on a sunday at 12, once a month

Shit, I need to pee. Again. That's like the third time today. I hate peeing. Why can't all the relieving take place on a sunday at 12, once a month.

a bad version of a feminist

Shit, my ex is so nice! I did the right thing by waiting til forever to have a boyfriend. He's a real catch. His gf is a lucky one! I'm not jealous or angry or anything. And the weird feeling is gone as well.

I also said I wasn't a feminist. Think I'm a misandrist. Although that's probably a bad version of a feminist.

Thanks, I feel better now

So I just found out my ex has a new girl. Made me feel a bit weird. Eventhough I was the one who dumped his ass. Five years ago. But then luckily my new guy started talking to me. Thanks, I feel better now.

My mother's evolving!

My mother's evolving! She made a Facebook account and watches YoutTube tutorials of how to knit socks.
I made an account on FB myself. Again. We'll see how long I'll last this time.

I always like fucking run there

Okay, looks like I don't have digestive problems I complained about a couple of days ago. Think I have something wrong with either my uterus or left ovary. Get weird sharp pains in there.

Yeah and I don't wanna go to my mum's house. Normally I always like fucking run there but I know when I go there I'm gonna have to get up early in the mornings and work all day. Damn, I'm a lazy fuck!

sleeping is cool and everything but...

Like sleeping is cool and everything but... I don't wanna miss out on the daytime. Woke up at 4:30pm and now feel like sleeping some more. Ugh. Was supposed to go to mum's place today but I deliberately slept in.

What the hell!?

Ugh...think I have diarrhea again. What the hell!? Woke up with pains in my abdomen.

manky

lol I'm a teetotaler! I guess I just look manky.

I can hear everything

I might be a sad nolifer browsing the interwebs at 3am but at least I'm not out washing my car like this one chap. And the chap from last night.
Yeah they built a self serving car wash close to my house and I can hear everything at this hour.

just the cutest

Aren't these just the cutest!? I'm obsessed with them. They're new lights for my bike. I like the sling thingy and how easily they're placed and removed. Try to steal my batteries now, shitwheel!

Oh and today was a good day. Went to the shop twice without the trolley. The first time, my therapist waited for me at the entrance but the second time I was alone. Whoop! Even if I experience set backs I'm happy about these last couple of years and especially the last few months when I've been able to go to shops almost anxiety free.

I don't wanna see this shit!

God damn. I dunno what has happened to my laptop but it sucks. For some reason the adblock thingy isn't working anymore. Like, when I go on the sexy dating website all I see is ads with freaking dildos and jiggly boobs in them. I don't wanna see this shit!
Other than that... I've been in town and it's heavenly to sleep in til three or four in the afternoon. :)

Michael Clifford's touch

I hope I live to see the day when touch, taste and smell can be experienced via computers. Hopefully it'll happen next year cause I really need to experience Michael Clifford's touch ASAP.

TS08122015

I'm not a machine

I meant to complain last night but dunno what stopped me. Fuck this storm in Estonia. I rode to Tartu this morning and was going against the wind all the way. Man, so annoying, like "Fuck you wind, stop blowing so fucking hard, I'm not a machine".
Yeah I couldn't wait to get to down to indulge in chocolate and crisps and shit. But now... I'm craving everything and have bought everything but have no appetite. Fuck PMS!

What a sad life I live

What a sad life I live when I go through it as a woman without any boobs. Like... I'm a woman, why can't I enjoy all things feminine!?

No sex!

Ugh I loathe this type of attitude. It's the third time he's done it. Like, he only agrees to be in a relationship with me so he can get his leg over. For some reason he thinks that if I say yes to a relationship I'm gonna sleep with him straight away. Shit! I should play him! Tell him okay and then drag him along for a couple of months then dump his ass. No sex!

The beautiful blues

Oh man. When I don't live with my father, he's an excellent guy! The father's fam was over today to celebrate my birthday. Was super nice. And Tädi Iira gave me blue flowers!!! She remembered I liked them blue!

Fam

With dad

The beautiful blues

I feel so poorly

Oh shit. I'm officially properly ill. I thought I was feeling shitty cause I couldn't sleep well at night cause of the cough but yeah... have a fever and everything. Feeling kinda hungry but have no appetite.
Dad rang, was feeling too poorly to talk to him so didn't answer.
Yeah and it took all my strength to turn on my laptop. Maybe if I watch a film or something I'll feel better although I don't want any noise or visually challenging things around me at the moment.

Yesterday I had my third birthday celebration. Think next weekend my dad's family will come over.

Yeah... ouch I feel so poorly! *sad face*

Fuckface

Ugh, I loathe men like that. He doesn't deserve a response. Fuckface.

it hurts so bad

Ouch. Just boiled eggs and poured the water on myself. Now my lady parts, thighs and feet are aching. Have blisters and everything. :(
The birthday celebration was okay. Although I missed blue cheese and wine. We just ate cake (not the chocolate-banana cake I wanted but whatever) and did a little disco.

Okay I'm back to fanning my lady parts cause it hurts so bad!

carefree life

Shit. Two weeks ago I had diarrhea, last week I had runny nose, this week I have a sore throat. Like, wtf!? I don't have a fever or anything, like I'm not properly sick but I don't feel comfortable enough to lead a carefree life at this moment.
Yeah and this saturday I had my first 30th birthday celebration. Was cute! We'll see what I'll do on tuesday when I'm actually 30.

a hopeless and sad world

You know you live in a hopeless and sad world when a bloodshed conducted by humans gets more attention than a massive natural disaster.

bald spot

Jill: It's my hair, isn't it?
Tim: What!?
Jill: You don't like the way I changed my hair.
Tim: I told you I loved you hair.
Jill: No. I had to ask you first.
Tim: Well, I love your hair. I love the way it smells. There's no bald spot.

I lol'd

TSS10112015

Just like with the blender

Waah, I'm so full but I still wanna eat. Seriously... when I went off Mirtazapine I thought my appetite would drop but no such luck. It's not as acidic hunger like before, just a regular one now but still.
And today I bought this cake I actually wanted for my birthday:

Just like with the blender... I don't want it for my bday anymore. Now I want the chocolate-banana cake. :)

the best

Mmm... the best. www.felix.ee produces the best stuff! Today when I was at my mum's workplace I told her where to buy a cheap blender for my birthday but I might just tell her not to buy it for me cause I wanna start buying Pai smoothies. I mean they're quite expensieve, that small bottle costs about 2.50 euros.

And on another note... Caesar salad is also the best! Oh man... I'm so spoiling myelf what with ebing sick and all. Well, the last two days have been alright actually.

the good daughter

Ahh, it feels so nice to be the good daughter for once. Mother was all out of cash so I gave her 60 euros (she'll pay me back once he gets paid). And today I went to her workplace to help her clean stuff. Yeah, I'm good.

Healthwise... didn't have anything wrong yesterday. Got little pain in abdomen today but hopefully the diarrhea is gone now. I still have no clue why I had it.

Fucking British accent!

*whine* I wanna watch the second Nanny McPhee film but cannot find subtitles that are in sync. Fucking British accent! I don't understand it! I'm so used to general American accent in films.

it started all over again

Yeah I rang a GP and she says my diarrhea is probably just a virus not a withdrawal symptom. I thought I was done with it but it woke me up today at 7 and it started all over again.

it's final

Okay I think this craxy diarrhea business is over. Like... I googeled some shit and I think it was a Mirtazapine withdrawal symptom. This pill I swear. I've been off of it before and I was fine but I had to go back on it cause I couldn't eat again. This time with these crazy symptoms I'd like to think it's final, going off that pill.

I have no fucking clue what is going on

So I have this fuckin'-ass diarrhea going on. Started at 7:30 in the morning. Who has diarrhea at that time!? I was sleeping and was woken by sharp pains in my abdomen. Super weird. I don't have a fever or feel poorly. I have no fucking clue what is going on. Could be the dried fish I had yesterday or the flu.

I'm insatiable

Haven't been here for a while. Yeah, blogging gets sidetracked when life is sort of good. And here I am, ranting again.
Yeah I've been off Mirtazapin for about a week now and my appetite is out of control!!! I'm insatiable. I feel constantly hungry, I could eat nonstop. So annoying. Like... I thought my appetite would plummet to nothing but ya... Ugh, I don't care about my looks but I just cannot afford to eat this much.

the hassle of the hustle bustle

5SOS are coming to Estonia!!! This is my only chance to see those lads in the flesh but they're only doing a show in Tallinn. Yeah I cannot get there in any way.
Like it would even be hard if I had to go to a massive gig like that but imagine going to another end of the country and staying in a strange hotel, plus the hassle of the hustle bustle of the concert. Yeah no can do.

my own baby

Oh dear. They wanna legalize surrogacy in Estonia. Yaaaaaaay! I really really really hope they do cause then, if I have the money, I can have my own baby too.

So beautiful.... just beautiful

This song is the bomb! So beautiful.... just beautiful. His voice....

TS14102015

Okay, who's stupid idea was it

Okay, who's stupid idea was it to make sanitary towels scented!? I haven't even opened the package and I can smell the disgusting scent.

Joseph and Emily

Argghh!!! I fucking hate this song. Was peeling potatoes for dinner and had the radio on. Heard it for the first time and absolutely hated it. The rhymes are so badly placed and it sounds so stupid melodically and the lyrics are just shit.

higher education

Heino and his woman Merle are over. He said about some dude "He's got a higher education: his high school was on top of a high mountain". lol

Tool

Okay I think I was just stood up. The guy said he would run a little late. Two hous later I still hadn't heard from him. Tool.

Apparently he's a virgin. Looks like for a long time so

Apparently he's a virgin. Looks like for a long time so

Should I be flattered?

manless

Shit. I'm manless again. One won't come online anymore and the other won't answer my text. Ugh.
Hopefully next week I'll get some action again.

What the hell body!?

WTF!? Today I feel nothing when it comes to intimacy. I feel grossed out about it. What the hell body!? What do you want!? Although, I stayed in town today in case we might meet up again.

when I get a taste of something good, I wanna swallow it whole

Gah, when I get a taste of something good, I wanna swallow it whole. I so wanna spend time with my new guy. Maybe there's no relationship for us in the future but I crave intimacy. When I'm without it, I'm fine but when I catch a glimpse of it I gotta see the panorama.

friendshipping

Wow. I have no idea what to do with a guy who doen't wanna have sex :D Like, I hung out with Indrek again. And I don't know if we're having something or just friendshipping.
It was quite a big deal cause we didn't hang out at my place but his. Yes, I lasted there two hours.

so much cuter

What a great day. Had a great therapy session with my psychologist. We went for a walk to train me walking alone in the street. And she told me a little about her 5 year old son. It's so great having young children cause they wanna see all the new cute cartoons. I wanna see them anyway but it would be so much cuter if I had to see them cause of my little child.

impromptu date

Just had an impromptu date. If I remember it correctly his name was Indrek.
Dunno if I'll see him again cause he wants to get his leg over and I want a relationship. Will see. He was nice though.

No biggie

Well, I didn't get the job. No biggie :)
Yeah and my mum cut my hair today and I got a fringe!! I had wanted one for so long but with my anxiety it's a nightmare to sit at the hairdresser's.

didn't turn it down yet

Crapaloola! The job I applied for is the most basic telemarketing position. I didn't turn it down yet. Will be making phone calls tomorrow and see how it is.

one bastard

Shit, my mother had a tick on her. Hopefully she won't get one of the tick illnesses. And hopefully I don't have one bastard on me.

so beat

Oh god, I'm so beat. We mushroomed for 5 hours today plus I mowed the lawn.

TS1292015

so so so sad

This song makes me so so so sad.

my way only

So a couple of weeks ago or so me and mum were walking our dogs and we got to talking. Like, I dunno if it's cause I'm getting older and more senile by the day but I might actually marry someone. Like, it would be without any dresses and suits, food, family, celebration. I'd just get hitched without a fuss. I mean I still hate getting married cause it's a societal thng but meh... if the man really wanted I might do it. But my way only!

Ah, dreams

Oh man, I so wish I can do the receptionist job. I already make big plans for the future. Like, I want a new place cause Ilme is severly cutting into my personal life. Like, it shouldn't be her business who I see or what I do with people. But she makes everything her business. Fuck, I'm a young woman, not a 72 year old nun like her.
I wouldn't wanna live totally alone. It would be nice to have flatmates. Preferably young ones who sleep around too or simply don't give a fuck who I sleep with. Ah, dreams.

job interview on tuesday

Oh goodness, I have a job interview on tuesday. For an receptionist position at a spa or something. It's part time. I so hope the interview goes well and I get the job and that I won't get anxiety!

my life turned to shit

Jesus, what's going on in the world!? What with the refugees and shit... So horrible. I hope I don't have to flee my homeland. The last time I did, my life turned to shit.

Shit I dream big!

Shit I dream big! I really want a part time janitor position and study to become a pharmacist now. If my health was a little better I might be able to.

want those plums

Went to the shop earlier. Saw plums there. Didn't by them. Now want those plums. Should've bought them. I also want a mcdonald's burger. My bike is busted so... I cant be arsed to walk there cause by the time I get home the bruger will be cold.
I really hope Ic an fix my bike tomorrow.

baby bike

Aw, my baby bike broke down. The rear tyre broke when I was at Peruoja. Had to walk home from there. Have blisters on the soles of my feet now.Will go to the bike shop tomorrow to get a new tyre.

And then I had a little epiphany. Like, if I get a part time janitor position I can still go to uni. I only need about 150 euros a month. Oh man... I just need to retake my biology exam to get extra six points. Yeah it's not a big dream of mine, I just thought of it all of a udden one day.

Who told you to look at me grandpa!? Gross!

What the fuck!? Right I'm on this sexy online dating website... I've had a few men tell me I'm not attractive or whatever. And it's cool, I'm not particulary attractive anyway, I know but the way they say stuff. Like they sound so bitter. And it's always some old dude, in his forties or so. Their opinion matters even less to me. I'd be worried if my preferred demographic found me disgusting but these old hats... no.
Seriously, what the hell is wrong with these old men being so hateful about some younger chick?

a little walk

Wow wow! I just got in from a lone walk. I didn't just circle around my house, I actually walked on the street. I went to take out trash and it felt so fresh and brisk out so I thought I'd take a little walk. It was quite dark and I only saw two people. Ah... it felt amazing! I haven't walked outside by myself in years.

I love it here

Ahhh, I'm in town!!! I love it here. Ilme went to hospital cause her arteries were clogged or something like it and I'm home alone. Damn, why don't I have a man right now!? I don't want to call a randomer over.
I have been at my mother's too long and have forgotten how amazing it is in town. Just wish I had money, would go to McDonald's.

I'm happy

So for some reason I'm happy summer is over. I got really excited for the autumn season on TV. I don't even watch TV. I feel like it's a new era in my life. Maybe one where I have a job and can sort out my own money business. I would love some half assed job so that my mother would stop complaining about me not having a job. I'd need about 150 euros a month.
Ooh and I got my new ID card today. Will have to go to the bank some day aswell, cause my ATM card is invalid.
Ah yeah...that's about it. I got anxiety today in the ID office and shops but I'm happy. Yay!

Me saame hakkama

Daaaaaaaaaaammn, this song! It's been on repeat for the last hour. So good! I used to hate the band when they first ame out but I've loved them for a while now. Yessss! Perfect pop songs.

drive-through

So I was listening to Cher Lloyd's Want You Back and I was reminded of this incident that happened when I still lived in Ireland.
So I was working in McDonald's. On drive-through. There was this guy who was always driving and had his friends beside him and at the back of the car. The driver dude asked for my phone number quite a few times. But everytime he did his friends would laugh like hyenas so I thought he was just joking and taking the piss, so I ignored him.
And then one time he drives up to the drive-through window where I'm at. This time he was in the car with a girl next to him. He had this victorious look on his face and said something like, "Look, I've got a girl with me. Remember how I asked for your number?". I did but I didn't wanna get into this whole business so I lied and said, "I have so many customers during the day everyday so I don't really remember you". He said, "Well yeah, will you give me your number now?". I dunno what the situation was with him and the girl but like... I said, "You've already got a girl in your car. Why do you need my number for?". And then he drove off...
Like what if he was on a date with the girl. How embarrassing for her when he asked for my number. Like if you seriously want my number then don't have your monkey friends laugh at the whole thing. How was I supposed to know he was serious!?

And then there was this asshole. On drive-through again. He asked for my number. I said no. He said, "I didn't want it anyway!". And I was like, "Well, why'd you ask for it then!?"

Men are weird!

How it happened and what to learn from it

So I dunno what life lessons to learn from today. Shit happened.
Our neighbour's cat got into pantry today, got stuck in there, eat our chargrilled meat and broke the blender.
How it happened and what to learn from it:
*I left the front door open cause my mother's always saying how it smells inside and insists on keeping the door open. Lesson? I did what I was told, like what the fuck!?
*Went to the shop and bought crisps and chocolate. Came home and shared my shit with the brother. He had gone to the pantry to get canned fish and left the pantry door open. That's how the cat got in there. Lesson? No good deed goes unpunished cause I was the one who got the bollocking from the mother.
*I was the one who closed the pantry door after the brother had left it open. Lesson? Trust your gut. I knew I sould check the pantry for cats when I closed the door but I didn't.
*The blender broke. The cat was creeping around the shelves and knocked the bender off the shelf, it broke. Lesson? I had gone on and on about smoothies to my mother for ages. And now I can't get any cause the damn blender broke. Was it a lesson for my mother or for me? I don't get it. Am I not allowed to drink smoothies? Was it a reminder for my mum to buy smoothie ingridients?

Ughhhhhh, I'm always keeping doors closed from now on. If mother wants them open she has to open them herself!

Now I want smoothies all the time

So for about a week I've been yammering about red nail polish to my mother. Today when I didn't tell her about it she finally bought me one:

It's not the exact tone I wanted but it's better than nothing. I wanted full coverage but it's sort of see through. I'm very grateful for it though. :)

Anyway, yesterday we had a great bbq evening. Mother and embit were like, "what a glorious evening". And call me cynical or a party pooper but I was like, "don't gloat just yet, the evening isn't over". And sure enough things turned to shit. They had a fight. Luckily I wasn't there when it happened but I could feel the tension later. Ugh. Anyway, things should be back to normal by now.

Then I've been talking to mum about smoothies and blenders. I told her she can buy me a blender for my b-day. Like...a few weeks back I went to visit Helgi, a woman who lives two stories beneath us in town, for some reason and she was making a smoothie at the time and she let me taste it. It tasted heavenly. Now I want smoothies all the time.

TE2082015

sugar

Desperate times call for desperate measures. The brother has nothing sweet to snack on so he's eating sugar.

The devil is back

Went for a little car ride with mum and Lembit. Yeah, didn't feel my best but I almost lasted the whole way. Ugh, I so wish I could go on roadtrips and shit. Then I could go to dad's place and to Latvia with the fam.

TS1582015

we all know him

I got a feel before (yes it's tumblr talk) and I posted about it on my tumblr instead of here. How could I!?
Anyway the feels were brought on by listening to Vivaldi. Oh man, I heard some really great violin shredding pieces. Didn't know Vivaldi had it in him. Yeah, tomorrow when I wake up I've got to play the violin. I just have to find my shoulder rest first. I hope Lauri didn't do anything to it. Asked him, he said no but we all know him.

so good

Listening to Hilary Hahn. Almost made me cry. She's just so good and the violin sounds so good. I shouldn't have stopped playing and should have practiced more and harder. Maybe I'll play tomorrow. I've lost the shoulder rest though, thinking my brother has done something with it. Ahhh, I wanna sound good when I play.
Plus 5SOS announced their album drop. It's called Sounds Good, Feels good. I'm giddy for that aswell. And when I think of Hilary and the album title, I feel depressed. Cause nothing I make sounds good or feels good. Violin wise.
I just cut my nails short today... so it's a sign I have to pick up the violin again.

a pretty solid day

Had a pretty solid day. Evelin came over. Went swimming twice. Jossu finally learned how to swim and jump off the deck. He was whimpering a lot though, probably was a bit nervous and scared.
Yeah and I thought I might celebrate my birthday this year since it's pretty big. I'd like a few things for my bday, like maybe a blender to make smoothies, a new keyboard for my laptop, new runners/shoes, underpants. Yeah not that many things. I gotta have the chocolate-banana cake though. Or the yellow or orange one. Yeah

slipping under

Mm, it feels so great to have taken a shower and slipping under fresh bed-linen.

Why did you ask for it then?

Ahh man, I love it when I turn a guy down and he turns out to be an asshole. It gives me this crazy satisfaction.

Hahahaa, made my day!
Like this one time when I still worked in McDonald's, on drive through, this guy asked for my number and I said no. He then was like, "I don't want it anyway". And I was like, "Why did you ask for it then?". Oh, some men are just pathetic. :D

Ahh it felt nice

Father was just over with the fam. And we drove to Poka and back. I didn't get anxiety, although I got a bit scared when the car went a bit faster. Ahh it felt nice to be in the moving car with the family.

I just hope I can be arsed to weed today. :)

good enough excuses

So mother went to Finland yesterday and I'm procrastinating. I hate it, feel so guilty. Plus it's finally like super hot and humid out. A proper summer weather. Don't know why I mentioned that. Probably trying to find good enough excuses not to weed the garden. Ugh, I just really cannot be arsed.

why be so angry!?

Ugh I cannot wait til the mother's Finland trip is over. She's so irritated and annoying beforehand. Like I could understand if the trip was something serious but it's just a holiday thing, why be so angry!?

stupid and desperate men

It baffles me how stupid and desperate men are. Like, seriously, you would pay for sex? Ugh... And not to be totally men hating, why do women take advantage of the fact? I would never ask money for sex. And it's disgusting to see men offer me money. Like no... if I like you I'll do it for free, if I don't like you no amount of money will get you in my bed. I just hate all the money business when it comes to sex.

On the same note... some "relatives" were over the other day. A young man and his gf, Kaidi. After they were gone, I was on my mum's bed transferring her phone images onto the memory card. In comes Lembit and is like "So... Diana's just laying on the bed, hacking. Kaidi's a famous lingerie model". Ughhhh, I'm so over peope commenting on my fat. I know. Do I wanna be a lingerie model? No. I was simply transferring the pics cause the mother will be going to Finland on wednesday with Lembit and she needs more space on her phone or something like that, to take pics. Just because I'm not a skinny lingerie model doesn't mean I'm trash or spending my life away!

Everyone and everything was super nice

Had this family friend from Germany visit us today. The family had 5 children! Everyone and everything was super nice. Even the weather. Makes me wanna live abroad again. Damn my crappy health.

goddamn bastards

Some fuckheads think waaaaay too highly of themselves.

Why should I want a randomer!? I don't want his goddamn bastards.

a summer like this

Okay, the summer this year sucks. I've never ever witnessed this kind of summer before. Even when I lived in Ireland. It's just so cold, windy and rainy. I leigitimately cannot remember a summer like this. I mean I know I just complained but... I hope the weekend will be all that so we can't work outside. I'm a lazy fuck.

Talking about C

Ugh, why do I do this!? I'm so early into talking with this guy and I deliberately turn the chat into sex talk. So annoying! I want a relationship not another ride. Oh well, I guess I'll just fuck him and never see him again. Talking about C.

Holding out for a hero

Where have all the good men gone?

I'm panicking

I forced myself to go out today. Wasn't gonna go but talked to mum on the phone and she said it was nice out. So I went. Didn't feel as comfortable in the shop today, maybe cause I went there around five o'clock when all the people finish work and go to shops before going home. But I spent about two hours on the town. Feeding birds and chilling at the park.
Yeah I don't know how people meet people organically cause not one man looked at me today. I know I'm not a looker but still!
Yeah and I'm panicking cause I'm afraid I won't have enough money for the week, have about 30 euros left. And then I'm worried I won't have enough GBs left, have about 20 left. I know it's enough but I still worry cause I've been spending money like crazy and watched a shitload of vids on the net.

little knots in my stomach and little shaky legs

Okay, what the hell is going on!? So now all of a sudden I can go to grocery shops? Anxiety free? I'm not complaining though. Just got in from a shopping trip. Had to buy stuff for Ilme. I mean I still get little knots in my stomach and little shaky legs but I manage to pull it off. Yay!
I'm not saying I've conquered this beast but for the last few days I've managed to get by with it.

I'm just greatful

Wow, I nearly went to the cinema today. Was gonna see Inside Out but I was too late for it. Since I got to town my anxiety has been very lowkey. Not meaning to jinx it but I'm just greatful for the last few days. :)

If I can't have the best I'm going for the second best

Omg, I'm going after a 19 year old. I kinda turned him down before... can't remember why. But because of Michael Clifford he's in the works again. My dude is only 6 days younger than Clifford so it's basically the same :D If I can't have the best I'm going for the second best.

I'm a big girl, I can take it without the filters

Ugh I need a new TV show to watch. I really wanna see That 70s Show and Home Improvement again but I've seen both of them a bajillion times. So I'm forcing myself to watch Sabrina, The Teenage Witch. It's okay I guess but... too filtered. I'm a big girl, I can take it without the filters.

On other news... Ilme quit smoking a couple of days ago. There's something wrong with her arteries, has to get them replaced, and she decided to quit it. Yay! I hope she stays off them. She can't really walk or stand at the moment so now I'm the one who has to go to shops and buy shit. Ohh, I hope my anxiety won't butt in.

TE2172015

whatever, I did it!

I was a big girl today. Went to get my new ID card done. I also went to two grocery shops and was browsing around like nobody's business. Without anxiety. I mean I took 14 drops of Valium but whatever, I did it!
Here's my old, invalid ID card:

8 in the morning

Oh my god. I'm in Tartu for the first time in about a month. Feels so weird. If I'm not a lazy ass I'll go to the ID card office tomorrow morning to make a new one. I gotta be there at 8 in the morning. Hoping there won't be that many people there at that time.

precious dick is precious

I cannot believe how precious some dicks are! I wanna ride Michael Clifford's so bad. I know he's a massive dork but... precious dick is precious. Why isn't there anyone realistic around? Like I'm actually in talks with this one guy... will see how it ends. Or starts.

opinionless bore

Oh dear. A horrible thing has happened. I remember when I was about 17 and liked a bunch of bands. I asked my deskmate in school what bands/artists she liked and she said "whatever is playing on the radio". Fuck! I just couldn't fathom it. Like, what do you mean you don't have a fave artist!? I thought she was an opinionless bore. And now... I'm one. :D For years now I haven't had a band I consistently listen to. So I downloaded a couple of Dire Straits albums and am listening to them now. I can't say I like shit on the radio cause I don't listen to the radio. But whatever is popular in pop music I like.

Siga, kits, lehm, lammas, hobune

Lembit was bending over to tie his shoes. His glasses slipped out of his jacket pocket, landing on the floor. Instead of cursing he said, "Siga, kits, lehm, lammas, hobune". :D
I wish I said shit like that instead of swearing.

I wanna be pregnant so much today

Okay these periods hit me hard. I wanna be pregnant so much today. Ha! :D Weird I know. Or maybe not. I'm old enough.

Speak of the devil...

...and he doth appear.

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I'll get by

Why am I so comfortable with myself? Damn this age, maturity and contentedness. I know I don't look my best but I just don't care. I'm like... I'll get by. I would look so much better if I worked out though.

boring business

Ugh, bring on the periods already. It's so annoying when they don't start on time. It's like you cannot wait for it to start and once it starts you cannot wait for it to finish. Just... it's great when you do get them, shows you're body is functioning normally but it's heaven when you're off them. I hope the three day spotting thing wasn't it. Can't be arsed to go to the doctor cause of it.

Yeh... my ID card is invalid now. Have to make a new one. Totally not looking forward to it. I just don't do well standing in the line and these kindsa offices always take forever. Plus my ATM card is almost over aswell. Have to go to the bank but not before I get my ID card done. Ugh...boring business.

I really

Brother's listening to the radio in the room next to mine. I really should pick up that "habit" myself. I really need new music to listen to. I mostly skip to the next song with every song that comes on my player. Ugh... I really really want a song to obsess over.

I'm so lame

I'm so lame. The family's going on a roadtrip to Latvia tomorrow and all I'm happy about is that I get to sleep as long as I want. I'm not going cause of my anxiety. Obviously.
Mother said I'm missing out on all the fun. Luckily I don't feel like it myself. It's not like I'm missing out on spending time with the fam, been at my mother's place for about a month now.
Yeah and there's been some drama online about Ashton 5SOS and his gilrie. Makes me think I was really really lame when I bitched about the Ushkowitz chick. I can't help it... I will hate her for the rest of my life. Can't stand it when those little bitches are complaining about Ashton though. I'm such a lame two faced bitch :D

Super patriotic and shit, y'know

What the fuck!? I think I started my period. Waaay too early. That explains why I felt so sick a couple of days ago. On the day we built a new wall in the basement. Man... that was a busy day, especially for Lembit.
Then on sunday we went boating. Mostly mum and Lembit but I did get on myself too. I stayed on the shore for the most of the time. And I sat in Lembit's car!!! I haven't just sat in a car for soooo long. A couple of years I think. I felt like I could go cruising. :)
Yeah and a while ago it was jaanipäev. We hoisted a flag and everything. Super patriotic and shit, y'know.

water feels amazing

Ahhh, water feels amazing! Just got back from swimming. First time this summer. It was so warm and liberating. Wanna go again!

a bit inspiring

Just finished reading a book: Hey, Let's Make A Band by 5 Seconds Of Summer. Yeah it was pretty much saying the same thing over and over - the bands they liked and a lot of practice and shows. Got a bit inspiring at one point. But yeah, my musician days ended when I stopped having violin lessons. Maybe I'll pick it up one day again. Nowadays I'm starting to get into painting nails again. My nails are nice and long again, well except one thumb nail that broke off today. Anyway, my point is, I can't play the instrument with such long nails.
I'd give thye book 2,5/5.

less dangerous

Fuck! Mother and Lembit went to a birthday party at 10 in the morning and still aren't back. I wouldn't really care except they went on bikes. My bike. And I wanna go to the shop to buy something yummy. I know it sounds weird going to a party on a bike but the idea was that Lembit wanted to drink at the party and he cant drive a car then. You're not allowed to ride a bike either when you´re drunk but they thought it's less dangerous.

Love wins apparently

Wow, I'm living an arachnophobe's worst nightmare. There's a spider running around my bed and I'm about to go to sleep. Let it run! Love wins apparently.

pissing him off

Ah yes! I managed to piss off a horny guy. I'm so proud of myself. I told him I don't fuck outside a relationship. Hahaha! I feel soooo good for pissing him off.

watch porn and stroke himself

Yeah, my brother's in bed with his tablet. I expected him to watch porn and stroke himself. Ha! He's watching the Moomins. He's fucking 15!

Oh the dilemma!

At my mum's. Using my internet stick. The connection is so good and fast, don't wanna log off in fear of losing the fast internet. But it's time to go to sleep. Oh the dilemma!

Sitaratas

Am upstairs in my room with the window open. Just heard the neighbours use the swear word of choice of my family - shitwheel.

TS15062015

being dirty

I so wanna go to sauna! I hate being dirty!

Good times!

Ha! I cracked myself up yesterday.
A few weeks ago, some girl was jogging along the road, at my mother's. And she started giving out to my mum and Lembit about our dogs being unleashed.
So yesterday me and mum went for a walk with the dogs.When we turned this one corner I glanced at the distance and saw something. I was like, "Let's go fast, some blonde girl is jogging there". My mother looked too and she said it wasn't a blonde girl, it was a stork. :D I swear I saw it as a blonde girl. Laughed so hard. Good times!

A very very small route

Just went on a motorcycle ride. Did the "kaskedeni" route. A very very small route. But I still managed to do it. Like Lembit was driving and I sat at the back. He only went 40km/h but I got a little anxious but yeah...

so hopped up

So I was a big girl today. Went to the dentist. Got my wisdom tooth pulled out. Ugh, the pain during the last few days and nights was horrible. I was so hopped up on painkillers.

Life is great!

I'd like to document this perfect time of my life. I have no toothache, I'm eating blue cheese at my mum's. The lawn mowing is done. Life is great!

I hope I can sleep tonight through the pain

Ouch, been battling tooth ache for three days. I realy don't wanna go to the dentist cause I'm scared they'll put me on antibiotics. I will never ever take them again! I hope I can sleep tonight through the pain.

darker

Dyed my hair today! Last summer I went lighter, this time darker:

Ahh...

Ah, Lauri set up a tent about a week ago. He's been sleeping in it with his friend Silver. It's currently raining out, I so wanna be in the tent right now. It must be so amazing to fall asleep with the sound of raindrops falling on the tent. Ahh...

Fucking two faced cunts with their double standards

I wasn't gonna blog about it cause it's not important but two of the youtubers I follow talked about it so... here are my two cents. Caitlyn Jenner. Oh my god!!! Why is everyone flipping out over her!? Everyone's like it's natural to be who you truely are. Like, why the fuck freak out about it then!? I have nothing against transgender people but like with gays... favouritism sucks monkey balls! It annoys me so much that people are so "supportive" of her. Fucking two faced cunts with their double standards.

things are steady

Well, I haven't documented on my life for quite a while. Yeah, things are steady. Going to therapy and spending a lot of time at my mother's.
Haven't met any new guys cause Ilme put me off of asking guys to my place. I don't wanna hear her complain about me having sex. It's acutally interfering with my sex life so...as soon as I have a bit more money I will move out so I can get men again.
Speaking of men... damn, I'm all over 5 Seconds Of Summer lads. I thought I liked Luke but now any one of them would do. Such sexy foursome! Or maybe I just need to get laid to cam myself. Then I'll know who I like best.

I won't marry him

How good is this?

So so so good!!! If I ever get married my husband MUST know how to play this otherwise I won't marry him.

Something about the pants

Stalked Franco's chick and saw this:

Made me chuckle! :)

I'm 5SOSing

I'm 5SOSing. Mother bought me skinny jeans :D
I didn't ask her to buy them to me or anything, she bought them all by herself. But I really like those back sneakers the boys are wearing. Want those!

TS17/5/2015

The sound of my handwriting

Maybe I've talked about this on my blog before... but there are some things about myself that I don't like.
For example, my handwriting. It's just horrible. The letters never look the same twice or more times. Even my mother has said it looks like a young boy's handwriting. And it does so.
The other thing I don't like about myself is my voice. Oh god! It's just so whiny and I hate my S's. They sound so fancy pants and pretentious.
They're the top two things I might ever be self-conscious about.
Oh that reminds me... when I was young I was very self-conscious about my elbows. What the fuck right!? :D

Here's a pebble, Luke

Dunno what to do with myself

I'm up since twelve this morning. Dunno what to do with myself. It seems waaaay too early.

Yeah and I still hope I'll be able to take the motorbike ride. It would be so much easier to get to my father's place like that.

This just in!

This just in! I might get to my father's place on Lembit's motorbike. I just hope I won't get anxiety travelling on the thing. Have to ready myself for about two hour trip on it.

So I have a toothache

So I have a toothache. Been taking painkillers all day. Of all the visibly broken teeth the "healthy" one pains me. Ugh.

Well shit...stuff is happening

Well shit...stuff is happening. For about a week my brother's been feeling nauseous at night. Mother bought him tranquillizers. He better not be developing an anxiety disorder now!

Yeah and I still haven't decided whether I'll go to my dad's place or not. I'm not that worried about cycling there but I'm afraid of having constant anxiety when I get there. I just hope I won't have to go to hospital again. We'll see.

I went to claim what is rightfully mine

Today I went to claim what is rightfully mine. I cycled out of town, along Tallinn motorway. It's the way to Tartu if you're coming from my dad's place. I so longed to experience it when I came to Tartu in 2011. Crappy thing was back then, I got tired before reaching the town and got anxiety and Lembit had to come pick me up in his car. Everything that happend after that is a blur cause I had massive anxiety. So it was nice to experience it today, on my own, calmly, on my bike.
Yeah and now I wanna go and visit my father's family. I'll have to go through Põltsamaa. I wanna stay there, somewhere overnight. Cause I'm an unfit fuck and can't cycle the whole thing. Yeah, will see how it goes.

checking out my boobs

So Lembit is always telling me how I have no tits and just how small they are. And then when I wear a tank top he's like checking out my boobs. Like what the fuck!? Why look at them when there's nothing there, as you say!?
Yeah and I hoped my pension had lodged into my bank account today but nah. I was already dreaming of how I go to maccy d's and buy a quarter pounder. Damn. Well, it's the fifth tomorrow so...that's the official pension day, will get my burger then.

What a waste!

Whoa! Just got back from the shop. Man, what anxiety I got. Haven't experienced such a strong feeling (mental and physical) in a looooooong time. I went to the shop cause I was craving crisps and chocolate. Now I feel so shitty I can't eat. What a waste!
Oh and yesterday I mowed the lawn for the first time this year. I volunteered. Was quite nice.

Fortunately it's not hurtful but unfortunately it's not motivational either

OMG, I'm reminded daily of how fat I am. Fortunately it's not hurtful but unfortunately it's not motivational either. I dunno why but I feel great in my body. I know I'm not a looker but I'm at peace with myself. Looks wise. If I really had to pick on something then sure I'd find plenty of things to complain about but... nah. Other than looks, the things I don't like about myself are my health, voice and handwriting. Oh and my laziness.
Yeah what got me writing though are the pics on this sexy dating website. Like, every woman who has bigger boobs, like... above B cup, their boobs are droopy. Now I'm not the one to judge depending on my looks but it really makes me happy about my own. My tits will never be droopy cause I just don't have anything there to be hanging. So the meaning of this whole post is, I'm happy with my little tits.

Really, Lauri!?

Oh my, my brother really fails at "your mother" insults. He says that to me and our mother. Really, Lauri!?

debauchery

This damn word has been on my mind since 9 in the morning. I didn't even know the meaning of it until now.

Damn, I came on here to vent about something

Damn, I came on here to vent about something but forgot what it was. Oh well, less negativity spread.

I'm beat!

Damn the good weather at weekends! There's so much to do at my mother's place, work wise, outside. We basically worked for 11 hours non-stop. I'm beat!

fast internet is orgasmic!

Omg, having fast internet is orgasmic! At mum's.

On a more important note... man this volcano business is scary! I'm so happy I live in a place where stuff like that doesn't happen.

spent my last pennies

*blub* just spent my last pennies on a cheeseburger. Gahh, why does it have to be so good!? I dunno how I'll survive tomorrow without any money. Oh man when I get my pension I'll go to McDonald's and buy a Quarter Pounder.

pretty sure I'd do it for a cheeseburger

Well, I wouldn't fuck for money but I'm pretty sure I'd do it for a cheeseburger. Just had Hesburger's cheddar and bacon burger. Yum!!! Might go after a second one later on.
Oh and the weather finally got warmer eventhough the wind is quite chilly. At least I got to bike a bit.

TE21042015

it's all a lie

Oh man how I wish it was warm out. If you look out the window it looks sunny and nice but it's all a lie. It's freezing! I just wanna go cycling.

That miserable time of the month

That miserable time of the month when you have no money and GBs left.

fat chick's legs

Damn, I gotta start working out. I look exceptionally gross. My belly looks like I'm pregnant. And I have fat chick's legs. Ughhhh! But I'm too lazy! Jogging is the only thing I can think of doing though.

TS17042015

the hopeless case of a brother

Mother sent Lauri to the shop today with a shopping list. And my brother came back with the needed stuff and a chocolate for me!!! I mean it was probably cause I let him use my bike but still... looks like he's not the hopeless case of a brother I thought he was. He's just so incredibly cocky and mouthy. You literally cannot have a conversatin with him. He just tells you to shut up, says "I dunno" or "I don't care".

Ummm...yeah right!

So this singing show was on yesterday and this old man sang a song in a rock key. I asked my mother what she thought of it and she said she liked it and that she has always liked heavy rock. Ummm...yeah right! How come I've never seen her listen to rock? She's forever listening to German Schlagers and dance music and ordered a whole shelfful of classical music (which she isn't listening to or even taken the discs out of their cases). Weird!

here to stay

Okay, looks like this Luke Hemmings craze is here to stay. I kinda have a thing for most of the the lads in the band. Man, I gotta get laid :D

not cool

I feel like I wanna fuck a cute guy. Not gonna happen though. It's April and I still don't have a boyfriend which is not cool.

so sweet of her

Ah, I just love it when people know me. Like today I was supposed to go to the library to get a book for my brother. So I did. Took the book back to my mother's workplace so she could take it home. And for that "trouble" my mother had bought me a Kalev strawberry and biscuit chocolate and blue cheese. This is just so me!! But unfortunately for her I had just been to the shop before I went to her workplace and had bought myself the chocolate and two blue cheeses :D But it was so sweet of her!

was pretty lame

Well, the interview went well as far as anxiety goes. Other than that it was pretty lame.
Yeah and I want a cat so badly!

too scared to go to sleep

Ugh, I'm tired and sleepy but too scared to go to sleep cause when I wake up I have to go to my job interview. Ughhhhh!! Damn my anxiety!

Silver Goldsmith

Ahh, spent two weeks at my mother's. In town now. Applied for a dish washer position. Hope I don't chicken out when they actually call me back.
Oh and I had a picture of Hemmings open on my aptop and my mother saw it. She said he looked like my little brother's friend. That worries me. I hope it doesn't mean I'm attracted to the friend cause he's only 14 and is a very tiny boy. I randomly named a sim after him in my game,  but that was only cause I thought Silver Goldsmith sounds cool.
Anyway, have a psychologist appointment tomorrow. We'll be discussing my therapy plan. Argh, I hope I won't freak out.

still going strong

Well, my Hemmings obsession is still going strong. I hate it though... stalking his shit on Tumblr is a nightmare. You get these little girls posting their fanfics and fantasies. Ugh, so annoying. I know I say I wanna fuck people but like... I post it on my blog not spam the person's tag.

main squeeze

Huh, these past couple of days I've been into 5SOS. Especially Luke Hemmings. God, this kid is 18! What is happening to me? Plus he's blond and majorly tall. Franco is still my main squeeze though.

Had me thinking

Phew, think I'm getting my period. A week later. Had me thinking I was pregnant, not sure how though. Okay...and when will I get a bf? I don't wanna "fuck like a slut" anymore as my mother put it.

TS1932015

Ass

Well...on his profile he says how much he likes buttsex. Gross human being!

Soap

He really knows how to get a girl wet! It's so banal, it's not even funny. What the hell are men thinking when they send out messages like that?

Not there

Ugh, I sooooooooooooooo crave McDonald's at the moment. Just browsed their menu to see prices. Not there. I really like McChicken Sandwhich but it's too expensive. I'll go for a double cheeseburger next time. Yummm!!! If I was in town at the moment I'd go to the restaurant straight away!

Everything's normal and fine

Well, I received the cervical cancer test results. Everything's normal and fine. Yay! And tomorrow's my James Franco anniversary day. Been into him exactly one year. Ahh..what a sexy year it has been.

weirdly calm

Ahh! I'm so excited about going to Melliste tomorrow! :D
Haven't been there for about a week.
Yeah and I have this weird pain in the back of my mouth/throat. Dunno if it's a toothache or a sore throat. I hope it's the throat.
And yesterday was great. Went to see the psychiatry nurse. Weirdly I don't get that bad anxiety when 'm with her. I mean I take Valium but still, I'm weirdly calm.
 And I went to two grocery stores and stood in the line.

I feel the need to show my affection

I just love That 70s Show!!!! I just wanna hug and kiss the show for making me feel so good and warm and entertained.
Yeah, I've been without a guy for two months now and it's showing. I feel the need to show my affection. I even started hugging my family and they think it's weird.
Yeah and I think I've set the boyfriend bar waaaaayy too high cause whenever someone has one "flaw" I immediately lose interest. Ugh!

stop using online dating websites

Oh I swear I wanna stop using online dating websites. The men on those websites are just stupid. Like I have it in clear Estonian on my profile that I like short skinny men and I get guys bragging to me how tall and sporty they are, which is actually fat. I'm like bitch you're barking up the wrong tree here!
Then the other selling point for them is "free sex". They go around offering free sex to women. Now I don't know if they're naturally idiots or if they're dumbed by their blinding horniness but the supply and demand business is totally off to be offering free sex to women. Like...for every demand there are hundred offers. Yeah...back to business school with ya!
And then they sell themselves by saying how they like sex and are up to anything. Yeah... every single guy on those dating websites are as horny as you are. I know your horniness is happening to you and it seems to worst to you but as a woman.... every guy is just disgustingly horny on the website and your horniness isn't a woman's problem or lure.

I mean.... the universe is telling me something, obviously

I know I complained about Estonian TV ages ago. But! It has improved. I've seen Tristan and Isolde on on three occasions, Eat Pray Love was on not so long ago and then Knocked Up and tonight Flyboys was on. I mean.... the universe is telling me something, obviously.

I didn't watch any of them though. I just can't... I get so irritated and bored when I watch the telly. I can only watch films on my laptop.

Besides all that glorious Franco galore I feel so sick. Dunno, what is wrong... ugh. Oh and when I went to the hospital the other day with mum, I cried. I hadn't cried in about two years. It wasn't proper cry cry, just a tear from each eye.

This old slut!? A virgin!?

So I went to the gynecologyst yesterday. She asked me questions about abortion and uterus and shit. Then she took a look at my hooha and asked me if I was a virgin. :D This old slut!? A virgin!? Told mum, she said men are lucky.

Phew, am I glad this day is almost over!

What an ordeal this day has been. I actually managed to sit through my therapy session today which lasted an hour and a half. I thought I was only gonna last 5 mins. Actually there was no therapy today, just gathering information to create a treatment plan for me.
Then what I thought would be easier than therapy but wasn't was the cervical cancer screening. Man, what anxiety! I even managed to make myself cry at the hospital to feel better. It helped. With the help of Valium of course. Phew, am I glad this day is almost over!

sleeping pattern

Wow, so it's 8:30 in the morning and I still haven't gone to sleep. I originally went at 5 but tossed and turn til eight til my stomach started rumbling. Yeah I'm finally seeing the world when it's light out. I really should reschedule my sleeping pattern.

there's no point

Damn my cold. I cannot taste anything. I saw the yummy dried fish in the little grocery shop I go to and didn't buy it cause there's no point if I can't taste it. So I guess it's actually pretty good, the cold, cause I didn't spend money.

don't feel like doing anything

Waah, I feel like shit! I don't feel like doing anything. I don't wanna watch films or sleep. Maybe I'll just read then.

nightmarish night

Oh my god, had such a nightmarish night. Had so much phlegm and was constantly swallowing the excess saliva and coughed non stop. I really hope my health won't get any worse.

English

I love Sam Smith!!! His voice is so amazing and he's just tremendously talented. Ed Sheeran's okay too.

TE16022015

normal better

Oh my god! I'm doing my own head in. Like, when I was younger I'd tell guys they couldn't be with me cause I was a virgin. I said I'd never sleep with them. Then I lost my virginity and things got better. A lot better, like normal better.
Now I tell guys I have an anxiety disorder and I can't do shit with them. I am so sick and tired of explaining what an anxiety disorder is. *eyeroll* I seriously hope there'll come a time in my life when I don't have to tell men about this stupid condition. Ughhh!

Maybe things will get better

Well, saw a doctor today. Well, a psychiatric nurse. I like her eventhough she gave me a few sheets about breathing exercises. *eyeroll*
She's kind enough to go for walks with me and she wants to ride the bus with me. And she suggested a good psychologist for me. Maybe things will get better.
Then I went to two grocery shops and the library. I said I would get Howl's Moving Castle the book and I did. In English. Yay!
I mean I did get little anxiety but it was nice to be outside.

TS10022015

gonna get through this week

Oh my god, I'm soooo craving for crisps or blue cheese or dried fish. But! I'm gonna get through this week without wasting any money on this crap.

dick cheese

Kanye West is dick cheese.

a hottie

Okay... Aksel wanted to warm up our situation and got in a bit of a tizzy fit when I didn't jump the gun. Like, he left me behind for some girl and I'm not gonna wait around.
Then Marko said he wanted a relationship with me. Like, the last time he said that he literally disappeared for a few months. He promised this time it wouldn't happen.
I dunno I'm not into them...although Marko's a hottie.

Take that Glee!

so sick of seeing

Oh my god! I'm so sick of seeing these stupid Jihadi or ISIS crap news! And all the other ones from the same area. Like, let the sick fucks do what they want in their country, don't even report about their stupidity. I don't even read the news, the headlines and pictures are enough. Ughhhhh...!

I swear this head of mine!

Bhahaahaa, I had a dream last night I was on a show like America's Next Top Model. I remember I looked like crap in photos but others liked it. Plus I had another type of premonition. I had a dream where I was watching a film with mum and it was really bloody and gory. And today she told me she got her period. :D
I swear this head of mine!

had a premonition

Oh wow, I had a premonition again. I had a dream that my father came down with Alzheimer's disease. Called him today and he said he fell ill. I hope it won't be anything as serious as Alzheimer's though.

hot and cute

So, I'm being a bit of a perv and looking at some young guys' pics on dating websites. 19 year olds. Like I don't remember the boys in my class being that hot and cute.

they just get on with life

Ugh. I'm not that up to date with Benedict Cumber...Cumberbatch? Is that his name!? Anyway, I dunno the situation entirely but apparently he called black people (or whatever they want you to call them) "coloured". I only read the headline and some tweets about it. Ugh. So black people don't want like racism towards them and no word to describe or address them is "correct". And then they go and set themselves apart from the rest of the humankind and talk about their community and "nigga this, nigga that". Like, what the fuck do you want!? If you're so indecisive, then fucking take what you're given!
Same goes for gay people. They want acceptance and normality and then they have the "LGBT community". Like, shit!? "Straight white" people don't have any of those idiotic communities, they just get on with life.

My head hurts

lol

And I decided to talk to the shitface. Maybe we'll get to the money business.

dillhole

OOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMFFFFFFFFFFFFGGGGGG!!!!!! Just received a message from this dillhole I lost my virginity to!!!!!!! I was literally gasping for air when I read his message!!! I hope the fuckhead gives me the money back I gave him as loan. I dunno if I should answer cause I told him I'd never speak to him ever again and I gotta stick to my guns. But the money would be nice. Ahhhrrrghhhgh, I dunno what to do, I'm so all over the place cause of it.

Doesn't make sense

So last night I got to thinking when falling asleep... I've been watching Celebrity Ghost Stories...
Say, my grandmother died in her sixties. And I die in my seventies. If the afterlife exists, wouldn't I be older than my grandmother?! Doesn't make sense.

I mean, I can control myself but... really why deprive?!

*waaahhh* that horrible period when you only have 10 GB worth of internet for a week and have sooooooo many films you wanna donwload

Plus I got talking to this guy on the internet who seems rather interesting. Well, I guess my new year's resolution is not to sleep with anyone unless I'm in a relationship with them. I've been in this promise situation before and it has never worked. Hopefully now it will. If I'm not in a relatinship by March, I'm becoming slutty again. I mean, I can control myself but... really why deprive?!

Pathetic liars or insane optimists

Well men are pathetic liars. Or insane optimists. Like on this dating website. There's a guy who I've done the deed with and he says on his profile that he is fit and good at fucking. I can't confirm either.
And other men too say they're fit and muscular or whatever of the sort but when you look at pics it's clear they're more on the heavy/fat side. Fat is not fit or muscular. I don't know who they're lying to, probably to themselves the most.
Yeah and just because you like to fuck doesn't mean you're good at it.

this stupid season

So Eat Pray Love is on tomorrow night. I'd love to watch it cause of Franco but Ryan Murphy is the director. I bet he made all the characters gay.

Ugh, came to mum's place. Gahhh, I just hate winter!! The ice is absolutely mind numbingly disgusting! It's so so so slippery out. Thank god there's only a month and half left of this stupid season.

James Franco books

Ahhh, I just found out this Estonian bookstore sells James Franco books. Damn, I've wasted half the money my father gave me for my b-day on junk food and shit! I could've bought one of the books! Now the money I have left is for food. Damn! I really need a job.

listening in on us

Ugh, I smell rancid. Was in the kitchen for a couple of minutes when Ilme was smoking. She got her panties in a twist last night. She said the wind was too high to have my window open and I told her to leave it be. Then she started closing all the doors. And I really like the idea. But her idea is that she will install a doorsill on my door so that the cold air from my room doesn't leak out to her room. I wish she was that adamant about her smoke smell. I hope she'll keep closing the doors that way I can have a man over without worrying about her listening in on us.

there are only three men, now four

About actresses. There's a whole bunch of women I like, for their talent. And there are only three men, now four. I've liked Simon Pegg and Tim Allen for years. Then I thought Leonardo DiCaprio was good. And now I think Danny McBride's awesome. Now downloading As I Lay Dying for McBride and Franco. I started watching it before but didn't make ti very far.

That awkward moment

That awkward moment when your male celebrity crush has bigger tits than you:

Richardson and Thomas!!!

What a grear episode of Last Man Standing it was! Richardson and Thomas!!! And Glee will end this year. A very great start to TV life so far.

I'm too excited

Phew! Had a little Last Man Standing marathon. I'm too excited to go to sleep but I cannot wait til I wake up tomorrow and can watch the episode with Patricia Richardson! It'll be so bittersweet.

Sounds like a plan, right?

:D I was on this sexy dating website and someone had posted a porn video on their profile. Watched it. Didn't make me horny but made me want to have a boyfriend. Damn! It's so hard to find a decent lad. And I'm picky as fuck myself. I gotta have the best.
Ideally, I'd love to live with a guy. Alone, just the two of us. Then we could fuck all the time without worrying what the apartment owner in the next room will tell me after the sexy shenanigan.
And I'd also love to live with a guy cause then I wouldn't have to worry about going to the shop. He could shop for us. I'd give him a list of things I need and then he'd go to the shop alone, cause I can't with my anxiety, and when he got home I'd make something yummy for us. Sounds like a plan, right?
But I'd have to have a room for myself aswell cause I need quite a bit of alone time. And when I get my anxiety attack I have to be alone.
Ahhhh, sounds so amazing!!! I want it so bad at the minute. I mean I want it all the time but especially now. See what porn does to me!?

I obviously turned him down

Oh my god! Rando just called me. It's the guy who raped me years ago. He had no recollection of the rape though. Tool! He wanted to meet up again. I obviously turned him down.

This is the end James

Ha! Saw this while plaing a HOG.

more than one hair

Okay, I've got more than one hair down there! =D lol


TS07012015

About Seth...

lol =D I think he's alright. Why is he sucking up to America though?

Happy birthday, Master!

Oh my god! It was Hayao Miyazaki's birthday yesterday!!! Happy birthday, Master!

July 2013

I don't wanna jinx it now but I haven't had a full on general anxiety attack since July 2013. Phew!
Got back to Tartu today. Man, was it cold!? I hope I won't fall ill. And I somehow managed to not get the stomach flu my mother and brother had. Yay to that!

Yeah and today I taught Ilme how to send messages on her phone. :D I thought it was gonna be a lot more dreadful. Luckily she's not too bad of a typer.

Happy new year!

Well this New Year's party was quite great to be honest. We had food and family. Happy new year!