keep stuff clean.
I really liked it there. And the pay is good. I hope i will get it and that I can handle it, anxiety/health wise and also everything else wise aswell. Should find out on monday if I got the job or not.
Yeah and then I shattered my phone at work:
And then on my way home from work my bike tyre broke. Well, it went completely flat. Ughhh. Have to go sort that one out tomorrow, no doubt.
Thursday, August 03, 2017
so far
Okay, I don't wanna fucking jinx it but so far the new place has been really good. Sooo much better than my last place.
I have a feeling though that I might be struggling to pay the rent. I am actively looking at new or extra places to work at. I even went to a place. It's like old folks home or something. To be a janitor. They also offered me a carer position lol But I turned everything down. Cause of mum. She said don't og, people are sick and die there, it's basically like a hospital. I think I might have tried it The work would have ended at 4pm and I would have made it to my current workplace in time for 6pm. But the problem was I was gonna be a "replacement janitor". As in if some other janitor goes on a vacation I would have been the subsitute. Like, I'd have work all the time but if someone went away I'd replace them. Meaning I'd have to work all over the place in the building. That doesn't sit right with me. I need my tiny area to clean. I need stability and routine.
Will keep looking.
I have a feeling though that I might be struggling to pay the rent. I am actively looking at new or extra places to work at. I even went to a place. It's like old folks home or something. To be a janitor. They also offered me a carer position lol But I turned everything down. Cause of mum. She said don't og, people are sick and die there, it's basically like a hospital. I think I might have tried it The work would have ended at 4pm and I would have made it to my current workplace in time for 6pm. But the problem was I was gonna be a "replacement janitor". As in if some other janitor goes on a vacation I would have been the subsitute. Like, I'd have work all the time but if someone went away I'd replace them. Meaning I'd have to work all over the place in the building. That doesn't sit right with me. I need my tiny area to clean. I need stability and routine.
Will keep looking.
Tuesday, August 01, 2017
I wanna cuddle
I saw a cute guy today while riding home from work on my bicycle. When I went past him I was like, "Shit, I wanna turn around and see him, talk to him, do him, etc". And then thought, "Too bad I look like a troll, he'd never look at someone like me". Then I realised he did look at me, but not like look look but like "Hey look, there's a troll on a bicycle".
Yeah I'd like to get closer to the dude I met on sunday though. We talked a little. Found out we noth like sci fi and comedy films. Said my fave was The Core. He said he has never seen it and I said we can watch it together sometime if he wants to and he said, "jep, why not
". Hopefully next weekend then. I wanna cuddle. Shit, I think it's the 8th single year running already for me.
Yeah I'd like to get closer to the dude I met on sunday though. We talked a little. Found out we noth like sci fi and comedy films. Said my fave was The Core. He said he has never seen it and I said we can watch it together sometime if he wants to and he said, "jep, why not
". Hopefully next weekend then. I wanna cuddle. Shit, I think it's the 8th single year running already for me.
Sunday, July 30, 2017
Used it
Oh my goodness. I feel so poorly. I actually have sort of a headache. Couldn't sleep last night. Tried to take a nap just now, woke up feeling worse.
Have little problems eating, gagging and throat locks. Get anxiety in shops a little. Can't sleep long or well. Feel sick in general and in pain (abdomen and head). Oh and I have itchy hands.
Oh the funs of a pill withdrawal.
I'm pretty sure I could handle being off the pill cause my health is a lot better but the withdrawal period is super hard to overcome.
Just had to take more Olanzapine. Last time I took a pill was last sunday. Can't go over a week wihout it.
Yeah, also met the guy I was supposed to meet. First time since I dunno when. What, January?
He was super nice. I hope he liked me too. I could really be with someone like him. Like... I was gonna say in a relationship but I'm not gonna be desperate and say I could just spend time with him some more. :)
Like I had super anxiety when meeting up with him but I took loadsa Valium so I calmed down eventually. Oh and I also broke out the mascara my mum had bought me months ago for the first time. Used it. It was all nice, nothing lovey dovey yet or anything sexual so yay! Hopefully he wants to meet up again. He said we should but he jsut could've been polite.
Yeah, I'd hype more about it but I feel too sick. Shit, might even take a painkiller for the head.
Have little problems eating, gagging and throat locks. Get anxiety in shops a little. Can't sleep long or well. Feel sick in general and in pain (abdomen and head). Oh and I have itchy hands.
Oh the funs of a pill withdrawal.
I'm pretty sure I could handle being off the pill cause my health is a lot better but the withdrawal period is super hard to overcome.
Just had to take more Olanzapine. Last time I took a pill was last sunday. Can't go over a week wihout it.
Yeah, also met the guy I was supposed to meet. First time since I dunno when. What, January?
He was super nice. I hope he liked me too. I could really be with someone like him. Like... I was gonna say in a relationship but I'm not gonna be desperate and say I could just spend time with him some more. :)
Like I had super anxiety when meeting up with him but I took loadsa Valium so I calmed down eventually. Oh and I also broke out the mascara my mum had bought me months ago for the first time. Used it. It was all nice, nothing lovey dovey yet or anything sexual so yay! Hopefully he wants to meet up again. He said we should but he jsut could've been polite.
Yeah, I'd hype more about it but I feel too sick. Shit, might even take a painkiller for the head.
Saturday, July 29, 2017
Might get confusing
Okay so I'm pretty much off olanzapine. Been having no appetite whatsoever. But not feeling sick. This appetite thing was kinda expected so I'm not freaking out.
Last night though... I had the gagging/locked throat experience again after years of not having this symptom. I haven't eaten today yet but shit! I hope I won't have that symptom for life again. I guess I can almost deal with it for a short period of withdrawal but not for ever and ever again. A little worried.
Also, I might be seeing a guy on sunday. He's names Lauri lol. Same as my bro.
So if I start going out with him it'll be Lauri and Diana and my borther's Lauri and his girl's Jaana :D
Might get confusing in familial context and situations. Yeah I'm supposed to go over to his place to play xbox or something :D I know I'm 31 but I still think an xbox date is better than sex date. I think he's 23.
Last night though... I had the gagging/locked throat experience again after years of not having this symptom. I haven't eaten today yet but shit! I hope I won't have that symptom for life again. I guess I can almost deal with it for a short period of withdrawal but not for ever and ever again. A little worried.
Also, I might be seeing a guy on sunday. He's names Lauri lol. Same as my bro.
So if I start going out with him it'll be Lauri and Diana and my borther's Lauri and his girl's Jaana :D
Might get confusing in familial context and situations. Yeah I'm supposed to go over to his place to play xbox or something :D I know I'm 31 but I still think an xbox date is better than sex date. I think he's 23.
Monday, July 24, 2017
just in case
Okay, things got a little shitty last night. I took olanzapine just in case. I feel super woozy and weak today. I hope I'll last at work.
Like I took all kinds of pills last night and none of them seemed to work so I dunno now what to take to be able to work normally.
I might take a quick nap before work now.
Like I took all kinds of pills last night and none of them seemed to work so I dunno now what to take to be able to work normally.
I might take a quick nap before work now.
Sunday, July 23, 2017
I have anxiety
Waah, I have anxiety. Like when I went to the Hessburger restaurant yesterday I thought I was gonna have to run out cause my anxiety got so bad I could hardly speak or move.
And then today it's been shitty too. The whole day. Maybe it's cause of my periods, which I'm hoping it is, but maybe it's cause of Olanzapine. I took the last pill on the 15th of July. But concidering I woke up with cramps today and had them throughout the day I'm very much hoping it's all period business.
And then today it's been shitty too. The whole day. Maybe it's cause of my periods, which I'm hoping it is, but maybe it's cause of Olanzapine. I took the last pill on the 15th of July. But concidering I woke up with cramps today and had them throughout the day I'm very much hoping it's all period business.
Must be the codeine
Had the worst wake up call this morning. Woke up to insane cramps. Think I've had this only once before in my life. It's my second day of periods so wtf!?
Took Dolmen (Dexketoprofen). And no lie, my pain was gone in 7 mintues! Holy crap. Best painkiller ever! Must be the codeine in it.
Back in the day when I had the nerve aches in my head and I had to take this pill, it was a prescription drug. Now it's over the counter.
Took Dolmen (Dexketoprofen). And no lie, my pain was gone in 7 mintues! Holy crap. Best painkiller ever! Must be the codeine in it.
Back in the day when I had the nerve aches in my head and I had to take this pill, it was a prescription drug. Now it's over the counter.
summer dress
Today, well techincally yesterday, was the first day this year I went out in a summer dress. I felt super weird and out of place cause this summer has been weird. Coming back home from town I was freezing.
Friday, July 21, 2017
officially quitting
Also today I'm supposed to take olanzapine but I'm officially quitting. Hopefully for good. I won't rejoice just yet, will see if I get any bad withdrawal effects. I don't think so cause I've been weening off for a year now but will see.
You can't just be there to be there, you gotta do the work aswell
Okay, today was the first day of work this week. My supervisor actually let me off work for three days cause I was on antibiotics.
Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but still felt very very woozy, like about to pass out or fall over. Obviously nauseated but it was actually manageable. Not as sickly as the last time years ago.
So yeah, today I worked. Man, I love my job! No fucking jinx okay!?
I felt so happy and energetic today when working. The accountant in the shop kinda implied that my substitute wasn't that good.
And I could see this myself. I feel like if no one had cleaned the place when I was gone it would have been cleaner lol
Jesus fuck! The carpet in the "customers' lounge" was a fucking mess!!! There were two fresh horribly big and wide and long stains. Like, how in the world my substitute and the girl during the day can just walk by and clean them!?
One stain was a coffee stain which I hope came out better than the other which was of this blueberry drink. That blueberry does not come out!
I think I'll have to scrub some more tomorrow.
The tables were dusty and the floors had dustbunnies. Like, what did the substitute do? Thanks for covering for me but like...? You can't just be there to be there, you gotta do the work aswell.
But my supervisor had warned me and told me stories about substitutes not really cleaning anything. Wow!
Somehow I managed to get out around 9.20pm or so.
Oh yeah and I wanna register my laptop finally cause I think one of it's ventilators was making weird noises. And I think I can't do the warranty thing if I haven't registered it.
I need a pic of the invoice for it. Mum has it on paper. Been dealing with it for a couple of days.
Long story short, mum doesn't know how to send pics, on phone or internet. She just had to find the invoice and get my brother to take the pic.
I called him yesterday asked him to take a nice clear shot of the invoice. That's it.
Today mum sent me message "done".
Rang her and she started going on about how my brother got both pics, of the invoice and the cup.
The cup?
Mum was like yeah, he said you wanted a pic of a cup so I got the one you gave me for birthday thinking you wanna show it off to someone.
And I was like wtf!? What cup?
And she's like I don't know, Lauri said you wanted a pic of a cup.
So I got home from work and went on FB:
That's that then.
Also my body can't catch a break. Today's the first day I didn't take any antibiotics and I started my period lol
TS2072017
Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but still felt very very woozy, like about to pass out or fall over. Obviously nauseated but it was actually manageable. Not as sickly as the last time years ago.
So yeah, today I worked. Man, I love my job! No fucking jinx okay!?
I felt so happy and energetic today when working. The accountant in the shop kinda implied that my substitute wasn't that good.
And I could see this myself. I feel like if no one had cleaned the place when I was gone it would have been cleaner lol
Jesus fuck! The carpet in the "customers' lounge" was a fucking mess!!! There were two fresh horribly big and wide and long stains. Like, how in the world my substitute and the girl during the day can just walk by and clean them!?
One stain was a coffee stain which I hope came out better than the other which was of this blueberry drink. That blueberry does not come out!
I think I'll have to scrub some more tomorrow.
The tables were dusty and the floors had dustbunnies. Like, what did the substitute do? Thanks for covering for me but like...? You can't just be there to be there, you gotta do the work aswell.
But my supervisor had warned me and told me stories about substitutes not really cleaning anything. Wow!
Somehow I managed to get out around 9.20pm or so.
Oh yeah and I wanna register my laptop finally cause I think one of it's ventilators was making weird noises. And I think I can't do the warranty thing if I haven't registered it.
I need a pic of the invoice for it. Mum has it on paper. Been dealing with it for a couple of days.
Long story short, mum doesn't know how to send pics, on phone or internet. She just had to find the invoice and get my brother to take the pic.
I called him yesterday asked him to take a nice clear shot of the invoice. That's it.
Today mum sent me message "done".
Rang her and she started going on about how my brother got both pics, of the invoice and the cup.
The cup?
Mum was like yeah, he said you wanted a pic of a cup so I got the one you gave me for birthday thinking you wanna show it off to someone.
And I was like wtf!? What cup?
And she's like I don't know, Lauri said you wanted a pic of a cup.
So I got home from work and went on FB:
Also my body can't catch a break. Today's the first day I didn't take any antibiotics and I started my period lol
TS2072017
Saturday, July 15, 2017
is it not happening then?
Okay, I'm so confused right now.
So on tuesday I got my tooth pulled. And I had to ride my bike to the pension and healthcare offices to get the money back for the tooth. Not gonna get that.
Anyway, I think all the riding, physical activity, made my tooth really hurt and bleed. Well, not the tooth cause it was out, but the hole.
Long story short, I'm on antibiotics now. The one pill I took during the day, made me feel sick for 7 hours. And the second one I took 4 hours ago and I'm feeling nothing. Okay, at about 20 minute mark on less I felt really woozy but that was it. No nausea whatsoever.
And during the day, the first pill gave me a little bit of tummy troubles and all and major nausea.
I called my supervisor at work and said I won't be coming in for three days next week cause I have to take the pills three times a day for at least five days.
I mean if it continues how it's going now with the second pill then I don't even have to miss work. But I think tomorrow with the full three pill day I'll be dying quite a bit.
Anyway, I'm taking Amoxicillin, 500mg a dose, every 8 hours - that's 6am, 2pm and 10pm.
I was so prepared to feel sick all night tonight... is it not happening then? :D
Oh yeah and I had a long fun chat about mental illnesses and shit with the girl I live with, Johanna. She sings well. I told her she should go on one of those superstar shows. She said she's wanted to for a while but never has. And her cousin or someone said the next time there are the auditions she will drag her there. :D Would be fun to support someone I personally know :)
So on tuesday I got my tooth pulled. And I had to ride my bike to the pension and healthcare offices to get the money back for the tooth. Not gonna get that.
Anyway, I think all the riding, physical activity, made my tooth really hurt and bleed. Well, not the tooth cause it was out, but the hole.
Long story short, I'm on antibiotics now. The one pill I took during the day, made me feel sick for 7 hours. And the second one I took 4 hours ago and I'm feeling nothing. Okay, at about 20 minute mark on less I felt really woozy but that was it. No nausea whatsoever.
And during the day, the first pill gave me a little bit of tummy troubles and all and major nausea.
I called my supervisor at work and said I won't be coming in for three days next week cause I have to take the pills three times a day for at least five days.
I mean if it continues how it's going now with the second pill then I don't even have to miss work. But I think tomorrow with the full three pill day I'll be dying quite a bit.
Anyway, I'm taking Amoxicillin, 500mg a dose, every 8 hours - that's 6am, 2pm and 10pm.
I was so prepared to feel sick all night tonight... is it not happening then? :D
Oh yeah and I had a long fun chat about mental illnesses and shit with the girl I live with, Johanna. She sings well. I told her she should go on one of those superstar shows. She said she's wanted to for a while but never has. And her cousin or someone said the next time there are the auditions she will drag her there. :D Would be fun to support someone I personally know :)
Monday, July 10, 2017
Thank you!
Okay. So was on Facebook. In the anxiety group. And there was this victim-complexed, big-egoed sad little man there. In the comments under this thing:
Oh dear where do I even begin with this?
Okay, if I could have lived my life without pills - best outcome ever. But that is not the case.
I went to doctors for years! YEARS! And they couldn't give me a diagnosis. Apparently doctors like to say, "Where were you before?" and "Why are you only coming to the doctor now?".
Well, that is not the case with me. Went to doctors for years to get answers. I had no idea whatsoever about any mental illnesses. All I knew was that people can be "crazy", that's it.
I was diagnosed at 24. That was the first time on my life I was hearing about anxiety and depression. I had heard the words before but never knew what they actually mean or feel like, while actually going through them in real life.
I was so against pills. Especially cause I listened to my mum a lot and she told me not to ever go on those pills. That they're "bad" pills.
Also, I'd like to point out, it was no doctor that told me to go to a psychiatrist or seek councelling. It was my mum who told me to see a shrink cause every other doctor I'd been to kept telling me the test are fine and they can't find anything wrong with me. I was faaaaaar from feeling okay though so I obviously didn't believe them and kept going to more doctors to get answers.
So, at 24 I was diagnosed. But by that time my health had plummeted. I was not working anymore cause I felt physically too sick. Doctors had prescribed me so so so so so so many different (no antidepresants) pills, mostly for my stomach and none of them worked. Nothing made me feel better. Nothing! Cause my problems were not stomach related. It was just a symptom, the debilitating nausea. I was feeling sick constantly. Constantly, no breaks. If you go back to 2009 or 2010 on my blog you'll see how I was feeling. And that ill physical health brought on my depression. Cause I was just physically and mentally exhausted from feeling so sick all the time (not just nausea, general ill being aswell).
And all the doctors kept telling me I was fine. Cause their tests told so.
I became suicidal. Cause the doctors didn't believe me and the pills they did give me weren't helping. And I was just drained of life from the sickness. The depression only worsened my physical health, anxiety and my mood and way of thinking.
Then one time at a psychiatrist's office I told him I was done with life and had no hope left to ever get better. Why would I have hope when the docs tell me I'm fine and give me pills that make no difference?
I was desperate. When you're in that state where we can't even talk about not being able to work, socialize, do chores and the likes, when you're ina state when you can't even function on the very basic level, right there in the moment, in your body, not even in your life cause your life is completely out of the picture in that state, when you're in that state where you can't sleep, can't eat, can't think straight, can't even sit still, cannot concentrate on absolutely anything, other than the need to kill yourself cause the haywire in your body and brain are unbearable, you cling on to anything that can potentially make you feel better cause you're at a point where nothing can make you feel worse.
I was prescribed the antidepressant Mirtazapine. It completely knocked me out. For days. Weeks. But it made a little difference. At least I could sleep which I couldn't do before. It took away my nausea just a notch at times so I could eat more than before.
But my health, my immediate health, not the quality of my life - that is still out of the picture at this point, everything was still really bad.
I lived in ireland at the time and my dad kept calling me and telling em to come back home cause I "wasn't doing anything in Ireland". He meant the life - work, socializing etc. But he knew about my health.
I went back. And that was the complete breaking point to me. I hadn't been home for about three years. And with my health already this fragile, it couldn't handle all the emotions I got when I got back to Estonia. I stayed with my dad in county Viljandi while my mum lived in Tartu.
And my brain started to mess up on the first day I got in the country. I became obsessed with getting to Tartu. This whole shit-day is on my blog, around the 10th of July, 2010.
This obsession drove me literally insane, my body could not handle the emotions it was generating. My anxiety rose through the roof on the fifth day in the country.
I started getting constant severe anxiety. Not just a little "Oh I feel a little jittery." No. Severe anxiety. Severe nausea. Absolutely unable to concentrate on anything. I could not function on the basic level. I couldn not sit still even, there was no way I was able to do anything, like having a conversation or jsut being relaxed. It was not happening.
My father's family called the ambulance. And I was taken to the madhouse where I spent a month.
When I was taken to the hospital I was completely out of my mind. Not psychotic, just severely anxious. There was no way I could have tried to relax cause my brain was not working like a normal, healthy person's brain. The only thought process I had was having the thought of killing myself looping in my head cause my body was literally going haywire. I was not psychotic! I was just anxious. Severely anxious. There was no way I could have even tried to begin to start working on getting better. Without meds. I was absolutely unable to hold a conversation cause my anxiety made it impossible. All rationality was out the window. My body was working on instincts. My instinct was telling me to kill myself. Nothing else. My brain was a mush of insanity. Anxiety, not psychosis. I was well aware of everything that was happening in my surroundings but I was completely unable to engage. Later on the doctors told me when they first saw me they thought I was having a "schizophrenic episode". I was that bad but I was just having severe anxiety and wanted an out.
Now, this sad little man in the comments said, everyone is able to come out of anxiety and depression without meds. Okay, there was no way I was gonna be alive within a few weeks, maybe even days from that time. I did not have any space in my head for rational thought or the ability to receive any kind of therapy. I needed medication. Immediately. Anxiety and depression are illnesses and need to be treated according to their severity, just like any other illness.
In the hospital, I developed a fixation with how all food was plastic and shouldn't be put into body cause it makes you sick. I didn't want those thoughts. They were not rational. I knew I had to eat to survive and I wanted to eat. But my brain was making my body work against me no matter how hard I tried to eat or rationalize the importance of eating to myself. It would physically lock my throat so that I couldn't swallow. It would give me even more nausea and make me gag whenever something went down. Food was bad and it didn't belong in the body, is what my brain was telling my body. The nurses had to sit with me and count my little and few spoonfuls cause I was struggling so hard to eat.
I got out of the hospital, still on Mirtazapine. I was put on Escitalopram. To tame my anxiety.
I never felt better in hospital or when I got out. For a couple of years I struggled hard. Especially with eating. I just couldn't do it, still. My throat would lock and I had to slap myself in the face repeatedly to shock my body to unlock the throat.
Then I met my current psychiatrist. She put me on Olanzapine. And that pill saved my life! It was the first thing that I truly felt in my whole life, made an actual difference. i could eat! I've said this so many times on my blog how ignorant people say that pills like these don't make you gain weight. This pill made me gain 30+ kilos over the years. If I don't have any lifelong side effects from it or any damage then I'm doing good now, dropping most of the weight I gained. I'm going off the pill and it looks very likely I will get off of it. If not, I can maintain a very very very low dosage. Dosages like that are probably not even prescribed to patients. I had an ultrasound a while back and my liver looked fine.
My prolactine levels and white blood cell count were normal earlier thi year, so looks like no damage there either.
Oh and I quit Mirtazapine in 2015.
Now if walking in the woods would cure anxiety and depression, no one would ahve these conditions. And if the woods cured anxiety and depression they'd cure any other illness aswell. Anxiety and depression are not some abstract...things. They're actual illnesses. Physical illnesses. A walk in the woods will not balance your chemicals, it will not make your receptors work better. Just as it won't cure cancer or grow a limb to a limbless person.
This man in the comments said, he's been able to combat anxiety/depression without meds, so anyone could do it if they did it the right way.
Okay. When I was in that state when I went to the hospital, what would have been the right way to combat my anxiety? Given the fact that, I was gonna kill myself within weeks or days if there was no improvement in my wellbeing? Given the fact that there was no rational thinking? Given the fact I was completely unable to communicate in a productive way? Given the fact that I was just unable to to enagage with anything in my environment?
Also this man said he also beat cancer. Now, he said, weirdly enough, he beat it with chemo therapy. How is it okay to heal cancer with meds but not anxiety/depression? He said, he had no choice but antidepressants are a choice. Okay, so my choices were, like his, take the medicine or die suffering. Why is cancer so glorified and any mental illness completely belittled? You get so so so so many different physical symptoms with anxiety and unfortunately there is no euthanasia available if you suffer from anxiety. With cancer you will die quickly. But there is no quick way to go when you have anxiety and suicide is made very hard for people. It's definitely a lot easier to die from an illness than to take your own life cause of an unbearable illness. You kill yourself when all your energy is gone and somehow you have to find the courage to hurt yourself even more and end your life. How is that easier than cancer? Besides there are so many worse illnesses than cancer.
You can die from a papercut or a runny nose. Any illness that is severe is serious. And if you're feeling unwell you have to take care of yourself. And taking meds is one way to do it.
You don't have to suffer, it's okay to make yourself feel better and help yourself heal. With anxiety and depression, just like with any other illness.
Also, when you are as down as I was, you simply have no energy to fight the fight. That man or anyone who thinks mental illnesses are just "a bad mood" or "bad attitude" ahve clearly never been in that state, never experienced the severity of anxiety or depression.
Also, people who tell mentally ill people to just be positive... Like, I've been told I have my arms and legs, so I'm "fine". Baically to get over myself and be positive. Why don't you tell a legless person to be positive and get voer themselves and see if their leg will grow back. If it does one day, or if you can cure cancer with willpower or positivity, then you can come to me and preach about how unimportant non-existent mental illnesses are, but until then - go fuck yourself with your ignorance.
Thank you! :)
Okay, if I could have lived my life without pills - best outcome ever. But that is not the case.
I went to doctors for years! YEARS! And they couldn't give me a diagnosis. Apparently doctors like to say, "Where were you before?" and "Why are you only coming to the doctor now?".
Well, that is not the case with me. Went to doctors for years to get answers. I had no idea whatsoever about any mental illnesses. All I knew was that people can be "crazy", that's it.
I was diagnosed at 24. That was the first time on my life I was hearing about anxiety and depression. I had heard the words before but never knew what they actually mean or feel like, while actually going through them in real life.
I was so against pills. Especially cause I listened to my mum a lot and she told me not to ever go on those pills. That they're "bad" pills.
Also, I'd like to point out, it was no doctor that told me to go to a psychiatrist or seek councelling. It was my mum who told me to see a shrink cause every other doctor I'd been to kept telling me the test are fine and they can't find anything wrong with me. I was faaaaaar from feeling okay though so I obviously didn't believe them and kept going to more doctors to get answers.
So, at 24 I was diagnosed. But by that time my health had plummeted. I was not working anymore cause I felt physically too sick. Doctors had prescribed me so so so so so so many different (no antidepresants) pills, mostly for my stomach and none of them worked. Nothing made me feel better. Nothing! Cause my problems were not stomach related. It was just a symptom, the debilitating nausea. I was feeling sick constantly. Constantly, no breaks. If you go back to 2009 or 2010 on my blog you'll see how I was feeling. And that ill physical health brought on my depression. Cause I was just physically and mentally exhausted from feeling so sick all the time (not just nausea, general ill being aswell).
And all the doctors kept telling me I was fine. Cause their tests told so.
I became suicidal. Cause the doctors didn't believe me and the pills they did give me weren't helping. And I was just drained of life from the sickness. The depression only worsened my physical health, anxiety and my mood and way of thinking.
Then one time at a psychiatrist's office I told him I was done with life and had no hope left to ever get better. Why would I have hope when the docs tell me I'm fine and give me pills that make no difference?
I was desperate. When you're in that state where we can't even talk about not being able to work, socialize, do chores and the likes, when you're ina state when you can't even function on the very basic level, right there in the moment, in your body, not even in your life cause your life is completely out of the picture in that state, when you're in that state where you can't sleep, can't eat, can't think straight, can't even sit still, cannot concentrate on absolutely anything, other than the need to kill yourself cause the haywire in your body and brain are unbearable, you cling on to anything that can potentially make you feel better cause you're at a point where nothing can make you feel worse.
I was prescribed the antidepressant Mirtazapine. It completely knocked me out. For days. Weeks. But it made a little difference. At least I could sleep which I couldn't do before. It took away my nausea just a notch at times so I could eat more than before.
But my health, my immediate health, not the quality of my life - that is still out of the picture at this point, everything was still really bad.
I lived in ireland at the time and my dad kept calling me and telling em to come back home cause I "wasn't doing anything in Ireland". He meant the life - work, socializing etc. But he knew about my health.
I went back. And that was the complete breaking point to me. I hadn't been home for about three years. And with my health already this fragile, it couldn't handle all the emotions I got when I got back to Estonia. I stayed with my dad in county Viljandi while my mum lived in Tartu.
And my brain started to mess up on the first day I got in the country. I became obsessed with getting to Tartu. This whole shit-day is on my blog, around the 10th of July, 2010.
This obsession drove me literally insane, my body could not handle the emotions it was generating. My anxiety rose through the roof on the fifth day in the country.
I started getting constant severe anxiety. Not just a little "Oh I feel a little jittery." No. Severe anxiety. Severe nausea. Absolutely unable to concentrate on anything. I could not function on the basic level. I couldn not sit still even, there was no way I was able to do anything, like having a conversation or jsut being relaxed. It was not happening.
My father's family called the ambulance. And I was taken to the madhouse where I spent a month.
When I was taken to the hospital I was completely out of my mind. Not psychotic, just severely anxious. There was no way I could have tried to relax cause my brain was not working like a normal, healthy person's brain. The only thought process I had was having the thought of killing myself looping in my head cause my body was literally going haywire. I was not psychotic! I was just anxious. Severely anxious. There was no way I could have even tried to begin to start working on getting better. Without meds. I was absolutely unable to hold a conversation cause my anxiety made it impossible. All rationality was out the window. My body was working on instincts. My instinct was telling me to kill myself. Nothing else. My brain was a mush of insanity. Anxiety, not psychosis. I was well aware of everything that was happening in my surroundings but I was completely unable to engage. Later on the doctors told me when they first saw me they thought I was having a "schizophrenic episode". I was that bad but I was just having severe anxiety and wanted an out.
Now, this sad little man in the comments said, everyone is able to come out of anxiety and depression without meds. Okay, there was no way I was gonna be alive within a few weeks, maybe even days from that time. I did not have any space in my head for rational thought or the ability to receive any kind of therapy. I needed medication. Immediately. Anxiety and depression are illnesses and need to be treated according to their severity, just like any other illness.
In the hospital, I developed a fixation with how all food was plastic and shouldn't be put into body cause it makes you sick. I didn't want those thoughts. They were not rational. I knew I had to eat to survive and I wanted to eat. But my brain was making my body work against me no matter how hard I tried to eat or rationalize the importance of eating to myself. It would physically lock my throat so that I couldn't swallow. It would give me even more nausea and make me gag whenever something went down. Food was bad and it didn't belong in the body, is what my brain was telling my body. The nurses had to sit with me and count my little and few spoonfuls cause I was struggling so hard to eat.
I got out of the hospital, still on Mirtazapine. I was put on Escitalopram. To tame my anxiety.
I never felt better in hospital or when I got out. For a couple of years I struggled hard. Especially with eating. I just couldn't do it, still. My throat would lock and I had to slap myself in the face repeatedly to shock my body to unlock the throat.
Then I met my current psychiatrist. She put me on Olanzapine. And that pill saved my life! It was the first thing that I truly felt in my whole life, made an actual difference. i could eat! I've said this so many times on my blog how ignorant people say that pills like these don't make you gain weight. This pill made me gain 30+ kilos over the years. If I don't have any lifelong side effects from it or any damage then I'm doing good now, dropping most of the weight I gained. I'm going off the pill and it looks very likely I will get off of it. If not, I can maintain a very very very low dosage. Dosages like that are probably not even prescribed to patients. I had an ultrasound a while back and my liver looked fine.
My prolactine levels and white blood cell count were normal earlier thi year, so looks like no damage there either.
Oh and I quit Mirtazapine in 2015.
Now if walking in the woods would cure anxiety and depression, no one would ahve these conditions. And if the woods cured anxiety and depression they'd cure any other illness aswell. Anxiety and depression are not some abstract...things. They're actual illnesses. Physical illnesses. A walk in the woods will not balance your chemicals, it will not make your receptors work better. Just as it won't cure cancer or grow a limb to a limbless person.
This man in the comments said, he's been able to combat anxiety/depression without meds, so anyone could do it if they did it the right way.
Okay. When I was in that state when I went to the hospital, what would have been the right way to combat my anxiety? Given the fact that, I was gonna kill myself within weeks or days if there was no improvement in my wellbeing? Given the fact that there was no rational thinking? Given the fact I was completely unable to communicate in a productive way? Given the fact that I was just unable to to enagage with anything in my environment?
Also this man said he also beat cancer. Now, he said, weirdly enough, he beat it with chemo therapy. How is it okay to heal cancer with meds but not anxiety/depression? He said, he had no choice but antidepressants are a choice. Okay, so my choices were, like his, take the medicine or die suffering. Why is cancer so glorified and any mental illness completely belittled? You get so so so so many different physical symptoms with anxiety and unfortunately there is no euthanasia available if you suffer from anxiety. With cancer you will die quickly. But there is no quick way to go when you have anxiety and suicide is made very hard for people. It's definitely a lot easier to die from an illness than to take your own life cause of an unbearable illness. You kill yourself when all your energy is gone and somehow you have to find the courage to hurt yourself even more and end your life. How is that easier than cancer? Besides there are so many worse illnesses than cancer.
You can die from a papercut or a runny nose. Any illness that is severe is serious. And if you're feeling unwell you have to take care of yourself. And taking meds is one way to do it.
You don't have to suffer, it's okay to make yourself feel better and help yourself heal. With anxiety and depression, just like with any other illness.
Also, when you are as down as I was, you simply have no energy to fight the fight. That man or anyone who thinks mental illnesses are just "a bad mood" or "bad attitude" ahve clearly never been in that state, never experienced the severity of anxiety or depression.
Also, people who tell mentally ill people to just be positive... Like, I've been told I have my arms and legs, so I'm "fine". Baically to get over myself and be positive. Why don't you tell a legless person to be positive and get voer themselves and see if their leg will grow back. If it does one day, or if you can cure cancer with willpower or positivity, then you can come to me and preach about how unimportant non-existent mental illnesses are, but until then - go fuck yourself with your ignorance.
Thank you! :)
Sunday, July 09, 2017
get along fine with everybody
Oh dear. What an active weekend!
On saturday, yesterday, I went to clean up Ilme's place. And I handed over my keys. So I'm officially living at a new place now.
I went to a bunch of shops and got a new lamp. And a "mattress" for my bed. It's actually a chair pillow, but actual mattresses are super expensive so I bought this thing.
And then I went to the cemetery to do my grandparents' grave.
So right now I should be on the good list with the dead. :)
Oh yeah and I met a girl I used to be freinds with when I was a kid. She said we could get together sometimes. Exchanged phone numbers. She lives very close to me, in the same street.
Yeah and today were the Hansapäevad in Tartu. Went with the fam. My first official public appearance since I had my breakdown. Was pretty fun. Petting zoo was my fave. The "science town" could have been fun too but everything cost money so I didn't get to do much. Me and mum bought a rhubarb ice cream that was made with... nitrogen. You know, cooled down with it or something. Then I got the potato smasher and a little tiny bag for my work chip. We were even near the stage watching the dancers with loud music playing and I was fine.
And we went to a Chinese restaurant. Had spring rolls. Mum and her man had this rice and spicy chicken dish.
And bro and his girl had dumplings lol.
And today I met the dude that lives at my new place. Seemed like a nice guy. I soooo hope we'll get along fine with everybody.
On saturday, yesterday, I went to clean up Ilme's place. And I handed over my keys. So I'm officially living at a new place now.
I went to a bunch of shops and got a new lamp. And a "mattress" for my bed. It's actually a chair pillow, but actual mattresses are super expensive so I bought this thing.
And then I went to the cemetery to do my grandparents' grave.
Oh yeah and I met a girl I used to be freinds with when I was a kid. She said we could get together sometimes. Exchanged phone numbers. She lives very close to me, in the same street.
Yeah and today were the Hansapäevad in Tartu. Went with the fam. My first official public appearance since I had my breakdown. Was pretty fun. Petting zoo was my fave. The "science town" could have been fun too but everything cost money so I didn't get to do much. Me and mum bought a rhubarb ice cream that was made with... nitrogen. You know, cooled down with it or something. Then I got the potato smasher and a little tiny bag for my work chip. We were even near the stage watching the dancers with loud music playing and I was fine.
And we went to a Chinese restaurant. Had spring rolls. Mum and her man had this rice and spicy chicken dish.
And bro and his girl had dumplings lol.
And today I met the dude that lives at my new place. Seemed like a nice guy. I soooo hope we'll get along fine with everybody.
Saturday, July 08, 2017
7th of July 2017
Okay so. I moved. 7th of July 2017.
Everything went well. The moving of my things went fast and well.
I got unpacked in about an hour or so.
Fam was over after the move, had cake which I bought at 50% discount cause it was a day expired.
Then the landlord came over and installed a new lock on my door.
Thta doesn't work properly though. Like when the door is open I can lock it and get the key out. When the door is closed and I lock it I can't get the key out. Ugh. Maybe I'm just stupid.
Oh and mum brought a lamp for me. Yeah it has the weird cord end thingy that doesn't fit any of the outlets in my room. Ugh. So right now I have the ceiling light on.
Ah, and I didn't know how to run the shower so I had a bath. Was super nice. I hope nothing will go wrong here. I really get a positive feeling off this place.
Tomorrow I'll go back to Ilme's place and clean up my room a bit. It's mostly done, just a little something something.
And if I can be bothered then I'll go to the cemetery to clean up the grandparents' grave.
Everything went well. The moving of my things went fast and well.
I got unpacked in about an hour or so.
Fam was over after the move, had cake which I bought at 50% discount cause it was a day expired.
Then the landlord came over and installed a new lock on my door.
Thta doesn't work properly though. Like when the door is open I can lock it and get the key out. When the door is closed and I lock it I can't get the key out. Ugh. Maybe I'm just stupid.
Oh and mum brought a lamp for me. Yeah it has the weird cord end thingy that doesn't fit any of the outlets in my room. Ugh. So right now I have the ceiling light on.
Ah, and I didn't know how to run the shower so I had a bath. Was super nice. I hope nothing will go wrong here. I really get a positive feeling off this place.
Tomorrow I'll go back to Ilme's place and clean up my room a bit. It's mostly done, just a little something something.
And if I can be bothered then I'll go to the cemetery to clean up the grandparents' grave.
Thursday, July 06, 2017
sad
So I'm still sad about my cactus.
This made me little happier today though:
Probably broken english but yeah he noticed me. Again! And the sad thing is, I do not live in Ireland anymore and I can't see him perform.
What a sucky day it is today.
This made me little happier today though:
What a sucky day it is today.
Wednesday, July 05, 2017
felt so bad and upset
So I was just taking a nap with the window open. Was woken by two people arguing outside. My heart started pounding super fast and I felt so upset lol I had to get up. I didn't catch the whole argument but I think there was a guy in a car and a woman on a bike with her kid somewhere and they were trying to cross the road and the man in the car told her to get off the bike or something. I dunno, I felt so bad and upset.
Doesn't go unnoticed
Okay, saw I'm taking Olanzapine every 4 days now. My body's responding. Doesn't go unnoticed. Unfortunately. So far it's not unbearable. I'm just clenching my jaw again. Started a couple of days ago. Hopefully nothing else/worse will show.
Yeah, still at my old place. Probably will be moving on Friday.
Yeah, still at my old place. Probably will be moving on Friday.
such an ignorant fucking cunt
Shit, I feel even worse now. I googled about my cactus. To help it. And I came across this:
The bigger cactus I have had this little dark fluffy thing on it and I picked it off!!!!!! Cause I thought it was a dead baby. Shit! I'm a such an ignorant fucking cunt!!!! Fuck!!!!! It was gonna be a fucking flower!!!!!! Shit I hate how fucking stupid I am!!! My poor cacti have to suffer cause of me. Makes me wanna cry. I just want the best for my babies and I keep screwing them up!!
I can literally feel physical pain in my chest from my stupidity and the hurt I've caused to my plants.
Fuck!
Like I'm in panic mode right now. I know my plants are not well, well the little one anyway, and I wanna do something eventhough I know (but what the fuck do I really know anyway!?) that the best thing to do right now, is just let them be.
I can literally feel physical pain in my chest from my stupidity and the hurt I've caused to my plants.
Fuck!
Like I'm in panic mode right now. I know my plants are not well, well the little one anyway, and I wanna do something eventhough I know (but what the fuck do I really know anyway!?) that the best thing to do right now, is just let them be.
Tuesday, July 04, 2017
pull through, little guy
Okay, sad news. I think I killed my little cactus. It's still very limp and crooked. I touched it. The needles don't hurt, they're super soft and the cactus is squishy. Ugh, I feel so bad. I only wanted to take care of it and wanted the best for it. I have three sticks holding it up right now. Please pull through, little guy! :(
Yeah and I was supposed to take most of my things to the new place yesterday. Mum and her man came in his car but it was pissin' out so we didn't. They just took the bags with stuff I didn't need and took it to their place.
Oh and yesterday I was so tired after work. Came home, bathed, cooked, ate and went to sleep. When normally before going to sleep I like daydream I guess of like "video clips" and "sound", then yesterday the video and sound machine in my brain went on a fritz. I only saw still pics and the sound slurred. Fell asleep very quickly.
Yeah and I was supposed to take most of my things to the new place yesterday. Mum and her man came in his car but it was pissin' out so we didn't. They just took the bags with stuff I didn't need and took it to their place.
Oh and yesterday I was so tired after work. Came home, bathed, cooked, ate and went to sleep. When normally before going to sleep I like daydream I guess of like "video clips" and "sound", then yesterday the video and sound machine in my brain went on a fritz. I only saw still pics and the sound slurred. Fell asleep very quickly.
Sunday, July 02, 2017
"Summer" 2017
Okay. This is a video I took on June 26th this year:
Like, if it was a thunderstorm I would understand but...hail?
Also, this happened later that day:
Taken through a window. Pretty prominent.
Also, this happened later that day:
the enctrance to my room
Ahh, went to my new place today and got to talk to the girl that lives there. Thank goodness she's young. Seemed pretty normal and nice. I hope everyone will get along and that the owners won't be selling the place and that I can afford it.
Went out to the shops to see the prices of things I need for the place. Should manage somehow. I definitely need a good pan. Preferrably a wok pan, just something large and deep cause I like my stir fry type of things and need loads of space for the veg in a pan. And when they're still uncooked they take up so much space in the pan.
Ahh, I was so happy when I was in my new room today.
Also, I cannot lock my bike onto anything in the building. So I just gotta buy a sturdier lock and just lock the bike so you can't ride it. I hope no one will pick it up and put it in a van or something and ride off with it.
Anyhoo, here's some pic of my room:
The door is the enctrance to my room.
My bed and the balcony.
The desk and window.
From the balcony this is the view:
This is the view from the desk window. I see water! Have to go down there sometime. This dude was feeding birds there :)
Went out to the shops to see the prices of things I need for the place. Should manage somehow. I definitely need a good pan. Preferrably a wok pan, just something large and deep cause I like my stir fry type of things and need loads of space for the veg in a pan. And when they're still uncooked they take up so much space in the pan.
Ahh, I was so happy when I was in my new room today.
Also, I cannot lock my bike onto anything in the building. So I just gotta buy a sturdier lock and just lock the bike so you can't ride it. I hope no one will pick it up and put it in a van or something and ride off with it.
Anyhoo, here's some pic of my room:
From the balcony this is the view:
 |
| If you look to the left... looks green enough |
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| And if you look to the right...this beautiful industrial looking roof |
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