Wtf!? It happened again. So I had a dream I took a pic of Matthew while he was out and he was unhappy about it cause I didn't kinda like ask for permission.
And then later on I had a dream I was riding Shemar again.
Why is that a thing when I have a thing for Matthew!? Ugh.
Also last night I listened to old Estonian pop music til 5am. No lie. It was good.
Friday, December 29, 2017
Tuesday, December 19, 2017
Monday, December 18, 2017
feeling okay now
So either gabapentin caught up with me or olanzapine is doing its thing again. Had to call myself an ambulance at work today. Too much wooziness. Didn't do the floors at work or the downstairs toilets. My boss turned off her phone when I told her I was gonna call the ambulance. Basically meaning I gotta work and she doesn't wanna know I can't.
Whatever. Told my mum too. She got pissed that the boss did that and never called to check on me. She was like, "what if you had died and she never checked up on you? You'd be discovered by the people coming to work in the morning".
Before the ambulance got there I tried calling my mum to warn them they might have to come and pick me up from hospital.
But as I thought there's nothing they could do, the paramedics. First I called my doctor but it was after hours so she didn't reply. Then called the 24h GP number, they told me to call the ambulance. Then called my boss to tell her I was gonna call the ambulance and they might take me to hospital.
Then the ambulance. I told the operator I wasn't sure if I even needed an ambulance if there was even anything they could do but I was advised to call them.
So they showed up, my vitals were fine, just the puls a little higher - 100, probably cause I was a little nervous and the blood sugar was a little lower 4,3 I think, BP was fine. So... the GP number and the operator suspected I had high blood pressure but no. It wasn't anxiety for sure. But it was definitely from one of the pills. Have had it before but normally goes away after a while. Today, had it for 7 hours and got progressively worse. Like when I moved around at work with every body and head movement I felt like I was gonna pass out or twirl into a neverending whirlpool. Just...not particularily dizzy, I dunno how to describe the feeling. Like the feeling was so intense I started feeling nauseous from the unstableness, wobbliness in my head.
The paramedics wanted to give me cerucal, I had taken one already. I told them I wasn't sure if diazepam would be a good idea and they agreed. Told them I have to go home by bike and they said it would be too dangerous.
Yeah, I had to call the shop manager and tell him I couldn't reach my boss to get anyone to cover for me and that the floors will be dirty. He said I can go home. Hopefully no shit will take pace tomorrow, health wise orany fucking problem wise that I left work ealry and unfinished today.
I'm feeling okay now. Gonna have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and talk to her about all this. I eventually got a hold of her and she talked to the paramedics.
Whatever. Told my mum too. She got pissed that the boss did that and never called to check on me. She was like, "what if you had died and she never checked up on you? You'd be discovered by the people coming to work in the morning".
Before the ambulance got there I tried calling my mum to warn them they might have to come and pick me up from hospital.
But as I thought there's nothing they could do, the paramedics. First I called my doctor but it was after hours so she didn't reply. Then called the 24h GP number, they told me to call the ambulance. Then called my boss to tell her I was gonna call the ambulance and they might take me to hospital.
Then the ambulance. I told the operator I wasn't sure if I even needed an ambulance if there was even anything they could do but I was advised to call them.
So they showed up, my vitals were fine, just the puls a little higher - 100, probably cause I was a little nervous and the blood sugar was a little lower 4,3 I think, BP was fine. So... the GP number and the operator suspected I had high blood pressure but no. It wasn't anxiety for sure. But it was definitely from one of the pills. Have had it before but normally goes away after a while. Today, had it for 7 hours and got progressively worse. Like when I moved around at work with every body and head movement I felt like I was gonna pass out or twirl into a neverending whirlpool. Just...not particularily dizzy, I dunno how to describe the feeling. Like the feeling was so intense I started feeling nauseous from the unstableness, wobbliness in my head.
The paramedics wanted to give me cerucal, I had taken one already. I told them I wasn't sure if diazepam would be a good idea and they agreed. Told them I have to go home by bike and they said it would be too dangerous.
Yeah, I had to call the shop manager and tell him I couldn't reach my boss to get anyone to cover for me and that the floors will be dirty. He said I can go home. Hopefully no shit will take pace tomorrow, health wise orany fucking problem wise that I left work ealry and unfinished today.
I'm feeling okay now. Gonna have to call my psychiatrist tomorrow and talk to her about all this. I eventually got a hold of her and she talked to the paramedics.
Friday, December 15, 2017
after years and years
I make sense.
So after years and years of pill taking I finally bought a pillbox. I'm literally weening off my pills at this point. Only escitalopram left that I take fully.
It's been 21 days I think since my last olanzapine. So I hope the gabapentin is working.
Yesterday was a horrible day though, hopefully today won't repeat it. I was bleeding/spotting badly. It wasn't gooey period blood, it was flat out bleeding, dark really watery blood. And I got diarrhea aswell. Freaked me out. What the fuck is this!? Can hormones do that!? I think they can.
I really hope the body settles and calms down as quickly as possible.
Yeah and also after years and years of riding my bike I finally bought glasses for riding. Nowadays we get so much rain and snow I've had to ride the bike with my eyes closed. Yeah, not safe.
Ugh...yeah.
So after years and years of pill taking I finally bought a pillbox. I'm literally weening off my pills at this point. Only escitalopram left that I take fully.
It's been 21 days I think since my last olanzapine. So I hope the gabapentin is working.
Yesterday was a horrible day though, hopefully today won't repeat it. I was bleeding/spotting badly. It wasn't gooey period blood, it was flat out bleeding, dark really watery blood. And I got diarrhea aswell. Freaked me out. What the fuck is this!? Can hormones do that!? I think they can.
I really hope the body settles and calms down as quickly as possible.
Yeah and also after years and years of riding my bike I finally bought glasses for riding. Nowadays we get so much rain and snow I've had to ride the bike with my eyes closed. Yeah, not safe.
Ugh...yeah.
Monday, December 04, 2017
three kinds of fun
Wow what fun day I had! And the weekend aswell. Had three kinds of fun: on periods, stomach bug and olanzapine withdrawal.
I hope the bug is more or less gone now and I can sleep fine tonight. Shit! I had sleep paralysis again after several, several years. I guess I had a fever and was just feeling sick in general and that triggered major, only physical, anxiety and that triggered the paralysis.
I opened my eyes and wasn't completely all there consciously. I had that typical omnious sleep paralysis feeling but when I had my eyes open all I could really see was the night stand. For some reason I felt it was evil and wanted to scream at it and scare it away but as, again, typical for the paralysis you cannot really make a sound so this pathetic little groany thing came out instead. Yeah crazy night. The good thing was, I was in and out of sleep cause of sickness and anxiety and was thinking constantly I should take diazepam but luckily fell asleep without it. It's a fucking miracle cause the anxiety was sky high.
Yeah and I managed to go to the physiotherapist today. Assigned workout and massage for me. Wanna ask dad for 20 euros. One massage is 10 euros, have to do 4 for starters.
Yeah and been on gabapentin for a little over a week now. Feels great. Don't get the drunk, unbalanced feeling anymore. As I said at the start I get a bit of olanzapine withdrawal. Hopefully I can last longer than two weeks without it or maybe get off of it completely. Which is unlikely right now. Think it will be a few more times of taking it or maybe gabapentin won't help at all and I gotta quit it and try something else.
I hope the bug is more or less gone now and I can sleep fine tonight. Shit! I had sleep paralysis again after several, several years. I guess I had a fever and was just feeling sick in general and that triggered major, only physical, anxiety and that triggered the paralysis.
I opened my eyes and wasn't completely all there consciously. I had that typical omnious sleep paralysis feeling but when I had my eyes open all I could really see was the night stand. For some reason I felt it was evil and wanted to scream at it and scare it away but as, again, typical for the paralysis you cannot really make a sound so this pathetic little groany thing came out instead. Yeah crazy night. The good thing was, I was in and out of sleep cause of sickness and anxiety and was thinking constantly I should take diazepam but luckily fell asleep without it. It's a fucking miracle cause the anxiety was sky high.
Yeah and I managed to go to the physiotherapist today. Assigned workout and massage for me. Wanna ask dad for 20 euros. One massage is 10 euros, have to do 4 for starters.
Yeah and been on gabapentin for a little over a week now. Feels great. Don't get the drunk, unbalanced feeling anymore. As I said at the start I get a bit of olanzapine withdrawal. Hopefully I can last longer than two weeks without it or maybe get off of it completely. Which is unlikely right now. Think it will be a few more times of taking it or maybe gabapentin won't help at all and I gotta quit it and try something else.
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