one sock

So the guy who my co-worker thought I had a crush on... Asked him today about the girlfriend-Facebook thing. He started saying I had added him on instagram. I never have! lol And then he simply said then it's not me and problem solved. Okay.

Also, I go to sleep with my socks on. When it's warm enough I take them off with my feet, so the socks stay at the foot of my bed. So, how the hell did I ever wake up this morning with one sock on my damn pillow!? I have absolutely no idea how it got there. So weird.

terrified of them

Oh dear. I feel sooo sooo sleepy. Am too scared to go to sleep. I don't want any toothaches anymore. If I get an ache then I gotta buy the antibiotics and take them. I'm terrified of them.

unravelled

Oh dear. Some shit unravelled at work today :D
Oh man. All this time I've been conversing with my co-worker about my crush and she has been telling me about him. Today we found out we have been talking about two different people all along. For months.
Argghh, I'm back to square one on that front again. I can't even remember how it unravelled but she said he had broken up with his girlfriend and was looking for some new ones. On facebook apparently. And she told me to hit him up on there. And I said I don't even know his last name. And then she said they have name placards on desks. And I was like, "What!?" Cause my crush works in the garage part fixing cars. Ain't nobody got any desks or name placards over there. And then we realised we have been talking about two different guys all this time.
Like, she had previously told me to talk to him and I was like I can't, cause I never see him. And she today said she thought it was really weird I don't see him cause we work in the same part of the building.
Oh and he doesn't have a daughter either. My co-worker is russian and she messes up words like "tütar", "tütarlaps" and "tüdruk".
Fuuucckk! :D What a crazy fucking day! Starting with my tooth and then I learn I know absolutely nothing about my actual crush and know shit about this other dude. Like this other dude my co-worker was talking about I've talked to him quite a lot, especially when I started working there and I have no feelings for him whatsoever.
Also if I understood this correctly, apparently I added the dude's girlfriend to my friend list on Facebook. I have old family members there and about 4 friends. Who of them dates him!? One of them must have dumped him. I wanna ask him tomorrow. Cause I do not add random strangers to my friend list on there.
Also all I know about my crush now is that he is "the intelligent type" and "a good chap".

you bitch tooth

Just got back from the dentist. Man, I was trembling soooooo much. Anxiety was through the roof. I kept apologizing for shaking so much. It was very visible and I struggled to keep my mouth open cause my body was jerking all kindsa ways and I had no control over it. Fuck!
And it turns out, the tooth isn't a wisdom tooth. It's a necessary one so I'm gonna do the whole 350 euro treatment to it. Fun times. :D I don't even know if I have a job in June when I have to go there next so...dunno if I even have the money at that time. This will be my first root canal.
Also I was prescribed antibiotics. Okay, you bitch tooth. You better not start inflaming or aching again. I got a little treatment to it today to stop the pain but I probably have to buy the antibiotics too. Have no clue how I'm gonna take them cause they fucking kill me. Ughhhhhh.
Anyway, I'm starving now but not allowed to eat. Think I'll just try to sleep a little. I'm too scared though cause I just know I will get the pain again.

You cause me so much pain

Craps! Why is it that every time I start feeling sleepy early, go to sleep and wake up feeling like shit a couple of hours later. It's ALWAYS like that. This time it's my tooth. Won't let me sleep. Now will stay up and go to the dentist for 8am. Have to pull that shithead out. Fuck you, bitch! You cause me so much pain! And what's weird is that, it doesn't hurt as much when I'm up. It only goes unbearable when I'm laying down or trying to sleep. I'm so done with this damn fucker. Think it's a wisdom tooth anyway.

health wise and also money and comfort wise

Okay, today was... a day.
I actually went over to the big car shop boss and asked him if he decides to decline the cleaning company's offer whether I could still work in the shop for another cleaning company. He told me to leave my name and number. I did. Just in case.
I told my supervisor that I feel like health wise I wanna stay in the car shop. I didn't tell her I left my name and number with the boss.
Like I feel a little like I betrayed the cleaning company but I mean, I am working for myself. So I wanna work where I can and want. Just hope if I get transfered those people are as normal as my current cleaning company's people. I have no problem whatsoever with my job company but I don't wanna clean another object cause of my anxiety. Gotta do what most suitable for me, health wise and also money and comfort wise.
I just hope nobody gets mad at me and that it doesn't come back to bite me in the ass somehow.

We good? Okay.

Ah, just noticed I haven't blogged in a week! How!? lol
Well, don't wanna jinx it but I'm doing a lot better health wise. No effing jinx, okay body!? We good? Okay.
I got prescribed even smaller dosage of Olanzapine. Right now I'm taking a quarter of 10mg every other day. Will buy the 5mg one and take a quarter of that every four? days.
Like this.
2,5mg
no pill
1,25mg
no pill
And then 2,5 again and so on
I just slowly tapering.

Yeah and my disability money business should be sorted. Get good money from there.

But my job stuff is still uncertain. Dunno if the car shop and the cleaning company can compromise. Should find out this week. If I understood correctly if the car shop doesn't accept our offer then this should be my last week at work. Or maybe a little longer then so they can find a new cleaning company.
If they don't accept the cleaning company's offer and call off the contract I wanna stay in the car shop. And not with the cleaning company. Like, the people at the cleaning company are super nice to me but I gotta think of my anxiety and money.
It would be healthier for me to stay there. I'm just thinking of asking them what new cleaning company they're going for, the car shop, then contact the new company and tell them I already work at the shop and would like to keep cleaning there and if it would be okay to switch cleaning companies and work for them. Hopefully it will be as easy.
But maybe the car shop accepts the offer and all is good. I just hope they won't make me work on saturdays cause I'd like to go to mum's place in summer at the weekends.

Fun fact

I’m dying. Send dopamine antagonists!
Fun fact, olanzapine is a dopamine antagonist, the medication I'm supposed to go off of right now.
Fun fact number 2, trying to go off of that pill makes me feel sick in general and also nauseated. I treat my nausea with Cerucal. Which is also a dopamine antagonist. Great! I can't even treat my nausea cause them medications are basically the same thing. I'll just keep eating my ginger-oak bark-blueberry pills then.
Been feeling super sleepy and poorly since before 1am. And as always I can't go to sleep like this cause I know I'll wake up feeling even sicker.
Will try to watch a film I guess.

Still

Still don't know how work things are but learned today that my work crush was broken up with by his girlfriend. I didn't get overly happy. I just asked my source if he was sad. And then I remembered I still very much look like a potato so I still have no chance with him lol

love tweet

Another love tweet and reply.

On another note. I haven't really felt like myself lately. I was a little sick about a week ago or so and yeah... my appetite is now gone and messed up. Think it might be the Olanzapine dosage decrease. I just feel weird.
Also, I still hope I get to keep my job.
Oh and I learned today my psychologist is going on a maternity leave this year. Dunno how long for. Talked a little about being pregnant. She gave me a little hope. Like, she told me that emetophobia is no reason to not fall pregnant, that this fear can be overcome. She said there's special pills for pregnancy nausea. Ahhh, just have to find a nice man first.

debts or state budgets

One more thing for today... I don't understand how countries have debts or state budgets. Like, who's in control of all the money in the world? Can't the governments of countries just make more money when they need it?

bad advice

Okay... just remembered something.
Apparently I give bad advice lol. Was kicked out of a FB group a while back. There was a woman saying how she had made a post in that anxiety support group and nobody had replied to her. And I said everyone's just so caught up in their own problems that they simply did not see others' problems and that if she wants undivided attention she should see a therapist who is there only for her. Next thing I know I'm banned. I didn't say it to be mean, I just said it matter of factly.
And then mum said she might have problems with her thyroid. And she's always going on about how fat she is. So I said when she will have problems with her thyroid she might really balloon up so she should enjoy her current body while she has it. I was trying to put things into perspective and have a positive outlook on the issue. She laughed but said it was mean of me. No! I was being supportive.
Damn it. :)

wub

Oh and as a sidenote, my disability thingy came through yesterday. I am still disabled but dunno how much money I'll be getting. Til the next month I guess.

Spring is awesome!

Well, as I expected. The meeting was postponed til next week. Shit, if they keep the contract I will get a raise. It sounds too good to be true.
Anyway, that morning sun made me so happy but I had to suppress it cause I thought I'd be hearing bad news about work. Now I don't care I'm gonna be happy about the day. Spring is awesome!
Yeah and yesterday I didn't take Olanzapine. Will try to go off of it again.

The sun is up!

Okay, it's like 7.10am and I still haven't gone to bed. And it's not just light already outside. The sun is up! Does that mean it's finally spring!? :D
I hope I will get good news about my job aswell.

9am

Okay, around 9am the boss person in my cleaning company has a meeting with the boss of the company I'm cleaning for. They will decide if they terminate their contract or not, so that determines whether I will have a job in the future or not, in the same position in the same company.
I like my current job so I hope nothing changes. If it does, I'm fucked. Maybe will take a month off and spend it at my mum's.

With all my heart!

*sigh* I just really wanna adopt a kid right now.
I'm hoping I'll find a normal man who can adopt one, if I can't, then I can just be on the side and raise and love the kid. With all my heart!

It's going up

Ugh, I think I'm falling completely ill. Like my runny nose is pretty much gone but I feel poorly all over and I'm close to having a fever (36,9 degrees last time I took my temperature). It's going up. Started feeling sleepy, couldn't sleep, felt too weird and nauseous. It's the coming fever making me feel this way. I hope I'll feel better tomorrow when I have to go to work.

TS12032017

The best music video!

man from the criminals

Okay, just remembered. Mum was over last firday. Showed her a pic of Matthew and I said he was a beautiful man I liked. To my surprise she recognised him! She said, "it's the man from the criminals. He normally has long hair. I like him better with long hair. This short hair makes him look like a little boy".

this dark season

So it's the beautiful day of Matthew Gray Gubler's birthday. And it's also the day I fell sick for the first time during this dark season, autumn and winter. For real. Not completely yet but my nose is runny and have shoulder aches.
Ugh, fuck March.

Didn't think I had it in me

Wow, what a day it was. Didn't think I had it in me to pull off a day like this.
Got up at 10:30 to meet my stepmum. Was gonna be with her til she had her doctor at 12:30 but I decided I was gonna go with her to the doctor's office.
When we met up we chatted a little outside at the bus station. The sun was nice but the wind was chilly so we went inside the bus station. We went to the cafe. Can't remember what she ordered but she bought me french fries. Had them with ketchup. Fuck yes! I ate outside my house!
Then we went to see her doc. Everything was fine.
Then we went to Ristiisa Pubi cause she was hungry. I was too scared to get the special cause I didn't think I'd be able to eat it all. Got just fries again. The bus station ones were better cause they had seasoning. I ate. But I got really dizzy, light headed and it was a little hard to swallow but I ate most of my fries.
Then we went to the pharmacy and bought a thing for my stepmum and a nose spray for me. She paid for both of my fries and the nose spray! Plus she gave me 20 euros!
Then we went to Kaubamaja. And she bought me new winter boots!!! They were like 39 euros with discount.

I like them. I like how cute they look when I don't have to tuck my trousers on top of them. I can tuck the trousers in and it looks good.
Then we wandered around a little and at 14:45 I had to go to Tartu Loodusmaja for my work meeting. I dunno, it was this weird meeting, not sure why it was held. We toured to building which I loved!! I used to go to this house when I was a little girl cause I was really into biology, plants and animals.
Anyway, these are the first clips I got from the day:

I think I found out what my own cacti are called now.

 Mine look just like that. I got the name of it:

It should be echinopsis eyriesii. I'm pretty sure it's the ones I have. Now I can read up about them and make them grow and flourish!

Also I got this pic of herbs:

And this little winter garden:

We took pics down there. Like official ones. Oh and there were turtles in that water, with three of them basking under a warm lamp.

Plus other cuties:

Turtle doves. Apparently they were the bird of the year or something. And they had a little baby in the nest:

 This bunny was freely hopping around there.

And these mice like beings cuddling up.

Oh and then we had cake:

Yeah I ate outside of my house three times and was around people!
And then I went to work. I never even took Diazepam. Woo!

So... it's March

So... it's March. What can you expect from it? Snow and shit. What do you actually get? Snow and shit!
Ughhh, March sucks balls! It just stormed and snowed the whole night and I gotta go to work and clean up the mess on the floors! I never liked March anyway and now that I'm working as a janitor I hate it even more. Can't wait til April.

Yeah, titty situation is better, less soreness and tenderness.

Still not sure whether I get to keep my job or not.

Also, don't know a thing about my benefits, whether I will get more money or I will lose everything.

titty

And in other news, just to document it, my left boob is troubling me.
In February a few days before my periods I got discomfort, pain and tenderness in my left boob. Thought it was weird since I never get sore breasts before periods. Not once have I ever had sore boobs in my life. And it was just one tit.
Then my period started and the pain kinda subsided.
Then about three or four days ago I got the pain back and I'm not anywhere near my periods. Plus, if it was a hormonal thing, wouldn't both of my titties hurt not just one!?
Talked to mum and stepmum, stepmum said they would probably sned me to get mammography done. Yeah, 1. I don't want my sore titty squeezed in any way, 2. My titties are so small, mammography is impossible anyway.
Yeah, we'll see how this plays out.

making magic

Was just watching Harmony Nice's make up tutorial video. Fuck, make up can be soooooo amazing. I like watching pics of nice make up or beautiful videos of people applying it and making magic.
It's so easy to be a girl these days when it comes to makeup, you have sooo many different tutorials for different looks.
But, it's just not for me. I hate it when I have makeup on. I feel like I'm dirty and wanna wash my face asap. I don't feel pretty or anything. The only time that looks make a difference for me is right after shower/bath cause then I know my face is clean, I'm clean all over and I feel happy and confident. A clean face/body is all I need, I don't want shit covering it lol.
Like on friday, mum stayed overnight at my place. She asked me if I had any makeup remover. Seriously!?!? You asking me that!!?! I haven't worn slightest bit of make up in about three years. Not one single thing on my face.

stressing me out

Ugh, life sucks so much right now! And there's nothing I can do about it.
First, I dunno if I will have a job or not.
The cleaning company's expenses are higher than income when it comes to my car shop and they upped their service price. Now they're waiting for reply from the shop. If they agree to it then I will keep working like I am now. If they don't agree I will lose my job. I don't wanna work anywhere else cause I just got use to this place and job, anxiety wise. Took me fucking seven months! If the shop does not agree with the new price they will probably look for a new cleaning company, maybe I can get a job in that new company then. If they do decide to change service I will definitely ring up the new place and say I wanna keep cleaning there.
Second. I still haven't heard about my disability benefits. Had to reapply for it to get more money but turns out I might lose all of it.
Ughhhhh, it all sucks so much! And it's stressing me out.
At least I got my um... income statement money. Which I wanted to go towards my new laptop but I might need it incase I lose my job or my benefits. If I lose both, I'm royally fucked.