I'm seriously done being your host

College is getting closer and closer. I sooooo hope the anxiety won't butt in. Okay, miss, you've been in my life all of my time here on the planet and for the last two years you've majorly affected my life on al levels and dragged me to the bottom of all lows. I think it's only fair that you back off now and let me live my life. I'm seriously done being your host so please leave this body and let it thrive for once and for all.

She is woman

Aawww, Lady B's expecting!
She's so wonderful and everything I'd ever like to be.
She is woman.

And at the same time Gaga dresses up as a bum man and scares the living hell out of Brit and puts her damn feet on the piano. Bravo, Gaga, bravo... congrats on... achieving... whatever you wanted to achieve. Go home now! Will someone in Hollywood please punch her for me.

Paradoxical!

Ah. This has happened to me on many occasions. Hurting is never discussed though, just anger.

Oh man, this picture is so me. This is how I see the world.

Ahahahaa....this is so good.

Successful easy way out

If I ever sent letters I'd sed this to a lot of things/people/situations/subjects-objects

Well, some need a mouse to make art.

Well, my sign would read "Love to let"

Aahahahahaaaaa...so much win in this pic!

That's what it's all about - balance, harmony

Totally my motto when it comes to work

Well, it sounds nice at first but then you start thinking about it and it turns kinda....well..

1) Seeing is not something you do with agenda, you just do it, naturally. Looking is something you do deliberately. So... what matters is your attitude, how you look at it no matter what the subject looks like.

Ahahahaa, this si too good!

True, true. It's called thriving.

Even truer. Plus, gotta love my bike.

Truest.

So, there was some fuckwad who complained about Kevin McHale being an ablebodied dude portraying a disabled person. Well, I got pissed off when readin about someone giving out bout the K but I know where he's coming from. Like, Glee is shit and portrayes shit for views but also...this pic for example. It irritates me. It's supposed to be like arsty or whatever but anyone who knows anything about playing the violin can see she is holding the bow at a wrong place on the violin, the angle is off, plus the hand on the violin is in a very awkward position. You cannot play it like that. So this pic is a major fail.

Well, if we're looking at life like that then I feel like I'm a critic watching a preview.

Hahaha, I bet the pigeon snatched the book from a politician or a doctor.

Clever, but what about fighting fire with fire? Or is that too conservative these days?

Ahahaha, the best of the best!

Well, going back to the fighting fire with fire business. So basically, hating or not tolerating a certain race or sexuality is wrong. But not tolerating or hating the intolerance or hatred of a sexuality or race is fair and noble?! Paradoxical!

Simple and cute.

Depending on the fear, this could be the key to a happy life. In my case,it would. But, being scared seems a little safer at the minute.

Well, well... let's see. An apple doesn't get the chance to pick where it grows on the tree or when it falls off.
If the tree doesn't have enough water and nutrients, it drops fruit. If the fruit is ripe, the tree drops the fruit. Basically, the one's on the ground are either the best or just drop outs from the "society". In this case Pete Wents says if life gets you down you're rotten, fucked up by worms (I guess men then) and easy and not worth loving. But if you're born into high society you're the shit and getting a girl like that is such a glory to your ego as a man. Well said, Pete!

somewhat melancholy, bittersweet

I meant to write about it earlier but didn't...
I quite like August. The harvesting of crops is somewhat melancholy, bittersweet.
So far I like August and April.


TS26082011

Me, anxiety, relationship, boyfriend.

Well well. This thing came up today. As well as two days ago at the doctor's.
Me, anxiety, relationship, boyfriend.
The more I think about it, the more it occurs to me that it was partly my anxiety that broke us up.
From the very first days I became severly sensitive. I'd cry over anything. This I've got from quite a few lads that I'm "too soft", "a softie".
I never make big scenes but... just cry in the corner.

Yeah and then came the times when I'd get overly emotional when the bf went tovisit his mum over the weekend. I'd ball my eyes out when he left and cried again when he got back. The meeting again was a bit worse cause I'd get shaky and sicky feeling in the stomach. Plus the boyfriend noticed it aswell but back then neither of knew it was anxiety. He confronted me about it saying that it seems I only feel sick when he's around. He was right. But I lied and said I feel sick always. I couldn't tell him I randomly start feeling sick when he comes around.
And then all of the nights I'd spend awake when he was gone. I absolutely couldn't sleep when he wasn't by my side. Hence I took quite the liking to Craig David's Insomnia when I once managed to fall asleep watching telly and then waking up in the middle of the night to this song.
Yeah and when we broke up I said I didn't have the energy for anyone else. And granted he was annoyed with it and didn't get it but I couldn't explain it any other way either. My feelings were rather confusing.

Yeah so when talking to the doctor I told her I wasn't really looking for anyone at the minute cause I still don't feel like I have spare energy for someone else. But I'm not worried about finding someone either cause I know if I wanted I'd get whoever I wanted. Ha!:D

Here I am looking like a... person who looks horrible with glasses

So, I've been taking a new pill - Zalasta - an antipsychotic. Helps me eat. Apparently I do have an eating disorder but it's not about body image. I'm like, absolutely terrified of getting sick so my psyche works in a way it thinks it's helping me. It makes me stop eating so I don't have anything to up chuck. How is that helping me again!? Luckily I haven't lost any weight. Well, I did a while ago when I weighed about 55 kg and before that I weighed about 62. Well, right now, just today I weighed 59 so whoop! :D
Oh and I got a hold of my mum's glasses. Here I am looking like a... person who looks horrible with glasses. These are the best pics anyway. And never mind my hair, I washed my hair two days ago and I haven't brushed in months. :D

a bitch is a bitch

Ahahaaa. Ooooh, I'm a troll!
Well, the thing is I signed up on this god awful dog forum to ask why our dog Donna rolls around on foul smelling things. First response was by their moderator who posted this random snarky comment and other cunts followed.
A very warm and welcoming people, just makes you fucking love dogs.

They all made sure I wasn't wanted there because I said if we don't solve the problem the dog will be put down or given away. And obviously those retards got on my back. So when I said something back I was "insulting" them. And when one fat-ass shitfaced cunt-whore said they wish I went away I said I have the same right to be there as them and that was concidered as backseat moderating.

And they obviously didn't like my photos I posted on there so they called it trolling.

Well, since I have quite a bit of time in my hands right now I'm gonna properly terrorise the forum and show them what all those things actually mean. Thank a goddess for dynamic IP!

Luckily I will forever and ever hate dogs and dog people. I mean, a bitch is a bitch.

COTD - Aphrodite///Level myself with the "divine"

Are the cards giving me fashion tips? The question was about my health and college, how I will get on. I also got Freya before which makes me think I just gotta give my all and be the bitch, about my health and life and just go do it. Or maybe level myself (dunno if anyone can actually say so) with the "divine".

Even if things will turn to shit, at the minute the look at my future life seems pretty nice

Woohoo. Just got off the phone with a lady from adoption service.
Well, the thing is, I'm scared to apply for the benefit of disabled persons cause I'm thinking I might not be able to adopt a kid later in life. But the woman said it's very individual and people who are in wheelchairs or have bad diabetes have adopted so.... it depends on my criminal record and on the valuation a psychiatrist gives me when I'm applying for an adoption.
So, tomorrow I'll go and file in the benefit. Plus buy a few things for college.
And I started thinking.... the college building is right next to the madhouse so.. even if I have to go to hospital I'd demand to go to college during the day.
Everything's pretty good at the minute. Even if things will turn to shit, at the minute the look at my future life seems pretty nice.

COTD - Green Tara, Nemetona, Ostara

Well, back to my card business. It's all about my health and college. So, I told my stepmother yesterday I'm gonna start meditating and shit. Have to get on with it cause there's only two weeks left in August and then... COLLEGE!
Yeah, the father and stepmother visited us yesterday. They brought my winter clothes that I had left behind when I moved to Tartu.
Uggghghhhhhh, I sooooo hope my anxiety will let me study.
Plus yesterday it kinda came out that I'm pretty much addicted to my pills and have no indipendance (sp). Like, whenever I feel I'm getting my looney on I rely on my pills to make me feel better. I supress my anxiety.
Anyway...there's like a camp/fieldtrip type of thing before college where you get to meet all the new students and get to know the courses and the buildings and student life and I really wanna go there. So... again, I hope the anxiety won't  butt in.

Mother August decided to make all plants ripe and harvestable

Dog people suck dog dick.
Stupid cunts.

Okay, I gotta find something to do... Gardening is my thing but Mother August decided to make all plants ripe and harvestable around here.

Plus a few days ago I went on an antipsychotic, in addition to my two antidepressants.Apperently the antipsychotic is to treat eating disorders. I think the "stomach bug" I had was cause of anxiety, not a virus.
Although I may have had some sort of a virus cause I did have fever.

How many faces have you got, dude?

How many faces have you got, dude? Is it cause you're a Gemini or just cause you're a horrible person or one who doesn't know what he's saying?

She is such A bitch, I always thought she was THE bitch but no.

And I continue to loathe men.
Like, last night my mother's man piped up when I didn't bring down my mum's mobile phone. Like,how she has to do everything for me and I can't even bring my phone downstairs for her.

Okay, I remember very clearly a few weeks ago when they had a fight cause he put her down in public and because my mother was sick of taking care of my brother's troubles alone, without his input as a father and a supporting partner. And here he is sticking his stupid paternal nose into business it doesn't belong!!! A business of a mother and daughter whose father he isn't, a business between two women. Plus, he so fucking selfishly denies there is any kind of anxiety or depression in the world. Plus, my mother, being the pig whipped lady she is agreed that there is no such thing, it's all stupidity.
I cannot believe we're back on the same business we were at when I was 17.
And yet again my mother continues to stick with him, showingly and just today she said everything in the house, like problems, is my fault.
She is just soooooo pig whipped, total pussy.
Okay, I totally can be a pain in the butt with my anxiety and bad health cause I have zero drive and energy to do anything but that doesn't mean I'm to blame for all the misunderstandings in the house.
So the first thing is, the mother's man obviously has no idea what he's talking about. As long as he thinks he reigns my mother everything's cool, whether it's putting her down in public or putting me down for not doing what my mother tells me to.
Secondly, he thoroughly and utterly fails to understand the position, condition I'm in. And my mother fails to understand that and blaims me for the negative stuff in the house. It's only because at the minute he has more, stronger energy than me. And yeah... when they had their fight and his fucking friend was doing all the shit talking for him and when I butted in to protect my mother, she said "we'll fight this thing together. Whatever happens we will always stick together.We're thick as fucking thieves, we have such special fucking bond". Yeah, I guess she meant when shit gets tough between her and her man not between me and him.

Ugh... I'm just so appalled at the fact how weak my mother is. She is such a bitch, I always thought she was the bitch but no.
And I'm just left pondering over what makes her such a bitch. She must feed off of her man's tyranny.
Plus she says, I'm in a phase of self-pitty. Well, maybe but I've never been so deomnstrative about it as she was when she had her thing with the man.
Unbelievable.
Also, I'm still surprised over the fact that I crave some sort of a connection with my mother. It's weird. I think what attracts me is the lack of emotional bond between reality and human mind. Like, when shit gets tough for me she acts as if it doesn't matter and I'm stupid and it's all my imagination and it somehow comforts me. Not her attitute but just the chance that it really might be just my thinking about my problems that makes shit hard for me. I might be gullible, over emotional and shit but I know for sure now that I cannot depend on my mother. You can only interact with her when you're stronger than her, emotionally and most of my life I haven't been and I'm mostdefinitely notit now and not so much because of the stuff that's going on with her, her man and me butmy own shit.

*holds hands up* I don't need no man

Well, if I didn't feel like shit, still then today would be one of the best ever days of my life.
So mylaptop was on the fritz for a few days. I couldn't start the thing. And now *holds hands up* I don't need no man to fix stuff for me cause I somehow fixed it - went through all the things I had an access to and recovered my system. I lost everything I had on my computer before but meh. At least it's working.
Plus, I just found out I got into college. Woohoo!
Already had an argument with my mother cause she was already being all negative towards the whole thing. Like, I was so9 happy when I rang her and she brought me down. Flat out, like. So, I told her I know she wants me to be a baker like her and have the kind of look at life like her man, that women are stupid and whores and aren't allowed to be happy.
Well, whatever, as I've said before she absolutely defies anything womanly so...blah. I hung up on her twice cause I don't want anything to ruin this happy time for me. Even if I won't be able to go and actually study, whatever the reason then, financial or health wise, I'm just happy about the fact.
I just need to find out how much it costs so...I can get back to my stepmother and dad cause they seemed a little more enthusiastic about it all.

Ugh, I so hope I don't have an ulces or anything like it. I've felt super sick for like... about two weeks now and no medicine helps.

He's so horribly two faced. Yuck!

Kevin McHale with the "don't-make-me-do-this-again/worst-thing-ever-happened-to-me" Rebecca Black

Ughhhhhh, why on earth does he crawl in the same pic with her if he so hates her!? He's soooo full of it, it's unreal! Such a shame. All nice packaging and absolutely nothing but shit inside. He's so horribly two faced. Yuck!

Weird!

Oh my god. Kevin McHale said his family is from county Mayo, Ireland.
My first ever and only Irish boyfriend was from county Mayo. Plus his star sign was Gemini aswell. :D
Weird!

Oh and other than that,my laptop broke, I have a stomach bug and Donna's gone. She was so scared to go she literally came and sat on my lap so that the others couldn't take her away.
When I get my laptop working and feel better I'll add pics.

Sorries and thank Yous

Sorries and thank Yous.
Sincerely.
Scared.

Well. I didn't get into college. It's okay.

Well. I didn't get into college. It's okay.
But I gotta find some random course now or just an activity for the academic year.
And I will try to do my secondary school leaving cert again next year.