Think I'm falling

No lie. Think I'm falling ill again. Feel super weird. Took valium just in case cause dunno for sure what's making me feel like this. Ugh. I'd rather it'd be anxiety cause then it'll go away with valium but if it's the flu or something it'll take forever to go away again. Ugh.

my knee hurts and hands are scraped

Also, I fell off my bike today. lol
I didn't see a big truck coming from behind parked trucks and I pressed down on my breaks and they completely stopped my bike. My feet were on the ground already but the speed had been too high I guess and the bike like turned and knocked me over. The truck driver was gesturing something at me and I just laughed out of embarrassment and gestured for him to move on and said "I'm fine".
Ow, my knee hurts and hands are scraped.

I have two bikes now. And two rides.

This might bring me a lot of trouble in the future but...whatever. I have thoughts. I had feelings too but they've calmed down.
So I had a date arranged with the Core Guy for sunday. But I was really feeling BFM so I cancelled the sunday. I had the most fantastic time with BFM on thursday and I was really into him. That's why I cancelled the Core Guy cause I felt like I was almost cheating on the other one.
Well, on friday BFM says he's not interested in a relationship with me. He just wants to be friends who fuck. At one point he did say he wanted me.
Okay, so all friday I was bummed out. But we didn't talk all weekend and I got over it properly. I mean I just met him so it wasn't that deep but I really did dig him.
Anyway, on friday I called up the Core Guy again, to make sunday happen. He was still in. I had sent a message to BFM saying I'm okay with just fucking then, if he's not interested, he's not interested. He even said, I can get a boyfriend and all. That was like a complete buzzkill for me cause that shows he's not into me at all.
Anyway, he didn't reply to my text and I really did cool down. I had told him to contact me when he...basically wants to get laid.
So I fell ill on friday night. Couldn't do sunday. We rescheduled the date for the next weekend. I flat out asked him what he was after, like sex or what. He said he is interested in me but doesn't wanna rush things. Okay, cool. He's a nice guy aswell.
So this week, BFM, contacted me. Said, I can let him know when I wanna meet up too. I did last week and he didn't really want to so... okay.
And I told him I was sick. I probably fell ill cause we slept together on thrusday night and it was so incredibly hot and I asked him to open the window. I was sleeping on the window side, sweaty, on top of the covers. I also told him I was gonna meet someone else but fell ill.
Then he tells me he felt jealous about it.
I told him I still very much want a relationship and if it's not happening with him then cool, but I will keep looking.
So basically, what I gather from this.... he is still very much into his ex and is making me the substitute. He like tries to have what he wants to have with her but doesn't really want me at all. And I let it happen cause what I really want is a relationship and when I'm with him I'm how I am in a relationship, eventhough I know now things won't work out.
It's super confusing to me cause when I have sex...people, men, we just get together, fuck and part ways. But he wants to kiss and cuddle and talk and go to places and be lovey dovey.
And the crappy thing is, we could just fuck but he can't. Perform. He has to stop and I can see him being physically disturbed. He told me he can't cause he has his ex in his mind.
Fuck! It's a bit too messed up and creepy for me. But he is such a great guy though. He just needs the girl out of his head or get back together with her.
Ughhhhh. I'm just not a superwoman who can make him forget about her. They broke up in december last year...it's august already.

Anyway, I have my mind set on the Core Guy for now. Cause he's actually interested in me. Eventhough I might go over to BFM's house this week and we might go to an event this weekend.

I dunno if any of the previous text made sense. I'm just so... well this week I've been so whatever about everything cause I'm actually sick. Didn't want to go in to work yesterday but my supervisor made me. I have an idiotic contract.
Yeah so I asked my mum to come and help me at work. She did and stayed the night. lol she actually bought the doctor's mask to wear around me cause she didn't wanna fall ill.

Oh yeah and on monday I got a call from the police. A woman said they think they found my bike. Went in on tuesday to ascertain the bike. It was mine! So the story with this is, on the 6th of august, it was stolen. And on the 17th some man had stolen somebody's wallet and the police started chasing him. The dude was escaping on a bike. At some point he man dropped the bike and the wallet and ran off. The wallet person got their stuff back. And my bike was identified! Holy crap! What are the chances!? It's at my mum's man's workplace right now. He will bring it over to me tomorrow. I have two bikes now. And two rides.

the second fucking time in my life

So friday was shit. I didn't get the guy I wanted, then I found out some shitty things about my job and contract, and I found more new bikes that were a ton cheaper than my very old used bike I recently bought, and I started my periods and felt like crap AND I fell ill.
The guy thing is whatever, I'm over it. The bad thing is, I was supposed to meet with the Core Guy but now that I'm ill I won't be. We talked and he doesn't wanna catch anything.
The job thing I haven't investigated further cause I feel too shitty.
The period thing is kinda good cause I thought they were properly fucked up cause I was spotting for 4 days. Doesn't happen to me. Didn't think I was gonna properly bleed, good thing I did. But it made the fucking day ten times worse.
Yeah and it's the second fucking time in my life that I'm sick during summer. Well the thing is, the weather is so fucking hot and humid that you have to wear as little clothes as possible, otherwise you'll die of heat. But the fucking wind is cold. So now I have a sore thorat and a runny nose. Hopefully I won't fall ill properly, with fever and shit.
Yeah...I just feel like shit.

BFM and Core guy vol.2

Okay. Shit happened.
First, I have no fucking clue what the fuck is going on with my period. I've been just spotting since tuesday. I don't spot, I full on bleed. And I've been spotting for 4 days now. Not normal for me. I hope I didn't fall pregnant on sunday when the condom came off. That would suck cause BFM is not interested in me. Unfortunately.

Yeah we had a lovely evening last night. Lovey-dovey. And we talked today morning before he went to work and he just wants to be friends who fuck. Okay, that is not friendship. And he just admitted, he's not over his ex, he's lonely and horney. So, technically I'm a rebound.
I have a choice not to see him again but I probably will. Cause I want company and lovey dovey sex aswell, just not to "fill the gap" of some sort but to have a life partner who to make life plans with. Fuck it, it'll be temporary then. He's too fucking nice to let go though. What the hell was his ex thinking breaking up with him!? Bitch, you have this amazing guy after you and you let him go!? I would fucking marry the guy today!
I dunno how his sex idea would work though cause he literally can't perform properly with me cause he has his ex in his mind while we're at it.

Oh and I cancelled the Core Guy for him on sunday. Luckily I could reschedule it with him again. So that's good :)

Right now,, I don't care so much about guys as my periods though. Fuck! I hope I start bleeding normally. With cramps and shitty wellbeing and all.

Yeah and dunno if I mentioned it but I had the odd cleaning job yesterday. Was fine, they were happy with my cleaning. And I'll be leaving for a job interview today soon. Another cleaning company.

he trusts me

Okay, the crappiness was PMS. So my health should be fine.
So the BFM told me on monday he didn't wanna meet everyday cause then we'll run out of things to talk about. I texted him saying we could meet up for like 5 mins or something just to kiss and cuddle and I hope he's as into me as I am into him. He ignored that so I thought it was his way of saying he's not interested.
Left him alone on tuesday and didn't hear from him. I was sure we were done. I was like sad, mad and disappointed and shit and then indifferent. But also, I started my periods yesterday/today.
Yeah I thought all hope was gone and he was just after sex.
And then fucking tonight! He messaged me on the dating website we met at inviting me to spend the night at his place tomorrow, worrying he was too forward. Bitch, I love it! :D I told him though that I was on my period, that maybe he didn't wanna meet up then. He said he still wants to!
So we talked and I'm gonna go over straight after work. I told him I'd look and feel manky and he said we've seen each other naked and shit so I shouldn't be embarrassed and stuff. :D I'll try to put on some mascara before work at least.
Ugh, I hope I won't get anxiety at his place and that we'll have a nice evening. Oh and he has to get up at like 6am and he said he'll give me his key and I can sleep in. :D Aw, he trusts me!

Also since the BFM showed clear interest I wanna cancel the Core guy on saturday. I feel like I'm cheating already.

BFM and Core guy

So yeah I went to the gyno on friday.
No diagnosis or anything yet. My uterla lining was too thick to see it properly. Have to go in on the 25th, hopefully with my periods behind me by that time. You know cause the uterus sheds the lining during period and then they'll see it better. Nothing looked wrong though as much as she could see. She said she couldn't see any cysts. She did take swab tests which results I will receive on the 4th of september! If I have some sort of an inflammation then I just have to suffer til then.
I've been feeling really crappy the past few days. Hvae some weird pains in my lower abdomen. I dunno if it's my uterus or intestines. The spotting has luckily stopped.
I feel so icky today, couldn't sleep at night cause my stomach felt so bad. Like crazy hunger pains. Even now when I've already eaten. Maybe it's the next stage of olanzapine withdrawal. Who the fuck knows! Maybe it's pms.
Well, as far as dudes go... the BFM (boyfriend material) hasn't contacted me yet. He's at work so... hopefully he will himself in the evening. I want him to initiate shit and show interest.
But another guy who I met up with a couple of weeks ago or so wants to meet up next weekend. We should be watching The Core. If the BFM makes it very obvious during the week he's very into me, I'll cancel the Core guy.

Back to the days of regular pregnancy tests I guess

Yay! This bitch got laid. For the first time in years. Um, in 2014 I made a promise to myself that I wouldn't sleep outside of a relationship and I have been keeping it. Til now, sort of. I'm not in a relationship but the guy is not a one night stander.
And he was so nice I just wanted to do it with him. Also, I was scared he'd find someone else to talk to and I wouldn't even get the chance. Kinda like... keeping the guy interested with sex. Lame and insecure I know but he is a nice man and you don't come acorss those that often. So I panicked and wanted to get close to him and thought if I waited to get close to him emotionally first he might lose the interest. I dunno, I'm desperate okay! :D I've been single for like 7 or 8 years and I wanna be done with it! I want a man!
The shitty thing is, the fucking condom came off. And it stayed inside of me!!!! I thought I was gonna have to go to the doctor to get it out but luckily he did it.
Fuck, I just hope I won't fall pregnant cause we were going at it before I realized it had come off. Ugh. Back to the days of regular pregnancy tests I guess.
And then we like cuddled and shit. Was nice. Would like to keep doing it. I wanna like cuddle and watch a film together. Waah!I hope he's interested and attracted enough :(
I dunno if he is though cause he doesn't text me much or talk to me much on the interent, although we do chat quite a bit when we're together in person. Okay I can't talk that much about him on my blog cause he said he doesn't have FB and some other social media sites cause he doesn't like to share his life online. So I hope there's gonna be a lot of stuff in my life with him that I won't be talking about :)

Such boyfriend material

Okay, I met up with this cute and super nice guy. He said he'd want to meet again but... I'm afraid we won't. Ugh. He seems so so so good though. Such boyfriend material.

Bitch, what did I say some time ago?

Omg, I just read that Olanzapine can cause lactation. Bitch, what did I say some time ago? Like in winter or some winters ago? I was lactating! I don't think I ever figured out why at the time.
I was just googling the pill to find out why it may cause spotting. Didn't find that but I will most definitely be mentioning the lactation to the gyno tomorrow :)

We shared the love of smoothies

So I had a date with this guy called Kristoffer today. He was a film director-musician-actor-volunteer-free spirit-globe trotter-type of a dude.
We shared the love of smoothies. Also, he was short, skinny and dark haired. Nice too.
We went and sat by the river in town, in the sun (I got a tan!). He played/sang me some songs on his guitar. then he gave me a massage and cuddled me, on the grass.
Then we went back to my place and made smoothies and ate some food we had bought from the shop. He's a vegetarian. I put milk in the smoothie. He didn't mind luckily.
He asked if I wanted to kiss and I said no lol. Kissing's way too intimate on a first date.
And for some reason I wasn't fully feeling him. Like, there was nothing to dislike but I didn't feel the proper attraction. Yet, anyway.
Oh and he is not a local. He's from Tallinn.

Yeah and then I'm supposed to meet another guy at the weekend. Will see if it happens or not.

And... I have gyno appointment tomorrow. Been putting off shaving til tomorrow :D

the new guy

So here's the new guy. Not as pretty but oh well. It's a... mountain bike? Is this what it's called in english? Before I had a hybird. Mountain&road hybrid.
I bought this at a used bikes shop for 190 euros. Then the next day I went to another bike shop and saw brand new ones for cheaper. Fuck!
Oh well.
Oh and when I went home from the bike shop on this new one, when I got home the tire was almost flat. Went back to the shop next day. There was some tiny shitty ass thorn in it. Fuck!
I hope there won't be any more financial surprises in the decreasing manner.

Oh and can't remember if I mentioned but I had a chance to get a really good job but I didn't get it. Would have loved itbut whatever. I will keep looking :) 700 would have been too much. I mean, I can't get lucky, god forbid!

Oh yeah and on friday I will be going to a gyno cause I've been spotting for about a week now, probably longer. It's definitely cause of going off olanzapine but wanna make sure there isn't anything totally wrong with me cause of it.
Oh and I will be going to my GP next wednesday aswell. I think I'm either allergic to something or have some sort of a fungus. The tops of my feet and the backs of my hands get mad itchy. I have no hives, no redness, no swelling, just perfect normal skin that just starts itching.And when I scratch it gets worse. I only stop til I've broken the skin. Ugh.

Are we back here again!?

Okay, I got a new bike. A pic later.
So yesterday when I was talking to my "building man" about the robbery he said, "I can't talk in estonian with you can I? You have an accent". Bitch!? Are we back here again!? Can people stop saying I have an accent when I don't!? I only speak estonian everyday.
And today again... I sent a letter to the police with the picture of my bike and some more details I remembered about it. They sent a letter back saying I didn't give enough information. Um, yeah the report was already done, I have no clue why they didn't like check their system or something. Anyway, that wasn't important. What annoyed me was they sent the fucking email in russian! Bitches!?!? I'm fucking estonian okay!?!? I didn't even understand most the email they sent me back but I got the point of it. Fuck! I know I have a russian name but I fucking sent you an email in normal correct estonian and you send me back this shit!? Fuck!

Baby, just break down!

Okay, my heart aches a little for my bike. I hope its chain drags out, I hope the gears completely stop working, I hope the break pads keep going against the wheels so it's annoying to ride, I hope the fucking wires go loose and they won't be able to break or change gears at all, I hope the saddle falls apart. Baby, just break down! Don't serve those cunts!

Bye boo!

Oh fuck. I just love how everything gets fucked when you're actually happy, content and satisfied. As I said a few posts ago, I was very happy with the new place. I never even like have been hyper about moving here cause I knew I liked this place and if I got overly happy shit would go to shit. And as per usual, I admitted that I'm happy and things did turn to shit.
Some magnificent fucktard stole my bike.

This baby is no more.
I kept the bike in the...like general hall, not inside my apartment. It wasn't attached to anything but was locked. Through the spokes and the frame thingy. But I guess someone picked it up and took it away.
Well, I asked my mum's man for 200 euros to buy a new one tomorrow. Mum has to come to my place cause I can't fucking walk anywhere!
I just need a yoke to get me to work, town, doctors and shops. And I will be hauling the new fucker up to the 7th floor into my apartment every fucking day to keep it away from all the shitty cunts.
And like there's a bike in the hall that's not like even locked. And another that is locked. Like, why steal mine!? The building manager or whatever person thought too that it was weird someone would steal an old bike. And mum and her man were like who the fuck wants that old barely working thing.
I don't fucking know! Most likely some retarded fucking cunt.
Fuck! And my cute little bell is gone and the new lock and all. Fuck!
I did call the police aswell and filed a report. They won't be able to catch anyone but maybe it's found somewhere. And I'll be looking at bike selling websites just in case.
Bye boo!

we're obviously related

On friday, mum stayed the night at my new place. Was fun.
Bought some stuff online again. Think it was just a hoodie for me.
Yeah and then today dad and his wife came over:

 For some reason she really liked hte balcony. The view not so much. I agree though.

We talked about me and dad have big bellies, I said I was obviously his daughter. Then we talked about how tan he is and how pale I am, I said I'm not his daughter. Then when he sent me this pic he said his hair looks really messy, that he should've combed it. And when we were taking pics I was complaining about how my hair was dirty. I literally called them before they arrived to see how far they were to see if I have time to shower and they said they were already in town. Oh well. I said, about the hair business, we're obviously related lol

This I took with my dad's wife's phone. There were so many different little holes or buttons on the screen, I wasn't sure which one was the camera. So I can't tell if I am looking at the camera or not.

Ahh was so nice.

it's a dorm

So I went to see my therapist today. Looked at job offers together. Found one, sent a CV straight away. And got a call a few minutes later to go there...I guess for an interview or something.
It's a janitor position but full time and for 700 euros. Like what!? And the woman said only kitchens and bathrooms need to be cleaned. Oh it's a dorm.
No toilets or hallways.
It's a 5 storey building, with 2 bathrooms and 1 kitchen on each floor. And they're looking for two janitors. For some reason the length of the workday is supposed to be 9 hours but like...What are you gonna clean there for that long?
She said the current workers work for 6 hours and do everything - kitchens, bathrooms, toilets, hallways. So why the fuck would you need 9 hours for less things to clean?
She said they were not happy with the current workers as they didn't make the rooms clean enough, that they were struggling with time and to get everything done. And apparently their pay wasn't too motivating. The workers so far have been a cleaning company workers. Now they're looking for their own, that's why they wanna pay this much. They want really good janitors who keep stuff clean.
I really liked it there. And the pay is good. I hope i will get it and that I can handle it, anxiety/health wise and also everything else wise aswell. Should find out on monday if I got the job or not.

Yeah and then I shattered my phone at work:

It seems it's just the toppest screen.The phone itself seems to work fine and I can see enough. Thank goodness I had the case around it. The kicker is, the afterpayments for the phone end in February next year. Will have to go and see if I can get a new screen.

And then on my way home from work my bike tyre broke. Well, it went completely flat. Ughhh. Have to go sort that one out tomorrow, no doubt.

so far

Okay, I don't wanna fucking jinx it but so far the new place has been really good. Sooo much better than my last place.
I have a feeling though that I might be struggling to pay the rent. I am actively looking at new or extra places to work at. I even went to a place. It's like old folks home or something. To be a janitor. They also offered me a carer position lol But I turned everything down. Cause of mum. She said don't og, people are sick and die there, it's basically like a hospital. I think I might have tried it The work would have ended at 4pm and I would have made it to my current workplace in time for 6pm. But the problem was I was gonna be a "replacement janitor". As in if some other janitor goes on a vacation I would have been the subsitute. Like, I'd have work all the time but if someone went away I'd replace them. Meaning I'd have to work all over the place in the building. That doesn't sit right with me. I need my tiny area to clean. I need stability and routine.
Will keep looking.

I wanna cuddle

I saw a cute guy today while riding home from work on my bicycle. When I went past him I was like, "Shit, I wanna turn around and see him, talk to him, do him, etc". And then thought, "Too bad I look like a troll, he'd never look at someone like me". Then I realised he did look at me, but not like look look but like "Hey look, there's a troll on a bicycle".
Yeah I'd like to get closer to the dude I met on sunday though. We talked a little. Found out we noth like sci fi and comedy films. Said my fave was The Core. He said he has never seen it and I said we can watch it together sometime if he wants to and he said, "jep, why not ". Hopefully next weekend then. I wanna cuddle. Shit, I think it's the 8th single year running already for me.