It turns out I'm living in fear. I kinda always knew it but things get slightly better when I admit to it, out loud.
Back when I lived in Ireland and was seeing my psychologist and I was whining about life and always feeling sick. I said the always feeling down and sick business was taking up so much of my time, energy and life and everything pretty much revolved around it and my life was shitty. She then asked me what good things I could name when it came to feeling sick, what were the benefits. I said I hated my job at the time and when feeling sick I didn't have to go to work. So....it wasn't like I stayed home and felt super great and did fun shit, I still felt sick but I guess it was a benefit, not going to work.
So now I'm thinking what do I benefit out of feeling sick now. I've been unable to eat for about three/four weeks now and that stops everything else cause I cannot do anything besides concentrate on feeling sick and weak. Anyway, today when talking to my stepmother about it I asked myself what are the benefits of feeling sick now. Everything seems to be fine and I just cannot eat. The only thing I have to do right now is study for my exams. So it's only logical that my mind got fucked up and messed up my stomach so I would feel sick and wouldn't be able to study cause studying and exams make me nervous and anxious. I swear, this body!!!!
I'm most definitely not going back to hospital cause they'll just force me to eat there and chant "eat, eat, eat, quicker, quicker, quicker" and it won't help at all. And I'm most definitely not seeing any psychologists either cause they don't help. At all. Not me anyway.
What I'm doing is I'm going...really for real now, back on Xanax and see what that does to me. Plus I'm also taking Omeprazole for my stomach.
Yeah...oh and I hung out with my father today. He managed to piss me off in the morning but...meh. And think it was yesterday when he walked into my room in the morning and closed the window! And later on during the day he walked into the room again and said my room was cold and he closed the window! It also happened this morning and later on he walked in again and I said, "I'm not cold, leave it open". Ughhhhhhh. THE WINDOW AND MY FATHER!!!!!
Anyways, he got out his own bike today which means me and the stepmother can go riding together! Whoop!
I peddled down to our garden where he was already working. Well, kinda. We just stood there and looked at wet potatoes laying on the ground, drying in the sun. We have a basement in the garden and now that the snow is thawing there's puddles everywhere, bodies of water overflowing and basements flooded. Well, since it happened last year aswell the parents took most of the stuff out before the snow started melting. Only one box of carrots drowned.
Yeah so we were just standing there and talking. I had taken one Xanax so I was pretty chilled when he started preaching. He also told me about his tough life in the Russian army in the seventies. He said he was almost killed two, three times. And that he was at the Chinese or Japanese border with his...military group. Whatever those things are called. He said there were many people killed amongst the army men. I was really surprised, like how are you supposed to trust your life into those people's hands when they can't even cope amongst themselves, let alone in a battle/war with some other country. Oh and he was in the army for two years.
Then after the chat he chopped some branches and twigs off of trees while I tried to hide from the cold wind and warm self in the sun.
When he was done I sawed the branches and twigs into smaller bits while he was walking around assessing the land. Then we cycled home and went for a little drive around town. In a car like. It freaked me out so much. I swear it took like two minutes and I was weeping. I just cannot be in any form of machine with an engine. Blah.
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