Used it

Oh my goodness. I feel so poorly. I actually have sort of a headache. Couldn't sleep last night. Tried to take a nap just now, woke up feeling worse.
Have little problems eating, gagging and throat locks. Get anxiety in shops a little. Can't sleep long or well. Feel sick in general and in pain (abdomen and head). Oh and I have itchy hands.
Oh the funs of a pill withdrawal.
I'm pretty sure I could handle being off the pill cause my health is a lot better but the withdrawal period is super hard to overcome.
Just had to take more Olanzapine. Last time I took a pill was last sunday. Can't go over a week wihout it.

Yeah, also met the guy I was supposed to meet. First time since I dunno when. What, January?
He was super nice. I hope he liked me too. I could really be with someone like him. Like... I was gonna say in a relationship but I'm not gonna be desperate and say I could just spend time with him some more. :)
Like I had super anxiety when meeting up with him but I took loadsa Valium so I calmed down eventually. Oh and I also broke out the mascara my mum had bought me months ago for the first time. Used it. It was all nice, nothing lovey dovey yet or anything sexual so yay! Hopefully he wants to meet up again. He said we should but he jsut could've been polite.
Yeah, I'd hype more about it but I feel too sick. Shit, might even take a painkiller for the head.

Might get confusing

Okay so I'm pretty much off olanzapine. Been having no appetite whatsoever. But not feeling sick. This appetite thing was kinda expected so I'm not freaking out.
Last night though... I had the gagging/locked throat experience again after years of not having this symptom. I haven't eaten today yet but shit! I hope I won't have that symptom for life again. I guess I can almost deal with it for a short period of withdrawal but not for ever and ever again. A little worried.
Also, I might be seeing a guy on sunday. He's names Lauri lol. Same as my bro.
So if I start going out with him it'll be Lauri and Diana and my borther's Lauri and his girl's Jaana :D
Might get confusing in familial context and situations. Yeah I'm supposed to go over to his place to play xbox or something :D I know I'm 31 but I still think an xbox date is better than sex date. I think he's 23.

just in case

Okay, things got a little shitty last night. I took olanzapine just in case. I feel super woozy and weak today. I hope I'll last at work.
Like I took all kinds of pills last night and none of them seemed to work so I dunno now what to take to be able to work normally.
I might take a quick nap before work now.

I have anxiety

Waah, I have anxiety. Like when I went to the Hessburger restaurant yesterday I thought I was gonna have to run out cause my anxiety got so bad I could hardly speak or move.
And then today it's been shitty too. The whole day. Maybe it's cause of my periods, which I'm hoping it is, but maybe it's cause of Olanzapine. I took the last pill on the 15th of July. But concidering I woke up with cramps today and had them throughout the day I'm very much hoping it's all period business.

Must be the codeine

Had the worst wake up call this morning. Woke up to insane cramps. Think I've had this only once before in my life. It's my second day of periods so wtf!?
Took Dolmen (Dexketoprofen). And no lie, my pain was gone in 7 mintues! Holy crap. Best painkiller ever! Must be the codeine in it.
Back in the day when I had the nerve aches in my head and I had to take this pill, it was a prescription drug. Now it's over the counter.

summer dress

Today, well techincally yesterday, was the first day this year I went out in a summer dress. I felt super weird and out of place cause this summer has been weird. Coming back home from town I was freezing.

officially quitting

Also today I'm supposed to take olanzapine but I'm officially quitting. Hopefully for good. I won't rejoice just yet, will see if I get any bad withdrawal effects. I don't think so cause I've been weening off for a year now but will see.

You can't just be there to be there, you gotta do the work aswell

Okay, today was the first day of work this week. My supervisor actually let me off work for three days cause I was on antibiotics.
Wasn't as bad as I thought it would be but still felt very very woozy, like about to pass out or fall over. Obviously nauseated but it was actually manageable. Not as sickly as the last time years ago.
So yeah, today I worked. Man, I love my job! No fucking jinx okay!?
I felt so happy and energetic today when working. The accountant in the shop kinda implied that my substitute wasn't that good.
And I could see this myself. I feel like if no one had cleaned the place when I was gone it would have been cleaner lol
Jesus fuck! The carpet in the "customers' lounge" was a fucking mess!!! There were two fresh horribly big and wide and long stains. Like, how in the world my substitute and the girl during the day can just walk by and clean them!?
One stain was a coffee stain which I hope came out better than the other which was of this blueberry drink. That blueberry does not come out!
I think I'll have to scrub some more tomorrow.
The tables were dusty and the floors had dustbunnies. Like, what did the substitute do? Thanks for covering for me but like...? You can't just be there to be there, you gotta do the work aswell.
But my supervisor had warned me and told me stories about substitutes not really cleaning anything. Wow!
Somehow I managed to get out around 9.20pm or so.

Oh yeah and I wanna register my laptop finally cause I think one of it's ventilators was making weird noises. And I think I can't do the warranty thing if I haven't registered it.
I need a pic of the invoice for it. Mum has it on paper. Been dealing with it for a couple of days.
Long story short, mum doesn't know how to send pics, on phone or internet. She just had to find the invoice and get my brother to take the pic.
I called him yesterday asked him to take a nice clear shot of the invoice. That's it.
Today mum sent me message "done".
Rang her and she started going on about how my brother got both pics, of the invoice and the cup.
The cup?
Mum was like yeah, he said you wanted a pic of a cup so I got the one you gave me for birthday thinking you wanna show it off to someone.
And I was like wtf!? What cup?
And she's like I don't know, Lauri said you wanted a pic of a cup.
So I got home from work and went on FB:

That's that then.

Also my body can't catch a break. Today's the first day I didn't take any antibiotics and I started my period lol

TS2072017

is it not happening then?

Okay, I'm so confused right now.
So on tuesday I got my tooth pulled. And I had to ride my bike to the pension and healthcare offices to get the money back for the tooth. Not gonna get that.
Anyway, I think all the riding, physical activity, made my tooth really hurt and bleed. Well, not the tooth cause it was out, but the hole.
Long story short, I'm on antibiotics now. The one pill I took during the day, made me feel sick for 7 hours. And the second one I took 4 hours ago and I'm feeling nothing. Okay, at about 20 minute mark on less I felt really woozy but that was it. No nausea whatsoever.
And during the day, the first pill gave me a little bit of tummy troubles and all and major nausea.
I called my supervisor at work and said I won't be coming in for three days next week cause I have to take the pills three times a day for at least five days.
I mean if it continues how it's going now with the second pill then I don't even have to miss work. But I think tomorrow with the full three pill day I'll be dying quite a bit.
Anyway, I'm taking Amoxicillin, 500mg a dose, every 8 hours - that's 6am, 2pm and 10pm.
I was so prepared to feel sick all night tonight... is it not happening then? :D

Oh yeah and I had a long fun chat about mental illnesses and shit with the girl I live with, Johanna. She sings well. I told her she should go on one of those superstar shows. She said she's wanted to for a while but never has. And her cousin or someone said the next time there are the auditions she will drag her there. :D Would be fun to support someone I personally know :)

Thank you!

Okay. So was on Facebook. In the anxiety group. And there was this victim-complexed, big-egoed sad little man there. In the comments under this thing:

Oh dear where do I even begin with this?
Okay, if I could have lived my life without pills - best outcome ever. But that is not the case.
I went to doctors for years! YEARS! And they couldn't give me a diagnosis. Apparently doctors like to say, "Where were you before?" and "Why are you only coming to the doctor now?".
Well, that is not the case with me. Went to doctors for years to get answers. I had no idea whatsoever about any mental illnesses. All I knew was that people can be "crazy", that's it.
I was diagnosed at 24. That was the first time on my life I was hearing about anxiety and depression. I had heard the words before but never knew what they actually mean or feel like, while actually going through them in real life.
I was so against pills. Especially cause I listened to my mum a lot and she told me not to ever go on those pills. That they're "bad" pills.
Also, I'd like to point out, it was no doctor that told me to go to a psychiatrist or seek councelling. It was my mum who told me to see a shrink cause every other doctor I'd been to kept telling me the test are fine and they can't find anything wrong with me. I was faaaaaar from feeling okay though so I obviously didn't believe them and kept going to more doctors to get answers.
So, at 24 I was diagnosed. But by that time my health had plummeted. I was not working anymore cause I felt physically too sick. Doctors had prescribed me so so so so so so many different (no antidepresants) pills, mostly for my stomach and none of them worked. Nothing made me feel better. Nothing! Cause my problems were not stomach related. It was just a symptom, the debilitating nausea. I was feeling sick constantly. Constantly, no breaks. If you go back to 2009 or 2010 on my blog you'll see how I was feeling. And that ill physical health brought on my depression. Cause I was just physically and mentally exhausted from feeling so sick all the time (not just nausea, general ill being aswell).
And all the doctors kept telling me I was fine. Cause their tests told so.
I became suicidal. Cause the doctors didn't believe me and the pills they did give me weren't helping. And I was just drained of life from the sickness. The depression only worsened my physical health, anxiety and my mood and way of thinking.
Then one time at a psychiatrist's office I told him I was done with life and had no hope left to ever get better. Why would I have hope when the docs tell me I'm fine and give me pills that make no difference?
I was desperate. When you're in that state where we can't even talk about not being able to work, socialize, do chores and the likes, when you're ina state when you can't even function on the very basic level, right there in the moment, in your body, not even in your life cause your life is completely out of the picture in that state, when you're in that state where you can't sleep, can't eat, can't think straight, can't even sit still, cannot concentrate on absolutely anything, other than the need to kill yourself cause the haywire in your body and brain are unbearable, you cling on to anything that can potentially make you feel better cause you're at a point where nothing can make you feel worse.
I was prescribed the antidepressant Mirtazapine. It completely knocked me out. For days. Weeks. But it made a little difference. At least I could sleep which I couldn't do before. It took away my nausea just a notch at times so I could eat more than before.
But my health, my immediate health, not the quality of my life - that is still out of the picture at this point, everything was still really bad.
I lived in ireland at the time and my dad kept calling me and telling em to come back home cause I "wasn't doing anything in Ireland". He meant the life - work, socializing etc. But he knew about my health.
I went back. And that was the complete breaking point to me. I hadn't been home for about three years. And with my health already this fragile, it couldn't handle all the emotions I got when I got back to Estonia. I stayed with my dad in county Viljandi while my mum lived in Tartu.
And my brain started to mess up on the first day I got in the country. I became obsessed with getting to Tartu. This whole shit-day is on my blog, around the 10th of July, 2010.
This obsession drove me literally insane, my body could not handle the emotions it was generating. My anxiety rose through the roof on the fifth day in the country.
I started getting constant severe anxiety. Not just a little "Oh I feel a little jittery." No. Severe anxiety. Severe nausea. Absolutely unable to concentrate on anything. I could not function on the basic level. I couldn not sit still even, there was no way I was able to do anything, like having a conversation or jsut being relaxed. It was not happening.
My father's family called the ambulance. And I was taken to the madhouse where I spent a month.
When I was taken to the hospital I was completely out of my mind. Not psychotic, just severely anxious. There was no way I could have tried to relax cause my brain was not working like a normal, healthy person's brain. The only thought process I had was having the thought of killing myself looping in my head cause my body was literally going haywire. I was not psychotic! I was just anxious. Severely anxious. There was no way I could have even tried to begin to start working on getting better. Without meds. I was absolutely unable to hold a conversation cause my anxiety made it impossible. All rationality was out the window. My body was working on instincts. My instinct was telling me to kill myself. Nothing else. My brain was a mush of insanity. Anxiety, not psychosis. I was well aware of everything that was happening in my surroundings but I was completely unable to engage. Later on the doctors told me when they first saw me they thought I was having a "schizophrenic episode". I was that bad but I was just having severe anxiety and wanted an out.
Now, this sad little man in the comments said, everyone is able to come out of anxiety and depression without meds. Okay, there was no way I was gonna be alive within a few weeks, maybe even days from that time. I did not have any space in my head for rational thought or the ability to receive any kind of therapy. I needed medication. Immediately. Anxiety and depression are illnesses and need to be treated according to their severity, just like any other illness.
In the hospital, I developed a fixation with how all food was plastic and shouldn't be put into body cause it makes you sick. I didn't want those thoughts. They were not rational. I knew I had to eat to survive and I wanted to eat. But my brain was making my body work against me no matter how hard I tried to eat or rationalize the importance of eating to myself. It would physically lock my throat so that I couldn't swallow. It would give me even more nausea and make me gag whenever something went down. Food was bad and it didn't belong in the body, is what my brain was telling my body. The nurses had to sit with me and count my little and few spoonfuls cause I was struggling so hard to eat.
I got out of the hospital, still on Mirtazapine. I was put on Escitalopram. To tame my anxiety.
I never felt better in hospital or when I got out. For a couple of years I struggled hard. Especially with eating. I just couldn't do it, still. My throat would lock and I had to slap myself in the face repeatedly to shock my body to unlock the throat.
Then I met my current psychiatrist. She put me on Olanzapine. And that pill saved my life! It was the first thing that I truly felt in my whole life, made an actual difference. i could eat! I've said this so many times on my blog how ignorant people say that pills like these don't make you gain weight. This pill made me gain 30+ kilos over the years. If I don't have any lifelong side effects from it or any damage then I'm doing good now, dropping most of the weight I gained. I'm going off the pill and it looks very likely I will get off of it. If not, I can maintain a very very very low dosage. Dosages like that are probably not even prescribed to patients. I had an ultrasound a while back and my liver looked fine.
My prolactine levels and white blood cell count were normal earlier thi year, so looks like no damage there either.
Oh and I quit Mirtazapine in 2015.
Now if walking in the woods would cure anxiety and depression, no one would ahve these conditions. And if the woods cured anxiety and depression they'd cure any other illness aswell. Anxiety and depression are not some abstract...things. They're actual illnesses. Physical illnesses. A walk in the woods will not balance your chemicals, it will not make your receptors work better. Just as it won't cure cancer or grow a limb to a limbless person.
This man in the comments said, he's been able to combat anxiety/depression without meds, so anyone could do it if they did it the right way.
Okay. When I was in that state when I went to the hospital, what would have been the right way to combat my anxiety? Given the fact that, I was gonna kill myself within weeks or days if there was no improvement in my wellbeing? Given the fact that there was no rational thinking? Given the fact I was completely unable to communicate in a productive way? Given the fact that I was just unable to to enagage with anything in my environment?
Also this man said he also beat cancer. Now, he said, weirdly enough, he beat it with chemo therapy. How is it okay to heal cancer with meds but not anxiety/depression? He said, he had no choice but antidepressants are a choice. Okay, so my choices were, like his, take the medicine or die suffering. Why is cancer so glorified and any mental illness completely belittled? You get so so so so many different physical symptoms with anxiety and unfortunately there is no euthanasia available if you suffer from anxiety. With cancer you will die quickly. But there is no quick way to go when you have anxiety and suicide is made very hard for people. It's definitely a lot easier to die from an illness than to take your own life cause of an unbearable illness. You kill yourself when all your energy is gone and somehow you have to find the courage to hurt yourself even more and end your life. How is that easier than cancer? Besides there are so many worse illnesses than cancer.
You can die from a papercut or a runny nose. Any illness that is severe is serious. And if you're feeling unwell you have to take care of yourself. And taking meds is one way to do it.
You don't have to suffer, it's okay to make yourself feel better and help yourself heal. With anxiety and depression, just like with any other illness.
Also, when you are as down as I was, you simply have no energy to fight the fight. That man or anyone who thinks mental illnesses are just "a bad mood" or "bad attitude" ahve clearly never been in that state, never experienced the severity of anxiety or depression.
Also, people who tell mentally ill people to just be positive... Like, I've been told I have my arms and legs, so I'm "fine". Baically to get over myself and be positive. Why don't you tell a legless person to be positive and get voer themselves and see if their leg will grow back. If it does one day, or if you can cure cancer with willpower or positivity, then you can come to me and preach about how unimportant non-existent mental illnesses are, but until then - go fuck yourself with your ignorance.
Thank you! :)

get along fine with everybody

Oh dear. What an active weekend!
On saturday, yesterday, I went to clean up Ilme's place. And I handed over my keys. So I'm officially living at a new place now.
I went to a bunch of shops and got a new lamp. And a "mattress" for my bed. It's actually a chair pillow, but actual mattresses are super expensive so I bought this thing.
And then I went to the cemetery to do my grandparents' grave.

So right now I should be on the good list with the dead. :)

 Oh yeah and I met a girl I used to be freinds with when I was a kid. She said we could get together sometimes. Exchanged phone numbers. She lives very close to me, in the same street.

Yeah and today were the Hansapäevad in Tartu. Went with the fam. My first official public appearance since I had my breakdown. Was pretty fun. Petting zoo was my fave. The "science town" could have been fun too but everything cost money so I didn't get to do much. Me and mum bought a rhubarb ice cream that was made with... nitrogen. You know, cooled down with it or something. Then I got the potato smasher and a little tiny bag for my work chip. We were even near the stage watching the dancers with loud music playing and I was fine.
And we went to a Chinese restaurant. Had spring rolls. Mum and her man had this rice and spicy chicken dish.
And bro and his girl had dumplings lol.

And today I met the dude that lives at my new place. Seemed like a nice guy. I soooo hope we'll get along fine with everybody.

7th of July 2017

Okay so. I moved. 7th of July 2017.
Everything went well. The moving of my things went fast and well.
I got unpacked in about an hour or so.
Fam was over after the move, had cake which I bought at 50% discount cause it was a day expired.
Then the landlord came over and installed a new lock on my door.
Thta doesn't work properly though. Like when the door is open I can lock it and get the key out. When the door is closed and I lock it I can't get the key out. Ugh. Maybe I'm just stupid.
Oh and mum brought a lamp for me. Yeah it has the weird cord end thingy that doesn't fit any of the outlets in my room. Ugh. So right now I have the ceiling light on.
Ah, and I didn't know how to run the shower so I had a bath. Was super nice. I hope nothing will go wrong here. I really get a positive feeling off this place.

Tomorrow I'll go back to Ilme's place and clean up my room a bit. It's mostly done, just a little something something.
And if I can be bothered then I'll go to the cemetery to clean up the grandparents' grave.

sad

So I'm still sad about my cactus.
This made me little happier today though:

Probably broken english but yeah he noticed me. Again! And the sad thing is, I do not live in Ireland anymore and I can't see him perform.
What a sucky day it is today.

felt so bad and upset

So I was just taking a nap with the window open. Was woken by two people arguing outside. My heart started pounding super fast and I felt so upset lol I had to get up. I didn't catch the whole argument but I think there was a guy in a car and a woman on a bike with her kid somewhere and they were trying to cross the road and the man in the car told her to get off the bike or something. I dunno, I felt so bad and upset.

Doesn't go unnoticed

Okay, saw I'm taking Olanzapine every 4 days now. My body's responding. Doesn't go unnoticed. Unfortunately. So far it's not unbearable. I'm just clenching my jaw again. Started a couple of days ago. Hopefully nothing else/worse will show.
Yeah, still at my old place. Probably will be moving on Friday.

such an ignorant fucking cunt

Shit, I feel even worse now. I googled about my cactus. To help it. And I came across this:

The bigger cactus I have had this little dark fluffy thing on it and I picked it off!!!!!! Cause I thought it was a dead baby. Shit! I'm a such an ignorant fucking cunt!!!! Fuck!!!!! It was gonna be a fucking flower!!!!!! Shit I hate how fucking stupid I am!!! My poor cacti have to suffer cause of me. Makes me wanna cry. I just want the best for my babies and I keep screwing them up!!
I can literally feel physical pain in my chest from my stupidity and the hurt I've caused to my plants.
Fuck!
Like I'm in panic mode right now. I know my plants are not well, well the little one anyway, and I wanna do something eventhough I know (but what the fuck do I really know anyway!?) that the best thing to do right now, is just let them be.

pull through, little guy

Okay, sad news. I think I killed my little cactus. It's still very limp and crooked. I touched it. The needles don't hurt, they're super soft and the cactus is squishy. Ugh, I feel so bad. I only wanted to take care of it and wanted the best for it. I have three sticks holding it up right now. Please pull through, little guy! :(

Yeah and I was supposed to take most of my things to the new place yesterday. Mum and her man came in his car but it was pissin' out so we didn't. They just took the bags with stuff I didn't need and took it to their place.

Oh and yesterday I was so tired after work. Came home, bathed, cooked, ate and went to sleep. When normally before going to sleep I like daydream I guess of like "video clips" and "sound", then yesterday the video and sound machine in my brain went on a fritz. I only saw still pics and the sound slurred. Fell asleep very quickly.

"Summer" 2017

Okay. This is a video I took on June 26th this year:

Like, if it was a thunderstorm I would understand but...hail?

Also, this happened later that day:

Taken through a window. Pretty prominent.

the enctrance to my room

Ahh, went to my new place today and got to talk to the girl that lives there. Thank goodness she's young. Seemed pretty normal and nice. I hope everyone will get along and that the owners won't be selling the place and that I can afford it.
Went out to the shops to see the prices of things I need for the place. Should manage somehow. I definitely need a good pan. Preferrably a wok pan, just something large and deep cause I like my stir fry type of things and need loads of space for the veg in a pan. And when they're still uncooked they take up so much space in the pan.
Ahh, I was so happy when I was in my new room today.
Also, I cannot lock my bike onto anything in the building. So I just gotta buy a sturdier lock and just lock the bike so you can't ride it. I hope no one will pick it up and put it in a van or something and ride off with it.
Anyhoo, here's some pic of my room:

 The door is the enctrance to my room.

 My bed and the balcony.

The desk and window.
From the balcony this is the view:

If you look to the left... looks green enough

And if you look to the right...this beautiful industrial looking roof

This is the view from the desk window. I see water! Have to go down there sometime. This dude was feeding birds there :)

Takes me through the memories

Yeah I signed the contract at my new place today. I hope it'll be a good change.
Ilme came into my room crying sayin it's sad I'm leaving or she's sorry or something.
Felt uncomfortable. I really do not feel that close to her to take her tears. I just told her someone else will move in instead. I did look up some brokers for her online.
Yeah and I cleaned up my whole room today and packed up my stuff. I would  be ready to move out today but whatever... will be next weekend I guess.
I have quite a few big bags going back to my mum's house. Don't need all that crap at my new place.
Ahhh, and I'm kinda loving reuploading my Sims pics. Takes me through the memories. But it'll be the longest process ever cause I literally have thousands of pictures.
Oh yeah and I'm talking to this half normal guy online. I don't like how much self pity he talks though.

sun bleached

So today I realised my beautiful purple bag that I got only last year is sun bleached. I'm very bummed about it. I like the bag but it's losing colour so...
Ahh yes and it's friday!