Hello Flickr!

So Photobucket decided to fuck themselves. Bye bitches! Hello Flickr!
I guess I know what I'll be doing this weekend.

take care of myself myself

I just hate how fucking financially supportive my parents are. Fuck yous! I'm a big girl, tell me to take care of myself myself!

a big ass fucking change

Ok, school is cancelled. I'm going to sign the new contract with the new place on saturday I think. And once I'm settled in there, I'll look for an extra job. The heating bills are a little higher in the winter so I need a little bit more money. But the amounts the landlord/apartment owner told me were from last winter when the windows were old and the thermal insulation wasn't installed yet so I'm sure the bills will go a little smaller next winter.
Plus they have limitless internet wifi there so I could cancel my internet stick and gain 40 euros. Or I can use some of their wifi and get a cheaper smaller data deal with my stick.
Ahhhh, my anxiety is so bad though. Definitely cause I only slept for almost three hours last night cause I was so nervous about seeing the places today and now I'm anxious about moving. It's a big ass fucking change okay.

no old people

So today I went to see two flats. The first one was super, the second was Ilme vol. 2.
I'm just waiting for a call from the first one about expenses during winter time. If they're not too bad, I wanna move there :D
I'm so fucking anxious about it. Like my stomach churns and I feel uncomfortable. Am hungry but too nervous to eat lol. It felt really comfortable and homey there. I mean it looked crappy like a rental room would look like but it was nice. And there's no old people!

a life is destroyed

So this little clothing moth just flew onto my laptop. I wanted to sweep it off cause I get annoyed when something is flying around in front of me and I squashed it. I feel so bad. It was totally going on about its day like a normal little moth and I just killed it. It was alive, living it's moth life, a few seconds ago and now a life is destroyed.
I know they do bad shit but I still feel bad.

The only things I don't mind killing are gnats. But I read only the female ones bite humans and that they have babies somewhere. So I'm basically killing mothers and orphaning children.  Don't attack me and hurt me then! It's only self defence. Think about your children!

okay!?!??!?!

Okay, I need to rant some more. Like my new therapist is nice and all. We get along. But can everyone please stop saying that I'm not losing weight cause I'm going off Olanzapine!?!??!
Okay, I'm a lazy non active fuck who eats shitty crap. I admit that. But! I've done that my whole life! And before I ever went on any kind of pill, I was eating shit, not moving a fucking thing and I was fucking skinny okay!?!? I could eat whatever I wanted, how ever much I wanted, when and wherever I wanted, I never gained weight. Okay!??!?!  I was a lazy shit eating fuck before going on any pill and I was a fucking skinny bitch!!! Okay!?!??!
Then I went on Mirtazapine. I gained about 5 kilos.
Escitalopram was the second pill but it had no effect on my weight.
Then! I went on Olanzapine. And I gained 25+ kilos. I did not, NOT, get any lazier or started eating more crap. It wa simpossible to do cause I was eating so poorly already before going on pills. Nothing changed about my lifestyle and eating habits. How the fuck?!?!?!!? How the fuck can anyone say it's my diet and laziness causing me to gain weight!?!??! It's the fucking pill okay!?!?!? Okay!??!?!?!
And now for the last maybe like year and half  I've been losing weight, more prominently since last year around this time. About year and half ago I weighed about 84 kilos. The heaviest I've ever been. And today I weighed 64 kilos. My diet has not changed in the last year and half. I do not move more than ever before. It's the fucking  pill okay!??!?!?! Cause last year I started going off Olanzapine.
And my damn therapists are telling me it's my diet and lifestyle. It's not a thing, okay!??!?!?! It's the fucking pill!!!!!!! I know my body!!!!!!!!!! Like how many times do I have to say this!??!?! I FUCKING KNOW MY BODY!!!!! It's the pill that made me gain weight and it's the only, THE ONLY, THE SOLE reason why I'm losing weight now. I'm still the same lazy fuck with bad eating habits I was before I started taking all the pills and was still a skinny bitch. I am a natural skinny person okay!?!??! Why is it so hard to accept and understand that some people have naturally fast metabolism and the food they eat doesn't affect their weight?!?!?!? Like fuuuuuuuckckck!!! I'm so sick of people shitting on my natural body functions. Like, I don't give a fuck, FUCK, how others' bodies work. Mine works like mine. I do not gain weight naturally. That's it. It's a thing. The noly reason I gained weight on the pills is cause they alter the hormonal levels in the body, slow down the metabolism.
Now that I've been lowering the dosage of the pill, the body works more like its natural old self and I'm losing weight cause my damn metabolism is picking up speed again, the hormones are getting back to their natural levels. It's in my fucking DNA okay!?!??!?! The food I eat won't change that!

Like my mum and the therapist are like, don't lose anymore weight, don't go overboard. Bitches! I'm not doing anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Literally nothing!!!!!!!! Yeah I drink smoothies but they don't substitute any meals, it's all extra! I don't work out, I hardly ever fucking move at all. Most of the time, literally, I'm in bed on my laptop sitting on my ass, literally, and snacking on something, cookies or something, literally all of it. I don't watch what I eat, I eat whenever the fuck I want, however much I want. The only thing I do when it comes to food is that I try to cook food myself but not cause it's fucking healthier or shit or I wanna cook low calorie foods, no, I do it cause it's cheaper. I'm a poor ass bitch, okay!??! And I know fuck all about calories!
If they keep pushing it, and I know they will, then one day I will blow up at them. I'm so sick of people telling me, I gained weight cause I'm old or a woman or cause I don't move or eat crap. Yes it I am and do all those things, but the only, THE ONLY, THE SOLE reason for my weight gain and loss is Olanzapine. Get that through your heads please!!!!!! Or just stop telling me your opinions and guesses on how and why I'm gaining or losing weight.
Fuck!

edit: also I would like to ask anyone who says I'm a lazy shit eating fuck and the pill doesn't make you gain weight, when the pill is prescribed to the patients at the eating disorders clinic to make them gain weight, do they all get lazy and bad eating habits in that short amount of time they're at the hospital? Do they all get significantly older and more womanly all of a sudden when they're there? Is Olanzapine some kinda magic pill, that makes you a lazy shit eating old woman? Oh and when you go off the pill, you suddenly stop being a lazy shit eating old woman? And you just coincidentally happen to lose weight?

I need a new place so bad!!!!

Well, Ilme's at it again. She has lost her cooking cloths or shits. She was looking for them in the morning. I left to to see my therapist. Came back and asked her if she found her things. She said, "No cause you've thrown them out." Bitch! Seriously!? She didn't even ask me if I've seen them or touched them, she just came to the conclusion that they're missing therefore I threw them out. I have absolutely no business with her fucking cloths. I've only used them a couple of times but not lately. And they're gone since today. I definitely didn't use them anytime recently. Never ever. Even if I had used them recently, why in the world would I throw them out!?
It's like the time when she thought the forks were bent and accused me of opening jars with them. And then she fucking claimed she has seen me do it!!!! Bitch, I dunno what you think you saw cause I've never, not once in my life have I ever opened a fucking jar with a fucking fork!!!
Jesus what a senile cunt!
Anyway, when she told me I've thrown her shit out, I told her I don't wanna hear her stupid stories again. Seriously, she literally makes up random shit and claims that to be the reality and the truth.
And for the record, she threw out my honey. I confronted her about it and she admitted to it. She said she thought the jar was empty. Okay, even if it was empty, which it wasn't, then you don't get to decide whether something should be thrown out I bought with my money.
Fuck! I need a new place so bad!!!!

a hurtful motherfucker

Okay. Good news. I can go off Olanzapine. Saw my doc today and she said it would be a natural next step. But I wanna make sure I can stay off of it so I'm gonna leave four days in between taking 1,25mg. And when I can live like that for a while, I'll stop. Ahhhh, I'm excited! :D
And why I'm happy about is cause when I go off of it I can get pregnant. I still have escitalopram but apparently that's safe enough pill for pregnancy. Like I don't even have a man and it's my 7th or 8th single year running but whatever. When I actually get to planning one day, if it happens at all, probably never, then I'd like to be off all pills. But olanzapine is a hurtful motherfucker to fetus so I'm glad if I do get to go off of it.
Ahh.
Oh and dunno if I already elaborated on this on my blog but I'm so out of energy and motivation ever since stopping my iron pills. I wanna buy natural iron when I get paid. This synthetic stuff is horrible. Makes me feel so sick.
My mood is fine but I've lost all motivation about school and looking for a new place or a new/extra job. Ugh! I really gotta get my iron back up. Like when I wasn't feeling the side effects of the iron pills, I was on fire! So much energy and positive motivation. Like, no antidepressant has ever made me feel as alive as iron did. Wow. Weird thing is when my iron was at 5 something in january this year I felt fine. Started iron, got mad energy cause the iron went up. Then the iron started making me feel sick so I stopped when my ferritin level was at 15 and now, about two weeks later, I feel soooooo much worse than I did in january with extremely low ferritin levels. Like, I don't believe my iron dropped below 5 in two weeks from 15. Maybe just coming down from the high the pills gave me is really drastic and the change is really noticeable.
I dunno. Like I asked my mum already if she can pay half of my laptop after payment next month cause I wanna buy the super expensive natural iron. Maybe it won't be hard on me.

TS2662017

hope that that's that

Last night I almost got to sleep. Well. The three nights before I couldn't. I was literally up every 20, 30 or 40 minutes. All night. And then I learned it's fucking full moon time. I hope that that's that.

Looks like this year it's gonna be a rare dry jaanipäev. I didn't go to mum's cause I wanted to read my biology books for my uni enrolment test. Haven't yet. Typical. I'm just doing fuck all. I'm regressing a little yeah. Have no motivation or energy for some reason. And the weather annoys me. It's so fucking cold!

Oh, the good news is, I discovered coconut milk. Best thing ever! Made a chicken dish with it yesterday. I wanna put it in smoothies from now on. The only bad thing is, it's super expensive. Oh well.

down and brown with the big guy

Okay I was supposed to update on this weeks ago but go lazy, what with editing the pics and all.

This was taken on the 13th of May. My other beautiful baby at my mum's. I got really inspired with the first one and decided to bring this one to town aswell, on the 20th of May. I mean my mum brought it to town, her man pulled over in front of my house. I couldn't have transported them on my bike.

The big one's the first one I brought to town and replanted. Yeah yeah I know it's ugly but whatever. It's my cactus and I love it. The little one is cute though.
The butterfly flowerpot is it's old one, I bought a gray matching one with the other one.

Here's the babe alone on the 21st of May.

Naked and exposed.

As can be seen the old pot had rocks in it. They're the rocks I found years ago when I went swimming in the local lake with my brother and his friend.They had these fossilized algea bits on them. Super cute.

I put them and some other ones at the bottom of the new pot.

And some soil from the back of the house.

And done it is!

Now, I thought I'd be really super caring and take good and proper care of them two. Then this started happening:

I thought the little cuties were leaning towards the sun cause... that's what plants do. But no. I rang the gardener at the Tartu Loodusmaja again and she told me the cati are overwatered! Shit! I thought I was being attentive and caring, feeding them water and stuff. And the gardener said cacti don't really need water, especially after they've been replanted. And that they're super independent and don't like the fussing. Waah! The don't have any brown spots indicating they're rotting. But I'm still super worried. I think I will get one of the babies off the bigger cactus and replant it before it goes down and brown with the big guy.
Thank goodness I called though cause I was gonna water them this weekend. Now I won't til they get back to being straight and rigid.

I put in some sticks so they'd be straight and upwards. The gardener said they might get straight again but also might stay crooked. Ughhhh, I fucked up bad! I hope they won't die!

wanna know what kinda summer we have this year?

Yeah, wanna know what kinda summer we have this year? Well, I'll tell you. When all the previous years I've slept naked under a sheet or naked without any covers, sweating like a motherfucker then this year I sleep in a nightie, under two wool covers and am still cold and shivering. Fun times this summer.

Also, haven't taken iron in about a week or so. Think I can feel it. Have very little energy. Like when I was on it, I was like on fire or something. But maybe my "stomach flus" were cause of iron. Dunno.

I did this

So yeah...I did this :D
Will do biology when I wake up.
For this pharmacist thing I gotta start studying for the test to get more points. I only have 21 right now based on one of my exams. I will probably get major anxiety and shit when I go to do the test and fail. Okay, the test is on the 5th of July. I got a ton of biology books to go through by that time.
Oh and yay! I'm second right now :D This fucker before me really wants to get in I see. I did my enrolment at 5am, they must have done it right when the enrolling opened.

I cry

I cry. This amazing musical deity replied to me!!!!!

Also, in the morning I gotta enrol into uni. This bitch is trying to get smart again.

hurt me so good

*blub* Thank goodness Allman Brown brought me back to beauty and the essence of music. His voice and music hurt me so good. I haven't checked all of the lyrics yet but from what I can understand they're beautiful.
I'm so tired and sick of nowadays' EDM. Fuck that shit!

you still don't matter

Ok, just got even madder than before. Kept watching medicine videos on youtube and now I hate doctors even more. Like they're totally only after glorification and money. I've been dismissed my whole life. If you don't have cancer, you're healthy. And if you have cancer then you still don't matter but cancer does cause when the doc eradicates it, he gets his glorification.

horrible emotional state

Okay so today was a shitty day when it comes to my thoughts. At work I was thinking all these angry thoughts. Like, I was mad at men for being pervs, then at mum for not being supportive of me getting an education or at least trying to get it, then at doctors for keeping the blood type a secret form patients. And now I'm watching videos about cancer and still births. What the shit!? I'm not even around my periods. What's with the horrible emotional state?

defend and mend

I present to you my baby...

Yeah, it's just my left kidney. But, to me, by the looks of it, could be a sonogram of a baby. Well... the radiologist said I have "beautiful organs". No stones, thin walls, nice texture. Just a bit gassy around my stomach area and in lower abdomen. No sign of anything bad.
Called my GP to ask if I can go in straight away for a blood test if I start feeling sick cause if I wait a week again then they're not gonna find anything again. Well, I only talked to the nurse and she gave me the standard talk about IBS and stomach acid and told me to use Omeprazole next time. Basically, I'm back where I was before I was diagnosed with anxiety, "tests are fine" and "treat your so called IBS". Like I've had the "IBS" before and it was never like that. I never ever got this paralyzing exhaustion, lethargy and sore and stiff lower back or fever before. You really telling me this is IBS or stomach acid? Called my mum to tell her about my ultrasound. She said I'm "making up illnesses".
Fuck everybody!
If I start feeling sick again, I will be going to the doctor again. Like, fuck omeprazole, that shit doesn't help. The probiotics help a ton. I wanna get the probiotic and enzyme pills my therapist talked about. Although my GP said if it's stomach flu then the only remedy for that is symptomatic which I get but ugh...
The only thing making me feel better about all this is what my stepmum said. And she's a nurse so I believe her. Plus she's in the same position as me.
She used to have this co-worker, she's dead now. She had cancer. And her blood tests started to show something was wrong with her only a few months before she died. Stepmum said the body is, obviously, constantly trying to defend and mend itself so the blood tests are not always accurate. Plus, she has this "condition" too where something doesn't feel right but all the doctors she's been to tell her her tests are fine. She gets me.

Oh and just in case, I'm gonna post my blood test results aswell. Everytime I go to do the tests now I will ask for the results to be sent to me in detail.
 -- Uriini ribaanalüüs
09.06.2017 11:54: Glükoos Normi piires [norm ... - Norm (<2,0 mmol/L)]
09.06.2017 11:54: Ketokehad Negatiivne [norm ... - Negat.(<0,5 mmol/L)]
09.06.2017 11:54: Erikaal 1.025 [norm 1.010 - 1.030]
09.06.2017 11:54: Erütrotsüüdid Negatiivne [norm ... - Negat.(<5 E6/L)]
09.06.2017 11:54: pH 6.0 pH [norm 5.0 - 7.0]
09.06.2017 11:54: Valk Negatiivne [norm ... - Negat.(<0,25 g/L)]
09.06.2017 12:00: Nitritid Negatiivne [norm ... - Negat.]
09.06.2017 11:54: Leukotsüüdid Negatiivne [norm ... - Negat.(<10 E6/L)]
09.06.2017 11:54: Bilirubiin Negatiivne [norm ... - Negat.(<17 umol/L)]
09.06.2017 11:54: Urobilinogeen Normi piires [norm ... - Norm (<17 umol/L)]
*Hematoloogilised uuringud
Hemogramm
08.06.2017 11:36: Hemoglobiin 127 g/L [norm 118 - 150]
08.06.2017 11:36: Hematokrit 38.5 % [norm 37.0 - 47.0]
08.06.2017 11:36: Leukotsüüdid 6.3 E9/L [norm 4.1 - 9.4]
08.06.2017 11:36: Erütrotsüüdid 4.54 E12/L [norm 4.00 - 5.10]
08.06.2017 11:36: MCV 84.8 fL [norm 82.0 - 99.0]
08.06.2017 11:36: MCH 28.0 pg [norm 28.0 - 36.0]
08.06.2017 11:36: MCHC 330 g/L [norm 310 - 370]
08.06.2017 11:36: RDW 12.7 % [norm 10.0 - 15.5]
08.06.2017 11:36: Trombotsüüdid 293 E9/L [norm 150 - 450]
08.06.2017 11:36: Trombokrit 0.28 % [norm 0.10 - 1.00]
08.06.2017 11:36: MPV 9.7 % [norm 5.0 - 12.0]
08.06.2017 11:36: PDW  10.9 % [norm 11.0 - 20.0]
08.06.2017 11:36: Neutrofiilide % 39.3 % [norm 40.0 - 80.0]
08.06.2017 11:36: Eosinofiilide % 2.7 % [norm 1.0 - 5.0]
08.06.2017 11:36: Basofiilide % 1.0 % [norm 0.0 - 1.0]
08.06.2017 11:36: Monotsüütide % 11.8 % [norm 1.0 - 11.0]
08.06.2017 11:36: Lümfotsüütide % 45.2 % [norm 20.0 - 45.0]
08.06.2017 11:36: Neutrofiilide abs arv 2.5 E9/L [norm 1.50 - 6.70]
08.06.2017 11:36: Eosinofiilide abs arv 0.2 E9/L [norm 0.03 - 0.44]
08.06.2017 11:36: Basofiilide abs arv 0.1 x 10 9/L [norm 0.00 - 0.10]
08.06.2017 11:36: Monotsüütide abs arv 0.7 E9/L [norm 0.20 - 0.80]
08.06.2017 11:36: Lümfotsüütide abs arv 2.8 E9/L [norm 1.30 - 3.60]
08.06.2017 12:20: ESR 10 mm/h [norm ... - 20]
*Kliinilise keemia uuringud
08.06.2017 11:52: CRP <0.12 mg/L [norm ... - 10]
08.06.2017 11:52: ALAT 17 U/L [norm ... - 33]
08.06.2017 11:52: ASAT 21 U/L [norm ... - 32]
08.06.2017 11:52: Gamma- glutamüüli transferaas 10 U/L [norm ... - 38]
*Immuunuuringud
08.06.2017 19:22: TSH 3.26 mU/l [norm 0.40 - 4.00]
08.06.2017 19:29: Ferritiin 15.3 ug/l [norm 10.0 - 150.0]

getting back into the cycle

Okay, here we go again... my blood and urine test results came back... and they're fine! What the actual fuck!?
Urrrghhhh... I'm totally getting back into the cycle of feeling sick and doctors telling me I'm "fine" by their test results.
I have ultrasound tomorrow but I know it's pointless alreay now... the results will be "fine", I know.

Ugh

Ugh, okay. I think I have the "stomach flu" again. I don't feel nauseous yet but the immense exhaustion is setting in and the feeling of fainting aswell. What the fuck!? I don't understand what is wrong. I've never had something like this happen to me. Ever. I'm even too tired to type. My arms/hands literally feel like they have weights on them. And I've had a sore back for the longest time which is super fucking weird too. It was really bad last night, should have known it means a sleepless night. Ugh.

on fire

As per usual, I can't have a nice life. Couldn't sleep last night at all. I don't even know what I felt. Just sick and couldn't sleep. Body went crazy. Took diazepam just in case, didn't make a difference so must have been something else. Thought maybe it was the food I ate, the pork but didn't feel particularily nauseous. Then thought it must have been the iron pill I took right before bed. Ehh, who konws. Anyway, today I feel like death. Have absolutely no energy to do anything. Body feels like it's on fire, not hot but just so... on fire. A weird sensation. Maybe it's an olanzapine withdrawal symptom, who the fuck knows. But I kinda think I'd have the symptoms all the time then not random odd days. I just wanna take some pill to feel beter but don't know what to take. Diazepam doesn't help, have no pains so no use of painkillers, don't have particular nausea to take anti-nausea pills. Would drink coffee to get energy or even an energy drink but my body already feels jittery as it is. I napped for two hours and it made me feel worse. Great. I just don't know what to do with myself. How do I put out that fire in my body? I'm thinking of quitting the iron pills. I'll have the pork tonight aswell, if it makes me feel sick again then I'll know it's the food but if I feel okay I'll quit the pills. I only have three left anyway so... Will call the doc on tuesday for my blood test results. They checked early for iron aswell. I hope they find an inflammation in my body cause I dunno what is going on with me. But the tests will most probably come out fine and it is the good old anxiety/wonky brain making me feel like this, again as per usual.

Ah well, all is well

Wow, just cooked for about two and half hours. I fucking made pork for the first time ever! Ilme did guide me a little. Next time I'll know what to do. Basically you fry it a little at the start, then "boil" it for an hour. Then I added two packets of frozen string beans and one packet of chopped spinach. Oh and seasoned it with salrt, some Jamaican seasoning and soy sauce. Came out pretty nice.
But I royally fucked up the mashed potatoes. I forgot to salt the potatoes when they were boiling and for some reason they ended up super super super sweet. It literally tastes like I added sugar to them. I mean I salted them when I put the milk and butter in but it stills tastes gross. Maybe the milk had gone off lol.
Anyway, I cooked meat!
Oh and today was a cute day. I went to the doctor on thursday, did my blood test. You know, cause I have had stomach flu three times since the end of april. The doc said this year there's more stomach flu cases than normally. Just wanna make sure it's nothing else.
Yeah then on my way home from the doc I got a call from the receptionist saying I had left my ID card behind. So today I went to fetch it. Also took in my urine test. For some reason the doctor didn't want my poop sample. She even said herself she knows I have problems with the whole digestion thing, stomach flu you know, but she didn't want a sample of that. Weird.
Anyway, so later on mu m came to town. She had a day off. We went shopping and eating. Fuck it feels so nice to eat out like a normal person. I had some chicken feta cheese salad.
Yeah and she was looking for certain type of shoes which she found. Were cute enough. So, we looked at tons of shoes and I saw a pari of cute ones myself. Just little open sandals. Didn't take a pic of them on my feet cause my toes nails a manky. :D
Oh and yesterday I bought a sandwhich maker. Haven't used it yet. Bought ham for the sandwhiches though. Ate it all by itself.
Ohhhhh! And before I met up with mum I was on the phone with someone, put the phone in my bag and rode a little, maybe for a minute. Then for some reason I went to check my phone. It was gone! I took out all of my shit from my bag and checked all my pockets. Nothing!
I was freaking out a little and super annoyed with myself.
I went to Telia quickly to cancel my number/contract in case someone found my phone and started racking up my bill. Got to the shop. Told my story and the dude started the process. Then I was like, can you maybe ring my number, maybe someone who found my phone will answer. And the fucking thing started ringing in my bag!!!!!! Fuck! I felt so bad for wasting his time and being an idiot. Whatever though. I still have my phone. I was just annoyed as I'm still paying the afterpayments and I just got my cute new phonecase. Ah well, all is well.

fuck kale

Ughh, fuck kale. The worst smoothie ever. Definitely won't drink it. Fuck, so much of other stuff wasted.

a really stodgy one

So yeah I got a blender off mum about a week ago and I've been making smoothies. Just made a really stodgy one. Hard to eat/drink.
Put peanutbutter in it. Wow. Plus dates, banana, apple, kiwi yoghurt, milk and chia seeds.

Oh and got an appointment with my GP about my stomach flu's for thursday.

This is not normal

Okay, pretty sure I have "stomach flu" for the third time in about two months time. Will ring the GP tomorrow and make an appointment. This is not normal.
And it's fucking finally nice out. Warm. Why was it crappy yesterday and on friday? Today when I feel like shit it's nice.
Ugh. I dunno what it wrong with me but my head feels weird and the rest of my body too. No fever this time although it felt like it yesterday.

feel like I do

Okay, I feel like shit.
Last night me and mum bought ciders. I finished mine today and about a half an hour later I took my antidepressant. Think it's making me feel like shit now. Or I dunno what the fuck is going on. Maybe have a cold or something. Don't have a fever though and have weird anxious sicky feeling.
Or maybe it's the lasagna I ate.
My back was stiff all day though.
Ugh. Don't have a fever but feel like I do.
Started feeling super tired and took  a nap hoping I'd feel better when I wake up but no.

This is how I was

So out of the three appartments I was supposed to see yesterday I only saw one. And one small room should maybe open up in that and it all looked great, especially the outside, but the thing is on the sixth floor and there's apparently no basement or a place to keep my bike except the SIXTH FLOOR! Yeah there's an elevator but I can't fit my bike in there and there's no way I'll be bringing it up and down there.
And then I called another place that I found in an ad that was a copied one, meaning not posted by the landlord himself. It's not ready yet but I wanna go see it sometime when he's ready.

Yeah and then the dentist. I was in tears. But managed to sit through the whole situation. Cause there was no root canal. The dentist said she wasn't sure if the procedure would even work cause my tooth looks really bad. And I was like, okay let's pull it out then. Had to make an appointment with a...surgeon I guess. She was just the root canal-er. Anyway, we did fix another tooth of mine while I was already there. I was shitting myself but come on, I didn't wanna waste her time and I had already worked myself up all fucking week so... Afterwards my therapist who was with me and the dentist asked how I am...

Yeah I was pinching my arm with my nails the whole time. This is how I was. But I felt fine enough.

Yeah and then mum came over last night, finally watched Moana with her.
And today I went to her workplace and fucked up majorly. There were a lot of customers and she was busy with them. The receipt machine was about to run out of paper so she told me to change it. I have never fucking done it at her workplace so... she opened the machine quickly and I put in a new roll. Then the next customer didn't get a receipt. Well the paper came out but there was nothing on it. So mum thought it transaction didn't go through, so they did it again. Still no normal receipt. They did it again. And then it turned out I had put in the roll of paper the wrong way and it only prints to one side of the paper. So the customer was charged three times and it was such fucking hell. Fuck! How the fuck am I supposed to know what way the fucking thing goes in!? She didn't give out to me but she was super stressed out. Ugh. I'm never touching anything there again!

Yeah and I received my hoodie today that we had bought online. The sleeves were too short. And the material wasn't suitable for me. So I still have to find a good new hoodie for myself.

Oh and what the fuck is this?

These are bruises on my leg. I have never even hit my leg and they're like...there's so many of them. How? Is it cause I'm taking my iron pills or...? I was horrified when I saw my leg. I have more random bruises but nothing like this. Never hit my leg, they don't hurt, just weird.

Oh and a while ago I received my phone case!

It's so pretty! I wish it was more rosegold though not just pink.

too much for me

Oh my goodness. So much is happening. Dunno how I'll survive this friday.
Have the dentist, well technically today. Root canal. I am shitting myself cause the last time at the dentist I got the worst anxiety. I have never in my life been scared of the dentist. Ever! And I'm still not now but the thought of being stuck in a situation for an hour is... too much for me.
I have been waiting for it for three months and the fucker of a day is here.

In the morning though I will go look at three new apartments cause I've had enough of Ilme. Well she wanted me to do the water, as in write down and calculate the water digits and shit for the water bill. She told me that several times but I was busy on the internet. And then right before going to work, I started getting ready a few minutes early to do the damn water. And this bitch comes into my room all huffy and puffy and says "How many times do I have to call you to do the water? If we can't work this thing out I'll find someone else to help me". Like someone else to live here. And I said I'll do it when I have time and not when she wants me to. And if she is such a hurry she can do it herself. And then she was like "Oh so you don't use the water?". Bitch, I know you shower once a week but you fucking live in the kitchen so you use the water aswell and I've been doing the water for fucking years for you. Anyway, I told her it's not even my duty to do it, cause I'm just a tennant, she's the landlady, she needs to take care of it herself. And then she was like "is it really that hard for you to do it?" And I said "is it hard for you?" And then she said "I am an old person". And I said if you need help with your duties get a fucking social worker, I'm not one, I don't have to do it. And I also said she will never get anyone as conciliatory as me. Like does that bitch really think someone will move in to "help", really meaning do everything for, a random old person cause "they're old" out of their own free time!? Nobody will fucking move in anywhere where they have to take care of some randomer!! Especially when they have to pay for it themselves!!
And she was like "I've helped you" and I was like "Haven't I?"
I've taken out her shit for years, I've done the water for years, I've gone to the shop for her (like she used to for me for a short period) and pharmacies in town to get her medicine, I've rund around like a shithead for her magazine business with her friends (given her friends her magazines and newspapers and brought back stuff from them), I've gone to the cellar for her, several several times.
And she never asks. She thniks it's obvious that I do these things and when I don't or don't do them right the second she wants it done she gets so arrogant and demanding. Like, seriously bitch, I don't have to do this shit! You're just a landlady to me.
Also she espects me to drop everything for her but the second I bring a man over or, OH MY GOD!, have sex with him she has the fucking audacity to come and talk shit to my face about it!?!! Like, she flat out gave me a bollocking for having dudes over and forbid me to have sex. Shut the fuck up bitch!!!!!!
 I am soooooo looking for a new  place. I can't deal with this anymore. I feel like I'm healthy enough for a new relationship and it's never gonna happen if I stay in this shitty nunnery. Fuck, she's such a tyrant! I'm saying, she will never ever get anyone new here. No one will do shit like that for her like I have done. And no one will live here if they can't have a personal life. Luckily for the cunt I'm a natural hermit so I like being mostly alone. Like, she says "understand me, I'm an old person, I need help with stuff", well cunt understand this: I'm a young person who likes to have a personal life and sex.
Fuck! I hope I'll see something good tomorrow. Fuck, I don't need this stress right now along with the tooth stuff. Ughh! At least my new therapist will be coming with me. Maybe it'll help.

Plus I still have a ton to update on from three weeks ago. Been to mum's house twice this year. Three weeks ago and last weekend. I brought my cute baby cactus to town aswell and replanted it. Pics to come.