suka blyat

So, my crush at work "talked" to me :D We have so many times tried to use the same door, from different sides, at the same time. And today it happened again. We almost bumped into each other or gave each other a little fright and he said "sorry" :D That's talking right!? Before, all he had said was "hello". Also, he dropped his keys or chip or something and I mumbled, "something fell" and he said "suka blyat". :D Not to me directly, just about the situation, as he picked up the thingy that fell.

Mental

That awkward moment when I didn't get the joke

Dear shit. Where do I start?
Okay. There is so much misunderstanding when it comes to depression and anxiety. And I think it comes from the word mental. Mental health. And it's symptoms of mood changes, behavioural changes and maybe even habitual changes. Mental kinda implies that this part of health, body, being is abstract. And abstract leaves so much wiggle room for people's own misinformed and warped interpretation of those two, depression and anxiety. When in reality, mental is a brain disorder. The brain is not working properly. It's a physcial thing, either the chemicals are inbalanced or the receptors are not working properly or you have "odd" brain acitvity. And that causes the person's mood changes which result in behavioural and habitual changes. The so called mental changes. It's the same when you have a cold and you feel poorly and stay in bed and sleep and don't wanna eat or go out. Besides, as opposed to mental symptoms, depression and anxiety have a ton of physical symptoms aswell.
So suggesting to "just snap out of it" or "be positive" is not gonna make the person healthy. You don't say "snap out of it" to a person who has cancer or, as a lot of people like to say, someone who is missing a limb. It would sound incredibly ridiculous to say it to those people. The cancer won't go away and the person won't grow a limb cause of it. Yes, I might have my limbs but I do not have a properly working brain. So suggesting those ridiculous things is absolutely annoying and useless. It just shows you don't know at all what I'm going through or how to support me (if that is you goal, most of the times people just shrug off mental illnesses as nothings so they just look like idiots doing so).
Yehh, my two cents on this. Enough with the abstract.

How!?

You know when you sleep funny and wake up with a sore neck or back or a limb or something. Well, I woke up with a sore index finger. How!?

Beksiński

This Pole redeems.

I don't want no second hand excitement and love

Oh yeah, today at work I found out my crush there has a girl. Oh well.
And I really cannot stand men who have kids wanting to get with me. No.
1.Cause your baby mama is a crazy bitch who will stick her damn nose into my relationship where she has no business. And she will manipulate this shit out of my relationship with her damn kid.
2.I plan on having my own kids and I want my man to have the first experience of it with me. I wanna be first. I want my baby to be his first baby. I don't want no second hand excitement and love for my kid from the dad, it has to be genuine and first.
No baby daddies for me please!

pressure

Ugh. So I'm feeling better today withdrawal wise. Other than that, ugh, as I stated.
So my workplace is gonna be audited and everything has to be CLEAN! This puts pressure on me. So far I haven't got any instructions on how to perform a more thorough cleaning of the place. I wasn't that bothered about it til I heard the co-worker from the garage say they're moving furniture and shit over there to clean. Ugh. I'm afraid those auditing people won't be happy with my cleaning and then the car shop people won't be happy with me and then the cleaning company won't be happy and I'll be fired. Fuck! I feel like my work is representing the car shop in this case and it puts a tremendous pressure on me and I don't do well under pressure. They'll come by on the 31st of January and 2nd of February. Next monday is gonna be a madhouse. I'll be cleaning all night! And I will take a buttload of Valium to calm myself. Fuck, the christmas party thing was nothing compared to this.

TOO MUCH!!!!!!!!!

me: LOL, TOO ACCURATE!!!!!!!!

I give in and I give up

Okay, I give in and I give up. 100% sure the reason I'm feeling this crappy is cause of withdrawal. I took a full dose of my pill today and I will quit trying to go off of it. It's just too hard. Shit. It's crazy the effects these kindsa pills have on you.

feeling weird again

Okay, I'm feeling weird again. Dunno if it's just random anxiety, withdrawal symptom or I have something else wrong with me, like a flu or something.

detatched

Had this weird detatched feeling today at work. Like detatched from reality. Must be a withdrawal symptom. Luckily no headaches as of now.

it never wows me when I see it

Okay, I'm either old or ready to settle down. Probably both. Like, I'm so over one night stands. Back in the day and very rarely now I get excited about what a man has in his pants, but it never wows me when I see it. Dicks just all look the same by now. Where's my settling down partner!?

AUDACITY

Today straight after waking up I got a bollocking from Ilme for random shit. Then I asked her if she could change the lightbulb in my room cause the lamp in the ceiling is too high for me. AND SHE HAD THE AUDACITY TO SAY "DO IT YOURSELF"!!!!! Okay, now I really don't have a problem telling her to do the shit herself that I've been doing for her.
And dunno if I wrote about this yet or not but the other day she got this thermometer for outside temperature. Yeah she wanted me to read the instructions and I said I can't be bothered right now. And then she said "You never do what you're told". Bitch, you are not in a position to tell me what to do anyway. Anyway, that was her admitting to bossing me around. Yeah no, that shit DOES NOT fly with me!

mother croc

beautiful word play

Yeah, I've been inspired by some songs lately. Especially misheard lyrics. They make for great ideas. I haven't written anything in years. Have some good stuff written down, just have to pull the ideas together and lay them down in clever or beautiful word play.

Yehh, and went to collect my anime cup today. And I made hot chocolate in it like I said I would. :)

I envy women

I envy women with nice cuticles. I haven't chewed my nails since I was about 11 (I quit cause this woman on Santa Barbara had the most beautiful long, red nails and I wanted to have mine like that. Quit right then and there). But to this day I haven't been able to stop chewing my cuticles. They make my hands looks so unmaintained and gross. Ugh, I can't stop! They're all bloody and sore.

So... a cute thing

So... a cute thing. My periods started a week early. Why? Cause of the same damn reason I had them twice in november. My damn pills! Trying to go off of them, precisely. Eff!

Other than that, went to see my therapist today we were supposed to do my disability/pension thing again for me to gain 9 euros monthly. Damn, my ID card codes are... were missing. I found ones but they were my expired card's codes. Had to go to the bank to get new codes. Will do the disability thing next week.

Oh and my Hayao Miyazaki anime cup is in Tartu, called a post office today to send it to another post office that is closer to me. Ahhhh!

Oh and the other day I had a dream about this little girl who had some degenerative disease. There was like a fundraiser for her treatment. I remember thinking I was poor but gave the girl 50 euros. Then the little girl came to hug me cause of that, I wanted her away from me cause I was so scared I'd contract the disease. I just wanted my money back. And then yesterday, after I had forgotten about it, I found my last 50 euro note of the money my dad's fam gave to me for my birthday. Yay! I'm rich!

TS1812917

weak ass bitch's second coming

Okay, I dunno what my shrink is on but today she said it's okay to do 7,5mg one day and 10mg the next. Talking about escitalopram here. Today has been okay so far so I decided to do the pill thing. Maybe it won't be as extreme. The doc wasn't too empathetic about it when I talked to her. She just said kinda like "what did you expect". Well not literally but I know she meant that. I didn't really expect this extreme symptoms. Okay, weak ass bitch's second coming.

call me a weak ass bitch but...

Okay, call me a weak ass bitch but I'm upping my escitalopram back on to 10mg. Yesterday was so bad and the night was even worse. I kept waking up with a fright non stop, shooting up in bed. And my appetite is out of control. Like I literally eat a ton right and am completely full. Then after only about 2 hours I'm starving again. I don't give a fuck about weight gain I'm worried about feeling sick cause it's not the normal kind of hunger, it's insane hunger where you feel sick in stomach and in the rest of the body and can't actually eat cause you're that hungry. Plus the headaches then and anxiety. I'm done for now. Wanna get back to feeling normal. Once I'm that, I'll try to go off Olansapiin cause it felt more normal eventhough I had more withdrawal symptoms but they weren't as bad. Yeah and when I wanna go off Escitalopram again, I'll do it differently, 7,5mg one day and 10mg the next, not 7,5 every day. Doctor said doing it like that confuses the body but that's how I got off Mirtazapine and that's how I feel comfortable so...

do not laugh

toy with one's emotions

Okay, I think I also have a toothache now. Great!
Also a big fuck you to Facebook and Tumblr. They keep advertizing these beautiful cheap dresses and merch. I wanna buy the stuff so bad. If I had a fulltime job I could afford the stuff, the dresses are only like 12 bucks a piece. And I would buy all the Hayao Miyazaki film merch.
They just really know how to toy with one's emotions with those beautiful things :D

flithy rich

Okay, as per usual when I send out positive vibes, I send them all out and I'm left with only negative stuff. Ugh. I thought my escitalopram symptoms were subsiding but got the worst headache today. Took a painkiller, feeling a little better now.
Plus I'm looking at surrogacy options. Yeah... you need to be like flithy rich to do it. Plus I'd have to travel to another country which causes me anxiety so... would it be better than having my own kid myself and suffer from anxiety?

The world sucks today!!!

A happy bunny here!

Today, I'd like to send out positive vibes out to the universe and say thank you! Man, I can't believe I'm still working. I'm really used to it now. Have been for a couple of months now. And my health does seem to be better. So yeah as I've said before I'm trying to go off of my pills. Still get headaches from going down on escitalopram but it's okay. Even if I can't go off of it, I'm doing so much better and it makes me happy. Big thanks to everything and everyone that's helped me get to this point. A happy bunny here!

well done, brain

Yessss! My cup is in the capital. Probably will get to Tartu next week. I will soooo buy cocoa powder and milk and make hot chocolate with cinnamon in it.

Plus, toddlers came out in Sims 4 today. Too bad I can't play them yet but they look so so so adorable.

Oh and I got the speakers Lembit bought for me today.

The only crappy part is my head. Withdrawal symptom no.1 is headache. Ugh. Like, I never ever get headaches. Only when I have a flu or a cold or something and even then it's just a short term little throbbing. And when I had that trigeminal nerve inflammation it was sort of a headache, nerve ache really but still, it was in my head. Other than that I've never not once in my life had a headache. So, eventhough my brain is fucked chemically, it has never ached so...well done, brain.

7,5mg

I've been on 7,5mg dose of Escitalopram for a week now and I can feel the withdrawl symptoms. I have weird headache type of things. It's just weird, the feeling. Will go to work in a minute. Think I'll try and take a painkiller just in case.
I hope my anxiety won't get out of hand.

feel normal

Okay, went to the doctor yesterday. Wasn't anxious about it beforehand. Got a little bit of it when my blood was taken and when I had my x-ray done.
Got my results back today. Lungs are fine. Prolactin and white blood cell count are fine. No inflammation found. Hemoglobin was a little on the low end (mine was 120, and the lowest norm is 118). Also lacking MCV. That's um...like iron reserve in blood. The norm's 82, mine was 80. Bought iron tabs today. Have to take them for two months then go back after three for another test. I've taken them before when I was in my teens and when my anxiety got really really bad. Fuck my iron levels were really low. I couldn't lay down in bed cause my head started spinning like crazy and I couldn't stand up cause I felt like I was gonna pass out straight away. So I was just stuck in some weird sitting position in bed.
Right now I don't feel tired or anything, feel normal. Don't seem to have any weird symptoms. :)
Yeah the iron pills I bought were almost 7 euros. There were also the organic ones that the body absorbs better and shit but they were almsot 15 euros so... And my mum has had problems with iron levels all of her life so maybe I'm the same.

My little celebrity encounter

So work is the only place where I listen to the radio and hear new music... for a while now the station has been playing this song:

Yeah... I and then this happened:

He liked my comment and replied to it! Love this dude! :D My little celebrity encounter.

It's so satisfying, more so than sex

Man, I love turning down horny guys. It's so much fun! It's so satisfying, more so than sex.

Yeah, last week I called Lembit and asked if they had any old speakers left over, for my laptop. He said Lauri has broken all and the only ones that are there aren't compatible with my laptop. He said he can look for new ones for me and I said there's no need. And talked to mum today and she said Lembit had bought me new speakers!! Fuck! :D I feel so bad. I didn't need them that badly. It's just my laptop's speakers are so quiet and I don't wanna use my headphones all the time, especially when snuggling up under my quilt and hitting my head on my pillow. I'm thankful but he really didn't have to. At least they were some cheap ones. Mum will probably bring them over this week.
Oh speaking of that... last night I went to bed at 7:30am, was trying to fall asleep when my mum called me at 7:45 asking if she could come to my place. Well, she had forgotten the key to her workplace so there was nothing to do but to let her in. We bought this nice tunic/sweater for me on the internet. Yay!

Um, what else? Oh tomorrow I have to go see my GP about my white blood cell count and prolactine levels. Just basic blood test I guess.

Yeahh, that's about it :)

How are you supposed to have one of those idiots as a parent to your child!?

Okay, I wanna be like an ambassador for child adoption. Is there such a position, such a human out there!? Adopting a kid is the most amazing thing ever! Fuck, I wish I had money, my own place and better health, I would adopt right now. I can't financially even take care of myself so... Yeah and I can't get pregnant myself cause of Olanzapine so... Been thinking about them babies since my last shrink visit.
Oh and I just love when I'm right about people... men. Like this recent dude, I told him I don't shag outside a relationship and if he's after that then it's not gonna work out. He said he was fine with my wishes and now he's not even talking to me anymore. Ha! I knew he was after sex only. Men are just pathetic. How are you supposed to have one of those idiots as a parent to your child!?

so soft and sweet

Oh wow! Just made an amazing dish! Boiled rice. Plus sort of a stir-fry with chicken, broccoli, brussels sprouts, cauliflower, string beans and mushrooms. Salt and about 4 bigger garlic cloves for flavour. Shit it's so good! I love brussels sprouts! It's my first time cooking them and I had so much faith in them. They're so soft and sweet. Ahhhhh, yummmm!

off to google low white blood cell count symptoms... just in case

Saw my shrink today. Yeah was okay but gotta go to my GP for blood tests cause I've been on my pills for forever. Have to check my white blood cell count cause of escitalopram and prolactin levels cause of olansapine.
Yeah last month and in november I was complaining about periods... thing is I had them twice in november cause my olansapine dosage changed to too low and I got all sorts of other symptoms aswell. I learned today you shouldn't get pregnant when on this pill cause you most likely will have a miscarriage. Shit.
Now I'll try to go lower on escitalopram instead.
Yeah I'm off to google low white blood cell count symptoms... just in case.

So early!

So, not last night, but the night before, I ad a horrible time. My head felt all kindsa messed up. Have no clue what happened. And the following day it was crap aswell.
Then last night I felt I started to feel sleepy around 12 and went to sleep at 12:30. And today!!! I'm up since 11am. What the shit!? lol So early! I haven't been up this ealry voluntarily in months. I have no clue how to spend all this time til I have to go to work. Probably just browse the web.

Oh well...

Okay so my crushie at work who I've talked about. Today I went to wish happy new year to the other janitor at my workplace who works in the garage part of the place. When I went in there, my dude was working and the janitor gave him a wave. So I did my happy new years and shits and went to clean my part of the place. Later on I went and asked my co-worker about the dude she waved at, my crushie. I told her it was a secret. I asked her for his name. Unfortunately she didn't remember. But she said they do talk quite a bit, just not lately and if it comes up she'll tell me. What she could tell me though was that he has a daughter. Fuck! That probably means he has a woman aswell. And apparently he's in his twenties. Oh well...

the sex lane cause... men

Okay, this guy I met...Ingemar, he either seems to be really into me or just really wants sex. I kinda lean more into the sex lane cause... men. But dunno, I've only ever met him once.. all he talks about is seeing me again but ugh... I dunno what he wants. I'm not sure about a relationship. Like generally I want it but if I have an actual chance I freak out and wanna run away. Will see.

We rock!

Just got back from downtown, fireworks. Yeah, the weather sucks. I actually wished it was snowy, cause it was flatout raining. Which made the firworks a bit poo poo but it was great anyway. I was scared that the big bangs might trigger an anxiety attack. The fireworks were okay in that department. But it was only when I saw the massive crowds of people that I got anxiety. A little. I kept pinching myself like I normally do, just so it wouldn't get too bad. And I kinda got used to it once the fireworks started. So all was good. I loved the people so much! Made me feel so happy to be a citizen of Tartu. We rock! And thanks to the town for the lovely boom and bang show. Love my town! We're the best. For real. Wouldn't wanna live anywhere else. Oh and two random people, one woman the other a dude, wished me happy new year. Didn't see anyone I knew though. Big surprise there!
Anyway, 2016 was the best year of the last 7 years. The time I've been seriously sick. I've managed to stay calm in shops, or at least go into the shop and buy what I need and want, while mostly staying calm. And I bagged a job which I love and can do. Perfect! And yeah I met this guy I talked about earlier... maybe it'll be something beautiful, maybe it'll be something bad, maybe something forgettable, who knows. I'm entirely happy with 2016. Ooh, and I found MGG! :D That dude rocks!
And as I already said somewhere online, if 2017 doesn't get better then I hope things at least stay as stable and good as they are now.
*kisses* *cuddles*