Think somebody had a baby. No?

Whoop! Got Sims 3 working on my laptop!
With Ambitions and all.
So that's a really positive thing about today.

The bad thing is I'm late for my periods.
I'm definitely not pregnant, but I don't understand what the hold up is.
Normally August is the month when everything womanly in me gets messed up, but in a way that I have two periods a month.
Now I don't have any at all.

Just got home from working in garden.
I'm so unfit it's unreal.
I only harvested beetroot and I'm so tired.
Legs are shaky and back is sore.

Ooh, ooh and it's the first of September tomorrow.
I'm getting a bit nervous about school and all.
Hope all goes well.

Yeah I'm off to play the Sims now.
Have to read my own sims blog to follow up.
Think somebody had a baby.  No?

Papa don't preach!

Gah.

Last night my father started preaching. Or whatever you call it.

I swear, he talks to me like I'm 15 or something.

I told him I wasn't listening to him and that I was busy on my laptop.

Then he was like, "Oh, do you want me to take it away from you to make you listen?!"

Like, what the fuck?

I'm nearly twenty-fucking-five!!!

I swear!!!

And the preaching started cause I had one dirty plate on the table.

Like, me and my stepmum are the only ones washing the dishes so...

I don't leave my dirty stuff lying around, I was just busy on my new laptop to wash the damn plate straight away.

And then my father started saying how I live my life all wrong and that things start to go wrong when I do small things like leaving dirty dishes behind, like when I do small things wrong.

I mean like what the fuck?

And I was like, "I'm not gonna jump and run around just as soon as you tell me to do stuff".
Then he was like, "No, you're gonna do stuff when I tell you do to stuff."

I swear!!!

I told him to get over the plate and think of what he's saying.

I'm never gonna listen to someone who thinks they're word is the word.

And there is no way I'm listening to a preaching parent at twenty five.

God damn, I swear!

Oh and when he said I live my life wrong I was like just because I don't live my life his way doesn't mean I'm living my life wrong. And then he said something something, blah blah blah. I just blanked it. (Was busy on my laptop, as I said)

He's so darn bossy it's unreal.

I've never lived with a man like that.

I've never had to follow a man's orders so... it's gonna be difficult.

Oh and like I said me and my stepmum are the only ones doing the dishes.

My stepmum cleans the house and is totally taken for granted.

If this is my father's way of living life the right way, then the more reasons I have not to listen to him.

And, damn, next time I won't wash his darn plate.

Wash it yourself, papa.

Live life the right way, when the small things need to be done the right way.

Clean the damn plate and house!

Gah, unreal, like!

Plus, he came into my room and he got cold cause the window was open.

He closed it and said I will get cold.

I mean like, if I get cold I will close the window.

I had just opened it cause I wanted fresh air.

And,  then bam! when he is cold everyone in the damn apartment is cold.

teens and the even smaller ones

So, had a bit of drama today again.

I just hate travelling.

Anyways, got my early birthday present - a laptop.

Was ten grand.

Just have to get internet on it now.

I'm quite sure I can play Sims on it so... woohoo!

Was in garden.

Gathered some potatoes and cleaned onions.

Had to come home early cause started feeling a bit poorly.

Feel like I'm coming down with a cold.

Oh and I'm going off of one of my antidepressants.

Have to take only half the dosage.

Oh and in addition to biology and math exam, I'm also taking geography one.

Yeah...so.. this is my last week "off".

Will be going to school like the teens and the even smaller ones.

Riding a bike is fun and healthy

I rode a bike the other day.

Hadn't done it in years.

And now I think everybody should use bikes instead of cars, buses and trains.

Riding a bike is fun and healthy.

On monday and tuesday though I'm gonna have to travel by car.

Really not looking forward to that.

Oh and dunno if I mentioned it but my mother visited me the other day.

She gave me 5 grand for a computer.

Said it's her birthday gift to me.

A bit early.

She said she'll come visit me on my birthday, but is giving me the present now.

So when I have to travel on monday and tuesday I'll have a look at computers aswell.

Today looks nice for a change.

Not grim and rainy.

Might go down to the garden again.

School business sorted

Yesterday was a great day.

Spent most of it creating a new look for my forum.

I was getting really into it.

Even asked my stepmom how it looked and if I should change anything.

I'm just really excited about it.

Want to finish it and put it out there for the girls.

And I got my school business sorted.

I will be attending this normal school.

Like, I will go to a few classes with this 12th year.

I dunno, maybe I'm doing it all very wrong but I decided to take an exam in maths.

So, I will join the 12th year in maths class.

And in biology.

These two are quite certain at the minute.

I hope I don't feel to out of place.

I mean, I'm like 24 and the others are like 17 - 19. 

Thank god I look so young. About 18. Max. :D

Other than that I will be busy with my forum and gardening.

There's quite a bit left to do with the forum and lots of weeding in the garden.

HTML breakthrough

Phew! I had a breakthrough.

Finally.

I had been looking for a working HTML or CSS code for a drop down menu and I found one.

But I officially hate everything to do with codes and coding.

If I had known it's so much trouble I never would have started a forum.

Oh and I created an MSN account for my brother A.

He had this girl over and she was like, "Right, I'll go home so we can talk on MSN"

Young people these days!

Yeah, was quite a nice day

Went mushrooming today. With my Dad.

We only got three mushrooms.

Dad said it must be too early to mushroom so we might go again after a couple of weeks.

Was nice walking in the forest though.

When I got out the car I was like, "Yep, smells like mushrooms!"

Too bad there weren't any.

Then we came back.

I mean we drove back.

I guess all this going to places business is for me to get used to travelling again.

Anyways, when we got back we went to work in the garden.

I was still working on my cherry tree bed and Dad was uprooting a stump.

Later we had a BBQ.

It was my idea cause I haven't had a proper barbecue since... I dunno when.

Yeah, was quite a nice day.

Hmm, oh and the whole family was home today so that was nice aswell.

Oh and last night my brother A got into a fight-sort-of-thing and this stupid old hag started mouthing off to my brother being all racist and shit.

I totally felt like going and straightening out that dumb bitch.

My brother had solved the whole thing though - he had told the old lady where to go.

Go brother!

Ooh and apparently this guy was looking at me today.

My Dad saw him looking at me, I didn't.

And there might be a chance that I went to the kindergarten with the guy.

I dunno.

Maybe I'll get to know him one day.

Actually I'd love to know anyone around my age.

I don't even know where all the young people hang out here.

I've seen a few younger ones but they're like... sitting there... outside their cars with music blasting out their rides. I dunno... maybe that's just what young people do and I'm too... old-behaving.

I don't really know anyone at all in this town.

Not yet anyway.

Even my stepmother told me that I need a friend.

Hmm, I know a girl's e mail address. Maybe I should get talking to her.

Placebo

So today was a bit of a weird day.

Wasn't so cool about travelling.

Still freaked out a bit but it's okay cause I got lots of stuff done.

I'm officially unemployed now.

And I opened a bank account.

Don't these two things go together so damn well!?

And I wasted my dad's money.

Got a few new things.

Jeans:

Ma father kept saying that they're too tight, but meh... I know they're tight enough to make my bubble butt look flat but I still like them.

Runners:

I love the beige/brown colour and the woolly texture.

Shoes:

They're kinda weird. I normally don't like anything with a heel unless it's a stiletto, but I love these. They're super comfy. I wish the colour was more brownish or greenish or khaki.

Oh and while I'm all excited about new clothes, I went to the flea market with my stepmum and we got a few things there aswell.

These corduroy trousers:

They are dark brown.

And I also got this corduroy jacket:

It's kind of greenish.

I put the two cords together. I'm not gonna wear the black shirt with them cause it just doesn't look right.

Some of my clothes are still somehwere I dunno where in Estonia.

I sent a suitcase of my clothes with people who drove to the country and I haven't heard from them ever since.

I told my mum to ring them yesterday but dunno whether she did or not.

Yeahh... got a few more things but I'm most happy about them few.

Oh and I saw the psychologist today.

Was interesting.

Found out that I was a victim of placebo.

That means that when I was feeling nauseous and asked for pills for relief they gave me ""pills for nausea relief".

As far as I know I was just given some random pills that had nothing to do with relieving nausea.

I m definitely not happy about such thing and when they thought they were getting me then in reality I got them. I knew doctors were a scam.

an exam in Math

Did a little pedicure.

Haven't panited my nails in ages so looks crap.

Will have to travel tomorrow.

Ugh.

Hopefully I won't freak out.

Seeing the psychologist and hopefully get a few other things done.

That's about it.

Nothing else has been going on.

Oh I might not take an exam in Math next year cause I realised I've forgotten everything and it looks too hard to learn.

A Mcfly post

Home alone today.

Hm, might actually watch the film later on.

Was working in the garden for a bit.

Weeding the cherry tree bed.

Came home for 19:45 to see America's Next Top Model.

Then the damn TV wouldn't show the channel.

Ugh.

Rang the local school today and asked for grinds.

Had to leave my name and contact details and the headmaster or someone like that will get back to me.

Hopefully next week. Don't wanna leave it til too late.

Been googling a lot.

Mostly Kevin, but some Mcfly too.

This is what I found:

Credit goes to whoever uploaded the pics. I found them while googling.

Ermm....woah, racy!

Men are so damn selfish though.

Why do photos like that for gay men and not for women?!

I'm well surprised by Tom's body though. How muscly!?

And I don't understand all this whining about Mcfly's new sound.

Party Girl is a totally cool song.

That's a really noticeable progress.

God, they cannot be stuck in Wonderland for the rest of their career.

This new song is one of the few songs I've actually listened to and really liked.

Before I was just interested in the band cause I thought Danny was hot.

Oh dear.

I didn't mean to make this a Mcfly post but that's how it came out I guess.

My point is that the song is very good and I might actually buy the new album.

A little about air

• There's 15 tons of air weighing each of us down. We can't feel it cause of the pressure inside of our bodies.

• A human inhales about 11000 litres of air in 24 hour's time.

• Air consists of 78,1 % nitrogen, 20, 9 % oxygen, 0,9 % argon, carbon dioxide, hydrogen, helium, neon, krypton and other gases.

• In one year's time, 577 billion tons of water passes through the atmosphere.

• The massive energy of a hurricane or a typhoon is equivalent to the energy that is released in (estimately) 500 000 atomic explosions.

Taken from the book Maakera loodusjõudude kütkes by A. Muranov

being dependant

So, all of my plans are messed up cause of my health.
All I know is that I will be retaking my final exams in spring.
I will be contacting the local school to see if I can start seeing some of the teachers.
I'm thinking of taking an exam in maths.
I really need to start working on it now to understand it cause I hardly passed it in my school days.

I might look for a part time job.
Just to get me out of the house and socialise.

And I'm thinking of joining badminton practice.

Will see how all that goes.

I just feel a bit bad being dependant on my parents.

Will be gathering beetroot, carrots and potatoes soon.

No that many news.

I still like a bit of gardening.

Went to gather onions yesterday.

Loved it.

Will be gathering beetroot, carrots and potatoes soon.

I don't know what it is, but people never plant enough peas.

I love peas.

My stepmom said she planted loads but the seeds must have been bad cause nothing really grew out of them.

Had the few peas that were there and then ate beans.

Almost the same.

The parents are working today so I might go down to the garden by myself.

There's this little cherry tree bed that needs weeding.

Will have to wait til the evening, it's way too hot today.

Speaking of hot, texted the "bf" and he's kind of distant.

Maybe cause he's so into his holiday in Portugal or maybe he's up to something else. Or someone else.

Dunno.

Hmm, what else?

Oh right, I bought my medicine yesterday and it was expensive.

It was near 700 moneys.

Cipralex and Esprital.

The second one has mirtazapinum as the active ingridient and it's the same one I started taking in Ireland.

They put me back on that cause it increases apetite and makes me sleepy in the evening so I get a good sleep.

Yeah, that's about it.

Oh oh, I've taken quite a few pics with my phone but don't have the USB cord.

Once I get that I'll upload some pics, some are quite cool.

I'm home

I'm home.

The car ride was a bit emotional and scary but we didn't have to stop once.

I just kept begging my body in my head not to freak out and do me wrong.

Not feeling too bad at the minute.

Quite happy.

Just hoping that the horrible never-ending anxiety won't come back.

Also, I'm hoping that I can eat normally again and gain some weight.

Right, off to eat with my dad.

Then watch America's Next Top Model.

I'm so damn girly!

Estonian TV is just crap.

Well, I found out that this TV show/film I was talking about in my earlier post wasn't Skins.

Doesn't matter though.

The film was quite good and more importantly, the guy is still hot.

Nicholas Hoult.

The guy in blue

Yeah, me fancying him shows I'm still okay.

Still interested in the old woohoo.

Just don't want a relationship.

All is good. No worries.

I must say though that it was so funny when he said, "Shut up".

It just doesn't sound imperative or anything to be taken seriously.

The accent is just too funny.

Yeah so I will get out of the hospital tomorrow.

And I will stay with my father.

Bought this film called Tornado.

I think it's quite bad but as long as there's disaster I'm happy.

Will watch it once I get back home.

I've been watching TV quite a bit lately.

The last three evenings.

Saw America's Next Top Model.

I like the photoshoots, they're so colourful and creative.

I don't support anyone on the show.

Another show I've been watching is Relic Hunter.

It's so bad! It's so cheesy and crappy. I'm still watching it though. I dunno why.

It's better than all the Venezuelan and German soaps.

Estonian TV is just crap.

They're showing Top Gear episodes from the year 2004. =/

Yeah... I'm just looking forward to getting home and settling in.

Will be spending quite a few hours on the net and watching films.

Get out

Well, well... I might get out of the hospital this week or the start of next week.
Hopefully I manage to stay calm and don't have to come back again.
Think I'll be staying with my fatherand visit my mother some other time.
Well, once I get out I'm gonna start working on my sims game. I have a story to continue after all.
I love me some Michael!

All sims

Okay, I'm really hoping for a new computer.

I tried installing Sims 3 on my brother's computer but there were some errors.

Was told that the computer was too old, but I don't believe it.

Okay so... then there's my mother's computer and my other brother's laptop.

I hope I can install the game on one of them.

Just texted my mother to bring the laptop with her when she comes to visit me this week.

Once I have it, will text my father or stepmom to bring the Sims discs.

If it all fails I'll buy my own computer.

But I'll get to do that only when I get my some sort of a benefit money.

Talked to the psychologist and she said she'll try to get illness or disability benefit for me.

I really want my game to finally work cause I haven't had the chance to play Ambitions and there's a new EP coming out already!

Late Night EP

Amen!

Was looking for a sports shop yesterday.

For protein drinks.

I've lost a bit of weight.

I'm about 51 kilos now. My big arse and belly are gone.

Sad face - boo!

Asked for directions from 2 girls.

Talked to them for a bit.

Gave them the address of my forum.

I've given it to quite a few people.

Gotta advertise.

Felt kind of sick all day but didn't get the anxiety in the evening.

Watched TV, maybe that's why.

Saw an episode of Skins, I believe.

It was mostly about this guy called David/Tony.

He was kind of handsome.

Miserable though.

Felt like giving him a hug. Or pity ride.

Well... in reality the pity business would happen the other way round.

And then he went all bastard and tried to kill his brother.

Arse!

Made me feel a lot warmer about my own brother.

Also made me feel like watching the show from the beginning.

Maybe it'll be the new That 70s Show for me.

Change of subject.

Arno rang me two times yesterday.

Didn't answer.

Felt like there's something I don't like and want coming from him.

Like, a lot of "we" business.

Then there's this guy from the new hospital who's... not the nicest.

He's like, "I'm the toughest and biggest" whereas he acts and talks like a 10 year old.

Not for me. At all.

As for Tuljo, he gets out today.

Asked for his number and mail address.

He's not all there, but he's quite interesting.

He said it's not that interesting talking to yourself cause you already know the answers to the questions you're going to ask yourself.

He's always talking and singing to himself.

And as I'm typing this there's some sort of a mass going on in the room.

A lot of talk about Jesus.

They're eating them little biscuits/breads and blessing themselves. 

Amen!

I want Labyrinth and I want it with my brother!

Ahh... the weekend's over.

I can be on internet again.

Googling Kevin McSex.

Weekend was nice enough though.

Went swimming.

With Arno.

He's kind of annoying me though.

He's always like "when you will be mine then we'll do this" and "when you will trust me more" and "when we know each other better".

Ughhhh.

I really don't want a relationship right now.

Or any romantic/flirty male attention.

I wanted to buy a board game to play with my brother.

Arno butted in again with "we". Like, how we can play Dominoes at his place.

I don't want freaking Dominoes and I don't wanna play at his freaking place!!

I want Labyrinth and I want it with my brother!!!

And I decided to call my dad's wife IR my stepmom.

It's just better that way.

Oh and as far as men go, I'm interested in Tuljo.

Not as a man but just cause he's a really free spirit and I want to know about his journeys when he gets out.

He plans to go to England with no money so... I wanna know everything.

The bad barefooted

Nothing much has happened.

Getting a bit healthier I guess.

Eating's not as big of a problem as it was.

Just get really anxious in the evenings.

Taking two tablets - an antidepressant in the morning and a tranquilliser-type-of-pill in the evening.

Had water therapy again.

Was great.

Maybe I'll get to swim again tomorrow.

In a lake, like.

The weather's supposed to be really hot so... I'll stroll away from the hospital for a bit.

Think I'll be meeting the 40 year old Arno I've mentioned before today.

He rang me and wanted to meet.

I won't be taking part in any romantic activities, just going to spend some time with a person.

Oh and I've been walking around barefoot.

Everyone's always commenting on it.

They're mostly kind of like... giving out.

Weirdos.

Oh and as I'm typing this the radio is playing Ellie Goulding's Starry Eyed.

Yay! Go Estonian radio!
"Let's joing forces, we've got our guns and horses... la dee dah"

just had water therapy and it was great

Had a bit of a walk yesterday.

Just around the outskirts of the town.

Made me want to go to town, but I had hospital clothes on.

Planned to go this morning so.

Was raining. And I only have my own little dress and bikinis to wear under it.

And I met this guy. Yet another one.

I'll call him V.

He's kind of after me, but there's no way, again, that I'm interested in him.

I'm in the hospital for myself not for anyone's entertainment.

Anyway, I had the walk with him and we planned to go swimming today.

But as I said it was raining in the morning so no swimming.

For him.

I just had water therapy and it was great.

Want to go every day now.

Met this girl Merilin. Dunno how to spell her name, but she was nice.

Oh and I've been walking around in these PJs that are like 4 sizes too big.

I look like some sort of a pilgrim.

Carrying around the phobia and anxiety book, looking like I'm carrying a bible.

I swear.

The therapy gave me enough courage to use the elevator.

I've done it twice today.

Before I just used stairs.

And if I haven't mentioned it before I'm staying on the 8th floor.

I got so scared yesterday cause it's way too high for me.

Seeing the psychologist today, in about half an hour.

Will see what to do about my anxiety.

It's so bad. :(

Heart and kisses from the brother

Well well...

I'm in the new hospital now.

Dunno how I feel about it just yet.

I received a new e mail from my brother:

ma niidan muru ja   kastan ja rohin peenraid ja raamatuid noh  eriti mitte sest muud tegemised aga me saame ujuma kindlasti minna  noh ma mõtlen seda  aurat seal hea ujuda                tsau musi  

I was a bit aww at first cause of the heart and kisses.

I hope he knows he's still talking to his sister.

I like receiving these kinds of e mails anyway. Very nice of him.

Oh and another thing: I've been told quite a few times by quite a few people that I speak Estonian with an accent. Or that the order of the words is odd.

Well, my English has become very bad and I cannot speak Estonian properly so... "I'm a man without a country" as Eric Forman said.

Baby brotherly support

tere jah mul on hästi niisama laisklen kui terveks saad tule siia  
kõik ootavad sind  ja ma lähen varsti kooli  kui saad arvutisse kunagi 
ja ära karda oksendamist see ei ole nii hull kui paistab siis lähme randa kui sealt välja saad. 

This is a little e mail my baby brother sent me.

I like the last sentence where he tells me that getting sick isn't as bad as it looks.

I just get a really weird feeling when people who are younger than me support me.

The thought behind the mail makes the lack of punctuation irrelevant.

Oh and I forgot to mention that the new hospital I'm transferred to, my father's wife works as a nurse there. That's a bonus! I just hope I don't have to freak out there and cause a lot of drama so that I embarrass her.

You can stay sane just fine

Third post today.

Worth it.

Hopefully.

Will be transferred to a regular hospital.

The doctors at the madhouse thought I was too healthy to be here.

Said that the really mad people might make me even more depressed than I am.

In all honesty though, I find them a bit funny.

And it's not in a rude way.

There are people who are really rude to the mad ones, but I just giggle a bit when they sing or talk rubbish.

And sometimes I get a bit embarrassed for this one old lady cause she curses so much.

She's always talking about "fucking" and how she is a virgin.

Then she's pregnant with two acorns.

Then she calls everyone her daughters and sons - her acorns.

And she's always saluting.

It'd be really boring without her here.

Her name's Sirje.

Then there's this guy called Petrov.

He's always going on about space.

He's thinking of how to get to travel around the Earth.

It doesn't really phase him that he doesn't own billions to do it.

He really believes that in 5 years time he'll be in space.

He knows his education is poor and that he's a bit mad but he justifies it all with Gagarin or somebody like that being mad too. You know like "there's a fine line between mad and genius".

Then there is The Frenchman - Tuljo.

Everybody calls him The Frenchman.

He's been quiet lately.

He's good friends with Petrov.

Petrov doesn't really go out much so Tuljo stays in too.

But he was quite the entertainer when he sang.

It doesn't feel too bad being stuck with them in the same ward.

And I always used to be scared of losing my mind or the mentally challenged, but it's not that scary at all.

You can stay sane just fine.

there's food that makes his dick grow

Oh and this guy who wanted to get jiggy, he peeked down my shirt and saw my little tits.

And that's what started off the horny comments.

Anyway, he said good things only.

The gypsy guy though, he started telling me how  I look like a 14 year old, then like a 12 year old.

Said the bottom part of my body was fine, but the top part... the boobs are too small.

He even said there's some special food that makes your boobs grow.

Oh dear... I'd never tell a guy there's food that makes his dick grow.

I don't really care what he thinks of my tits, but thought I'd mention it here.

I'm very happy being a B cup! :)

drive to the end of society

I've been playing cards a lot.

Mostly cause there's nothing else to do.

Been playing with this one guy.

I mean we've been just playing cards and he's like, "let's go and get jiggy in a bush and lets hold hands and kiss".

No. No without thanks.

The guy's okay and all, but just... no.

I got my "bf" to ring me cause all the men here creep me out.

Calmed down a bit after talking to him.

There's this new patient here.

He's a gypsy.

And he's the really in your face type of person.

Literally.

Dunno what to make of him.

Other than that, I've been able to eat quite a bit, but still get nervous around meal times.

I might get out next Monday so.

Won't get my hopes up just yet, but it's a nice thought.

Oh and I liked this one sentence this one crazy guy said.

He said we'll get into a jeep and drive to the end of society.

I don't think he really understood what he said, but a few thoughts sprung in my head.

I kind of got confused.

Is humanity  a  learned behaviour or a primitive one? 

TE01082010