I hope my laziness won't kick in

So...yeah, I've lost a bit of weight over the last few months. Like a whiiiiile ago my supervisor told me I looked leaner. Then my dad's fam came to visit me at christmas, stepmom said there's barely left of me. And then my mum came to visit me this week and said it's not fair that she has to be the only fat one. And when I met up with the dude yesterday... well before meeting up he asked me how much I weighed, probably was scared I'd be super fat, and I said 70 kilos. When he saw me he said he didn't believe I weighed this much, that I didn't look like it.
Oh well. Good stuff I guess. I'm happy.
Yeah and I just got excited about going outside today :) Like to the town square to see the fireworks. I hope my laziness won't kick in!

hea naine

Kena naine meeldib silmadele, hea naine südamele.

Saw this on someone's profile on this dating website. Damn, so good. Wonder who said it.

edit: Napoleon Bonaparte said it. Well said, dude.

the other one was in september

Had another impromptu first date this year (from like 2:30am to 3:30am). Um yeah, the other one was in september. The guy was cute. But seemed a little serious. His name's Ingemar. Will see how it goes. Should meet up next week. He's working over the new year's weekend.

Fuuu-huh-huh-huh--uck!

OMG! Mum was just over. Was nice to see her and everything BUT!!! She was so nice and we ordered this thingy for me:

Fuuu-huh-huh-huh--uck! Yes! I cannot believe this will be mine! This will be better than the hoodie I wanted. Ahh, cannot wait to have my first drink out of it. Will probably buy cocoa powder, cinnamon and honey, plus milk and will have a nice hot chocolate. :)

I'm super stupid

Okay, I'm super stupid. Been having this annoying headphones saga. Ended up having two broken pairs and one working one. Yesterday I cleaned up my room a bit and THREW OUT THE NORMAL ONES!!! Now I'm left with two broken pairs. I even went out to the bin to fetch the working ones but couldn't reach for the bin bag.
Also, there was this basket in the shop where there was free bananas and apples. Yeah I got so confused and scared I didn't get them cause why would they give away free bananas and apples. Fuck!

You know what's orgasmic?

You know what's orgasmic when you're a bike rider/owner? Getting new batteries for your bike lights. Man, I cannot wait to go out tonight, to work, to use the newly beaming lights. Plus, the other week I got my tyres inflated. Shit, felt like a new bike. I have to get new break pads aswell. The back ones are absolutely gone, have some in the front. I'd say it's orgasmic to decelerate when you have the new pads. Yeah and it felt heavenly when I got a new chain.
And then maybe one day I can get new break/gear wires aswell, but for now it sort of works.

teary-eyed

such a retard

Men really are stupid part 2
To continue this topic... yeah this dude on this dating website, shit....think it's the same dude, yeah it is, commented on one of my pics. He was complaining about how I'm always online when he's online. lol Dude, don't come to the site then or come on at a different time. I'm not gonna change my internet usage times for you. You are not that important to me, or at all.
But what got me writing though, he said I have complexes cause I post my naked pics up there and that my personal life sucks cause I'm on that website. Oh dear. First, he's on there without any pics. Coward.
Second, bitch, if you don't like naked girls, go look at guy pics. If you like women's pics, then you're there to look at them. How is it okay to look at pics but not post them? He's such a retard I swear :D
Yeah then he also commented on how he doesn't like how I look. Not bothered by that at all. That's whatever, don't look at me. He doesn't have to like me. I don't care for your opinion dude, again, you're not important enough to me, so you can keep it to yourself.

they suck but he's good

Waaah, he's such a good singer. I normally dislike estonian singers cause they suck but he's good.

Ah so much power and sexiness.

my first and probably only

Okay, so it's Yule and I just had to pee desperately. Like, I've complained about peeing before and how I just hate it. I hate the desperate pressure when you need to go but I also don't wanna go before my bladder isn't completely full cause what's the point?
Yeah anyway, got my first and probably only present this holiday:

A very good present though, I must admit. From Ilme. I had this manky towel in the kitchen, cause I stopped using the paper towels and my mum forgot to bring the bag with clean stuff for me with her when she came to town this week, meaning she didn't get to bring new clean towels like I has asked her to (I only have one little one for hands/dishes and when it's in the wash I can't use anything) so Ilme had bought me a towel. The green thing. Yeah, it's nice but it doesn't absorb too well. Maybe I need to wash it first, dunno.
Then she got me bin liners. Hahaha, that's most likely a hint. But I really needed them anyway and don't have money to buy them. Was gonna steal a couple from work but forgot. So, nice.
And then she got me this oven cooked apple flavoured white chocolate which is one of my faves at the moment. Nice!

Yeah gotta put the bin liners into good use tomorrow cause I gotta clean up my place for sunday when my dad's family might come over.

I love my job

Oh my goodness! I love my job so much! :) I'm always so happy at work and it gets me out of the house. :) I could freely work through the holidays (I can't though cause the shop is closed, empty and there's nothing to clean up). I'm just so incredibly greatful for my job. No jinx!

Yule-y!

Okay, I don't celebrate Christmas but it looks like it'll be saved anyway. Like today, after work, I went to Selver and the cashier was a "relative" of mine. She's my father's wife's sister's daughter. Her name's Diana too. We had a little chat. She's in her first year in uni now. She's studying physical culture. She and her family live in the north of the country but she lives in Tartu now. Maybe we can get together sometime? She's probably busy with her young uni friends though.
And I thought that was all the family I was gonna get for the holiday weekend. Yeah, called my dad's wife to tell her I saw Diana and she said they might be coming over on sunday. Yay!
Oh and my supervisor at work wants to meet up quickly tomorrow so she can give me her homemade head cheese. Nice! And I've got blood-mixed dumpling sitting in the fridge aswell. Yule-y!

Cool cool

So yeah I was right about the P. Started on the 22nd. Cool cool. Ahh, it's the long weekend tomorrow after work. Will be in Tartu.
Then on New Year's Eve I wanna go down town to watch the fireworks. Will see how that plays out. Mum said the "relatives" from Finland (Moonika and Kalli) will be coming over though.

TS22122016

So now I'm like ???

Okay, I'm annoyed with myself. For days I've been feeling like my period is about to start. They got messed up last month, had them twice. The second time started like about 10 times early or something and I didn't write it down anywhere. So now I'm like ??? When the fuck can I expect them?

hey dude, we went to kindergarten together, wanna hook up?

Ok, so I had two little fails recently. First though, I have to see my psychiatrist from now on. They don't do prescriptions via phone anymore. What the shit like? The consultation costs 10 euros and the shrink only does monthly prescriptions which means I have to go there every month now and pay euros. And my pills actually cost about ten euros if not less. Like seriously!? Fuck that system!
In regards to that, I said fuck it, cancelled my appointment with my shrink and e-mailed my GP and asked if she can write a prescription for me. She did. But damn! I asked for the wrong pill! Fail one. Luckily, when I asked for the right pill she did another prescription. So that's sorted.
The second fail was on saturday at work. Fuck. I felt so embarrassed for myself. Like, the fave band dude I was talking about a few posts back.. when he came to the shop, it was closed. I was inside the shop and had to open the door for him. I dunno where my head was but I went to open the door with my chip. Yeah, you don't need the chip when opening the door from the inside, you can use the handle/lock thingy. I was so lame and didn't figure it out and for some reason the chip wasn't working. So I sent him to another door which I could open for him. God, I'm such a chowderhead.

Oh and I might have found this guy I was best friends with in kindergarten. I asked my brother, the one that lives with my dad, if he knew anyone around my age in the town. Like, my dad still lives in the town I went to kindergarten in. And my brother grew up in that town. It's a small ass town, everybody knows everbody. Yeah, he said he doesn't really know anyone. And the ones he does know just come and visit every once in a while. So I gave him a few first names and he knew on this guy called Tarvo. I looked him up on Facebook. Yeah I have no idea if he actually is the guy I went to kindergarten with or not. He looked a bit older yeah but he also like had a girlfriend and recent posts about her on his profile so I didn't bother sending him any messages. Like "hey dude, we went to kindergarten together, wanna hook up?" it would have been weird lol. Especially as he has a girl.
I might tell the story of our little friendship in one of my stprytime posts. Yeah I was meant to do them but I've only posted one so far. lol. Ooh, third fail! :D

men really are stupid

Ugh. I've probably talked about this before but whatever. So I'm still on this dating website. Shit, I don't agree with the fact that sex is something you have to pay for. But! It grinds my gears when men call women who take money for sex whores or losers or whatever. Like, dude, you are so pathetic you can't get a woman to sleep with you unless you pay her. Like, seriously, are you really someone who should be judging someone who gets laid and paid at the same time!? Jesus, men really are stupid.

My would have been Christmas presents 2016

Fuck! These are original Mononoke Hime hoodies. Shit! Why didn't I discover them sooner, I would have asked my mum to buy one for me. If not a hoodie then at least a T-shirt (cause it's cheaper). Ugh. Look at how cute they are.

A good day

So today I had to clean up the aftermath of the party. Thought it was gonna be awful. Yeah the catering people came early in the morning and took their chairs and tables away, said the music tech would come by in an hour to pack up the music equipment. Yeah, three hours passed and no one had come by and I was getting pissed. I was thinking I wasn’t gonna wait around for the guy to come cause I don’t wanna waste my saturday hanging around my workplace doing fuck all (I would have had to wait cause I had the chip and knew to security code to get into the building). Yeah and then finally, the dude came. And it wasn’t just any dude. It was a dude (Ilmar Madison) from one of my fave bands!! Shit, I love my job!!!! :D Had a very brief chat with him. A good day.

sleepland

Yeah I thought I'd have a problem going to bed early tonight to get up early tomorrow but I'm already feeling a little sleepy now actually. Will watch a film and then go to sleepland.

Keeps me humble

Okay, who says that working as a janitor in a car shop is not a glamorous job? lol In the last month I’ve seen this moderately famous actor/comedian (Tõnis Niinemets) while working cause he was filming a sort of an ad for the car company and today I met this very famous singer (Maarja) while at work. Like, I only got the soundcheck experience but that’s a thing too. She was there to perform at the car company’s christmas party tonight. Yeah, glamorous shit. Only tomorrow I gotta go and clean up after the party. Keeps me humble lol :D

windchime

So I watched some video about sex noises. Some idiot had posted a comment asking what noises do same sex couples make. Um, yeah dude, windchime jingles cause yous are too special for regular human noises. lol what idiots :D

chocolate flavour

Yeah, chocolate flavoured ice cream is gross. I'm not eating it nor have I had it, pretty much ever. I'm just going through some tweets on twitter and ice cream was mentioned and it reminded me how gross the chocolate flavour is lol

luxury of time

Ugh, I'm livid right now. Like, on friday my workplace has the christmas party. I have to go there like a little earlier and hurry to get the toilets, kitchen area and the floors cleaned. Today when riding home from work I was like, "please do not snow before friday cause then the floors will be a bitch to clean!!!" And what the fuck is that shit on the ground now when I look out the window!??!?! Fucking snow!!! I hope it melts by friday cause when it's snowy out the floors take forever to clean! I don't have the luxury of time on friday.
Yeah and they want me to go in on saturday at 10am!!! Who the hell is up at 10am on a saturday!? I mean I will do it but fuck...!

what choice do I have

So there's a christmas party coming up at my workplace on friday. Was hoping to get the day off. Yeah, just got a phonecall from my supervisor, I do have to work on friday. They will drive out all the cars in the shop and I just have to do the floors, on the first floor. Have to be there at 18:30 and the party will start at 20:00. Hopefully I'll be quick enough and gone before the guests get there.
Yeah and then, I have to work on saturday to clean up properly, the tiolets and offices. Ugh, okay I guess, what choice do I have. :)

It's time!

I think I’m lonely without realising or feeling it. Like, before my first boyfriend I used to get super lonely and sad and cry about it. Now I find myself looking up the guys I went to kindergarten with. Like… cause I hate dating and the getting-to-know-him period. And I hate being on a date as in being in a forced situation. I just want a guy I've met and got to know naturally. Yeah, the kindergarten business is worrying lol, I'm, we're too old, the guys are probably married with kids already by now. Ugh. Yeah I’ve been single for almost 7 years, I'm ready for the loving. So tired of one night stands. Yeah I'm not lonely as in feeling sad and desperate but yeah I want a man. It's time!

the first floor of the building

Oh goodness! Just had a panic attack. The nap I was talking about, yeah it really threw me off just now. I was legit thinking it was monday evening today and I freaked out thinking I had missed work. Fuck. It felt so bad. My stomach just dropped to the first floor of the building.

that's it

If I remember correctly then I haven't napped ever since I started working this year. And today I got sleepy and napped. I would have slept even longer but it was almost 12am so had to wake up. I woke up around 5pm and went to nap before 10pm. It felt nice though. Um...yeah that's it.

an organic crush

I think I'm developing an organic crush on this guy at work. He's short, dark haired. I noticed him when he started saying hello to me. Like, he doesn't seem to say hello in a nice way, just in a polite way but yeah...I noticed him. I say hello back and check him out. He doesn't check me out. I'm just glad I like someone other than a celebrity.
The bad thing is, I work in the shop part of the place, where they sell cars, he works in the garage part of the place where they fix cars. And I'm pretty sure he has a girlfriend (cause...my luck!) and even if he doesn't he most probably wouldn't be interested in me.
I'm just happy seeing his cute face around a few times during the week. I wanna ask my co-worker, who cleans the garage part, for his name. She probably knows since she's been there for about three years. Although I only started noticing the guy like a couple of weeks ago. Maybe he's new?

our names sound alike

Hahaha, I laughed at and was embarrassed for myself today. Like, Lauri went on a school trip to Austria. Him and mum had a chat on Facebook. And mum told me about their convo on the phone. So basically she had told him to not get "us" anything but to bring back a chocolate for "Diana". And he was like,"will do". And I was all like "awwww" when mum told me the story. Then a couple of hours later I started thinking about the conversation again. Hah! I'm pretty sure mum meant not to bring us (herself, Lembit and me) anything but bring something back for Jaana, his girlfriend. :D I felt so lame after realizing that. It's not my falut our names sound alike.

vocalist

Yeah, Nicki Minaj is such a great vocalist.

waking up

Yeah so, I rang my shrink. Have to up my Olansapiin dosage. Just 2,5mg a day instead of 2,5mg every other day. Just til the end of year. She said other patients' health has suffered aswell, gone worse. She said it's cause of the season. Fuck! I knew it.
I had the worst night. I kept waking up after every half an hour, literally. And I started feeling like shit when waking up. Took Valium. Made it a little better but still kept waking up.
Man, I hope work goes well.

it's a tough life trying to be normal

Okay yeah. I gotta ring my shrink. I've been staying up til 8am (and actually falling asleep at 9am-12pm). I thought it was my Matthew Gray Gubler and internet obsession, which definitely plays a role in this whole thing, but now I'm sure it's cause of me going off of Olanzapine. Like, I've been sweating like crazy, in a horrible stinky way, my jaw clenching is still happening. And I'm sure my sleeping problems are cause of that aswell. I'm on 2,5mg every other day. I dunno if I should completely stop or if it's wiser to keep taking the pills. I've been lowering the dosage for months, gradually and slowly cause I wanna get off the pill for sure. So I wanna ring my doctor and ask her what to do. December's supposed to be the month where I was supposed to stop taking the pills all together but I dunno really...maybe I'll just take 2,5mg every two days. Argh, dunno! I read online that the withdrawal symptoms can last for months. Yeah it's a tough life trying to be normal again. :D

Noorkuu

Oh man! I just found out one of my all time fave bands turned 20 this year. Fuck yes! Been there since the start.
Two of the founding members are from my hometown, I think, well they lived here anyway when I got into the band. They also lived in the same street as me. And at one point they also lived in the same house as one of my classmates. So I was like, they're my band. :D
The summer before moving to Ireland I happened to catch one of the band's shows. It was glorious! Then I moved to Ireland in october, my birthday's in november and my mum sent me their album for me as a present. And the album was recorded in the summer and had the songs on it I saw them perform at that show. Fuck! Sentimentally, the best birthday gift ever!

do it the way I like it

So there was this video on YT on the topic of what mistakes men make in bed... here are my two cents:

Yeah this one person said, men can approach me the way they wanna. Um yeah they cannot lol. If they wanna have sex with me, they gotta do it the way I like it.

regressing

Haven't been to mum's house in about two months. Mum thinks I'm regressing. I think she's right. She says I'm on my way back to rock bottom. I hope this doesn't happen though. I feel alright, the only reason I don't go out now is cause of the damn season. I hate the cold! And it's just so shitty riding my bike in the snow. I just really gotta start going to bed earlier. That's the only thing that's really out of place right now. And yeah I only get out of my house when I need to go to work/the shop. I basically don't move or get fresh air at all.

The song about how much I hate winter

https://www.youtube.com/embed/iq0ExlC11a8
Waaaah, soo sooo so good! On repeat all day today. My exact feelings.

being nice

Haha, Ilme was being delusional again. Luckily it didn't make me mad. Like the first thing I do when I get up is go and put the kettle on for my tea and wash my cup at the same time. That's what I was doing this morning. And I've said before that the first thing Ilme tells me in the morning is to do shit for her. So when I was doing my thing, she came into the kitchen and asked if I would take the garbage out today. I was still sleepy, so I was very calm and told her I just woke up and wasn't even thinking about such things yet. Then I totally forgot about the conversation cause it was so unimportant. Then before going to work I remembered the garbage and I went into Ilme's room to tell her I'd take it out tomorrow cause I wanna have a bath today after work. And she was like okay but don't get moody with me, talk nicely to me. !?!?!?!?!? Bitch, seriously!?!?!?!?!? I was in no way moody with her lol. And I was being nice to her. The fact that she didn't think I was being nice to her was cause I didn't jump the fucking gun and run outside right then and there when she brought up the garbage. Like, no, I'm not gonna take the garbage out the second you think of it. And are we really, really really, gonna talk about being nice!? Um, what about the time you barged into my room after when I had had sex to give out to me about having sex when it's not even your fucking business?!?!? You can just shut up about being nice since you clearly have no idea what being nice is about. She thinks being nice is obeying and worshipphing her. What a hag!

healthy and responsible

Yeah I was trying to be healthy and responsible. Started feeling sleepy at 4am and went to sleep. Woke up at 5am feeling like shit. So here I am, browsing the web cause I feel too sick to sleep. Fun times.

brain and memory

Okay :D I read my this years' blog posts and I keep repeating my stories. Girl, where's your brain and memory!? So lame.

I've been nostalgic

So I've been trying to hunt down the dude who I had my first kiss with. Yeah, I went to kindergarten with him. And then I tried to find my good boy friend from kindergarten times aswell. Yeah I couldn't find them. I only remember their first names and I obviously know thename of the little town we lived in at the time. Shit. I was just wondering what they look like now. I've been nostalgic.

Crazy For You

Was obsessing over this song in my teens. Thought it was a lot older song though. Yeah, just started listening to it again. The guy has got such a nice neutral voice, easy to listen to.

so much pain and discomfort

Okay, I'm actually dying. For real. Think my crappy sleeping pattern has caught up with me now. I feel so incredibly nauseated. My stomach hurts. I really don't wanna go back on my pills. The shitty thing is I can't physically sleep. My stomach starts aching so bad when I lay down. *super sad face*
Maybe it's cause of the damn season and weather. I hardly go out and don't get fresh air.
Whatever it is, it's killing me. I'm in so much pain and discomfort. I'm so scared of going to work today. I have a feeling I won't last the whole day. If that's the case then I'm sooooo fucked.

crunch

Ugh. The last weekends have been so bad. And the work days aswell. But especially weekends. Last night was terrible.
I went to beed around 9am. And wouldn't fall asleep till about 12pm. And then got up around 4pm. My sleeping is so fucked, fuck! I dunno what to do. I definitely don't want to start taking Mirtazapiin again though.

Oh and Ilme went into her crazy bitch mode again the other day. We use paper towels in the kitchen. When I'm done drying my stuff I don't throw out the paper, I straighten/unfold it and let it dry to use it again some other time. Ilme crunches them up which makes it impossible to use them again. And the other day she told me to use one of her crunched up towels. And I said I don't want to use them (I have told her before not to crunch them). And she was like, "but they're yours, you crucnhed them!" Like, fuck no! I most certainly do not crunch them. I'm all for recycling the paper towels, that's why I straighten them and then lay them spread after using them. Ilme has forever crunched them and now she's trying to say I do it. Fuck that bitch, seriously.
Anyway, the consesus was, i stopped using paper towels. And that she will buy her own paper towels from now on. I'd like to see her try and tell me to go and buy them for her. You use them, you buy them! I dunno she's always like, "go buy paper towels/toilet paper! They're too big/heavy for me." Um, how in the world are they smaller/lighter in my arms? Anyway, I don't use the towels anymore so... I will not buy them anymore.

Think I have it

Ok, I just came across this thing called misphonia. Think I have it. I feel such strong rage and disgust when Ilme is eating and I can hear her dentures clicking. Fuuuuuucccckk!!! It's the grossest thing ever! I hate it so much! I have to leave the kitchen when she's eating cause I cannot stand the noise. I keep shaking my head when I'm in the kitchen with her, like washing the dishes or something and can't escape straight away, to quieten the noise in my ears and distract my body from reacting to it more violently (not towards Ilme, I'd like to point out). Ughhhh, I just feel so repulsed right now, even just thinking about it.

Bieber and Obama

So there was this odd day last week when I was crushing on Bieber and Obama. Wtf!?

on purpose

Ugh. Rant.
Ilme just drove me insane. She has accused me of ruining forks ever since I moved in. For some reason she thinks I'm opening jars with them and bend them. Yeah, I've never not once in my life opened a jar with a fork. She tells me she doesn't believe me and that I'm lying to her. Fuck you, seriously. Now I wanna bend all the forks on purpose just to piss her off.

temporary

Ok, my mum either has dementia or someone is using her FB. Her account keeps sending me messages she doesn't know about. Just changed her password for her cause she wants to delete her account. Can't blame her.

Yeah and my withdrawal symptoms are in full swing. Can't sleep, still clenching my jaw, chewing my cuticles til it hurts and bleeds and have no appetite. Weight is going down though. Tbh, think I'd rather be a bit fuller and not have these symptoms but here's to hoping they're temporary.

You're The One That I Want

So sensual and sexual. New fave.

coming off of it

So it's been a few days since I went even lower on my Olansapiin dosage. Yeah my body has noticed it. I'm clenching my teeth/jaw so hard constantly. Like, noticeably. The brain is weird. Or the nervous system. Whatever makes me do it. I hope it's just a withdrawal symptom not a permanent weird damage thing. I didn't have that problem when I was fully on the pill, just now when coming off of it.

Oh and mum asked me today when I was going to her place. I told her in spring. For real :D I hate even going to work in this weather and road conditions to there, let alone take a 2 hour trip to mum's house.

the spice

Ugh. I hate spicy/hot food. Bought these chicken wings flavoured crisps, the flavour's good but the spice is the worst. Totally ruins the flavour by intensely burning my taste buds. Like, why would anyone ever like the hotness!? I like a good strong flavoured thing but spice is just useless. People who like spicy food are weird. And people who make spicy food should be banned from kitchens/any kinda food factories.

Gotta see my Matthew

Argh! I only have about three GBs left this month and I'm soooo into Criminal Minds. Think I will order 5 more gigs when I run out. Gotta see my Matthew. :)

this kind of attitude

I dunno what the exact saying is but apparently the type of someone's personality can be seen by how they treat animals. And I agree with this wholeheartedly.
What got me thinking/writing was this post on Facebook. It was about stray animals and shelters. I just loved how in Ireland there weren't really any proper strays. In Newbridge anyway. I know there were cats that weren't owned by anyone but a lot of people fed them and let them "sleep over" and the cats just walked from house to house freely, fed and happy. This is so caring and considerate of the Irish. I wish this kind of attitude was more widespread.

butterflies and tingles

Ah! Gotta love my name. Have heard my celeb crushes say it. Just watched an episode of Criminal Minds and Matthew said it a few times. Gives me butterflies and tingles. :D

So...it snowed

So...it snowed.

out in the fields

This happened today :D He got himself stuck under there. Brother got home from school and didn't see him anywhere, thought he was out in the fields or something. So he carried on with his day. Finally he discovered him under the porch. The dumbass didn't get that my brother was trying to get him out from the other end. Never mind my brother's failed whistles. Oh and brother said when the dog got out it ran to the field and peed for forever lol

8am

Shit, my sleeping is so off. I legit go to bed at 8am now. Ugh.
Been like that for about three weeks.

hacked

Ha! My Twitter account was hacked. I seriously cannot imagine what kinda person would wanna hack my account. I never ever tweet and only yhave 1 follower. :D
I kinda don't wanna delete the tweets they tweeted or change the name and profile pic :)

I KNOW MY BODY!

Been thinking about it several times but never blogged about it. My therapist is a lovely woman, I get on with her well. But she annoys me when we're talking about my weight. My body works like my body. I know how it works.
Like, a year or two ago we were talking about how I've gained weight cause of my pills. She said it's cause I'm older. No. Again, I know how my body works. I'm a naturally skinny person. I was skinny up until the point I started taking the pills. They slowed down my metabolism, that's why I've gained all this weight.
And last time I saw her we were talking about my sleeping habits. I really gotta do something about it cause I go to bed like at 8am.
She said that eating late and going to bed this late means I will gain weight. Again, no. And again, I know how my body works. That does not make me gain weight. I am a skinny person!!! Before pills I could eat whatever however much I wanted at any time of the day/night and I did not gain weight. I do not gain weight like most people. I have a fast metabolism. That's just my body. I know how my body works!
I have really bad sleeping habits and I eat shit but I've gone down on my Olansapiin dosage and I've lost weight. Tell me again how eating and sleeping make me gain weight!? Cause they don't! I KNOW MY BODY!

Fuck yes! Hell yes!

Omg I just found out Spencer Reid's mother is called Diana!!! Best thing ever. It's a sign! I'm destined to crush on Matthew. :D

How I found him? Well... not gonna lie, for a few days there I didn't even remember cause I was just absolutely crazy about him.
Anyway, a couple years back or so I saw him on Celebrity Ghost Stories. Didn't think too much of him. Then saw the epsiode again some time afterwards. Liked his story and the way he told it. I looked him up on the net a little. But that was it. I just knew him as the dude off CGS.
Then I watched Band Of Robbers in May this year. I knew he was in it but didn't think anything about him again cause I was lusting after Gallner.
And then last wednesday, 5th of October 2016, I happened to randomly see a video of him on youtube and I fell so hard! Dunno what made me like him. Anyway, all I knew about him was the fact that he was on CGS. Yeah and now I'm watching Criminal Minds just to see him. I wanna be really quick with it so I can catch up to season 12 lol. Gonna take a while.
Yeah and on tuesday I went to see my therapist and she said I seemed really upbeat and chirpy. Fuck yes! Hell yes! Everybody needs a little bit of Matthew Gray Gubler in their life!

Help yourself!

So Ilme confronted me today. Earlier, she asked me to go to Asta's place to take something there. I said maybe tomorrow, I'm busy right now. And I asked why Asta herself can't come and pick up whatever needed picking up. Then Ilme got mad at me and wouldn't talk to me. Whatever. I went to work.
After I came back she was like "what's with you standing up to me?" I couldn't think of anything to say at the moment so I just said "I told you I'd do it tomorrow". And she was like "maybe Asta's not home tomorrow". And then I didn't say anything. Seriously, I'm not gonna drop everything and jump right when she tells me to jump. I said I'd do it tomorrow. If she doesn't like it, too bad, do it yourself then.
Then she's like "I've helped you before too and keep helping you now". Yeah I've been helping you all this time aswell. Bitch, when was the last time you took out the garbage!??! For all the fucking four years I think I've been living here, I've been the one to take the shit out. Plus, how is she helping me now!? She gets her panties in a twist when I have a man over. Fuck you, dumb bitch! Help yourself! She acts as if I'm her personal assistant. And she so doesn't like that I don't do stuff for her. Tough luck, I'm still not gonna do shit for you. You fuck up my personal life, I fuck up yours.

likeable and cute

Oh dear. This week is so lovely. I found a new celeb crush - Matthew Gray Gubler. I first saw him on Celebrity Ghost Stories. Liked his story but didn't check him out.
Then I watched Band Of Robbers. For Gallner but he was in it, but because of Kyle I didn't really pay attention to him. And now a couple of days ago I somehow found him on YT and I'm obsessed! He so likeable and cute!

TS5102016

sexual taboos

Ugh I hate all this discreet sex business. If you’re not man enough to admit you’re having sex don’t fucking contact me! I don’t wanna fuck a man with sexual taboos.

a budded potato

So yesterday was a good day. I got my disability percent thingy back. Still at 80%. And yesterday I thought I'd be getting my benefit money on the 5th but today I read the email again and I might not. Ugh.

And I know this is unrealistic bullshit but I just saw what kinda chicks my celeb crush goes for and I feel like a budded potato now.

I hope at least work goes well.

Sounded like a horrible idea til

Was cooking today at mum's place while she was in sauna. Sounded like a horrible idea til I heard this amazing song on the radio - Chasing The Moon. And Now I'm obsessed with Mary Lambert. I know I said Elisa was my fave lyricist. Think I found a competitor lol. Nah, they're both amazing. But Mary is new and I'm just so amazed and in awe. Love, love, lover her stuff.

This is the result of the wonderful summer weather we had this year

This went down yesterday. Lauri caught it on film. This is the result of the wonderful summer weather we had this year. We have so many broken and unstable trees in the forest. This summer has been all about them.
That's mum next to the car with the blinking lights on. Watching out for cars. I was on the other end of the road waiting to warn cars.

I'm done!

Uuurhrghghhh, men are so annoying! Like, they're like "wanna see me shower?", "want me to give you head without you doing nothing in return?", "wanna see me wank?". Like, bitches, stop!!!
Just cause yous like to wtach someone take a shower, give you head or flick their bean doesn't mean women want the same things from you!!! These are your fantasies, not the women's you send your idiotic messages to.
I've so had enough of the oral sex offers. No, I don't want your grubby mouth anywhere near my vag. Just cause men are notorious oral sex enjoyers, doesn't mean women are too. I find the idea of going down on a woman extremely nauseating. I will never do it and I don't want anyone to do it to me. So please stop grossing me out!!!
Plus, while we're on the subject - men, please don't finger women! Hard with a finger is not the same as hard with a dick. Fingers hurt like shit and just feel extremely uncomfortable.
Also, french kissing is gross as shit too. Don't do this shit to me! Tongue kissing to me is exactly the same as going down on a woman: slimey, gooey, fucking gross. I don't want your damn tongue anywhere near my mouth. Fucking shit, it's gross!!!!
I'm done!

Chrome

Argh! Chrome nail tutorials are my thing! Like watching them on YT. The powdering bits are just orgasmic. I love it so much.
Plus this week has been a little crappy. My stomach, abdomen feels sick. Last week was fine but the week before was the same thing. Ugh. I really don't wanna go up on my Olansapiin dosage. So I'm just keeping it as is and hope my sickness will pass.

Shut up, dumbass!

A stress management specialist is over at the Formans' house to find out the source of Red's stress/high blood pressure.

SMS (to Red): I think I know what the problem is. I believe the source of your stress is your son.
Red: Him? (Points at Eric)
Eric: Me?!
Red: You think my problem is my own son? My son is a fine young man.
Eric (baffled): Wow, dad you don't-
Red (cuts Eric): Shut up, dumbass!

still going strong

Ahhh, still going strong, girl! She's one of my fave lyricists. She's just amazing. And judging by her lyrics, a great person and a friend.

in a madhouse right now

Jesus, I feel like I’m in a madhouse right now. I live in a block of flats and two neighbouring apartments are playing music too loud I can hear them both. Mostly, I can hear the bass and beats all over one another. Doesn’t sound good. :s

impromptu date

Had a quick impromptu date with this guy tonight. We met up in town. He was a little too bountiful with compliments. I mean I didn't know what to say back or how to react. I said thanks a few times but...what else am I supposed to say!?
He brought em flowers and a little cake.

Going to work kit

4 yellow valerian pills (to calm myself), 1 white escitalopram (regular antidepressant), 2 purple ginger-oak bark-blueberry pills (for nausea), 1 white cerucal (for nausea) and 5-28 drops or Valium (to calm myself). Life is fun! At least today I don’t have to take a painkiller. Yet.

in pieces

I wanna cry at the moment so bad. I still feel like shit. I wanna cry cause it would make me feel better, physically. I always feel better when I've cried. I thought I feel shit cause of periods but now I don't even know. My stomach is in pieces.
I'll try to ring my supervisor early in the morning and ask her if she can find someone for tomorrow to cover my shift. Ugh I hate to do this but seriously, the work time was horrendous today.

I mean I know it's cause of periods but fuck!

Holy shit what a horrible day I had! Went to the shop to buy rolls cause the sandwhich I had was gross. Got anxiety in the shop. Like what!? Haven't had that happen in months!
Then it carried on til I got to work and had it pretty much all of the work time aswell.
Man I felt sick. I took so much medication. Luckily I managed to get all of my work done and by the end of the work day I started feeling a little better.
I mean I know it's cause of periods but fuck!

a cool and cute story

So a few days ago I uploaded a mug pic on this dating website and this guy wrote to me, saying I was "that girl from the car shop". I asked him who he was and was all panicking thinking he was a worker in the shop I work at cause... I have all my naked pics up there and shit. He then said he had been trying to find me on one of those websites. He said that a couple of months ago or so I had almost run into him with my bike near the car shop I work at and had smiled at him. Okay, sounds plausible, eventhough I don't remember it.
He sent me a pic of him. Apparently. Like it would have been such a cool and cute story how I almost organically met a guy but he turned out to be a perv so I'm not talking to him anymore.

TS492916

sad news

So...sad news. I didn't get my pension today. Why the fuck not though!??!?! I always get it on the first friday of the month! That means I won't be able to go to the cinema tomorrow. Have to go to mum's place cause I'm all out of money.
I hope my contract thingy isn't up yet, that they're just slow.

I'll be good

Ahhh! I better get my pension on friday cause I wanna go see Sausage Party on saturday. I was gonna go with the bro and his chick but he fell ill and the film is on at 8 in the evening so he couldn't come from the countryside anyway.
Ahhhh! I'm so excited! I felt so victorious at the cinema the last time when I went to see Dory. I wanna make this a monthly thing now.
I mean I'm gonna illegally download those films anyway cause I like watching stuff over and over but...ahhh.
I am a little worried about the film being shown so late though but I will take my pills or Valium and I'll be good I hope. :)

it's evening and I don't like it

Ugh it's evening and I don't like it. The last two nights at mum's have been terrible. I dunno if it's insomnia or whatever but I keep waking up feeling sick several times during the night. I've only slept for about 4 hours in the last two days.
I hope tonight I can sleep cause I really don't wanna go back on Mirtazapiin.

change the station

I work at a shop as a janitor. And they play Sky Plus in it cause the stuff they sell has ads on that radio. And I do enjoy listening to music when cleaning. But I think I gotta stop listening to the radio. Like I only work like two hours a day and I'm fucking sick of the songs they play! The just keep repeating the same ones over and over.
I'm at my mum's now and my brother's playing the radio. I thought at work okay maybe they only play those songs at this time but now I'm here and they play exactly the same songs! Oh god! I told my brother to change the station.

They're... crazy bitches

So there used to be a saying about men "All the good ones are taken".
Then I think it turned into "All the cute ones are gay".
And now I find myself saying "All the cute and good ones are single but fathers". And I don't want no baby daddy. I really don't care what his relationship is like with the kid or the mother, just N! O! If a woman  has a baby she thinks she owns the dude who fucked her and got her pregnant for all of eternity for all of his possessions, emotional, physical, material, mental, whatever. I don't wanna deal with those crazy bitches. They're... crazy bitches.

I've HAD ENOUGH

Okay, I really need a new place to live. Ilme is driving me insane!! Every morning I get up the first thing, THE FIRST THING, she says is "are you going to the store?", implying she wants something from there, or "will you go to the basement?", implying she wants something from there or wants me to drop something off there, or "will you go to Asta's place real quick?", again to get something or drop something off.
I've HAD ENOUGH!!! Like I can't even have a man over without her giving out to me and then she has the audacity to want stuff from me!?!?! Like bitch no!!!
I couldn't give less fucks about her fucking thank yous even if I tried.
I want to leave her in a state of dispear when I leave. She's so fucking controlling and bossy, she won't survive without me. I doubt she will find someone to run errands for her cause other people might not be a s fucking tolerant as me.

a little flatter

My supervisor told me today I looked leaner than before. Good stuff. I haven't restricted my diet or worked out but I have lost about 3 kilos. My belly does look a little flatter.

we got this bad boy out

So this weekend we had guests from Finland, Moonika and her daughter Kalli. We also made apple juice.

On saturday I gathered all the apples and sorted the bad ones from the good ones.

On sunday we got this bad boy out. This purees the apples.

This is the press. You use the ridged trays (put them on top of each other), put pieces of cloth on top of the tray and smear the pureed apples on it, then wrap it up, do it again. When you've used up all the trays and cloths, you twist the thingy on top and ot presses the trays together and apple juice starts flowing out of the spout into a vessel.
Then you add some sugar to the juice and bring it almost to boil, then bottle it.

so irritating

I know I'm not the benchmark for playing the Sims. Like, I play pirated copies for fuck's sake. But it grinds my gears so much when people use mods and CC and then run to the forums asking for help when some of their shits is not working or not doing what it's supposed to do properly. Like, bitch! You have thrid party shit in your game, don't go to the original game content forum to whine about your pseudo problems. Get rid of the bullshit in your game that wasn't supposed to be there in the first place! I cannot believe how selfish and stupid those people are! Ughhh, so irritating.

Sucks

Well, this summer has been weird. It's been mostly cold and rainy. And when we had warm weather, it was too hot and humid. No normal dry heat.
It's raining right now... and I gotta go to work in half an hour. Sucks.

the middle of nowhere

Oh my god, what a day it was. Was at my mum's over the weekend. Which reminds me, now it's the sad time of the year where I can't go to mum's place after work on fridays cause it's too dark.
Anyway... so I came back to town today from mum's place. Yeah my bike's tyre went flat before Luunja and I fucking had to walk to Tartu which to my house is about 14 kilometres. I started coming from mum's house around two and got home right before five on bike it takes me about an hour and 40 minutes). Ate cottage cheese and then rushed to the bike shop to get the tyre changed. Then went to work.
Shit, the backs of my knees were killing me.
I'm alright now though.
It's the second time my bike breaks down in the middle of nowhere.

it's something I can do

So I went to see Finding Dory today. I survived! Things didn't go that smoothly though. My brother's a proper chowderhead.
Like for about a week I've been telling him the film was shown in Ekraan cinema. I told him so many times that let's meet at 12 outside the cinema cause the film starts at 12:15.
So today, when I was already watching the film my brother rings me and asks what time the film starts (the film had been on for almost half an hour already). I asked him where he was and he said Tasku (where the cinema Cinamon is at). Like fuck! How the hell did he forget the place and time!? I had been going on about to him for days.
Anyway, he and his gf showed up and we watched the film.

Man I didn't get anxiety at all. I mean I took Diazepam drops but still. I really wanna go see something at the cinema again! Too bad it's so expensive. But at least now I know it's something I can do.

all Ireland-y

So living in Ireland was all fine and dandy, except the health care system. And now it looks like my shrink stuff is becoming all Ireland-y. The communication and consideration sucks BIG TIME! Plus they're scamming me to get me pay loads of money for nothing. I fucking HATE it.
Will have to go and see the doc on the 10th to get my benefits sorted. Ugh thank god I don't have to go there more often. Like today I got a call from there and they were like "yeah the consultation is 50 euros". Like, bitch no! I've gone to my shrink for YEARS. I know how much it is. And it definitely ISN'T 50 euros. It's five! And then they just HAD to remind me that I have to pay 20 euros for the time I CANCELLED my appointment. Like fuck on. I'm not paying for it. I don't give a shit.

TS482016

I hope I'll last

Yay! So as of now I'll be going to the cinema with Lauri on saturday. We're going to see Finding Dory. The only crappy part is, it'll be in estonian and 3D. I hope I'll last in the cinema with my anxiety. :)

do not make me go to the woods

Ah! I cannot wait to get to mum's house today. I hope work goes well aswell.
The only downer is, we probably gotta go to the forest again. Last weekend we worked in the forest and it was horrible. Like I can weed and mow the lawn but please, do not make me go to the woods. There's ticks and other insects there who bite you. Ugh.

bossy and annoying

I wanna move so bad! Ugh I cannot stant living with Ilme anymore. She's so bossy and annoying. I've had enough.

cause... anxiety

Ahh, what a great day!
Mum rang me non stop in the morning when I was still sleeping cause her ATM card was on me. So I finally answered the phone and we said to meet up. We did, outside my house. Went to the grocery store with her and Lauri. Got some yummy stuff. Well, just food. Then we talked about eating at my place but I said my room was a mess so they decided to go into town.
I went home.
As soon as I got in, I thought of going back out. My backpack package had arrived at this new shopping center so I thought I'd look for the post office in it with mum cause... anxiety.
So I rode my bike up to them. Went to pick up my bag. It's super cute. Haven't checked if my laptop fits into it yet.
Then, I hadn't eaten breakfast and mum and brother were hungry, they went to look for a place to eat. I just tagged along cause I can't eat outside anyway cause... anxiety.
Anyway, we found this crappy fast food place, no one was too thrilled except my brother a little cause he wanted french fries and he got them but didn't finish them. And then! I fucking went and ordered food for myself aswell. AND I FUCKING ATE OUTSIDE OF HOME!!! I haven't done this shit in YEARS! I didn't feel too much anxiety. I mean I was aware of the food going down my oesophagus and I made note of everything in my stomach but still. I did it and I didn't feel like up chucking at all. Mum said I'm almost like a normal person.
Then Lauri went to see some girl who lives in Tartu. Some Russian chick.
Me and mum went shopping. I got two dresses for 3 euros. It was 1.50-an-item day in Humana.
And then we went to the open market. I got cherries.
Then I got home.
Work went super well aswell.

The only downer is... since I'm fat and all and the weather is super hot and humid my thighs rub up against each other and it's all red and sore. How do the fatties live in the summer. I must get my tihgh gap back for next summer. I don't want this uncomfortability next year.
But yeah...a good day!

I'll just disappear one day all of a sudden

Omg, yesterday was such a cute day. Came to mum's place. Mum and Lembit rode their bikes to meet me half way. Super cute. I didn't even reckognise them first cause I wasn't expecting it.
I'm sort of looking for a new place cause I gotta have men over. And I'm tired of doing shit for Ilme and have her boss and control me. I'm not even gonna warn her, I'll just disappear one day all of a sudden.

baby steps

someone to love and care for

Okay, since I'm a choosy ass bitch and can't find a boyfriend I decided to get a pet. I want a hamster or a guinea pig. Will try to ring up some places tomorrow for prices. I just need someone to love and care for.

small nose

Ha! Mum made me laugh out loud today. She said I have a small nose!!!! I laughed. It's the first time someone has said anything like it. My nose is fucking huge okay!? And I'm okay with it. I just told her my face has got fat that's why my nose doesn't seem as big as before. Oh dear...

Where's my money!?

Shit! It's the 15th which means it's my payday. Where's my money!? I've waited so long to find out how much I'll get paid and now I don't even get paid at all.

Yeah and I bought lottery. I better win this shit.

Anyway, yes it's friday!!! I get to go to mum's house again. Hopefully it won't rain.

young dicks

Ugh I wish I had it in me to get fit. Just read an article of how this overweight dude got in shape within a short amount of time. Like, motivation, where the fuck are you!? I wish it would hit me in the feels when someone commented on my weight. I just don't give a single, tiniest fuck about what anyone thinks. Even my own opinion isn't strong enough of a factor. Maybe cause I don't think I'm that fat yet. Ugh, I could do like sit ups. Like hundreds of them and go jogging, even around the house but....yeaaaaahhh, I'm too lazy. Again, not being depressed about my weight. Just annoyed. And only thinking about it cause I saw the article.

Yeah and I've been into Matthew Santoro these past couple of days. I hope he doesn't take over my Michael Clifford obsession. I like fancying young dicks.

virgin d

So I thought I'd go to town and sit quietly in the town centre for a while, people watching. Yeah I didn't know the Hansapäevad fair was in session. Man there were so many people. I survived. I mean I was there for a little time only but still.

And I'm chatting to this one virgin guy. Ahhhh, I so wanna ride that virgin d.

And now I want a Mcdonalds' quater pounder.

the most attention I've got

So our lawn mower broke. I'm sorta happy about it. Don't have to sweat anymore. Lembit found this ancient mower though. I hope I don't have to use it. It's electrical, with a cord and everything. Boo!

Oh and I lost a follower on here. :D It's the most attention I've got in a couple of years I think.

TS372016

Good news

Oh man! I don't think I've ever sweated this much. Been lawn mowing in this crazy summer weather.

Good news is I ordered a bag off net: Click to check it out
I wanted the beige one at first but thought the purple one is more fun so I ordered that one. Hopefully I can fit my laptop in it.

Oh and other good news, I might buy a new laptop. Yay! :D

my family is plagued

I just remembered... a couple or so summers ago when dad's family came to visit me he said some people in my family, who live in Russia, are Jehova's witnesses. Gahhh, my family is plagued! :D

absolute bitches

Was supposed to go to my childhood friend's wedding today. Yeah I was so sure I was gonna go but as the day came nearer I got more and more hesitant. Didn't wanna cause drama with my anxiety. I just don't do well in crowds. I really would have wanted to go though cause it's (supposedly) once in a lifetime thing.

Instead, I was at my mum's place. We went swimming. Got to skinny dip. The weather was impossibly humid. At least this year we had nice weather on jaanipäev.

Yeah and I've been conversing with these crazy ass vegans for the last two days. Crazy people. Yeah they "care" for the environment and animals but they're absolute bitches to humans. I don't think I've come across more hateful people before. Not feminists nor racists.

hammering

So much hammering today! We tore up the master bedroom's floor. Oh man. Tired now.

Yesterday I was thankful for colours. Went to the shop and I was just amazed by the greens and the blue of the sky. Today I'm thankful for the caring and money of my dad's family. Hopefully I'm able to get by on my own money now. Cannot wait til I get paid. I wanna know how much exactly I will get. It was said 150 euros but since I'm on benefits I should get a bit more.

I've got old

Yesterday was jaaniõhtu. Mum's brother came over with his lady. He said I've got old. How sad.

I'm so jealous

Okay so my brother has been sleeping in a tent with a girl. I'm so jealous. I wanna be sleeping with someone so close to me. Fuck. My brother has everything I wanted/needed as a kid: a family, computer and internet, a girl. Fuck!
Dare he get a girlfriend before I get a boyfriend! Shit.

mirror cracker

Shit. Why did I have to gain all that weight? It doesn't get me down and I'm not obsessing over it but I'm just annoyed. If I had not started taking my pills I'd be a skinny minny right now and could go to the beach and make all the bitches jealous.
Yeah I was just looking at some models and I just thought I could look that good. Body wise. My face is a mirror cracker lol.
I wish I didn't get all this anxiety before work then I could go down on my Olansapine dosage and maybe finally I'd start losing weight. Weirdly, it still hasn't really registered that I'm fat now. In my head I'm a skinny person who is fat. I mean I've been skinny most of my life. I look at my fatness as just a phase, a temporary thing. Hopefully it really is.
Ahh...I really wanna get my life back on track.

filters

Fuck. I left my laptop unattended for a whole day and it upgraded to Windows 10 on its own. Fuck! I don't understand shit. I never wanted to upgrade or a change. Ugh.
Mum's friend Ingrid was over with her man Juku. Had a dinner with them and a little chat. Was fun.
Plus I've discovered Snapchat. Those filters are so much fun.

I will never see him

So my brother graduated from middle school today. And he'll be going to a trade school next year. Yeah, I don't like how old he's getting. I don't want him to grow up. I hope he won't move to Tartu any time soon cause then I won't see him at all. Right now I see him when I come to mum's but when he moves to Tartu, I will never see him cause... why would he wanna hang out with me?!

Home and fed

Home and fed now. Thank god.
My, what anxiety I had today. Took four valerian pills, 5 drops of Valium, two activated charcoal pills, one painkiller and one pill of Cerucal. Plus, I got really hungry towards the end of the day and my blood sugar must have dropped so that helped along to the anxiety. Ugh. And tomorrow the woman who works the day shift is going to a model casting so I have to do her job. I don't even wanna think about the anxiety I will get.

The good thing is my brother past all of his exams and will graduate from the ninth grade. Wooo!

*super sad face*

I'm at work waiting to start. So anxious *super sad face*

Plus plus

Damn June, you're such a let down. It's so fucking cold and rainy. All day today. Plus I had to get up early to help mum out at the shop. Plus plus I had a cold bath. Fuck.
Had a three hour nap though :)
And yesterday this one guy started talking to me again, one who I've met before a couple of times. Haven't shagged him yet.
Mum said she set up a scarecrow. The name's Juula. lol So stupid. Our old one was called Marfalda. Mum's great at thinking up ugly names.

three weeks in

Damn my anxiety. I still feel anxious before work, eventhough I'm three weeks in. I normally feel like I really wanna go into work though. I like it so far.

water our beans

Fuck I hate gardening! Like I could've been at 5sos' gig last night but I had to water our beans.
And today been gardening for the most of the day. Weeding while listening to 5sos.

It's insulting

So this guy I was supposed to move in with, for lower rent not cause of relationshipy reasons... He invited me to cuddle naked. He said I could touch his junk. And he said he didn't mean it in a sexual way. WTF!?
It's insulting how stupid he thinks I am. Or maybe he himself is incredibly idiotic.

I wanna buy shit. Like food shit

Waiting for money like... *twiddles thumbs*
I better get my disability benefit tomorrow. I wanna buy shit. Like food shit.

going herbal

So I'm going herbal. I still need medication for work so I thought the herbal versions aren't as harsh to my body. I don't wanna get hooked on valium. Plus Cercual is also a bad pill.
Now I'm not completely knocking them cause they've served me soooooo well over the years but I wanna go easy on my body. :) My doc gave me a yes aswell on this.

31/5/2016

when I get there

Will have to leave for work soon. Anxiety is bad. :(
Hope it subsides when I get there.

I smiled all the way home

Just got my baby bike back. Man, it feels totally different when riding it. I was so so so happy. I smiled all the way home.

The anxiety is real

Ugh. Another start of the week. More obstacles to tackle. Today, I have to get my bike from the shop. Have to walk there. Plus, have to go to work again. The anxiety is real.

she dropped everything and ran to the phone

So my bike is in the shop. It breaks my heart a little when I go past the place downstairs where I normally keep it and not seeing it there.
I managed to walk back home from the shop just normally. I had told mother to be by her phone around ten in the morning in case I needed distraction to not get anxiety when going back home. Yeah.. I called her when I got home and she didn't pick up. Then around noon she calls me and says she forgot. She said when she realised she was supposed to be by the phone she dropped everything and ran to the phone. All was good though.
I'm a little worried about next week though. About work. I should start my period and my anxiety is always worse then. But hopefully I'll do fine.

Maybe tomorrow will suck but whatever. I have a good week behind me!

Phew! I remember posting this type of post years ago but... here we go again.
Finished my first week at my new job. I only got anxiety before going to work. Once I got there everything was fine. The job is supposed to last three hours. But today I got done in 2 hours and 15 minutes. I tried to be super fast cause I didn't wanna be the one to set up the alarm system. There's another woman cleaning another part of the building and I want her to do it.
Plus my bike broke on monday. So tomorrow I'm taking it to the shop. I dunno how I'll get home and how I'll get to go and pick it up, walking. I mean... I gotta get it back before work on monday. Yeah the chain and some cogs need to be changed. Hopefully it'll work just fine afterwards. Ahh... life seems good at the minute.
Maybe tomorrow will suck but whatever. I have a good week behind me!

what a day!

Oh my goodness, what a day!
Fist I came to town today from mum's place.
Then I went to shops a few times, with no anxiety.
Then went to sign a contract over at the janitor position office.
Then mum's workplace. Then went to town to buy this english book for my brother. And back to mum's workplace to give it to her to bring it home.
And then I went to my workplace! My workplace!
It was my first day at my new job. I was so anxious! Hopefully tomorrow I will be calmer. I hope I can get through this week without any massive anxiety attacks over there. Once I got to working I calmed down. I mean yeah I took a shit ton of pills but whatevs.
And then my bike broke. I dunno what happened. The chain is fucked up. Will go to the bike shop tomorrow to get it fixed.
Plus I have my psychologist appoitment tomorrow. Ugh. So much stuff again.

I cannot tell you how much it made me smile

My day was made!
Lasr satUrdat I sent a letter to the... national road services or whatever it's called, saying how a bus stop's bench is broken and asked them if they were gonna fix it. Today I came to mum's place AND IT WAS FIXED!!! I cannot tell you how much it made me smile :)

Plus today I had a "test day" at Kendra cleaning service office. Think I finally landed a job. Will get a phone call later this week. And if all goes well I start next week. Eek!

she can have fuckers around all day

Okay, Ilme still has guests over. For 12 hours now. So she can have fuckers around all day and I can't bring one over for a quick shag?

That's impolite

Shit, I wanna go and have a bath or take a shower but Ilme's got guests. It would be kinda impolite to walk around just in my towel. Ugh. They've been here for about 7 hours now. Why don't they realize they're overstaying their welcome. You don't stay at a person's place for that long! That's impolite.

For the last three days I've been going to mum's workplace to help her clean the store. I really hope she'll get a new job soon. She so hates the current one.
And next week I'll have a sort of a test day myself for this janitor position. I hope I won't get anxiety and can do the job.

diseases

Shit. I had a tick in me today. Hopefully I won't get any diseases. I don't think I've ever had a tick. I think I felt when it bit me. It was this tiny sharp pain. I removed it straight away when I felt it. At least I hope it just bit me then and not ages before. It was still little though. Ugh.

summer walks

Had out first barbecue this year. Then me and mum went to walk the dogs. Yeah, we sang all loud and proud and off. But it was so much fun.
I like summer walks. Winter ones are not fun, you just hurry out and hurry in just to get done with it but in summer you get to enjoy the walk.

"Why don't you want to do anything?"

Ugh, I really cannot stand Meghan Trainor. She sings about skinny shaming and frigidity. I just hate the song No so so so much. Plus it sounds very very old.

Yeah and today I worked all day on bushes and shit and then my mother asks me, "Why don't you want to do anything?" Like wtf!? I just worked on bushes all day!!!

TS242015

Will enroll, will see

I dunno if it's the spring or what but I wanna go back to uni. Will enroll, will see.

And why is it that you can never enjoy a season? Like spring in april is the bomb, but ticks!

April doesn't disappoint

Haven't updated much lately. Life has been good. Anxiety-wise. Have nothing to bitch about.

Came to town today from mum's place. Man, April doesn't disappoint. So lovely out :)

TS142016

shoo them away

I don't like insects that aren't afraid of my cursor when they fly onto my laptop screen. Means I have to move and shoo them away with my hands.

I like this one here

Wow, I actually like a Sia song. She's got a terrible voice but I like this one here.

drinking sucks balls

Well, I learned yet another lesson why drinking sucks balls. Won't ever do it. I don't need weird behaviour and mood, plus get locked out of my own house, then get into unnecessary fight and then not remember shit afterwards, asking other people about last night's shit. Plain stupid.

fuckin' truckin'

Damn it! It's been snow melting weather for quite some time now. The time I've been in town. And tomorrow I wanna go to mum's place. And what do you know!? It's fuckin' truckin' snowing out! Fuck!
Imma start moving at around two pm so it better be all gone by that time. I don't wanna be riding in slushy crap.

anxiety free

Uuughhh. job interview tomorrow. I'm terrified of getting the job. It's a janitor/helper position at this grocery store. I hope I can do the job anxiety free. I sure could use the money. Maybe I could buy a new laptop then.

the house next door

Okay, I might have a chance to move. To the house next door. The guy I met today, the one who I'd be living with, he was kinda sketchy though. Reminded me of Lauri. Hopefully I'll get to see the apartment soon.

gotta save money

Well I got a quarter pounder. Was really nice. Would eat another one but gotta save money.

I feel like snacking on something

Ugh. It's so bad being in town. I feel like snacking on something. I'm not hungry but I always feel like I wanna eat something. I have stuff to eat but I feel like buying more. Maybe I'll go and buy pizza. I don't have a whole lot of money left for the weekend but ugh... Maybe I'll go to McDonald's and buy a cheeseburger.

I'm sad

Awh, waah, just finished watching Home Improvement again. Man, this show is just the best! I feel so sad. But I'm gonna start watching That 70s Show now so... I'll be okay. :) But I'm sad.

be useful to society and bring happiness to people's lives

Sometimes I wanna be useful to society and bring happiness to people's lives. Like, I cannot tell you how many times I've wanted to find a missing animal and hand it over to it's owner.

Yeah and my grandfather died a week ago. His name was Silver. And I had never met him in my life. If I remember it correctly neither has my mother. He died of carbon monoxide poisoning. Oh well...

I'm on fire

Oh man! Am I glad I listened to the radio today. Found this gem:

I listened to Springsteen when I was younger. I really gotta check out his discography.

TS532016

Shitballs! Mum's making me cook. I hope I won't screw up.

Shitballs! Mum's making me cook. I hope I won't screw up.

once in a lifetime opportunity

Okay, unfortunately I won't be moving anywhere. The good news is, I entered the competition for 5SOS' meet and greet tickets. I most probably won't win. And even if I do I probably cannot go. But... we'll see :D It'll be a once in a lifetime opportunity.

be a slut again

Holy shit! I met this guy online who lives in a house next to me. He pays a lot less rent and is thinking of moving. I sooooooo wanna move into his place when he leaves. Then I can be a slut again!

the best expression

Hahaa... Lembit shared a pic with me:

I've got the best expression on my face! I set it as my phone lockscreen. It was taken on my 30th birthday celebration.

The aftermath of "must have"

The aftermath of "must have"

My first post

Woo! My first post via my phone! ☺

must have

Well, today was stupid.
Went to the shop with Nupi. Left Jossu in the hall. And apparently I left the kitchen door open. And he obviously wanted to come with but he's impossible to control. And he must have watched us leave through the hall window and the run to the kitchen to see where we were going. Then he must have got caught in the speaker wires and dragged them to the floor knocking over two vases and breaking Lembit's coffee cup which still had coffee in it, spilling that shit all over the place. *sigh*
Plus I bought jelly sweets and those things destroyed my tooth. It broke into pieces. No worries though. I planned to get it taken out anyway.

Not sure if it's okay to drink it

Shit. Bought this grapefruit juice. It tastes so bitter and reminds me of men's fragrance. Not sure if it's okay to drink it.
And I'm still kinda pumped about walking to mum's workplace today. I hope I keep getting better. This might mean I'll go jogging when I get new runners and the snow melts.

Masturbation fail | Storytime

Maybe I've talked about this but whatever. Here goes... When I was about 15 and still in school, some classmates of mine went to this camp. When they came back they told stories of the camp. One story was that they were shown videos of men and women masturbating. They were educative. The type of videos mentally ill people are shown to teach them satisfy their needs. And the man at the camp told everyone to masturbate cause apparently it was good for you. Yeah... I tried a few times but can't remember much about it. All I know is I've always failed at it. I fiddle around for about a minute then get bored. I'm not doing it for myself. Yeah the bigger fails are here:
1. A pen - I guess I wanted to try something other than my fingers or hand so... I turned to  a pen. Yeah I could walk around all my life with a pen inside me and I'd have no idea. I felt absolutely nothing.
2. A hairbrush - not the bristled end! The handle part. I didn't have anything else around that looked like a stick so I used the hairbrush. I put the condom on it and everything. Yeah, I got a yeast infection from that session. Fail!
3. A vibrator - I went down the normal person path with this one and bought a vibrator. I remember when I was in the shop there were different sizes and shapes. I didn't wanna buy a tiny stick-like one and there were some massive ones on the ground like freaking decorative floor vases. So I bought a "medium" one that looked like a penis. Um... when I went to try it out, I couldn't get it in. Plus the vibration made my hand numb and it did nothing for my ladyparts.
4. Showerhead - I had heard showerheads were good. And when it hits the right spot, it feels nice. So this one time I gave it a go in shower. Yeah I somehow hurt my clit and it was sore for the rest of the day. Never trying that again. Or masturbating in general.

liking this

More great stuff. Went to mum's workplace on foot today. And back. I'm liking this!

stories from the past

So I've been watching YouTube videos a lot. Some fun people do storytime videos. I might just do that on my blog. Not videos but write down stories from the past. Right now I write about stuff that's happening currently but I've obviously had a life before I started this blog. Watch this space...

little breakthrgouh

Had a little breakthrgouh today. Went to the therapist's on foot. Also went to Prisma and Selver without a trolley.
Yeah, good times.

Yeah, that rhymed

I just ate. Man I feel great. Yeah, that rhymed. Had bean salad with frankfurters. And then a sweet roll. I'm as happy as a clam.

what's with the snow?

Like, I know it's winter and everything but what's with the snow? It was so good and snowless out for weeks and now it's been snowing all evening and it's all white out.

other shit

Shit, I feel so sleepy but won't fall asleep. There's nothing to do online. I wanna eat something but I'm over crisps, blue cheese and other shit. Ugh!

body of water

I just remembered that I live really close to this body of water and I never swim in it during summer. Like what!? Maybe it's cause I'd go there on a bike and I don't wanna leave it unattended when I swim.

Plus my teeth have been paining me. Rang a doctor, she said I must have caught a cold.

I'm really fucking evolving!

Shit! I discovered emojis. I texted my mother. She rang me back and asked if I was bored. I said no and that I was just eager to use my phone. Why don't I have a ton of people to text!?

Also my room is a mess, can't be arsed to clean it though.

Oh and I went to the shop today without a trolley. Like, the trolley has always helped me when in shop but yeah I went without one. I'm really fucking evolving!

Expect a fuckton of selfies now

So I've been evolving. I said I'd never get a smartphone but here I am. I wanted Nokia 515 but they didn't have it in the shop. So I asked for something with a good camera and below 10 euro a month after-payment. So I got LG Spirit 4GLTE. I spent about an hour at the shop, yay. Anxiety and shit you know. Then came home and had to go back cause I couldn't get my sims card in. But all is well now.
My camera broke and instead of a new camera I bought a phone. Expect a fuckton of selfies now...

TS05022016

gotta get my slutty on

Oh man! I'm in town!!!! First time this year and after the holidays.didn't wanna take on the long bike ride but I managed to do it pretty easily. And I already bought all sorts of comfort food. Oh wel...

Plus, Ilme told me not leave again for almost two months because she needs me. Like wtf!? I pay the rent anyway so I can be whereever I wanna be. Plus she doesn't want me to have any men coming over. When I find a job I'm so moving out anway. I gotta get my slutty on!

Fuck!

Ugh. Why are men like this? Like, I get it, you like sex. A lot. But just because you like it doesn't mean you're good at it. And I hate it that men think they're responsible for women's orgasms. No you're fucking not!!! You do not control my body. I control my body! If my body feels like cumming, it'll cum. If not, then no. You, a man, can do absolutely nothing to my body! No matter how much you like sex or how good you think you are.
Yeah and just because you saw it in porn or have fantasies about certain sexual act doesn't mean you're capable of doing this shit to real women.
Plus, the free thing really pisses me off. Like, wow, a man is willing to give me free sex!!! Like it's so hard to find for a woman. Again, just because you like free sex doesn't mean women are gonna run for it.
Fuck!

fire day

Ugh, if the weather is normal tomorrow it'll be fire day. Fire day as in we're gonna make fire in the woods and burn twigs. I just hate it so much. Mostly cause I, for some reason, always get anxiety during it.

Yeah and all the snow has thawed and I hope february will be a snowless month and that we're done with winter for this season. Okay, that didn't make sense. For this time*

Yeah and I've been off Mirtazapine for a couple of months now. Haven't felt worse so that's good. Also been on a smaller doze of Olansapine and I think I can feel that. I'll try to keep it smaller for a while though. If it gets worse I'll take higher doze again. Oh and I've lost weight 3, 4 kilos. Yay! At my mum's I weigh about 75 kg (the scale in town shows less).

Yeah and I have some laptop problems. I hope system recovery/restore will fix it. Think I have to do a massive movie marathon to get all my films watched before I lose them.

I'd eat the shit out of them

So I had to fry meat for the family today. Plus mum made a cauliflower and potato dish. I'm not hungry but knowing these things are downstairs waiting to be eaten is killing me! I wanna go down and eat them. Too bad it's almost 12:30 am. If I was in town I'd eat the shit out of them but can't do that here cause Id get a bollocking from mum.

Need a quick Spanish crash course

Damn, it's my last weekday at mum's and I've got hooked on this soap, La Gata. I don't have a TV in town but Ilme does but she watches another soap at the same time. And the reruns of La Gata are at 8 in the morning and I can't do that.
I'm currently in my own room and brother's TV is playing the soap and I'm trying so hard not to get interested. I found a place for the show on internet but it's all in Spanish. Need a quick Spanish crash course.

Plus, this guy in Tartu is still interested in seeing me. So yay!

*jams to Lost In Reality*

What a crappy day on the internet. One of my fave blogs on Tumblr blocked me again. And just as I need to update my sims blog, Photobucket is down for maintenance.

*jams to Lost In Reality by 5sos*

La la la

*in Babe's voice*: La la la

Shit this thing is stuck in my head!

full blown winter

So it's full blown winter out. Ugh! I cannot ride my bike in this snow and cold! Okay, it's not that cold anymore but it's fucking snowy.
Yesterday was a good day though. Went to the shop with Nupi again. Looks like dogs are good for some things.

Man, I like it!

Went to the dentist again. Man, I like it! It feels so good to know some part of your body is being fixed. I can't go again though cause I don't have the money. I have two tiny cavities and one big one. Ahh, I really need to find a job cause I wanna go to the dentist again. And buy a new laptop, although it'll be so difficult to say goodbye to my current/old one.

no fucking idea what was wrong with me

Oh god. Last night was horrible. I kept waking up with this weird over-sensitivity sensation in my head and skin. I had no fucking idea what was wrong with me. I took Valium cause I didn't know what else to take. I had no fever eventhough it felt like it. Then during the day I was mostly in bed, sleeping. In the evening I took a painkiller and it made me feel a little better. Now it's time to take an antipsychotic pill. I thought it was the thing that made me feel all weird. I dunno... we'll see after I take it if it makes me feel bad again.

*shivers*

So we've had snow and cold for about a week now. Shit, I hate it! I'm still at my mum's. And I have to make fire every day to keep warm. *shivers*
Yeah and yesterday I went to the dentist. Got one tooth pulled out. I got a bit of anxiety, not because I'm scared of the dentist but cause I have the anxiety disorder.
Alright so... I'm off to add some firewood...

fat face

Okay, I wanna cut my hair short. Why do I have such a fat face? A short haircut just wouldn't look good on me right now. Plus I wouldn't be able to sit in the hairdressers' chair cause of my anxiety. And I don't have the money either. lol
Good thing I guess is I've lost a few kilos.

TS06012016

Bring on the floods already!

PMS is so annoying! Bring on the floods already!

December 31st

Shit. December 31st was the best day! First, I went to the shop at my mother's place. All by myself. Well, I took our dog Nupi with me and she helped me so much. I couldn't have done it without her cause my attention was focused on her wellbeing what with walking along the motorway and calming her and leaving her outside the shop and worrying how she would react. When I got out of the shop she sat so cutely there, waiting. Super!
Then we had a lovely celebratory dinner with the fam, even my brother made an appearance (cause the mother told him to, but still). Yeah and then Lembit's friend came over and we had his and Lembit's fireworks and everything. Was nice. I'm entirely happy with the day.

I hope 2016 continues with my improving health.