Anxiety!
So everything was going great. I didn't feel nervous about my exam today at all. Never ever. Not once cause it was an English exam.
I got up at six and was like... cool.
Then I took my brother's bike and went to Tartu.
Had to go to my mother's workplace first to print out the examination paper thingy.
I was not nervous! I was like, "Blah, English!".
And I was a little late for the exam. But I made it.
First my pen wouldn't work.
Then asked the girl next to me for a pen. It stopped working.
Asked her for another pen and it stopped working.
Then asked one of the examination ladies for a pen, that worked.
The first task was to write a letter and an essay.
How fucking easy!?
I was doing so great with the essay and I was a bit taken aback cause I couldn't remember how to close off a formal letter but whatever. I could've just written "Yours sincerely" and lose a point or something BUT.
For whatever idiotic reason I got an anxiety attack and it totally made me lose concentration so I gave the ladies my paper and walked out. I never got write the letter and had about a hundred word essay (200 was needed). I told them I got an anxiety attack and couldn't do it. They tried to get me to stay for the second half - grammar - aswell but I was there for the points and if I knew I had handed in a half arsed essay and no letter that I'm very much capable of writing then the grammar bit wouldn't have helped me.
So everything sucked monkey butt!!
I have no idea why I freaked out. It's fucking English! I can do English! Fucking blindfolded if I have to. I swear!!!!! I was sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo disappointed. I have never ever let myself down like that ever in my life.
And this has made me very weary about the other exams cause...for those I have to study a lot. Read a lot of books and remember lots of stuff. If I couldn't do English then how the fuck am I supposed to do those?! I hate this stupid anxiety so much!! Will it fucking ever give it a rest?! And my mother said if I'm like that then I won't be able to cope with the the pressure and the amount of stuff to study in university and that is the only goal in my life right now. If I don't have that, I have nothing. Nothing to live for. Cause If I cannot study then I sure as hell cannot hold down a job cause of the fucking anxiety.
Fuck!
Well, I didn't really feel like hanging around Tartu much cause I was in a crappy mood after that. And I didn't want to make my stupid body and mind happy by buying things for myself. Like chocolate and a camera. Fuck this body, I'm not taking it out on Tartu if it acts like that.
Yeah and then I rode home. Up the wind! Fifteen fucking kilometres!
Yeah so....played a bit of piano/keyboard. Fed the puppies.Oh four of them have been "booked". And my Kevin is so popular. Several people have called in and wanted him. He's adorable though.
Actually my mother's man might buy me a camera. I talked to him on the phone and said he can buy me one cause he knows the stuff better than I do.
Yeah so....actually I'll go and get one of the puppies and watch some happy film to cheer me up.
