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Why can't things just go and be?

Phew. Got back from Tartu. Yeah, it was not easy.
It took me two hours to ride a 17 km long road cause I had to stop so many times and rest in the shade.
When I got home I marched right over to sauna, filled a basin with water, went outside, strip to my underwear and poured the water all over myself. It was soooo hot.

But I'm glad I went. Otherwise I would have spent the day moderating the forum and doing it's new look. Inside.

I dunno if I have written about it but I once asked my stepmother what chemicals there are in the brain that lose balance and you go crazy. She didn't know. So I asked my psychiatrist today and she told me about it. She also gave me a little brouchure on the subject. I'm not exactly sure what a chemical is but what happens in the brain when you have anxiety and depression is that there is a substance between the neurons (nerve cells) in the brain and I think it was throughout the sustance there is an electrical discharge that connects the two cells and... the information is brought over to the other cell through the discharge and it's accepted by receptors in the other cell. Now the symptoms of anxiety occur when the information transfer between two cells slows down. I'm not sure why or how but the antidepressants people are given work for three major cell receptors in the brain. There are loads of different kind of receptors but the three are just the major ones that they make pills for.
I plan to read all about it. And try to find out what exactly causes the whole process to slow down in my body.
I also found out that a person's psyche works in favour of the person. This was talked about when I said that I cannot swallow/eat. By the symptoms it looks as if I have achalasia but the doc said to her it looks like just a symptom of something rather than a physicl disorder of it's own. And she said sometimes the psyche "doesn't understand" what is best for the body and starts doing weird shit. Although what I think my psyche "is thinking" is that if I eat I have a better chance at getting sick and if the stomach's empty not much can come out. So... yeah. I have no idea how to treat the whole thing but that's the way it is.
Oh and I also learned that it takes the body about 20 minutes to build up anxiety and after that it starts calming itself.
This is actually kinda freaky, I mean all of it. The whole damn world.
Like my stpemother said that some "greater mind" had to create it all. And I'm like, the fucking universe is so messed and fucked up how could anyone possibly create something like it. It looks like complete chaos to me. Things go how they go and that's it. Why are people looking for someone to "blame" all the time? Why can't things just go and be?
Okay, I wanna know why and how my anxiety starts but that's like.. only a small thing. And my brain's like especially tiny :D
But just today when I was resting in the shade I started thinking about it. I was just looking at some little flower and started thinking how it had become to be. Also I was looking at the clouds a lot (just to see when they were gonna block the sun so I could ride on) and got creeped out cause I realised the space was up there. Yeah, maybe it's just crazy talk but my conclusion was why even ask such things.
Anyway... I meant to post these pics quite a few days ago but obviously didn't. And while I'm already talking about old old times I have a couple pics:

I imagine these are fossilized algae bits. Found them when me, my brother and his friend went swimming in the local lake. Like snowflakes!

Can't be arsed

Ugh, I really don't feel like going to Tartu today.
Was up til two last night cause of my anxiety and now I'm so dizzy. Can't be arsed to ride to Tartu, too tired.
Called the doc already and she told me to come.
Oh well, I guess I'll just jump on the bike and try going. Will put some smaller tools in my bag, maybe I'll go and fix up my grandparents' grave.

I'm so not ready for it health wise

Oh no. I got a bit giddy when texting my ex-boyfriend. Hopefully it doesn't mean I still have feelings for him. Cause... he's all like... living in Ireland and shit. I haven't really thought about him that much but just today I remembered when he was sick and at his mother's place and when I got off the phone when he told me he wasn't gonna come... home home, to me like... I remember how right after hanging up I ran to the shop to buy orange juice and strawberry yoghurt for him cause that's what he eats/drinks when he's sick. And he's just told me he's moved to another town and I asked him if some girl was the reason. Gahhhh, I hope not. And damn my anxiety. If I didn't have it I'd ask him to come over and we could travel all around Estonia and... fuck.
I dunno what boyfriend sex I'm after. I just told my psychologist I can jump anything that's alive and I'm fine with it. And I really am. Ugh, hopefully this doesn't mean I want a bf cause I'm so not ready for it health wise.

Yeah and hopefully my forum break lasts. Just have to finish the pink dream, or disaster.

TE09062011