Think I'm falling

No lie. Think I'm falling ill again. Feel super weird. Took valium just in case cause dunno for sure what's making me feel like this. Ugh. I'd rather it'd be anxiety cause then it'll go away with valium but if it's the flu or something it'll take forever to go away again. Ugh.

my knee hurts and hands are scraped

Also, I fell off my bike today. lol
I didn't see a big truck coming from behind parked trucks and I pressed down on my breaks and they completely stopped my bike. My feet were on the ground already but the speed had been too high I guess and the bike like turned and knocked me over. The truck driver was gesturing something at me and I just laughed out of embarrassment and gestured for him to move on and said "I'm fine".
Ow, my knee hurts and hands are scraped.

I have two bikes now. And two rides.

This might bring me a lot of trouble in the future but...whatever. I have thoughts. I had feelings too but they've calmed down.
So I had a date arranged with the Core Guy for sunday. But I was really feeling BFM so I cancelled the sunday. I had the most fantastic time with BFM on thursday and I was really into him. That's why I cancelled the Core Guy cause I felt like I was almost cheating on the other one.
Well, on friday BFM says he's not interested in a relationship with me. He just wants to be friends who fuck. At one point he did say he wanted me.
Okay, so all friday I was bummed out. But we didn't talk all weekend and I got over it properly. I mean I just met him so it wasn't that deep but I really did dig him.
Anyway, on friday I called up the Core Guy again, to make sunday happen. He was still in. I had sent a message to BFM saying I'm okay with just fucking then, if he's not interested, he's not interested. He even said, I can get a boyfriend and all. That was like a complete buzzkill for me cause that shows he's not into me at all.
Anyway, he didn't reply to my text and I really did cool down. I had told him to contact me when he...basically wants to get laid.
So I fell ill on friday night. Couldn't do sunday. We rescheduled the date for the next weekend. I flat out asked him what he was after, like sex or what. He said he is interested in me but doesn't wanna rush things. Okay, cool. He's a nice guy aswell.
So this week, BFM, contacted me. Said, I can let him know when I wanna meet up too. I did last week and he didn't really want to so... okay.
And I told him I was sick. I probably fell ill cause we slept together on thrusday night and it was so incredibly hot and I asked him to open the window. I was sleeping on the window side, sweaty, on top of the covers. I also told him I was gonna meet someone else but fell ill.
Then he tells me he felt jealous about it.
I told him I still very much want a relationship and if it's not happening with him then cool, but I will keep looking.
So basically, what I gather from this.... he is still very much into his ex and is making me the substitute. He like tries to have what he wants to have with her but doesn't really want me at all. And I let it happen cause what I really want is a relationship and when I'm with him I'm how I am in a relationship, eventhough I know now things won't work out.
It's super confusing to me cause when I have sex...people, men, we just get together, fuck and part ways. But he wants to kiss and cuddle and talk and go to places and be lovey dovey.
And the crappy thing is, we could just fuck but he can't. Perform. He has to stop and I can see him being physically disturbed. He told me he can't cause he has his ex in his mind.
Fuck! It's a bit too messed up and creepy for me. But he is such a great guy though. He just needs the girl out of his head or get back together with her.
Ughhhhh. I'm just not a superwoman who can make him forget about her. They broke up in december last year...it's august already.

Anyway, I have my mind set on the Core Guy for now. Cause he's actually interested in me. Eventhough I might go over to BFM's house this week and we might go to an event this weekend.

I dunno if any of the previous text made sense. I'm just so... well this week I've been so whatever about everything cause I'm actually sick. Didn't want to go in to work yesterday but my supervisor made me. I have an idiotic contract.
Yeah so I asked my mum to come and help me at work. She did and stayed the night. lol she actually bought the doctor's mask to wear around me cause she didn't wanna fall ill.

Oh yeah and on monday I got a call from the police. A woman said they think they found my bike. Went in on tuesday to ascertain the bike. It was mine! So the story with this is, on the 6th of august, it was stolen. And on the 17th some man had stolen somebody's wallet and the police started chasing him. The dude was escaping on a bike. At some point he man dropped the bike and the wallet and ran off. The wallet person got their stuff back. And my bike was identified! Holy crap! What are the chances!? It's at my mum's man's workplace right now. He will bring it over to me tomorrow. I have two bikes now. And two rides.

the second fucking time in my life

So friday was shit. I didn't get the guy I wanted, then I found out some shitty things about my job and contract, and I found more new bikes that were a ton cheaper than my very old used bike I recently bought, and I started my periods and felt like crap AND I fell ill.
The guy thing is whatever, I'm over it. The bad thing is, I was supposed to meet with the Core Guy but now that I'm ill I won't be. We talked and he doesn't wanna catch anything.
The job thing I haven't investigated further cause I feel too shitty.
The period thing is kinda good cause I thought they were properly fucked up cause I was spotting for 4 days. Doesn't happen to me. Didn't think I was gonna properly bleed, good thing I did. But it made the fucking day ten times worse.
Yeah and it's the second fucking time in my life that I'm sick during summer. Well the thing is, the weather is so fucking hot and humid that you have to wear as little clothes as possible, otherwise you'll die of heat. But the fucking wind is cold. So now I have a sore thorat and a runny nose. Hopefully I won't fall ill properly, with fever and shit.
Yeah...I just feel like shit.

BFM and Core guy vol.2

Okay. Shit happened.
First, I have no fucking clue what the fuck is going on with my period. I've been just spotting since tuesday. I don't spot, I full on bleed. And I've been spotting for 4 days now. Not normal for me. I hope I didn't fall pregnant on sunday when the condom came off. That would suck cause BFM is not interested in me. Unfortunately.

Yeah we had a lovely evening last night. Lovey-dovey. And we talked today morning before he went to work and he just wants to be friends who fuck. Okay, that is not friendship. And he just admitted, he's not over his ex, he's lonely and horney. So, technically I'm a rebound.
I have a choice not to see him again but I probably will. Cause I want company and lovey dovey sex aswell, just not to "fill the gap" of some sort but to have a life partner who to make life plans with. Fuck it, it'll be temporary then. He's too fucking nice to let go though. What the hell was his ex thinking breaking up with him!? Bitch, you have this amazing guy after you and you let him go!? I would fucking marry the guy today!
I dunno how his sex idea would work though cause he literally can't perform properly with me cause he has his ex in his mind while we're at it.

Oh and I cancelled the Core Guy for him on sunday. Luckily I could reschedule it with him again. So that's good :)

Right now,, I don't care so much about guys as my periods though. Fuck! I hope I start bleeding normally. With cramps and shitty wellbeing and all.

Yeah and dunno if I mentioned it but I had the odd cleaning job yesterday. Was fine, they were happy with my cleaning. And I'll be leaving for a job interview today soon. Another cleaning company.