Everything fucking sucks right now. I'm so out of energy and motivation it's fucking unreal. And I feel sick often. Is it the olanzapine withdrawal? Who the fuck knows!
What I think the consensus is of me feeling sick at night, like in the last blog entry, is that I trigger myself.
Last time for some reason I was intensely thinking of puking and I had the worst anxious night.
Last evening I watched some pregnancy update video on youtube and got really broody but thought I'd be a fucking sick mess if I was to ever fall pregnant. Thought about puking and being sick again. And sure enough, had the worst fucking night last night. Still feel like crap.
And then last wednesday or something I got a fucking hemorrhoid! Still have it. Go away! It's been an outer one but now I'm feeling soreness on the inside aswell. Fucking fun times!
And then just today I got my gynecologist test results. I have been spotting for about a month now. Thought it was cause of olanzapine, some hormonal stuff. Well, no change in cells in cervix, no inflammation but I might have a polyp. That means I gotta have surgery. Fuck!
Yeah I have another consultation on October 3rd so it'll be a while.
Yeah and everything with men is over. Especially BFM. It's been like a week now that it's all completely over. It's... over. I really had to shut myself down emotionally. And now I'm not interested in anyone. Did watch The Core with the Core Guy but since I'm so shut off and health wise not motivated or energized at all, I'm not sure I'm interested in anything. Haven't told him that yet.
Ugh yeah, that's where I'm at.
