Today I see myself as a child of time, but I may become a child of eternity

So yesterday was yet another crappy day.
I went to Tartu cause I was gonna see a therapist.
For whatever reason I got really bad anxiety. So me and my mum (I was at mother's workplace since my appointment was in the evening at 7) went to the hospital in hopes (or fears) of me being stuck in the madhouse again.Well, they didn't cause they had no vacant places. Hm.... ?
Yeah anyway, my anxiety was really really bad. Ikept telling my mother how I wanted to die. And I've been telling her that countless times and she always pushes it back. She says that kinda talk is stupid and she doesn't wanna hear it. She also says that it's her business cause she gave me life. Well, why doesn't she go ahead and live it for me then?! It's cause she can't. I should be able to do it. But since I'm not I don't wanna do it. And so I keep telling her I wanna die and I'm not waiting for anything to happen in my life. I've lost every kind of interest. I just wanna die. And when we got to the psychologist in the evening I told her I didn't wanna like... kill myself to hurt myself or get attention so people would take me more seriously. I said I really do want to die cause I've had enough of everything. I don't believe my health will get better and I have no interest in getting better anyway and I don't wanna do anything to get better, I just wanna die and that's final.
I think I've talked about it in my blog earlier but seriously, I don't understand how and why it's so hard for people to accept death. No one can avoid it, it has happened many many times before, it still happens now, in abundance and will happen in the future and not just people, to all living things. It's so natural. You just cannot deny it. Okay, I'm young, 25 and I haven't got the things out of life most people dream about and achieve and I have the life for it and a future with potential opportunities but I'm allowed to want what I want. And I want to die, I've accepted it.
And things have gone so bad that I can't even talk about things that seriously bother me. The anxiety is unbearable and I choose my right to choose, I choosemy choice in life - death. If I startedfighting against death aswell then my life would be a hundred times worse than it already is now. So by accepting death and being all for it right here and now makes me happy.
Anyway, I found this glorious article while surfing the petition site and it pretty much sums up my thoughts plus it's very well written:

Death isn’t about what I possess but about what I can become. Today I see myself as a child of time, but I may become a child of eternity. I see my place here on Earth, but I may be on a journey to the universe. Human beings have a deep intuition that our destiny is infinite, but we fear death because it tests our wishes and dreams.
We fear to be tested because if we turn out to be wrong, then all our aspirations feel empty. Dying isn’t more real than any other moment, but it is more definitive. No matter how rich and gifted you are, death is the great equalizer.
For the after life to have meaning, it has to be fully as satisfying as this life. Bringing money, power, sex, family, achievement, and physical pleasure to an end is not a trivial thing. Much that we love and depend on will be extinguished when this life comes to an end. And yet we can bring something to that moment.
Grace, calm, a patient acceptance of what’s to come: These are all qualities that can be cultivated, and when they are, death is a test we will not fail. Our fault is not that we fear death but that we don’t respect it as a miracle.
The most profound subjects–love, truth, compassion, birth and death–are equal. They belong to our destiny but also to our present life. Ultimately the goal here is to bring death into the present and thereby make it equal to love.

Adapted from Life After Death: The Burden of Proof, by Deepak Chopra (Harmony Books, 2006).

Original article