what I'm supposed to doooooo! (Card Of The Day - Ixchel (four times)&Abundantia (upside down))

Okay, so I got to ran about my stomach and get it off my chest. I decided to draw cards to see what the hell is going on. And by the looks of it I'm very much back in my last year. In one of my earlier posts I have mentioned that the Ixchel card has come up a lot and I swear, no lie, this card showed up three times in a row again.
So I asked what does my stomach want/need for it to feel better, got Ixchel.
So I asked, what brought on this sicky feeling, got and upside down Abundantia (which I got several times before). To make it clearer I asked what kind of abundance have I missed then that I feel so sick, got Ixchel.
So I asked again what I need to do to feel better, got Ixchel.
This card scares me cause I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do. I take pills for my stomach and anxiety and they're not helping. I don't know of any other way to heal myself.
My stepmother got a number of this guy that does energy cleansing type of thing, in Tartu so maybe I can meet up with him.
I just don't know what I'm supposed to doooooo!

(Okay, no lie, I drew another card asking what exactly I need to do, what kind of help am I supposed to get: medicinal, spiritual, emotional, physical and I got Ixchel. I swear!!! It's so spooky!!!)

FUCKING OBEY ME

Okay, it's been about a month now that I haven't been able to eat. What the fuck!?I just don't know why I feel sick. I take pills, I feel sick. I don't take pills, I feel sick. I eat, feel sick. I don't eat, feel sick. I go out, feel sick. I don't go out, feel sick. I do stuff, feel sick. I don't do anything, feel sick.
Seriously, I'm so not fucking going back to last year!
I wanna beat someone/something up so bad! How dare my body to feel sick so long? What the fuck have I done to deserve to feel like fucking shit for so long? Seriously, I don't have to fucking please this shitty body if it makes me feel like crap for so long. It's unforgivable.
Like, my stepmother said I have to ask for forgiveness from my body for causing it distress. Like, what the fuck?????!!! It's my fucking body and it fucking does what I want it to do. And if my stomach decides to be a bitch on me I'm not fucking accepting it as a part of my body. It can fucking get the fuck out of my body, fucking fuck itself and then fucking come back around and fucking kneeeeeel before me for ten fucking years (that's how long it's been causing me trouble) and fucking apologise and pleaaad for forgiveness and then I fucking punch the crap out of it and ridicule it and make it the most hated thing in the whole damn world so it feels like shit for the rest of its life and it will FUCKING OBEY ME and feel fucking good. UNDERSTOOD, YOU SHITTY PIECE OF A STOMACH!!!!???

Damn, why aren't I there?

Okay, so Glee is doing Rebecca Black's Friday.

:D

Wow, it must be so rewarding and incredible to work on Glee. I mean you get to sing songs that you and everybody else loves, be around the Sasquatch and suffer from gay overload. Damn, why aren't I there?

And I have nothing against Rebecca but come on! A nearly 30 year old singing the song is fucking ridiculous! I bet the guys are totally over the moon for it and love everything about Glee. What's not to love?! Cheese is the best thing ever!

living in a patch of moss during a week of heavy rain or a very shallow pond with lots of algae, little friendly fish and tadpoles

Ugh...it's such a depressing day today.
The weather is almost as bad as in Ireland, except it's not as damp eventhough it's raining and it's not as dim eventhough it's cloudy and grim. Living in Ireland felt like....living in a patch of moss during a week of heavy rain or a very shallow pond with lots of algae, little friendly fish and tadpoles. And that is exactly what it felt like.

Been having anxiety attacks for the last few days which is higly disturbing. I went to see my GP for a little something but had an anxiety attack right before so when I got in his office we talked about that. For about 40 mins and he said the next time I should book my appointment at the end of the day so I don't run into other people's appointment time.

Yeah and my father didn't recharge the camera yet so I haven't been able to do the Card Of The Day business. Drew a card the other day got Eireen again, the Peace card.

Yeah, and I was out quite a bit, riding my bike. Oh and played the violin in the little cottage in the garden. But I'm still too anxious to study. I just cannot sit still and concentrate on something. I've pretty much given up on my chance of retaking the exams. I just gotta do at least geography cause for biology in university they wanted and exam in biology, english and another science subject. Oh well, if I can't do biology I'll do english.