a good ass, non sick sleep

Okay, I'll go die now.
I better be okay by the time I need to wake up. We should be going to celebrate the bro's birthday tomorrow and I do not wanna skip!
And I wanna get a good ass, non sick sleep!

this dumbass feeling

Also it's time to take my antibiotic but I wanna take a cerucal, paracetamol or valium instead. I'm not sure which one would work best for now. I know the antibiotic will make me feel even more nauseous. And I'm still quite positive I don't have Lyme. Shit. I dunno what's making me feel so crappy. :s
I have this intense feeling in my nose and the area. My head feels like shit too. But it's not like a cold. Fuck!?
I have my holiday coming up... I will not be doing anything. Just lay in bed all day for two weeks. And this dumbass feeling better stop!

Today... I feel like dying

Today... I feel like dying.

Long story short, I'm on my periods, dunno if it matters. And I had to bike 28 kilometres. And I dunno if I'm low on iron or if it's the Lyme disease or whatever but I'm literally dying. I feel so horrible! It feels like this weird, never ending cold-but-not-really-a-cold.

my standards are too high?

SO I went to the gynecologist recently. Not even gonna talk about how stupid it was. I literally couldn't even tell the doc why I was there. She just asked when my last period was and if I've had kids. Wow, so much information! She absolutely can diagnose me on this! This was literally all the information I could tell her. She didn't even ask why I was there as she had been late to work herself and was rushing me out the office and just so she could say I was seen by the doc so I have nothing to complain about. Bitch! I literally couldn't say a word.
Anyway, when she asked me if I had had kids I told her no. And she told me why not. I said there's no good men out there to have a baby with. And then she told me to hurry cause women at 35 and plus are "dangerous" pregnancies already,

So yesterday I talked to my stepmum. About men. She at first thought my standards might be too high. Then I told her about my men. She literally told no to every man I talked about. So... do I have high standards? No. Men just suck ass.

As of now, well, recently, I've had two men for try. I haven't slept with either and don't plan to.

The first one seemed nice at first but I was in no way attracted to him. The biggest turn off was his smoking. Look, I will not be with a man if I can't be intimate with him in any way because his stink literally makes me gag. I absolutely need to be affectionate physically and all over my dude. But I will never do it if he smells like shit. I simply do not have to gag every time I wanna be around my man. Never gonna happen.
And then lately I dunno what's going on and I don't wanna know. He seems to be too depressed. He is not my man, I've only seen him a few times so I literally do not have to put up with any man who has such depression problems. I've had enough mental health crap in my life, I'm not about to have a man with the same shit. I don't wantthat shit back in my life, not in me not in my man. I am in no obligated to cater to his depression as I barely know him. I will not go and be fairy godmother to him. I am not a psychiatrist.
His job was renting a room out of an apartment for him. And now the workplace said they will stop renting. He was given a month of advance. What does he do? He just freaks out saying how life can fuck you over at any moment and everything is crashing down. How did he get so unlucky. Siiiiiiiiiiiiiiggghhhhh. We live in the second biggest fucking town in the country. He could find a new place within a day, if not that than definitely in the first week. He just gives up and whines how everything is so horrible. There literally is no problem. Not with the apartment anyway. But he's saying how he needs to go to the madhouse now cause life is so horrible cause of it. He says he needs to quit working too and move back home with parents or something. No but really, where is the drama here? What is the problem? I gave him the number to my old apartment where they had an empty room. And he didn't call them. He said that he had found "the ad" for it online and they had put a "different address" in there and they were "asking for more money". Um dude... you know, more than one place a renting places in this town and you just found a different ad. How in the world does that dude's mind even work? Does it even work!? He called me at 11pm one night. I didn't answer cause I knew it wasn't gonna be a nice chat and I didn't wanna hear him whine cause I just don't have to. Then the next day I asked him what he wanted, online. He started saying he just wanted to tell me how horrible everything is. No! I will completely cut him out of my life. I don't need this depressing shit. I dunno if he expects me to take his hand and walk him to a new apartment or what?! Fucking baby shit! H eliterally is not doing anything to find a new place. He just overdramatizes shit and does nothing. Fuck! You have a month to find a new place in the second biggest town in the country! How is that life fucking you over?! I do not have to deal with his childishness nor his inability to sort shit out. I literally do not need a man like this in my life. I am not his mother nor his therapist. I barely know him and I am not gonna listen to him whine cause I gave him the phone number to my old place, he didn't call them, not my problem, never was either. I didn't even have to give him the contact and I literally do not have to do anything else for him.

The second dude... well, apparently he never went to kindergarten. He dropped out of school. And he can't keep a job. He does like a few months in one place. How the fuck can you have a secure future with someone like that? Plus he says that he needs to drink alcohol to keep depression away. I tell him alcohol is a depressant. He says only when you're sad. Sure thing! Alcohol completely changes how it affects the body depending on your "mood". He said it was stupid to drink when you're already sad. But.. he said he needs to drink to keep depression away... and it's stupid to drink when you're already sad... dude, you said it yourself.

So if I don't have a baby with these two my standards are too high?

A sellout, this talent

I've been saying this for a long time now. And I knew it wouldn't be well received amongst generation z or people trying to cash in on them so I took a screenshiot before the ban:

Nothing I said was wrong. This is how things actually are. The gen z is is stupid cause they do have pseudoproblems and they're also stupid for not realizing businesses are simply exploiting their insecurities, using them against the people.

I just feel it's a waste of talent of the person who posted the first chapter. They're a talented person in what they do but they choose to exploit this irrelevant crap and choose money over integrity, morals and health. A sellout, this talent.

Love/Kodusoojus

So a while back I thought I made a cute pun.
Was on the phone with mum. She was talking about how she walked the dogs and how the snow hadn't melted on the roads but had melted in our yard.
I told mum, "Kodusoojus melted it". If it's not a cute pun then I don't know what is.

Also, I made myself chuckle with another pun of mine.
I had gone shopping with mum one day and bought new underwear. The panties had "Love" written on the waistband thingy. And when I put them on I realized I had gained so much weight from my med and no lie, I told myself, "The waistband says "Loooooooove" when I put these pants on". But I've gone down on the dosage so hopefully will have lost most of the gained weight... maybe by the end of the summer.

Also, I've been on antibiotics since thursday. Docycyline. I'm handling it okay. Amoxicillin was better. Had no effect from it at all, other than thrush after two weeks on it. But the Doxy kinda upsets my stomach a little and gives me digestion problems. But I can totally handle it right now. Hopefully it won't completely kill me. Have to be on it for a month.

You came, you conquered, you can leave now, bye

Okay. So I feel like shit. And it apparently is Lyme disease. That would explain my irregular or odd menstrual activity and itching I've had for a couple of years. And the horrible full moons. And now the "cold/flu".
*I've not had my voice for some days during the last five weeks. Have had a little sore throat but no voice.
*Occasional little fever
*Fatigue, extreme on a lot of days
*Shaky, unsteady legs, probably from fatigue
*Cloudy, tense and achy head
*Tired, achy eyes. Probably from the head symptoms
*Bad nausea occasionally
*Joint/nerve pains in the back of my right knee, on top of my left foot and in the right side of my chest, plus the pains I've had since my childhood - they can be muscle and joint pains. They come and go.
*General unwell feeling
*Occasional light headedness and feeling like passing out
*Extremely unbalanced in shower with eyes closed, have had it for a long time now

And then the menstruation problems. Excess spotting and bleeding. Pains which I thought were from endometriosis or cysts. And I get bladder issues too when I have those pains. I'm always peeing or feel like I need to pee.

Plus the itching which has probably been there the longest. Must have been my first symptom.

Also last year I took that ultimatum break from work cause of achy joints. The work load was hard but I reckon I would have been better had I not had the disease. I occasionally still get sore and stiff fingers and I do not really have that much pressure on my hands at all anymore.

On medication now. Doxycycline. Since thursday. It's giving my tum troubles already. But so far it's not the worst really. I take two a day. Started taking probiotics too. Have to be on the med for a month. As long as I get rid of Lyme and the med doesn't do any big damage to my body. I really do not plan to tackle this Lyme shit for the next decade. I've done my health battles with anxiety the last ten years. I'm done with health problems now. I'll take the med and the disease simply has to go after that. You came, you conquered, you can leave now, bye. You've done your piece, I accept it, move along. Don't be rude and overstay your welcome.  I accept you for what you are and you gotta accept me now. And me wants to live a normal, pain free, clear headed, physically energized life, thanks.

that event

So... !
Looks like my illness is from that event. It's been four weeks of cold or the flu. And now I'm thinking my itching problems could be from that too.

Day Off Hair

Cute or nah? :D