My Spotify 2018

 The songs are:
1. Let Me Go by Hailee Steinfeld & Alesso
2. Whenever by Conor Maynard
3. Hey Yo by Brooke Hogan & Colby O'Donis
4. When We Stand Together by Nickleback
5. I Miss You by Julia Michaels & Clean Bandit

I don't necessarily agree with Let Me Go. I definitely liked and listened to Capital Letters more but okay.

darkness

Okay, tomorrow night it's the new year. Can I have long light days starting on the first day of 2019? I'm permenently sick of this darkness already.

Fuck!

Fuck! I have a fever!!!! :( I don't have the time to be sick! The other woman I'm covering is on her vacation. I don't want the work undone or for her to come back early and fucking start covering me. I hope I won't completely fall apart. I just feel dizzy, have a little headache and feel weak right now. No nausea, runny nose or cough. Please body! Do not do those to me! I gotta take it easy at work. If I still feel like this tomorrow or even worse I'll send a message and ask to do the minimum at work. I absolutely hate not doing what I have to, especially now as the other woman is away.

relaxing music

Yesterday I listened to some "chill" "meditation" or "yoga" music.
Yeah it made me feel unbearably nostalgic and lonely. Never again listening to that relaxing music.

kindly leave, thanks

Shit. I have a sore throat and have a marathon of a week at work starting tomorrow.
Will be working til friday. Also covering the other woman's shifts. Okay, I'll pop some vitamins and throat spray and head to bed to start the thing tomorrow. I was worried I might fall ill when I have to cover the other woman. I'm not ill yet and Idon't plan to so the soreness I feel will have to kindly leave, thanks.

Take it easy!

Okay, sauerkraut juice!
Take it easy!

What's new with you?

Hey hey! Long time no talk.
My brain wants to pop out of every hole in my head. What's new with you?

earlier this year

Just some pics from earlier this year.
Think it was lasyt winter I bought these sunglasses for myself. For when I ride the biketo protect my eyes from snowfall, rain, wind, bugs and the brightness of snow. And sun I guess.

These pics aren't the best but they are such happy day glasses. It feels like the sun is constantly out when wearing them. Such a beautiful thing in winter when it's all grim, gloomy and black and white. It looks awfully yellow in pics but much better in... real. Also, the pics are taken 26.03.2018.

Now this. My old baby. Baby Asus.

This is how busted my screen was on my old laptop. This is taken on 15.03.2018. I was at my mum's using the TV as the screen and take all my crap off of the thing and put it all on my new laptop. Was just clearing the whole thing before giving it to my borther.

Also, maybe mentioned before but...

There was this scrap and crap festival this summer. My mum's man wanted to sell this car he had bought foolishly. I totally put a half naked babe there to attract more attention. And I totally erased the watermark on it too. Theft. But it all looked crappy and faint when printed out. Nobody was interested at the festival anyway. Long gone now though. 13.08.2018.

Also this pic from my old place. I was chilling quietly on my laptop with only the ceiling light now and the freaking balcony door open. Some crazy sounding bug got stuck in the chandelier. I was trying to lure it out with my desk lamp. Didn't work. It was making crazy scary buzzing noises so I knew I had to get it out cause it was so noisy. And scary. I still hadn't seen the bug.
Eventually I had to pick it out with something and the thing fell... somewhere. It was like 3am and I knew I couldn't go to bed with that scary thing somewhere in my room. I put the desk lamp on the floor and turned off the ceiling one to lure it out again but nothing. I couldn't find it!!! I was so spooked. Anyway I soon smelled it. It was the stink bug. It was sitting under my bed, on the ribs and the bottom of my mattress. I got it out. Threw it off the balcony and went to bed. This was July 30, 2018.

And I loathe phone apps in general but I got one when I had real bad tooth ache andcouldn't sleep and had to go to the dentist.

This green one I did when I was still at home. Choose my kinda greenish tones and...
The blue one is just patriotic.

And the yellow one I did to send my mum. Her fave colour has been yellow for a while. Think she's going back to red now.

And the next ones I did at the dentist. While freaking out. Agoraphobia. I'm literally just scared of sitting in the chair and not getting out when I want to. I don't mind the pain or discomfort. In fact I like them cause they distract me from anxiety. Anyway...

 Used red cause I was freaking out and I hate red.

Used purple cause I was freaking out and I hate purple.

Used mint cause I was freaking out and I hate mint.
Was a fun app for the day.I still have it. I guess I'll use it again if I need to focus on something to distract me.
These pics happened 13.august 2018

my mum

Did I ever tell you about my mum?
Cause...

...my mum.

see moment kui...

Just lol'd the shit out of myself for the last ten minutes over this.

Just me and my life!

Holy fucks! I was diagnosed with endometriosis a while ago. I've had pains and bleeding for over a year now.
And right now the pain is so bad and I've felt nausea for a few days too. Man! No more fucking pills please! Leave my hormones alone!
I've been going to the loo like a hundred times. It's so bad on my bladder. And I feel like I have bowel issues too. It just fucks everything up.
At least I can use my blog right!?

Been to the doc with this. They say only pills or surgery is the way to "treat" the little blood... sacks? Ugh. I don't want either! I wanna live a normal life. No more pains, discomfort, nausea, pills, doctors, focus on health! Just me and my life!

two celebs

This week I've seen two celebs.
First I saw this glammed up woman in Rimi. That's why she caught my eye. I kept looking at her cause she was wearing this dark blue sparkly dress. And then eventually it dawned on me it was Maria Listra.
And then she walked out with her bottle of water, chatting on the phone and nobody gave any fucks. And I was there, paying for my crap and thinking just imagine this being in like fucking America and one of her fame level celebs. She would have been mobbed. Also, no American celeb would have gone to the freaking supermarket for a bottle of water in her situation. She either finished a gig or was going to one. What weird cultural differences.

And then yesterday I was walking out of the building at work when I saw Guido Kangur. He looked psychotic. lol

Yeah and I moved in september. All is well. That's why I haven't posted. Not much to complain about. I mean there are things but... meh.

Oh and I just remembered, there was a third one, celeb, I saw a while ago. Some woman. Think it was Diana Klas. Not sure if it was her. It was some woman I'm pretty sure. :D

cruel life

My fucking heart!

She was so hopeful and positive. Such a hard hit. It's incredible how cruel life can be. I was so so so scared of this day.

I didn't wanna be a creep

Me leaving the place

On the bridge. Could have been a better pic but there was a couple smooching near by and I didn't wanna be a creep and be aorund them.

eesti keel

I think it's cause I went down town today to see what exactly was going on. There a big screen up with patriotic songs being broadcasted. And it was too overwhelmingly overwhelming for me I couldn't stay. I had to listen to the songs from afar, by the river.

So... it's only natural I went through old Estonian songs at home. See on eesti keel!

Happy birthday, you old bud.

...yeah.

My evening started with listening to the Ballaadid album by Hannah and ended with Toe Tag's Kamoon, noh.

...yeah.

This is the first day in forever

My my. Long time no talking, posting. I guess life has been good. I mean I started this blog when my shit started to go south and now I'm posting less so...
Anyway, in July I stared my new job. Still janitoring but at a new place. I just like my job. I hope I will continue liking it.

The view from the window. The glass was mirroring so never mind that. Also the colours aren't the best in this pic but whatever. It's actually really pretty.

Also I had my first root canal done in july. Was alright. No pain during. Not much anxiety either. I actually started to fall asleep eventually. The only painful thing was to keep my mouth open for so long. My was hurting but the tooth... didn't even feel it. Ached for a few days afterwards a little. Nothing significant. An extraction hurts more and that doesn't even hurt lol.
Have my follow up next week. I think they'll be trying to kill my tooth one more time before wrapping it up.

Also mum is fine, talking about health. She had her gallbladder removed. Was apparently more serious than your regular gallbladder stone issues. She's already working and all.

And continuing with health talk, I went back on mirtazapine. Probably for no reason. A week before my mum went to hospital I started having headaches. And I never get them. I've literally had 2 headaches in my life, one period from iron pills and the other when I had the trigeminal nerve issue.
I had no explanation to the pains. Also had insomnia. I was thinking maybe the change of job gave me anxiety/stress and then the mum business happened. Didn't make sense though.
My blood tests came out fine as per usual.
So I started taking mirtazapine to be able to sleep and if it was a stress issue then it would have helped too. I dunno to this day what it was. Lasted about three weeks. I'm thinking it was some sort a virus cause I went to my therapist straight away too. I actually talked to my old psychologist, not the psychiatric nurse. And she kinda thought too it might have been some virus cause I had sore or dry, tired eyes too and anxiety doesn't really do that. My GP thought it's either stress or from having wet hair in the wind. Nowadays people swim and are out naked and wet. I didn't do it but I always had a shower before work and would ride my bike to work with wet hair so... that could have been it. It got bad again one day after getting better but it's been fine now. I dunno wether to go off mirtazapine or not. I'll see my psychiatrist this month too so I'll take it till I see her and tell her about it too. I know I self medicated but it's a tried and tested drug. I don't think my doc would have said no either. I got the prescription from my GP cause the shrink was on holiday.

Um had a fun day on wednesday this week. Dad's fam came over and we went swimming. My first time this year although it's been unbearably hot for over a month now I think. It's the summer of heatwave. Waiting for pics from dad.

No man still. Just talking to a guy on FB. He has depression and anxiety. I've always said I'd never date anyone with those but we'll see...

This is the first day in forever, like a month, when the heat isn't over 30 degrees I think. At least there was less direct sunlight but it was still hot.

my last week

Mum had an operation. Hoefully will feel better now and will make a full recovery.

Also what got me writing... :D My neighbour's singing All By Myself :D I can't tell if it's good or bad cause I can't hear it that well but... Shit, I wish I lived on the other side of the wall of Alison Krauss.

Also had to clean the fish tank at work today again. I hope the water/air pump will start working when the man who I talked to promised to go check it later. I really do not want the fish to suffer or die.

Oh this is my last week at my current work place. Had a woman and her friend come and look at the two objects I'm at right now. I hope she'll say yes. I'm so excited. I really wanna train someone to do my job well.

And I hope I can go and see mum at the hospital tomorrow. Hopefully she feels better.

this must be bad

So yeah. Mum's in the emergency. Not freaking out properly yet but ughhhhh.. Knowing she never goes to the doctor, this must be bad.

My life is a flower right now, with odd full moons

Fuck the moon! I had such a bad night last night. I had proper physical anxiety, nausea, tension, unable to sleep, yadi yada, the full works.
No cause to it on my part. I didn't freak out emotionally cause I knew there had to be an outside source. The moon. It's full tomorrow. Like any "scientist" who says the moon doesn't affect the health/human body can go fuck themselves. If it can affect the tides, it can affect the human body, okay!? I'm living proof of it. Probably gonna feel like shit tongith aswell. Oh well.
Wanna get a good night's sleep though cause I'm gonna go to the hospital tomorrow for a more thorough blood testing. My prolactin levels last time, um maybe January 2017, were 519 and now, last week they were 580 something. The endocrinologist said it could be from stress too. I have no stress, so please let's not go there. My life is a flower right now, with odd full moons.

At least saturday was good. Half good. Mum came to town and we went to the art gallery and the botanic garden. Art gallery had bad art and the botanic garden was too hot to view the plants. Like, the greenhouse parts and the outside part had gnats.

Yeah okay then... I'm off to eat brwakfast now. Tried to sleep as long as possible cause I kept waking up constantly.

9th of August, three years from now

Fuck I had a terrible dream. My dad was acting really weird. Like... suicidal and like a fucking Duracel bunny all over the place. It was disturbing.
He called me into a room and told me there was something he needed to tell me. He was still being super fucking weird. He said, "I have three years left:" I was worried. I thought he has cancer or something. Then he proceeded, "If I do not know how to play the guitar well in three years, that's it! Why is it so hard!?" Like, I got the impression he was gonna kill himself cause he couldn't play the guitar as well as his friends or something. He doesn't even play the guitar in real life!
And he specified the date, 9th of August, three years from now which would make it 2021 I think. But I did ask "Is it three years starting from this year's 9th of August or is the first year running already?" He kinda said, it was runnign already, so it's 2020.
I told me stepmum this in my dream. She didn't seem concerned. She said he had said it was 7 years from now. And she basically said he has a miflife crisis and is acting out cause his friends do not wanna spend time with him eventhough he turns the friends down himself. Fuck!
And then I wanted to call the police or ambulance or something cause at one point he was acting really really weird. We were walking outside and a fucking goat was running loose. It all happened in my dad's hometown in my dream. And then I had to fucking catch the goat so it could be locked up again. I did catch it.
It was a really disturbing dream!

Christina Aguilera

lol Christina Aguilera's team got me banned on Twitter. :D They will probably delete my Google accounts too. :D

I told them I won't be deleting anything and I didn't say anything wrong. So it's okay to produce porn music videos but when you point it out it's promoting violence, harrassing and threatening? Are they out of their minds? Stop releasing such music videos then.
I really do not give a fuck if they delete my account though lol. I had it on private for years and years, was not there to actibely socialize anyway. I'm more of a blog type of person where I can flesh out my ideas.

crashing now

Wow. :D
I'm alive!
Apparently when you haven't slept properly it's time for the body to have maximum energy and motivation.
I pretty much haven't slept at all, what with it being the full moon and all. Anyway, today is a day off thanks to the spring holiday. Good times.
I see my last post was about the fish at work, so why don't I start with them again, after this whole while.
I dunno how often it should be done or when it was last done but probably not this year, the fish tank needed to be cleaned. In the newer video there's green crap on the glass. I volunteered to clean it since the worker who cleans it is on sick leave for a month. And I felt bad for the fishies for swimming in their filth. Did it on saturday. And I swear I have never ever been this sore in my life as I was afterwards. My back, arms and legs were killing me on sunday. But the tank's clean. I took out the stones and the ships too. New stones should be put in.
Anyway, was hard but cute.

Then in March I had two weeks off. I gave my boss and ultimatum: I either get time off work or I leave on the spot. My hands, fingers and arms were busted from mopping the slushy floor at work. Ugh, the transition from winter to spring is horrible floor mopping wise!
I spent the almost two weeks at mum's. I didn't really do anything there cause I didn't wanna use my hands at all. Total rest.

My hands are a little better now. Still stiff and sore sometimes in the morning. But back then I couldn't even hold a freaking plate in my hands when I had to wash dishes.

Yeah and I've been dealing with my itching too. So my GP said it must nerves. The rheumatologist said it must be nerves. Allergy doctor said it must be nerves. Skin doctor said it must be nerves after she saw me scratch my arm. Yeah, only crazy people scratch themselves. Later on during the appointment she scratched her arm herself. I wanted to ask if she had problems with her nerves.

Yeah but at my second appointment she kinda believed I had allergy or something cause when I normally do not have any physical symptoms then  at my mum's I had red spots on my knee and I showed her the pic.

And not much has happened. Ooh, only when the weather got really warm for two days a while ago I got anxiety from it. Nice.

Anyway, I feel I'm crashing now. Gotta go nap.

Damn, I have so many pics and selfies to post and update.

Fishy business

Okay, so here's the thing I wanted to post about for quite some time.
First, let's take a look at this old video:

There are three white fish. I wanna talk about the one who has a little red in the tail, the one in the vid's last couple of seconds.
This little guy fell ill last year. It started hanging out at the bottom of the tank. At first I thought it was sort of hibernating, sleeping a lot cause it was dark in the winter. Don't judge, I don't know fish.
But then it became clear it was sick. I wanted to separate it and give it some medicine or something. But I was told by the workers there there was no point cause it was physically sick. Apparently it got stuck in one of the ships and hurt itself. Before christmas break I was hoping it would die over the holiday cause it looked sick. But it didn't.
T'It was hard to see it suffer. I would feed the fish a couple of time. Not my job in general. And the sick guy couldn't position its body so that the head is upwards to eat the food floating on water. So heartbreaking. It would take it forever to even get to the top. Sometimes the other fish would push it up and around.
Anyway, this year, around valentine's day, it got really...dying. It wasn't just sick anymore, it was flatout dying, in agony. It needed to be killed to end its suffering.
So on valentine's day a guy took care of the fish. I dunno how but I hope it died that day. It deserved to.
But the place needs a certain amount of fish in the tank. So a new one was brought in.

This little red one. This was filmed on its first day in the tank. Maybe a couple of hours in if even that. It will grow a little bigger but it's a different fish. I was scared the bigger ones would eat it but it's alive to this day, luckily. I have fed the fish again to see if the new guy is eating. It is.
So this friends' day was good. The sick fish got relief and a new friend joined the gang.

Weird country, weird people

Also, have been wondering for a while. You know how americans say america is so great and it's so damn honorable being an american. Okay, cool.
Why do you need guns though? Why do you feel the need to to kill another american or feel threatened by another american at all times to have guns?
Weird country, weird people.

Also, because of the school shootings there... Why do people say when one of those sickos murders a bunch of kids that the person is mentally ill or not right in the head or whatever along those lines. Why is mental illnes only valid when shit like this happens? When you don't go out to murder someone you just have "attitude problems" which you need to "get over" and just "be positive" in general and "choose to be healthy". Why is mental illnes only valid when it makes the person hurt other people? Why is it non existent to people when the illness hurts one person or when the illnes makes the person hurt only themselves. Why is it a choice then but when it's mass murder it's sickness? Fuck, people are stupid!

"Go get a job, you crook!"

Well, it's Estonia's 100th birthday.
Was gonna go out and see people swimming but it's -17C and I feel like I'm about to get pneumonia, freaking cancer and AIDS by just thinking about it. Who in their right mind gets naked in this cold and goes into freezing water!?

Ugj, and I've been slacking when it comes to blogging. So in short, I have crazy itches, probably have mentioned it before. Apparently it's still some allergy. Am taking pills for it.

But just in case I'm also taking these herbal pills and drinking herbal teas to cleanse my body/liver. Just to support it a little.

The floors at work have been fucking crazy! So hard to clean and my hands, fingers, palms, wrists, forearms, elbows and shoulders have been killing me. Bought an essential oil to mix with the emollient cream and apply on the joints.

Um, mum's birthday will be in a couple of months. A while ago at a place I clean, there's also a beauty clinic type of thing. Got talking to the woman there. Wanna do permanent eyelashes for mum for her birthday. Will see how it goes. If it works and looks nice, I might do it for myself too :)

Oh my two cactuses. The little one was sent back to my mum's place to recover, hopefully. The bigger one is still in town with me. I have been looking for little cactus pots so I could plant one of it's babies in spring. Maybe I even get to fertilize it and get flowers.

Oh and last week I think it was, I was out in town with mum. Walked to the bus station, she was about to go home. On our way there we walked past a group of three gypsies. Mum said to me, "Hopefully they won't talk to us". She then went inside to make sure where the bus was stopping. I was waiting for her outside. And sure enough on the gypsies came over and asked for 50 cents. I told her straight away I didn't wanna, I didn't have. Cut her off.
Then she wnet on to ask another woman for money. The gypsy was smoking a cigarette and the woman said, "You're asking for money while you can afford cigarettes?" Good question.
The mum came back out and asked if I was bothered. I said yes.
Then we sat and chatted. And again, another gypsy approached us. I saw her wanting to talk to my mum. I covered my mum's eyes/face with my hands and told the gypsy not to talk to her, she was not interested and didn't wanna give her any money. The gypsy quipped back that I would never get married/a man.
Okay bitch. First. I have 80% level of disability, I only have the partial ability to work, yet I work three jobs that are not even part time and I'm on benefits. Why the fuck do I have to give you my money that comes so hard to me!? You are perfectly fine to work yourself and yet you spend your days at the fucking bus station asking people for their hard earned money. And then when we refuse to give it to you, for all the rightful reasons, you "curse" us!? Go fuck yourself, you cunt! So fucking lazy and ungreatful!
Yeah, the bitch walked off and I yelled, "Go get a job, you crook!" Yeah you say I won't get a man which doesn't even depend on you, but I say you won't get money and you won't cause you asked me and it depends on me. And fuck anyone who says this is racist or xenophobic, they play their own gypsy card by "cursing" you. Like it fucking matters! Besides in this day and age, I might be a lesbian. Get with the times, gypsy!

Anyway, that day mum was in town cause she wanted to buy Lauri's girlfriend a birthday gift. We walked into a shop and I was the cutest hoodie, sweater. I told her to buy it. She did. But I also bought it for myself too. lol It was just too cute not to buy. I just won't go to my my mum's place in it, just so I won't make the girlfriend feel bad. I don't care but she's young and she might.

Oh and on monday I have a test day at the post office. Sounds like a lovely kind of work. Sorting the mail. But on regular actual work days I have to be there at 4:30 in the morning. I would literally have to get up at three ir something at night. Normally I haven't even gone to sleep at that time. Oh well.

I guess I'll leave it at that. There's a little cute somehting something I wanna talk about but will put it in another blog entry.

again

Okay so... I'm a little worried. Been having belly aches since sunday. Had major spotting or even flatout bleeding today. And my lower back is aching and everything. Shit! Is it the hormones? Is it the tumor? I'm annoyed. I don't wanna bleed. Sent a long ass letter to my GP. I still ich majorly, all over my body now and have bruises again.

All I'm askin' Is for a little...

So had a potboiler type of thing today. A cleaning job. Got 70 euros but... Just found out the apartment was broken into by this estonian singer. Fuck you dude! Not ever gonna listen to your crappy band now. I mean I never planned to anyway but I especially will not now. The people in the apartment escaped from him and the police was called and everyone left the same day and I was the one who had to clean up the place.

Yeah this weekend I have worked more than I usually do on workdays. Fun times.

Just like the old times

So yeah I feel like I only come here nowadays to complain or to compain about my health. Just like the old times then, eh? Well, for the fourth or fifth time in about a year or so I have low body temperature again. Makes me feel like shit. It's not catastrophically low, 36,2, but I feel like complete shit. Too low for my body. Started yesterday. Got shaky legs at work. Had a bad and sick night and feel like shit all day today.
I'm pretty sure it' cause of olanzapine still eventhough the last time I took it was in november, 23rd to be exact. Hopefully that's the last of it. I dunno if it messed up my body for good or if it's still withdrawing and getting used to living without pills. I stopped gabapentin about a week ago too. Thinking of taking one tonight to see if it makes me feel any better. Something is messed up with my brain or thyroid I'm sure, hopefully not for life.

Also, my itching has got a lot worse. It used to be just hands and feet and now it's all over my body. My head included and outer lady parts too. Am I supposed to put the moisturiser there aswell?

Oh and have had slight bruising again too.


The good things... went to the Ahhaa centre with my therapist and a group of patients. Was fun. I love science. I just wish it would come out with a(n OTC) pill that raises body temperature.

Also I had an interview at this new workplace and a test/try out day. A janitor position at the cinema. Didn't get it. Oh well. I'd just like something new.

This weekend I got a non official job. Cleaning, but it was cut short cause I was feeling like shit and had to come home. Will go back tomorrow to finish the job. And I have one official one to do aswell.

Other than that it's going quite good :)

birds

Okay, it's almost a fortnight since new year's eve. Isn't it cute how a few years ago when the birds mass died after new year's and they tried to blame it no fireworks? Where are the birds this year? Are they still processing the fireworks in their little bird brains? Are they dead stuck in the sky? Is the medical/military crap still in development or tested on other animals?

the bitch started getting sarcastically smartassy

lol just as the bitch started getting sarcastically smartassy she finds the fucking slash. Problem solved.
Took me fucking two days though.

the funnest time

It's the funnest time looking for a specific single forward slash in an HTML code for a blog theme.

gonna take the plunge

Okay, gonna take the plunge I think. Going out to buy a menstrual cup. I mean I can't even get a tampon in.... But I don't trust those poisonous and dangerous blood suckers anyway.

quality and money

Just re-read my last post. Clearly written at 3am lol.

Also, I want a new job. Just to change it up a bit and I feel like I could do something better in terms of I guess quality and money.

Not the first time

Holy cow! I feltlike shit yesterday. Couldn't figure out why. Felt like I had a cold, anxiety, fever and just shit.
Found otu today it's supermoon time. Fuck how this stuff affect the body.
Not the first time either.
So anyone who says I make up stuff myself about it, I don't. I never knew it was full mood time. Oh well, I can be calm aout it now then. Wish I had known about it last night.

The dogs have calmed and are asleep