feels like capital punishment gone wrong and I'm somewhere in between

Well, turns out, as said on 2nd of July, I am scary.
Today I scared my little brother. Properly like.
We were on our way to the shop when I got my crazies. I had to get off the bike, cause I was unable to ride it,or even walk or talk. I managed to tell my brother to go to the shop alone. I just told him, I wanna sit on the ground and keep the money for something worthwhile.
So I sat down and had my crazy on properly.I was trying to look as normal as possible when the brother was around. He was off to the shop. Came back with a bottle of water I asked him to buy me. I said he can go home, I'll sit on the ground. So I was sat there with thoughts and head insides rumbling around in my skull.
I was desperate to get home to take my Valium drops.
When I thought I was slightly feeling better, I made my way towards home.

Half way there, my mother came to check on me on the brother's bike. I just dropped my own bike, got the hysterics and told the mother to bring my bike home.
I walked home myself. Quick.
Well, when I got home I suppose I was feeling okay.
I was just surprised the anxiety attack didn't last that long and that I was able to calm down without my drops. The whole evening I've been waiting for it to get worse but it feels quite normal at the minute.
I've just been downstairs, asking my brother for the sweets he bought himself.
He said he didn't have the time to buy something for himself.
That shows he was freaked out cause he would never not buy sweets when he has the chance and money.
Plus, the mother said he looked weirded out when he got home alone.
Oh well, I guess you cannot expect an 11-year-old to understand an anxiety disorder when even grown ups don't get it.
It's not about getting a little nervous or being completely crazy but right now it totally affects my whole life and keeps me a prisoner. And it feels like capital punishment gone wrong and I'm somewhere in between.
I've got no idea why exactly it happened cause I hadn't had a bad one like that for quite a while.
I'm thinking it could have been cause I was really excited about applying for courses or it could have been the weather change or that I messed up and took a double dose of my morning pill.

one man less

So today was an interesting day.
The first half I felt really bad anxiety.
Then my mother got home from work.
I was wearing this random "revealing" top and had a nip slip.
I didn't see anything myself, it was only when my mother noticed it and laughed at "a zit of some sort on my chest". Well, that means my small tit.
So, later on we took the dogs swimming. We had this stick with us we throw in the water for dogs.
So the stick was in the water near the bank and my mother went to fetch it, I held her hand so she wouldn't fall in the water. Well... and then I pushed my mother in the water :D
She tried to pull me down with her but I kept shouting "I'm on my period!"
I was half way in anyway. She got wet all over.

Oh and then I found out I've been with one man less than my mother. Well, three or four less, depending on what you count in and what's left out.

TS01072011

the sky turned pitch black and the moon appeared to be torn to shreds

Oh dear. This unbearably hot weather is causing nightmares.
Last night I had a dream of the end of the world.
I remember seeing it very vividly when the sky turned pitch black and the moon appeared to be torn to shreds. It was weird cause the sun seemed to become "extinct" but it's the one illuminating the moon.
I remember I just kept on rambling about killing myself cause I was too scared to go through the whole thing alive.
Hm, I think the feeling and situation can be applied to my current feeling about life and situation.
Speaking of applying... I'll be applying for some university courses later on today. Will see how all that goes.
I don't understand why it's so necessary to put singing abilities as crucial everywhere. Singing can hardly be associated with music. Fuck, I wanna do traditional music and instruments and I have to fucking sing!
I. do. not. sing.
It's like, say you wanna be a chef and the university tells you to kill a lion with your two bare hands. Like, lion is meat and it's food and you wanna be chef. It's exactly like that with doing music and singing. Not everyone's a fucking singer but might be really good at playing some instrument or composing and they cannot do it cause you have to fucking sing.

I'm scary, bitches!

Ugh, what a horrible day it was. Well, most of it. The rest of it was great.
It was too hot for me. I couldn't breathe properly for the most of the day.
When the sun was setting it got a bit better. I even mowed the lawn and hung out with my brother and his friend. Took the dogs swimming and then went for a bike ride.
Man, I saw this frog belly up on the road. I went over to check on it and it was still alive. My heart broke.

Oh and my mother forgot to buy me pills. She was so scared of me giving out to her she didn't come up to my room to say hello as she usually does when she gets home from work. Ha! I'm scary, bitches!

My mother's been looking at flats in Tartu.We might be moving soon since the mother and her man are... pretty much over and done.
Even my brother asked the mother today when this how-d'ye-do is gonna end. We'll see.

something that looks like a dandelion but is not

Had I known better I never would have been stung by a bee. I was walking in shamrock and didn't think it has flowers. Well, I was wrong. My mother loves shamrock so much she didn'tmow the lawn where it was growing (the tiny bit at the left side is the mowed lawn):

Yeah and had I known better I wouldn't have eaten strawberries that give me hives. I'm quite convinced that my immune system is a lil weak cause of the antidepressants I'm taking and that's why I had the fever when the bee stung me and the allergic reaction to strawberries.. I've quit eating the ones growing in the garden but I gathered some wild ones today and I just had to eat them:

Took the dogs for a run and saw this pretty yellow flower:

I'm thinking they're all weeds but the flowers are nice, like the purple ones. I didn't recoginse it while taking the pic but on the left side there's a flying bee:

This is an old farm building I believe.

That's our old shed/garage. My mother's (ex-)man says it's only matter of days before the thing collapses:

I dunno how my body will react to all the berries you can eat in the summer butI'm gonna eat them anyway. These ones here will go red soon:

And then something that looks like a dandelion but is not:


Yeah... so July is gonna be a bit boring since my doc is on her holiday. I don't really have any reasons to go to Tartu now. Although I'm thinking of meeting up with some girls on my forum. Dunno whether I'll go or not.
Speaking of... ugh, I cannot wait to be done with the pink look for the forum cause I've been doing it for forever. At least I've been able to stay away from the place for quite a while or... for limited activities.