absolute bitches

Was supposed to go to my childhood friend's wedding today. Yeah I was so sure I was gonna go but as the day came nearer I got more and more hesitant. Didn't wanna cause drama with my anxiety. I just don't do well in crowds. I really would have wanted to go though cause it's (supposedly) once in a lifetime thing.

Instead, I was at my mum's place. We went swimming. Got to skinny dip. The weather was impossibly humid. At least this year we had nice weather on jaanipäev.

Yeah and I've been conversing with these crazy ass vegans for the last two days. Crazy people. Yeah they "care" for the environment and animals but they're absolute bitches to humans. I don't think I've come across more hateful people before. Not feminists nor racists.

hammering

So much hammering today! We tore up the master bedroom's floor. Oh man. Tired now.

Yesterday I was thankful for colours. Went to the shop and I was just amazed by the greens and the blue of the sky. Today I'm thankful for the caring and money of my dad's family. Hopefully I'm able to get by on my own money now. Cannot wait til I get paid. I wanna know how much exactly I will get. It was said 150 euros but since I'm on benefits I should get a bit more.

I've got old

Yesterday was jaaniõhtu. Mum's brother came over with his lady. He said I've got old. How sad.

I'm so jealous

Okay so my brother has been sleeping in a tent with a girl. I'm so jealous. I wanna be sleeping with someone so close to me. Fuck. My brother has everything I wanted/needed as a kid: a family, computer and internet, a girl. Fuck!
Dare he get a girlfriend before I get a boyfriend! Shit.

mirror cracker

Shit. Why did I have to gain all that weight? It doesn't get me down and I'm not obsessing over it but I'm just annoyed. If I had not started taking my pills I'd be a skinny minny right now and could go to the beach and make all the bitches jealous.
Yeah I was just looking at some models and I just thought I could look that good. Body wise. My face is a mirror cracker lol.
I wish I didn't get all this anxiety before work then I could go down on my Olansapine dosage and maybe finally I'd start losing weight. Weirdly, it still hasn't really registered that I'm fat now. In my head I'm a skinny person who is fat. I mean I've been skinny most of my life. I look at my fatness as just a phase, a temporary thing. Hopefully it really is.
Ahh...I really wanna get my life back on track.