Wow. So I was just made sure of my hate towards dogs.
Seriously... I went on this dog forum and the people are such smartasses it's unreal. It's even worse than the girls on my forum. They're like Jehova's witnesses, like "If you don't like dogs, we're gonna tar'n'feather you". Okay, I'm the one who went there but still. And one of the mods was like super snarky about someone's comment on wanting to delete their user cause other had been bitches to them. Yeah, so the mod was a snarky biotch and the regular members' comments were snarky aswell.
Jaysas, dog people!
I went there to findout why Donna rolls around on dead animals and I get such lectures of how a person like me is not suppose to have a dog and they were all so fucking eager to take her away from me. Sorry, bitches, Donna stays with me, not-a-dog-person who has brains and will never be with one of you crazy smartass dog people.
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Friday, July 29, 2011
it's pretty much everything I believe in, it's pretty much everything I do not do
So I've been bored out of my mind lately.
There is nothing to do in the garden, the lawn is mowed and it's too hot out to bike to Tartu.
Ughghh, I can't be arsed to be on the net or play the sims.
Been reading a few books and I got an idea.
Well... I've had the idea ever since I was like 17.
I thought I'd become religious. I'll try it out, maybe it turns out okay. It's gonna be super hard cause... well since it's pretty much everything I believe in, it's pretty much everything I do not do.
I will have to educate myself some more before I'll properly call myself religious. I told my mother about it yesterday and she rolled her eyes and said in a warning tone "You're not gonna be a crazy Jehova's witness now are you?".
Well, no. Nothing to do with Christianity since all that is mindless fairytale and false morals, plus denying anything natural and humane.
I'm more into something that is based on facts and science. And since I've read secondary school chemistry books and they state very obviously that energy makes the littlest electrons "vibrate" then that's what I believe in. And I've heard from my dotctor that my anxiety is caused by the disorder of electrical connection between nerve cells in my brain...so that's also energy. I will be properly learning about working with energy.
Plus, the religion highly worships goddesses, hence I changed my blog's name.
Yeah... what got me writing today is the fact that there was an article about abortion. I will for ever and ever disapprove of abortion. And it appalls me that people say the growing baby is just a piece of mindless tissue and it's no big deal removing it. Wow, I can't even!
Yeah and they always start accusing you, a pro lifer, of supporting rape. Um... well, if a woman can do whatever the fuck she wants with her body then why can't a man? He decides to pleasure his body and hurt the woman, when a woman decides to live a carefree life and kill her baby. Totally the same thing and they are so blind they don't see it. And while I'm at it, I'd like to mention that I wouldn't call a female who supports abortion a woman cause... she simply isn't one. A woman would be ready to kill anyone who is a threat to her child's life, not be ready to kill her baby to live an irresponsible life herself.
While I support anything womanly I do not accept the state of mind that women are above nature. Yes, they are above men, but not nature.
Pregnancy just is a way people come to be and removing such a living thing at any state is murder. End of.
Yeah, I said a few words there... where the article is but I just cannot be around this stupidity and evil. I mean, I didn't even get mad or anything, I just left when the killers started acting like broken records. It's so lame and sadof them to say stuff like, "I am woman, no one can tell me what to do with my body". God, how immature!? When you are pregnant your body is not your body, it's a living space for a new life. And fine if you wanna be the only one in your body, okay. But when you decide to kill a growing human being, you are a murderer. It's a simple, true fact.
In any other condition it would be okay to consider only the woman but pregnancy is not the woman's health condition, she is sharing her body with someone else and if you cannot accept it, you're not a woman.
There is nothing to do in the garden, the lawn is mowed and it's too hot out to bike to Tartu.
Ughghh, I can't be arsed to be on the net or play the sims.
Been reading a few books and I got an idea.
Well... I've had the idea ever since I was like 17.
I thought I'd become religious. I'll try it out, maybe it turns out okay. It's gonna be super hard cause... well since it's pretty much everything I believe in, it's pretty much everything I do not do.
I will have to educate myself some more before I'll properly call myself religious. I told my mother about it yesterday and she rolled her eyes and said in a warning tone "You're not gonna be a crazy Jehova's witness now are you?".
Well, no. Nothing to do with Christianity since all that is mindless fairytale and false morals, plus denying anything natural and humane.
I'm more into something that is based on facts and science. And since I've read secondary school chemistry books and they state very obviously that energy makes the littlest electrons "vibrate" then that's what I believe in. And I've heard from my dotctor that my anxiety is caused by the disorder of electrical connection between nerve cells in my brain...so that's also energy. I will be properly learning about working with energy.
Plus, the religion highly worships goddesses, hence I changed my blog's name.
Yeah... what got me writing today is the fact that there was an article about abortion. I will for ever and ever disapprove of abortion. And it appalls me that people say the growing baby is just a piece of mindless tissue and it's no big deal removing it. Wow, I can't even!
Yeah and they always start accusing you, a pro lifer, of supporting rape. Um... well, if a woman can do whatever the fuck she wants with her body then why can't a man? He decides to pleasure his body and hurt the woman, when a woman decides to live a carefree life and kill her baby. Totally the same thing and they are so blind they don't see it. And while I'm at it, I'd like to mention that I wouldn't call a female who supports abortion a woman cause... she simply isn't one. A woman would be ready to kill anyone who is a threat to her child's life, not be ready to kill her baby to live an irresponsible life herself.
While I support anything womanly I do not accept the state of mind that women are above nature. Yes, they are above men, but not nature.
Pregnancy just is a way people come to be and removing such a living thing at any state is murder. End of.
Yeah, I said a few words there... where the article is but I just cannot be around this stupidity and evil. I mean, I didn't even get mad or anything, I just left when the killers started acting like broken records. It's so lame and sadof them to say stuff like, "I am woman, no one can tell me what to do with my body". God, how immature!? When you are pregnant your body is not your body, it's a living space for a new life. And fine if you wanna be the only one in your body, okay. But when you decide to kill a growing human being, you are a murderer. It's a simple, true fact.
In any other condition it would be okay to consider only the woman but pregnancy is not the woman's health condition, she is sharing her body with someone else and if you cannot accept it, you're not a woman.
TS28/07/2011
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
fingers crossed now!
Ahhhh...so the college test was today. Good thing is, I didn't get anxiety and could talk. I'm not sure they were particulary impressed with stuff but I did my best and stayed true to myself.
3rd of August is the day they announce who gets in and who doesn't. Uhh, fingers crossed now!
3rd of August is the day they announce who gets in and who doesn't. Uhh, fingers crossed now!
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
foot is swollen
Gah. So now my foot is swollen. Luckily the pain isn't as bad.
Oh man, I have to get to Tartu tomorrow for the interview for the college.
Oh man, I have to get to Tartu tomorrow for the interview for the college.
Monday, July 25, 2011
I CANNOT have an anxiety attack now!
Wahh! I have the college test on Wednesday. I have no idea how I'm gonna get to Tartu cause I hurt my foot really bad. Oh god..........I CANNOT have an anxiety attack now! I have to get in cause if I do I will be 29 when I graduate. I cannot be older, over 30 like.
Ah, I spoke to soon
Ah, I spoke too soon. My foot is actually really bad. It woke me up at 5 in the morning.
I crawled and limped downstairs to ask my mother for an elastic band and some gel. Ugh, think I have to take a painkiller aswell cause it won't let me sleep. I so hope I haven't cracked my bone, that it's just an injury.
I crawled and limped downstairs to ask my mother for an elastic band and some gel. Ugh, think I have to take a painkiller aswell cause it won't let me sleep. I so hope I haven't cracked my bone, that it's just an injury.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Shoot lasers from my eyes
Yeah, I think my footis sort of fine.
Was surfing the net..saw this:
Ahahahahaaaaa
Was surfing the net..saw this:
Ahahahahaaaaa
this summer is so unfortunate
Oh god, this summer is so unfortunate for me legs.
And I hope I didn't break a bone in my foot right now.
My foot is really really sore.
And I hope I didn't break a bone in my foot right now.
My foot is really really sore.
Ahhhh.....it feels so good to be a woman.... Puts a smile on my face!
So today has been the day I'm made even more sure about my beliefs.
I was so appalled with my mother when she said men are smarter than women. Oh god, I can't even pretend like I didn't hear it. Her argument was that men can build houses but also do the dishes. Er.... right. I'm sure men are born with the natural ability and skill to build enormous houses with crazy ass layouts and wiring and shit and women's only skill is scraping a couple of crumbs off of a little platter she made out of play dough (which was so cleverly chemically put together by genius men and made into a shape of a ball so the little minded of the species could just flatten the thing between her hands to make a plate).
Okay, my mother has done and said everything I don't believe in and she totally defies anything womanly on this planet.
She also made out that having depression and anxiety means the person is stupid, not sick. Or basically anyone who ever has any diseases/illnesses/disorders is stupid. Well, all of the odds are against her anyway. I think it's gotta say something that her only two children have emotional and mental problems. My disorders are something that developed in my childhood, plus my brother is only 11 and has been to the madhouse already and has taken pills (which by my mother's words is my fault, all of it).
The only thing men have more than women is testosterone and therefor aggression which has made men "successful". Isn't there like a saying or such "It doesn't matter where to, how far or when you get to the place, it's how you get there"? And men's only way is violence. And my mother calls it clever?!
Yeah and then my mother's man piped in, but he's a man so I can't even remember what he said, it all sounded like mindless blabber and gibberish to me.
Oh and a while ago when the family friend was over, the subject came up again and he and my mother's man said "women brought evil into the world". And I said "Yes, they gave birth to a man". And then my mother's man started going on about the egg and the chicken theory to own me but no man can ever own me. I believe that almost everything else in the world (excluding men and women then) cannot be separated from each other. Like, how everything came to be. I don't believe there was male and female. It could have been one thing that developed and evolved or a lot more things mashed up together, like a coincidence.
And my opinion is correct cause I feel it and believe it which makes everyone else's opinion invalid to me.
Ugh, I cannot wait to see my doctor and tell her all about it. Oh and my mother is always going on about how not to tell the doctor about our family life. Erm, why not?! Don't fucking do shit that you don't believe in and are embarrassed about them later on. Plus, I will not bring it up or throw it in mymother's face but I know how she truly feels. A while ago her and her man had an argument (my mother had drank a bit and everything came out). She said she doesn't regret anything and everything came out that she had bottled up for... a long time. I was inside, upstairs and they were out, I had my window open and I could hear every word she said. And she said I had been and am right about men and other stuff aswell. Bitch, I know I am right. I'm woman. And since my mother defies everything womanly, she is in the wrong, like all men.
Ahhhh.....it feels so good to be a woman.... Puts a smile on my face!
I was so appalled with my mother when she said men are smarter than women. Oh god, I can't even pretend like I didn't hear it. Her argument was that men can build houses but also do the dishes. Er.... right. I'm sure men are born with the natural ability and skill to build enormous houses with crazy ass layouts and wiring and shit and women's only skill is scraping a couple of crumbs off of a little platter she made out of play dough (which was so cleverly chemically put together by genius men and made into a shape of a ball so the little minded of the species could just flatten the thing between her hands to make a plate).
Okay, my mother has done and said everything I don't believe in and she totally defies anything womanly on this planet.
She also made out that having depression and anxiety means the person is stupid, not sick. Or basically anyone who ever has any diseases/illnesses/disorders is stupid. Well, all of the odds are against her anyway. I think it's gotta say something that her only two children have emotional and mental problems. My disorders are something that developed in my childhood, plus my brother is only 11 and has been to the madhouse already and has taken pills (which by my mother's words is my fault, all of it).
The only thing men have more than women is testosterone and therefor aggression which has made men "successful". Isn't there like a saying or such "It doesn't matter where to, how far or when you get to the place, it's how you get there"? And men's only way is violence. And my mother calls it clever?!
Yeah and then my mother's man piped in, but he's a man so I can't even remember what he said, it all sounded like mindless blabber and gibberish to me.
Oh and a while ago when the family friend was over, the subject came up again and he and my mother's man said "women brought evil into the world". And I said "Yes, they gave birth to a man". And then my mother's man started going on about the egg and the chicken theory to own me but no man can ever own me. I believe that almost everything else in the world (excluding men and women then) cannot be separated from each other. Like, how everything came to be. I don't believe there was male and female. It could have been one thing that developed and evolved or a lot more things mashed up together, like a coincidence.
And my opinion is correct cause I feel it and believe it which makes everyone else's opinion invalid to me.
Ugh, I cannot wait to see my doctor and tell her all about it. Oh and my mother is always going on about how not to tell the doctor about our family life. Erm, why not?! Don't fucking do shit that you don't believe in and are embarrassed about them later on. Plus, I will not bring it up or throw it in mymother's face but I know how she truly feels. A while ago her and her man had an argument (my mother had drank a bit and everything came out). She said she doesn't regret anything and everything came out that she had bottled up for... a long time. I was inside, upstairs and they were out, I had my window open and I could hear every word she said. And she said I had been and am right about men and other stuff aswell. Bitch, I know I am right. I'm woman. And since my mother defies everything womanly, she is in the wrong, like all men.
Ahhhh.....it feels so good to be a woman.... Puts a smile on my face!
Saturday, July 23, 2011
Er, has some sort of a time travel taken place?
Er, has some sort of a time travel taken place?
This thing was in my Drafts since May 29th 2010, filmed in Newbridge, Ireland
The more you look at it the pinker it gets
The best!
Plus, got my forum's look done. The more you look at it the pinker it gets.
Plus, got my forum's look done. The more you look at it the pinker it gets.
Friday, July 22, 2011
first official time
Well. This is the first official time I've applied for university.
I went for Tartu Tervishoiu Kõrgkool. And applied for Bioanalyst and Health Protection Specialist. They're applied courses. And as far as I know, with degree.
There were a lot of good courses at Eesti Maaülikool aswell but it was harder to get in and I missed the deadline. I was gonna go for Hydrobiology there.
I hope they still consider me at the Tervishoiu Kõrgkool cause since I've been sick I haven't been able to bike to Tartu and get my pic taken to send it with the application. At the minute I have the best chance at Bioanalyst (paid), then Health Protection Specialist (on the budget) and then Bioanalyst (on the budget). There will be a test aswell, well... just a conversation... and I hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I won't get my anxiety at the time. I will fucking beat the crap out of myself if I do.
And if I don't get in, I will do my final exams next year again. I fucking have to cause I've been lulling around for the last two years and I don't wanna waste another year doing fuck all.
And just in case I don't get in I'll be looking for diploma courses for the coming academic year.
I went for Tartu Tervishoiu Kõrgkool. And applied for Bioanalyst and Health Protection Specialist. They're applied courses. And as far as I know, with degree.
There were a lot of good courses at Eesti Maaülikool aswell but it was harder to get in and I missed the deadline. I was gonna go for Hydrobiology there.
I hope they still consider me at the Tervishoiu Kõrgkool cause since I've been sick I haven't been able to bike to Tartu and get my pic taken to send it with the application. At the minute I have the best chance at Bioanalyst (paid), then Health Protection Specialist (on the budget) and then Bioanalyst (on the budget). There will be a test aswell, well... just a conversation... and I hope!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I won't get my anxiety at the time. I will fucking beat the crap out of myself if I do.
And if I don't get in, I will do my final exams next year again. I fucking have to cause I've been lulling around for the last two years and I don't wanna waste another year doing fuck all.
And just in case I don't get in I'll be looking for diploma courses for the coming academic year.
Wednesday, July 20, 2011
such a rich bitch
Wow, so I remember back in the good old days when the grass was greener, I had minor anxiety and worked at McDonald's at minimum wage, getting about 9,50 per hour. We got paid fortnightly and the biggest amount I ever got for two weeks was about 800 euros. But I never got 2000 euros for a month, it was alway around 1500. So and when we got euros in Estonia I learned that both, my mother's aswell as my father's family don't make it up to even 1000 euros in a month. Damn, I was such a rich bitch!
I remember like...having 200 for food for two weeks, 200 to buy new clothes for two weeks and saving the last 200. Damn!!! I spent like 20 fucking euros on food a day, or got a delivery everyday for a 20. I was fucking indipendant and fucking rich for a single person! It's so unreal to even think about it now.
Gah, and to amount to my anxiety and depression I got a fucking cold. I fucking knew something would go to shit! I told my mother it would and it did and she didn't believe me.
Like, we had this glorious day of family skinny dipping, then the next day I was home alond and swam. Then the next the family camehome with a family friend who I was thrilled to see. He helped me to sort out some of the college business. And we went swimming, twice. And the water was so cold. I didn't even realise I had a cold til a few days later when I told my mother I was feeling like shit and my Valium drops weren't helping. She then said it must be a cold. I took my temperature and bam! I had a fever. I've had it for almost a week now.
When we were skinny dipping I said it was such a good day and something must go horriblyworng soon cause I can never enjoy anything. My mother said not to be so negative and blah blah blah. See, I was right!? I'm fucking sick in summer! Cause of swimming! Fuck!
I remember like...having 200 for food for two weeks, 200 to buy new clothes for two weeks and saving the last 200. Damn!!! I spent like 20 fucking euros on food a day, or got a delivery everyday for a 20. I was fucking indipendant and fucking rich for a single person! It's so unreal to even think about it now.
Gah, and to amount to my anxiety and depression I got a fucking cold. I fucking knew something would go to shit! I told my mother it would and it did and she didn't believe me.
Like, we had this glorious day of family skinny dipping, then the next day I was home alond and swam. Then the next the family camehome with a family friend who I was thrilled to see. He helped me to sort out some of the college business. And we went swimming, twice. And the water was so cold. I didn't even realise I had a cold til a few days later when I told my mother I was feeling like shit and my Valium drops weren't helping. She then said it must be a cold. I took my temperature and bam! I had a fever. I've had it for almost a week now.
When we were skinny dipping I said it was such a good day and something must go horriblyworng soon cause I can never enjoy anything. My mother said not to be so negative and blah blah blah. See, I was right!? I'm fucking sick in summer! Cause of swimming! Fuck!
Saturday, July 16, 2011
back up your shitty words with actions or don't fucking say the things!
So I was all excited over the fact that Kevin might be leaving Glee for once and for all. And then I saw these interviews with him in Australia. Ughhh.... I sincerely hoped they had got over the whole "underdog" issue.
Glee is bullshit like Gaga. Just throwing big words at people and grabbing their money.
I swear my shit was boiling when Kevin said the show tackles some really big issues or whatever the fuck his exact words were. I cannot believe someone that hot can be so stupid or weak to (be made to) say such things.
Oh wow, they said "underdog"! Then they said "teen pregnancy". Then "bullying". Then "body image" And the show really is about sleeping around. It's just random words thrown at people, fucking word vomit.
This shit angers me so much. If you don't fucking back up your shitty words with actions don't fucking say the things!
Jaysas, what a bimbo Kevin is. Just a nice packaging.
Glee is bullshit like Gaga. Just throwing big words at people and grabbing their money.
I swear my shit was boiling when Kevin said the show tackles some really big issues or whatever the fuck his exact words were. I cannot believe someone that hot can be so stupid or weak to (be made to) say such things.
Oh wow, they said "underdog"! Then they said "teen pregnancy". Then "bullying". Then "body image" And the show really is about sleeping around. It's just random words thrown at people, fucking word vomit.
This shit angers me so much. If you don't fucking back up your shitty words with actions don't fucking say the things!
Jaysas, what a bimbo Kevin is. Just a nice packaging.
Monday, July 11, 2011
cannot remember the last time I had such a great day
Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!
I know there's like two hours left of this day but!
It was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think it was the best day of the last two years of my life. I actually cannot remember the last time I had such a great day.
So we went swimming with the family during the day. Although I dived kinda retardedly at one point and swollowed a whole lot of water and was choking, and I had two leeches on me that freaked me out, so... other than that it was super great! I mean super super super great!
Then a man delivered my new Sims game which I am installing at the minute. Well, have to install a bunch of updates first.
AND! I just got in from swimming. Another round, in a different lake. I cannot express how amazing it was. It was just hot. The water was hot. It was literally like bath water.When we went there I was wearing my bikini bottoms and a dress. So I had to swim topless. I told my mother it felt so good and warm and told her to just take a dip in her underwear. So she did. And then she got her top off aswell. Then my brother and my mother's man got in aswell. And then I decided to go skinny dipping. And all of the family got naked after that. :D I swear! It was so warm, refreshing, renewing and amazing. Imean, not seeing my family naked (I didn't really see anyone cause everyone got naked and dressed in the water) but the swimming.
Our dogs were with us and they were swimming all over the place. Plus our little pup, who's not that little anymore, jumped into the water by himself today, for the first time.
Ahhhhhhh...... :) :) :)
I know there's like two hours left of this day but!
It was AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think it was the best day of the last two years of my life. I actually cannot remember the last time I had such a great day.
So we went swimming with the family during the day. Although I dived kinda retardedly at one point and swollowed a whole lot of water and was choking, and I had two leeches on me that freaked me out, so... other than that it was super great! I mean super super super great!
Then a man delivered my new Sims game which I am installing at the minute. Well, have to install a bunch of updates first.
AND! I just got in from swimming. Another round, in a different lake. I cannot express how amazing it was. It was just hot. The water was hot. It was literally like bath water.When we went there I was wearing my bikini bottoms and a dress. So I had to swim topless. I told my mother it felt so good and warm and told her to just take a dip in her underwear. So she did. And then she got her top off aswell. Then my brother and my mother's man got in aswell. And then I decided to go skinny dipping. And all of the family got naked after that. :D I swear! It was so warm, refreshing, renewing and amazing. Imean, not seeing my family naked (I didn't really see anyone cause everyone got naked and dressed in the water) but the swimming.
Our dogs were with us and they were swimming all over the place. Plus our little pup, who's not that little anymore, jumped into the water by himself today, for the first time.
Ahhhhhhh...... :) :) :)
a little cuckoo in the head
Okay, my mother's a little cuckoo in the head. She just made us eat lunch and we're going swimming now.
Ugh, when she mentioned going out on the lake in a boat I got anxiety and it hasn't gone away.
Maybe I'll just go and swim then.
Plus I've been putting off applying for collage courses cause of my anxiety and now I only have a few days left.
Ugh, when she mentioned going out on the lake in a boat I got anxiety and it hasn't gone away.
Maybe I'll just go and swim then.
Plus I've been putting off applying for collage courses cause of my anxiety and now I only have a few days left.
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Duh!
Duh!
I just got out of my room to find my bottle of drink I remembered I had brought up to my room but couldn't find it when searched. So I went downstairs. Checked the kitchen. Checked the front hall. AND THEN went outside, over to sauna to look for the bottle. Nothing.
Gave up on the searching,camee back upstairs and saw the bottle on the bed. The same damn bed I was sitting at when I first got up to look for the bottle.
I just got out of my room to find my bottle of drink I remembered I had brought up to my room but couldn't find it when searched. So I went downstairs. Checked the kitchen. Checked the front hall. AND THEN went outside, over to sauna to look for the bottle. Nothing.
Gave up on the searching,camee back upstairs and saw the bottle on the bed. The same damn bed I was sitting at when I first got up to look for the bottle.
Yous know who yous are
Whores. Yous know who yous are.
Yous will never win. Fucking bring it, pussies! I'll beat the snot out of ya!
Be gone, bitches!
Plus, my head is about to explode! These little icons for the forum's new look are doing my head in. I cannot wait to be done with it all. Even my mother said I looked really tired and told me to take a break.
On the whole though, I am excited for the new look. Hopefully the girls will like it aswell, eventhough it is nauseatingly pink.
Yous will never win. Fucking bring it, pussies! I'll beat the snot out of ya!
Be gone, bitches!
Plus, my head is about to explode! These little icons for the forum's new look are doing my head in. I cannot wait to be done with it all. Even my mother said I looked really tired and told me to take a break.
On the whole though, I am excited for the new look. Hopefully the girls will like it aswell, eventhough it is nauseatingly pink.
Saturday, July 09, 2011
Gone to nowhere
So today was supposed to be the day when I was supposed to meet up with some girls from my forum. But since I hurt my legs yesterday, I'm not going anywhere. The scar on my foot is really bad and I cannot really bend my knee and I would've had to bike to Tartu. Oh well, maybe it's for the better this way.
My mother and her man and some relatives went to Latvia for the day. This is the randomest thing. They thought of going yesterday and they went today. If I were okay with travelling I would have gone along.
Yeah so I'm pretty uch finishing up the new look for the forum but I keep chaning the tiny icons and it's taking me forever to choose the right ones. Luckily the forum isn't too busy in the summer.
Anyway, been listening to the lovely Cara Dillon's album Hill Of Thieves. And I l o v e Verdant Braes Of Skreen:
And Spencer The Rover:
My mother and her man and some relatives went to Latvia for the day. This is the randomest thing. They thought of going yesterday and they went today. If I were okay with travelling I would have gone along.
Yeah so I'm pretty uch finishing up the new look for the forum but I keep chaning the tiny icons and it's taking me forever to choose the right ones. Luckily the forum isn't too busy in the summer.
Anyway, been listening to the lovely Cara Dillon's album Hill Of Thieves. And I l o v e Verdant Braes Of Skreen:
And Spencer The Rover:
Friday, July 08, 2011
Saving Donna
So today turned pretty horrible. Sort of.
Went swimming with the whole family and our three dogs.
The place we went to has this deck. It's like... made of planks and they have gaps inbetween them. So what happened was that our dog Donna slipped and one of her hind legs went inbetween two planks, into the gap. The front of her slipped into water, off the deck. The sight of it was horrifying! Plus she was whimpering really badly. So the sound of it wasn't the nicest thing to witness either.
She was in this really awkward position flapping her front legs all over to place to find some balance.
My mother was sitting on the deckat the time, my brother was standing by, mother's man was far in the water and I was in the water, near the deck.
Everything happened really quickly but I was the closest to her to push her out the water, the front of her, or give her balance.
So I tried pushing her up and back on the deck but she was so heavy and panicky. My mother on the other sice, on the deck, was pulling her back. And at one point I know I pulled her leg out.
While I was trying to keep the front of her up I fell quite a few times.
The bottom of the water, lake wasn't sandy or anything, at the shore there are these horrible big stones underwater and they're so slippery.
And since everything happened so quickly and I rushed over to Donna and fell several times when trying to hold her up, I hurt my legs pretty bad.
There isn't that much blood but my knee is swollen and it doesn't show in the pic but near the little scar on my right leg there is a long red scrape up and down my leg. Plus two of my toes were bleeding and have an open scar under my left foot and a big bruise.
Luckily Donna seems to be okay. She stopped yelping as soon as she got her leg out of the gap.
It was horrible anyway. I totally thought she was gonna break her leg. She isn't limping or anything and the leg doesn't seem to bother her at all.
The whole thing was enough to set off my anxiety though. Just the sight of her in that awkward position and the whimpering. Ughhhhhhh, so horrible. My mother was scared that Donna might bite me when I went to push her up/on the deck cause she was really panicky.
Yeah so that was the end of the beautiful swimming day. My knee was bleeding quite a bit at first and I thought I might need stitching but the scar itself isn't that deep but the blow itself was bad.
The mother said this will make me and Donna closer so... I guess that's a good thing :)
Went swimming with the whole family and our three dogs.
The place we went to has this deck. It's like... made of planks and they have gaps inbetween them. So what happened was that our dog Donna slipped and one of her hind legs went inbetween two planks, into the gap. The front of her slipped into water, off the deck. The sight of it was horrifying! Plus she was whimpering really badly. So the sound of it wasn't the nicest thing to witness either.
She was in this really awkward position flapping her front legs all over to place to find some balance.
My mother was sitting on the deckat the time, my brother was standing by, mother's man was far in the water and I was in the water, near the deck.
Everything happened really quickly but I was the closest to her to push her out the water, the front of her, or give her balance.
So I tried pushing her up and back on the deck but she was so heavy and panicky. My mother on the other sice, on the deck, was pulling her back. And at one point I know I pulled her leg out.
While I was trying to keep the front of her up I fell quite a few times.
The bottom of the water, lake wasn't sandy or anything, at the shore there are these horrible big stones underwater and they're so slippery.
And since everything happened so quickly and I rushed over to Donna and fell several times when trying to hold her up, I hurt my legs pretty bad.
Luckily Donna seems to be okay. She stopped yelping as soon as she got her leg out of the gap.
It was horrible anyway. I totally thought she was gonna break her leg. She isn't limping or anything and the leg doesn't seem to bother her at all.
The whole thing was enough to set off my anxiety though. Just the sight of her in that awkward position and the whimpering. Ughhhhhhh, so horrible. My mother was scared that Donna might bite me when I went to push her up/on the deck cause she was really panicky.
Yeah so that was the end of the beautiful swimming day. My knee was bleeding quite a bit at first and I thought I might need stitching but the scar itself isn't that deep but the blow itself was bad.
The mother said this will make me and Donna closer so... I guess that's a good thing :)
You fucking shine through it all!
Woah! What's happened on blogger?!
Will take some time to get used to it.
Anyway, just wanted to post something. Today, I appreciate being a sister, having brothers and not being the only child.
That's the positive thing.
The bad thing is... I hate it when people tell me I've lost my "shine" or that I'm "not what I used to be at all". Okay, I'm sick, I get it. You wouldn't go up to a person who's had chemo therapy and go "wow, you don't look like you at all now that you're hair has fallen out" or "you look so sick and different".
Like, today I showed my mother videos and pics of the time when I lived in Ireland and she kept going on about how I had "such positive aura" back then and how I've lost it.
Well, fuck! You try to be positive when you are literally a prisoner in your own body that you don't know how to fix. When all minute everyday things become like the fucking grandest obstacles in your life. And I'm not even gonna talk about your damn dreams, career, education, relationships. You fucking shine through it all! I don't fucking have to please anyone nor do I have to listen to this positive aura crap!
Will take some time to get used to it.
Anyway, just wanted to post something. Today, I appreciate being a sister, having brothers and not being the only child.
That's the positive thing.
The bad thing is... I hate it when people tell me I've lost my "shine" or that I'm "not what I used to be at all". Okay, I'm sick, I get it. You wouldn't go up to a person who's had chemo therapy and go "wow, you don't look like you at all now that you're hair has fallen out" or "you look so sick and different".
Like, today I showed my mother videos and pics of the time when I lived in Ireland and she kept going on about how I had "such positive aura" back then and how I've lost it.
Well, fuck! You try to be positive when you are literally a prisoner in your own body that you don't know how to fix. When all minute everyday things become like the fucking grandest obstacles in your life. And I'm not even gonna talk about your damn dreams, career, education, relationships. You fucking shine through it all! I don't fucking have to please anyone nor do I have to listen to this positive aura crap!
Thursday, July 07, 2011
so many little images and they're all wrong
Ughhh.......so many little images and they're all wrong! I swear I have created about a thousand images for my forum's new look. Only about....a little over 200 will be used though. Ugh, my head will explode if I have to do this one more day.
Other than that, went swimming twice today. Even my mother's man swam. And well, my brother didn't. He just stands in the water or outside the water and complains, making up excuses why he cannot swim. And then when everyone else is done and ready to go home he decides to go in the water. This kid!
I swear I care for him but he is really mouthy and hard to get along with. Mum says he's hitting puberty.
Oh and I bought a new Sims game - Generations. Will see how it fucks up my game. :D
Other than that, went swimming twice today. Even my mother's man swam. And well, my brother didn't. He just stands in the water or outside the water and complains, making up excuses why he cannot swim. And then when everyone else is done and ready to go home he decides to go in the water. This kid!
I swear I care for him but he is really mouthy and hard to get along with. Mum says he's hitting puberty.
Oh and I bought a new Sims game - Generations. Will see how it fucks up my game. :D
Monday, July 04, 2011
knowing them properly
Okay, so there are bitches who have disappointed me without me knowing them properly, some who I just cannot stand without me knowing them properly and some who just annoy me without me knowing them properly.
Some I've bitched about and some I haven't.
So right now, I'd like to say to all, suck it bitches and know I don't like you and no, I don't wanna get to know you properly. You suck, end of.
And as for men...well, it doesn't really matter cause I don't value your opinion, feelings or thoughts anyway.
Plus, I want a baby. Damn my anxiety! I'd so start working on it straight away if I wasn't on my pills and shit.
Some I've bitched about and some I haven't.
So right now, I'd like to say to all, suck it bitches and know I don't like you and no, I don't wanna get to know you properly. You suck, end of.
And as for men...well, it doesn't really matter cause I don't value your opinion, feelings or thoughts anyway.
Plus, I want a baby. Damn my anxiety! I'd so start working on it straight away if I wasn't on my pills and shit.
Sunday, July 03, 2011
feels like capital punishment gone wrong and I'm somewhere in between
Well, turns out, as said on 2nd of July, I am scary.
Today I scared my little brother. Properly like.
We were on our way to the shop when I got my crazies. I had to get off the bike, cause I was unable to ride it,or even walk or talk. I managed to tell my brother to go to the shop alone. I just told him, I wanna sit on the ground and keep the money for something worthwhile.
So I sat down and had my crazy on properly.I was trying to look as normal as possible when the brother was around. He was off to the shop. Came back with a bottle of water I asked him to buy me. I said he can go home, I'll sit on the ground. So I was sat there with thoughts and head insides rumbling around in my skull.
I was desperate to get home to take my Valium drops.
When I thought I was slightly feeling better, I made my way towards home.
Half way there, my mother came to check on me on the brother's bike. I just dropped my own bike, got the hysterics and told the mother to bring my bike home.
I walked home myself. Quick.
Well, when I got home I suppose I was feeling okay.
I was just surprised the anxiety attack didn't last that long and that I was able to calm down without my drops. The whole evening I've been waiting for it to get worse but it feels quite normal at the minute.
I've just been downstairs, asking my brother for the sweets he bought himself.
He said he didn't have the time to buy something for himself.
That shows he was freaked out cause he would never not buy sweets when he has the chance and money.
Plus, the mother said he looked weirded out when he got home alone.
Oh well, I guess you cannot expect an 11-year-old to understand an anxiety disorder when even grown ups don't get it.
It's not about getting a little nervous or being completely crazy but right now it totally affects my whole life and keeps me a prisoner. And it feels like capital punishment gone wrong and I'm somewhere in between.
I've got no idea why exactly it happened cause I hadn't had a bad one like that for quite a while.
I'm thinking it could have been cause I was really excited about applying for courses or it could have been the weather change or that I messed up and took a double dose of my morning pill.
Today I scared my little brother. Properly like.
We were on our way to the shop when I got my crazies. I had to get off the bike, cause I was unable to ride it,or even walk or talk. I managed to tell my brother to go to the shop alone. I just told him, I wanna sit on the ground and keep the money for something worthwhile.
So I sat down and had my crazy on properly.I was trying to look as normal as possible when the brother was around. He was off to the shop. Came back with a bottle of water I asked him to buy me. I said he can go home, I'll sit on the ground. So I was sat there with thoughts and head insides rumbling around in my skull.
I was desperate to get home to take my Valium drops.
When I thought I was slightly feeling better, I made my way towards home.
Half way there, my mother came to check on me on the brother's bike. I just dropped my own bike, got the hysterics and told the mother to bring my bike home.
I walked home myself. Quick.
Well, when I got home I suppose I was feeling okay.
I was just surprised the anxiety attack didn't last that long and that I was able to calm down without my drops. The whole evening I've been waiting for it to get worse but it feels quite normal at the minute.
I've just been downstairs, asking my brother for the sweets he bought himself.
He said he didn't have the time to buy something for himself.
That shows he was freaked out cause he would never not buy sweets when he has the chance and money.
Plus, the mother said he looked weirded out when he got home alone.
Oh well, I guess you cannot expect an 11-year-old to understand an anxiety disorder when even grown ups don't get it.
It's not about getting a little nervous or being completely crazy but right now it totally affects my whole life and keeps me a prisoner. And it feels like capital punishment gone wrong and I'm somewhere in between.
I've got no idea why exactly it happened cause I hadn't had a bad one like that for quite a while.
I'm thinking it could have been cause I was really excited about applying for courses or it could have been the weather change or that I messed up and took a double dose of my morning pill.
Saturday, July 02, 2011
one man less
So today was an interesting day.
The first half I felt really bad anxiety.
Then my mother got home from work.
I was wearing this random "revealing" top and had a nip slip.
I didn't see anything myself, it was only when my mother noticed it and laughed at "a zit of some sort on my chest". Well, that means my small tit.
So, later on we took the dogs swimming. We had this stick with us we throw in the water for dogs.
So the stick was in the water near the bank and my mother went to fetch it, I held her hand so she wouldn't fall in the water. Well... and then I pushed my mother in the water :D
She tried to pull me down with her but I kept shouting "I'm on my period!"
I was half way in anyway. She got wet all over.
Oh and then I found out I've been with one man less than my mother. Well, three or four less, depending on what you count in and what's left out.
The first half I felt really bad anxiety.
Then my mother got home from work.
I was wearing this random "revealing" top and had a nip slip.
I didn't see anything myself, it was only when my mother noticed it and laughed at "a zit of some sort on my chest". Well, that means my small tit.
So, later on we took the dogs swimming. We had this stick with us we throw in the water for dogs.
So the stick was in the water near the bank and my mother went to fetch it, I held her hand so she wouldn't fall in the water. Well... and then I pushed my mother in the water :D
She tried to pull me down with her but I kept shouting "I'm on my period!"
I was half way in anyway. She got wet all over.
Oh and then I found out I've been with one man less than my mother. Well, three or four less, depending on what you count in and what's left out.
TS01072011
Friday, July 01, 2011
the sky turned pitch black and the moon appeared to be torn to shreds
Oh dear. This unbearably hot weather is causing nightmares.
Last night I had a dream of the end of the world.
I remember seeing it very vividly when the sky turned pitch black and the moon appeared to be torn to shreds. It was weird cause the sun seemed to become "extinct" but it's the one illuminating the moon.
I remember I just kept on rambling about killing myself cause I was too scared to go through the whole thing alive.
Hm, I think the feeling and situation can be applied to my current feeling about life and situation.
Speaking of applying... I'll be applying for some university courses later on today. Will see how all that goes.
I don't understand why it's so necessary to put singing abilities as crucial everywhere. Singing can hardly be associated with music. Fuck, I wanna do traditional music and instruments and I have to fucking sing!
I. do. not. sing.
It's like, say you wanna be a chef and the university tells you to kill a lion with your two bare hands. Like, lion is meat and it's food and you wanna be chef. It's exactly like that with doing music and singing. Not everyone's a fucking singer but might be really good at playing some instrument or composing and they cannot do it cause you have to fucking sing.
Last night I had a dream of the end of the world.
I remember seeing it very vividly when the sky turned pitch black and the moon appeared to be torn to shreds. It was weird cause the sun seemed to become "extinct" but it's the one illuminating the moon.
I remember I just kept on rambling about killing myself cause I was too scared to go through the whole thing alive.
Hm, I think the feeling and situation can be applied to my current feeling about life and situation.
Speaking of applying... I'll be applying for some university courses later on today. Will see how all that goes.
I don't understand why it's so necessary to put singing abilities as crucial everywhere. Singing can hardly be associated with music. Fuck, I wanna do traditional music and instruments and I have to fucking sing!
I. do. not. sing.
It's like, say you wanna be a chef and the university tells you to kill a lion with your two bare hands. Like, lion is meat and it's food and you wanna be chef. It's exactly like that with doing music and singing. Not everyone's a fucking singer but might be really good at playing some instrument or composing and they cannot do it cause you have to fucking sing.
I'm scary, bitches!
Ugh, what a horrible day it was. Well, most of it. The rest of it was great.
It was too hot for me. I couldn't breathe properly for the most of the day.
When the sun was setting it got a bit better. I even mowed the lawn and hung out with my brother and his friend. Took the dogs swimming and then went for a bike ride.
Man, I saw this frog belly up on the road. I went over to check on it and it was still alive. My heart broke.
Oh and my mother forgot to buy me pills. She was so scared of me giving out to her she didn't come up to my room to say hello as she usually does when she gets home from work. Ha! I'm scary, bitches!
My mother's been looking at flats in Tartu.We might be moving soon since the mother and her man are... pretty much over and done.
Even my brother asked the mother today when this how-d'ye-do is gonna end. We'll see.
It was too hot for me. I couldn't breathe properly for the most of the day.
When the sun was setting it got a bit better. I even mowed the lawn and hung out with my brother and his friend. Took the dogs swimming and then went for a bike ride.
Man, I saw this frog belly up on the road. I went over to check on it and it was still alive. My heart broke.
Oh and my mother forgot to buy me pills. She was so scared of me giving out to her she didn't come up to my room to say hello as she usually does when she gets home from work. Ha! I'm scary, bitches!
My mother's been looking at flats in Tartu.We might be moving soon since the mother and her man are... pretty much over and done.
Even my brother asked the mother today when this how-d'ye-do is gonna end. We'll see.
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