all I've done is die

Started my period today. Took a 1000mg of paracetamol and a no spa. Not even an ounce less pain! Fuck! Should have taken ibuprofen straight away. I thought since it makes you bleed more I shouldn't take it when on period but fuck... I'd rather bleed more than have this pain. I mean it's not gonna make me bleed to death ffs. Now I have to wait a few hours to take it and suffer through til that time. Tried to take a nap but someone was drilling something or...something.
The upside is, my mum's man came over today to help me put together the bed my landlord bought me. It's a long story, dunno if blogged before, but my back didn't want to let me sleep on the old bed so the landlord ended up buying a new one for me. Mum's man said it doesn't look like a very sturdy bed so hopefully it doesn't collapse when I'm in it.
Yesterday was super though. I worked at two places. Went in to my regular job to do extra work, for free. I just felt so productive yesterday. Thought of leaving one place for today but I was already spotting yesterday and I thought I'd start properly today and would be dying today and was right. So luckily I did everything yesterday. Today all I've done is die.
Should be better tomorrow.

TS5112017

Can I have it every night?

Yeah yeah I know I have the dream page but I had a dream I had sex with Matthew Gray Gubler and then with Shemar Moore. To my... dismay maybe?... Moore was better. Fuck! :D Gubler's the babe though. Great dream though. Can I have it every night?

I want a kid

My mom sent me this video of my 2 year old niece jentree watching a movie and crying because the dinosaur fell and lost his mom...my heart 😭 pic.twitter.com/sztF9ihQC9

— m (@emilybroderick) September 19, 2017

Waaah, I want to be pregnant now! I want a kid for myself. Look at how cute she is. I want one for myself.

what the shit do you want!?

Omg, I'm going fucking crazy! My back is so fucking annoying. I absolutely cannot sleep. My back gets so stiff and uncomfortable that it keeps me awake. It's my first night on my new mattress.
Before I thought it was my bed. So I moved the old mattress off the bed and slept on it, on the ground. Still no better. Then I figured it must be the mattress. Slept on the little chair pillow on the ground. Too hard, kept me awake, sore muscles. Then I put the chair pillow on the mattress-less bed and slept there. Very bad idea. Sore muscles. And now my apartment owner bought a new mattress and bed for me. The bed hasn't even arrived yet, I'm just sleeping on the new mattress and it's fucking keeping me awake! I have no fucking clue where and how to sleep. My back muscles get so uncomfortable, tense and sore. It used to be mainly on my lower back and now it's all over. And the painkillers obviously don't help against the tenseness and discomfort. There is absolutely nothing I can do! Just sit awake all night. It gets tense even when I just sit here, type on my laptop. It gets tense when I stand or move. Like what the shit do you want!?!?!?
I'm gonna take some diazepam hoping it'll knock me out enough to sleep for a few hours at least without waking up cause of the discomfort. And then I'll call the medical centre straight away for the neurologist. Or maybe I'll stay up til 8 and call, then try to go to sleep.

Oh yeah and my crazies have almost stopped since I took the pill on sunday.

have these crazy feelings right now

Ughh! I have these crazy feelings right now. It's like derealization or dizziness or just a feeling of passing out. It keeps coming on all the time. No surprise though. It's been exactly two weeks since my last... hit of my antipsychotic. Crazy withdrawal. Will take the pill later. Ugh, feels so horrible.

The doc prescribed gabapentin instead of olanzapine. Just to see if I can go over to that. She said gabapentin should be a lot easier to go off of. Also normally she said, she would just replace olanzapine - a really strong antipsychotic, with a lighter antipsychotic. But said I don't actually have anything psyche wise wrong with me to be on those pills so the ebst idea for me would be to go off of it. I was only put on the pill for severe nausea induced by anxiety. The pill is also given to chemo therapy patients when they start feeling sick or get severely sick.
I mean, olanzapine is the only pill that has ever taken away my nausea but in general I'm a lot better so I don't need it anymore. Just gotta somehow get off of it. I don't have the time to ride out the withdrawal symptoms cause they get so bad I can't function but I need to work. So another way has to be found. And there's no telling how long the symptoms would last so I can't take time off work either for this.

Ughh...I'll just go off now to feel sick and crazy.