hate this term! But lol

I fucking hate this term! But lol

No biggie!

Okay, last night I bawled. Cause my friend had had a miscarriage. I didn't cry for her but just about the thought of (me) having a miscarriage. Fuck, must be the most horrible thing ever.
And when I found out she had had it she said the doctor had told her it was a "natural selection". Okay, I've always known doctors were stupid assholes but this bitch takes the cake. I've been fuming ever since the weekend over this. If some bitch ass cunt called the death of my child a "natural selection" I'd fucking sue! What is this retarded excuse of a doctor and human being!?!? You can call your own kids natural selections if you don't give a fuck about them but other people do care about their children, waaaaaaaaaay more than to call their deaths natural selection. Fuck what a cunt!
I also found out they don't start investigating until you've had like 3 or 4 miscarriages cause apparently it's all natural and okay to lose a child. No biggie! It's just natural selection. I mean if you take it this pragmatically then all your child really needs when it's out of the womb is some food... and that's it. It's all you have to do. Just keep it alive somehow and it can take care of it itself with everything else. If you teach the fucker how to cook at the age of 2 or 3 you can pretty much move the shit out and get it off your back. If it dies, it just natural selection. I mean you can't actually care about and for your child cause you'd be fucking with nature apparently and the medical system.

Yeah but she's pregnant again. And so is another girl I know. Yeah and I'm apparently growing a polyp in my uterus. Will be going to the doc for that next tuesday. They will take more samples and blood aswell I was told. Then I can also have another ultrasound to be sure I have the polyp. If I don't have another ultrasound then I'll just have the surgery but like....why go under anaesthesia when it's not even a sure thing!?

This would be a good transition to talk about my GP and her antibiotics business but I'm so done with this crap right now.

blurting

 Today. Me and mum saw a paired up line of kindergarten kids taking a walk with their teachers at the start and end of the line. One of the little girls was walking around with her pants around her ankles. It's already cold in Tartu, like autumn-y but sunny, so she was wearing thicker pants, the ones that were around the ankles, and pink little leggings underneath. She just gave no fucks at all. Kept on walking like nothing was wrong. She was so cute. I blurted out "one girl is pantsless". And nobody knew who cause there were so many kids. And I blurted it out again and then the teacher at the back of the line saw the girl. She said, "Kristel, how can you walk around like that!? Can you not feel your pants are down?". Me and mum were past them already but I assume the teacher pulled her pants up. I later felt bad for blurting out what I said in front of everybody but I don't think the girl cared cause...she literally kept smiling and walking with those pants.

Um...

That awkward moment when you haven't seen someone in a long time and you meet them randomly and tell them your health history and then to be polite you jokingly ask, "So, how's your health? You not pregnant or anything?" and they say, "Well, actually I am." Um...

I like

So yeah been a while.
Been to doctor a lot. Blood tests were fine. Typical. Urine showed some inflammation. Lung x-rays were fine. Did new blood tests and poop one, didn't ring in yet. The GP thinks I might have Lyme disease. Yeah no. She wanted to put me on antibiotics for a month, even without testing me first. Okay then.
Yeah I have like a fuckton of symptoms which I've been mentioning for months now on this blog. Been listing them to doctors too many times lately to repeat them here. I mean it's all cause of olanzapine but whatever...
Just waiting for the 3rd of october to know more about my polyp surgery. Maybe then the bleeding/spotting will stop.

Yeah, think it was the last weekend I put my cactus babes back in pots. Hopefully will be better this time. I got sand from the Anne canal beach. And gravel from my mum's man's work place. Won't water them for forever now. And when I do, I bought the spray bottle for them, I will be using it cause I was advised to. Just to like water the surface.

Been seeing the Core Guy a few times. He's still scared as ever. Little virgin.

Um yeah and got an extra little cleaning job on wednesdays and fridays/weekends. Didn't go in yesterday. Was out on town with mum. Cleaned today. Was nice. I like.
And when I got home from work I re-assembled my room. My back has been giving me serious stiffness and weirdness from the bad bed. Sleeping on the matress now. The bed kinda like concaves in the middle and you end up sleeping in a horrible position. So now I have a bed in a form of a matress on the floor and and extra place to sit in my room in the form of a foldable bed/sofa. Again, I like. Hopefully I'll sleep better, back wise.

Oh I got a new winter jacket too. Yay! It's dark blue. The sleeves are a little short but just gotta wear gloves.

The babes are out

The babes are out:

So they're still not doing great. Will leave them like thsi for a few days, then replant. I need a good soil for them. Where I will get it I have no idea.

Also. I said I had a hemorrhoid. Plus I'm spotting. Plus I've been getting bruises a lot in the last few months.
June 20th:

 August 27th:

September 10th:

My arms are clear right now. Oh and a sidenote, never mind my ugly skin texture and stretch marks. It's cool, okay!?
The bruises are not cool though.
Think I posted a pic or two before of my bruises. And this, by faaaaaaaaaaarrr, is not all. Maybe I mentioned it but at one point I counted, I had 17, 18 different bruises on one leg. The thigh ones, when counting, would be concidered as one. So there has been 17, 18 of those on my legs. Most of them a little smaller, but it's still alot for the same time and "without any reason".
Now I'm convinced all of that crap is going on cause of the antipshychotic I'm weening off. Talked to my stepmum. She said it could be my liver that's not producing enough...whatever the fuck it was called. Think it just means my blood doesn't properly coagulate or something. I don't even fucking know.
Will go do a full blood panel on tuesday. Could also be my thyroid. Went to see the therapist this week, she still doesn't believe the pill affects the body. Cool story.
Called my psychiatrist. She wants to swap Olanzapine for something else, Fluanxol. Another antidepressant. Doubt it'll make a difference. I just can't get off Olanzapine. I can go without maybe like 10 days or so. And when I take it I start spotting the next day. Lasts about a week. Then a few days it's all good. Then I have to take the pill again, and I start spotting again.
Yeahhh.... hope it'll all work out.

What's for lunch?

x

 :D :D
 

Penny the 10 pound female dog

:D :D an old conversation on tumblr

Go away!

Everything fucking sucks right now. I'm so out of energy and motivation it's fucking unreal. And I feel sick often. Is it the olanzapine withdrawal? Who the fuck knows!
What I think the consensus is of me feeling sick at night, like in the last blog entry, is that I trigger myself.
Last time for some reason I was intensely thinking of puking and I had the worst anxious night.
Last evening I watched some pregnancy update video on youtube and got really broody but thought I'd be a fucking sick mess if I was to ever fall pregnant. Thought about puking and being sick again. And sure enough, had the worst fucking night last night. Still feel like crap.
And then last wednesday or something I got a fucking hemorrhoid! Still have it. Go away! It's been an outer one but now I'm feeling soreness on the inside aswell. Fucking fun times!
And then just today I got my gynecologist test results. I have been spotting for about a month now. Thought it was cause of olanzapine, some hormonal stuff. Well, no change in cells in cervix, no inflammation but I might have a polyp. That means I gotta have surgery. Fuck!
Yeah I have another consultation on October 3rd so it'll be a while.

Yeah and everything with men is over. Especially BFM. It's been like a week now that it's all completely over. It's... over. I really had to shut myself down emotionally. And now I'm not interested in anyone. Did watch The Core with the Core Guy but since I'm so shut off and health wise not motivated or energized at all, I'm not sure I'm interested in anything. Haven't told him that yet.

Ugh yeah, that's where I'm at.