leave our household ASAP

Ugh, my mother had it and now my brother has it, stomach flu. I so hope I won't catch it. The damn things should leave our household ASAP.

bread and beer

lol

I won't be alone

Yay! Dad's family came to visit us today. Has been a good holiday. And it looks like I won't be alone this New Year's Eve either so... yay to that aswell.

I feel like shit. Emotionally.

Ugh. I feel like shit. Emotionally.
So apparently A has a girlfriend now. And my guy R is the most uncommunicative person ever. It's so hard to talk to him. He can't even look me in the eye.

they're grand

Hahaha, it's so funny to see stupid americans act like sad little bitches. You lost, you're the terrorists (who bombs their own country and blames it on others - 9/11) - deal with it like grown ups. I'm not saying any bad words about the normal americans, they're grand.
And... I was really hoping they wouldn't kill Kim in the film but they do. Disappointed with James participating in the project, seeing as he doesn't want racist people on his IG page.

blinded by their mindless "patriotism"

Well, The Interview was cancelled. Can't say I'm surprised. Like... when America does a movie about killing another country's leader it's all fun and games and freedom of speech or artistic vision or whatever... but when North Korea or Russia or anyone else would do a film about killing Obama americans would be so butthurt and blame them of terrorism. Thank god there are americans out there who see the situation for what it is and are not blinded by their mindless "patriotism".

Stupid old frigid hag!

Ugh...more Ilme bashing. Had a guy over, had sex. And why the fuck do I have to justify and explain that to her!? She just sticks her damn nose into places it doesn't belong. Ugh, if I had the money to find a new place I'd move and tell her where to go. Stupid old frigid hag! Why does she get so pissed off over me having sex!??!

witches and shit

Oh my god, Ilme is so pathetic with her witches and shit. Like she was a fan of this witch show where people who call themselves witches or something have to solve problems with their "extreasensory minds" or whatever. And now there's this show about some Vangha or someone like that, some old woman who foretold all the big happenings in the past. Oh my god! I'm not saying people like that don't exist but Ilme believes all this stuff so credulously. I tell her it's all a show for TV, for entertainment value and to get money and she gets sooooo pissed off. She doesn't believe anyone would go on TV to lie. Oh my god, how gullbile of her. And she's 71! Like what!? She told me I'm missing something in my head when I don't believe in it. Think she's the one who's senile. For real like.
On the witch show there was this episode where a witch and some person were on the phone and the witch had to guess who was on the other end and describe the person and shit. And Ilme totally believed it. Like, she didn't care that the "witch" could have been told beforehand what the room or person was like, the witch might've been in the room himself and talked to the person who he was gonna be on the phone with. Like Ilme didn't seem to understand that there were cameras which could have been turned off to give the witch some information. Like she totally dismissied the chance of a collusion. I don't understand how someone that old can be so stupid and gullible.
Ughhhhhh!!!!!

He looks so cute

Took this pic of Jossu recently. Thought I'd save it on my blog. He looks so cute.

Story Of My Life

LOL

I wanna shag. James Franco. So bad. Right now.

I wanna shag. James Franco. So bad. Right now.

it feels so good!

I'm back in town and it feels so good! I can stay up as late as I like and sleep as long as I want. Great!

TS10/12/2014

a needle, a knife and pliers

Phew, looks like I'm not expecting. Took a test and it was negative. But still, where the hell are my periods!?

My jacket's zipper broke. I went into the doctor's office and asked a man waiting there to help me unzip my jacket. He used a needle, a knife and pliers to open it. Eventually he just ripped it apart. I needed to get my jacket off to show my chest to the doctor. I've had this weird pain in the right side of my chest. Apparently it's nerve inflammation. When I get the ache I have to take 1000mg of Paracetamol.

Yeah and I'm staying at my mother's til Thursday cause my dad might come and visit us on Wednesday.

tell him anyway and demand alimony

Okay I'm back to weighing under 75kg. But! I still don't have my period. Will be going to the pharmacy tomorrow for my crazy pills. Will also buy a pregnancy test. Fuck! If I am pregnant I will want to tell my mother. Knowing her she will demand me to have an abortion. Ughhhhh!!!! Abortion is out of the question for me cause I'm extremely scared of pregnancy and giving birth. If I fell pregnant it's meant to be and I will have the baby. Even when the father is nowhere to be seen. I'll tell him anyway and demand alimony.
I hope the period is just late.

so much weight so quickly

Okay where are my periods? I might be pregnant but don't think I am. I don't feel any different. Mother has told me that when she was pregnant with me she could tell when she was two weeks in. My unprotcted time was over a month ago. Yes I had periods after that but they were quite light.
I'm thinking the delay is caused by my weight gain. On saturday last week I weighed about 73kg and on sunday last week I weighed about 78kg. I have no idea how I gained so much weight so quickly but it's still all there. Ugh, I'm starting to worry about my looks.

spell it out

Jill: There are times I wish that he were more in touch with my feelings. It's like I have to spell everything out for him.
Couple's therapy conductor: Could you give us an example?
Tim: See? You gotta spell it out for him too!

something always goes wrong

Oh jeez! Everytime I cook for the family something always goes wrong. Something's undercooked, too salty or peppery or sweet. This time I made cake. Mother had bought three layers of pastry. I was just supposed to put jam and sourcream on each layer. So I did. When mother went to taste my cake she discovered I had left the thin layers of paper in aswell. :D Oh my god! The paper was so thin I thought it was pastry. I mean one side of the pastry did look different than the other but I thought it's just how it's made. Luckily mother could rearrange the cake and remove the papers.

my lifestyle, life goal and me

"Ma väga palju haigustest ei taha rääkida, sest minu arvates ei tohi sa end samastada oma haigusega. See ei tohi saada sinu omaks. See peab olema keegi, kellega sa toimetad oma igapäevaseid toimetusi ja püüad hakkama saada, aga see ei ole sina." - Vahur Kersna

Ouch! I'm totally the opposite. My anxiety is my lifestyle, life goal and me.

I want someone I'm physically attracted to

I signed up on OkCupid the other day. Yeah... I know I'm ugly as fuck myself but gosh.... Estonian men aren't even worth looking at. Maybe they have nice personalities, dunno. The website is forever suggesting me Finnish men and they're so much better looking. Estonian men look like peasants. Not that there's anything wrong with that but I want someone I'm physically attracted to.

numbing pain

Oh god. It started last weekend. I have a numbing pain in my chest, on the right side. It's not my windpipe. Probably nerve pain. If it continues this bad or gets worse I'll go to th doctor on Monday. Ouch.

mentally stimulating

Okay, I seriously want a man. Not in a physical way. I want a mentally stimulating relationship. And then emotionally empowering one and then...physical. Where are all the dudes?

I'm an open book. Don't look for the cover

Well  said.

What a traitor!

Think it was last Friday when I was chilling with my mother in her bedroom. The TV was on. Some Lana Del Rey song came on. Mother had almost drifted off but woke up to listen to the song. She said it sounds like "her kind of music". What a traitor!  :D
I then left the room saying I don't wanna listen to some chick who's canoodling with my crush.

adopt

Ugh...why is my health the way it is? And why is my life the way it is? I so wanna adopt a cat and most imprtantly, a child. I wish I had my own place for them. I don't necessarily need a man for the child but I'd definitely need health and money.
Ugh.
I just read up about adopting a kid and I so wanna do it. I'm so glad my brother is adopted and that I was introduced to adopting. It's the best thing ever! I so hope more people will discover the wonders of adopting a child.

cold and snowy

Ugh. Complaining ahead!
Why is it almost winter? I really cannot wait til spring. I don't want the cold and snowy weather. Like, I wanna go for a bike ride but it's too cold and dark outside. *whine*

Half an hour left

Half an hour left and then I'll be 29. Won't be going back to town tomorrow cause my bike broke again. One of the tyres again. Ughhhh, I just got a new one and now it's broken. So annoying. But at least I get to spend my birthday with the family. I was woken today by mum and Lembit. He gave me a kiss :D
Oh and I got two Puls cherry beers and a chocolate.
And Heli and Jaan came over. Gave me hand and body lotion, a chocolate and a flower as gifts.

knock me down and trample all over me

Ugh, I'm torn.
So I had the test day at the farm. The baby cows were cute. Three were born on the day I worked. I think I could handle the feeding the calves. The thing I'd have problems with are cows and milking. I'm scared of cows... I just think they'll knock me down and trample all over me. But this is not why I don't want the job. I'm just terrified of responsibility. If I fail at the job it is not just a personal failure, the poor cows and calves suffer cause of me and I cannot let that happen. Plus I'd feel a little bad about the bosses who hire me. Yeah, I already called them and said I didn't want the position. I actually hope they'll ring me and ask me to try again. As I said, I'm torn, dunno what to do about the position. If they do ring me it'll be a sure sign that I'm supposed to work there.

test day

Blah, I have a test day at the farm tomorrow. I so hope I can handle it. I really really need the money. Plus, I do like them cows and the smell isn't that bad.

serious girl crush

Ahh...had a disco night with the fam again.

Mum and Lembit drank wine and we ate grapes and blue cheese. Listened to old German disco music.

Ha! And then I was like, to my mum, let's take a selfie. She said it came out pretty well. Said I must have practiced it alot. She doesn't know I have a whole page dedicated to selfies on my blog :D


Oh and then we listened to E-Type:

Damn...I have a serious girl crush on that chick. What moves! What body! Lembit said she was way ahead of her time with twerking.


TS31102014

I have a feeling I will really like them baby cows

So the job interview went well. I kinda think they're gonna pick me. They liked that I was young and that I have never worked on a farm before (don't have any "wrong habits"). Ahh... on one hand I feel really excited and cannot wait til I get to go to work. I have a feeling I will really like them baby cows. On the other hand I just hope I will do a good job at taking care of them and that I won't get anxiety.

think I can't do it cause I'm too lazy

Waah, I'm kinda  nervous about my job interview thingy in the morning. My mother and Lembit think I can't do it cause I'm too lazy. I hope I can cause the pay is good. And I wish we get half an hour for a break so I can ride home, eat at home then go back. Ahhh...so nervous.

Will be going back tomorrow

So I got to town about an hour ago. Will be going back tomorrow. I have to go to a farm in Melliste on wednesday to see if I can wrok there. Will be either milking cows or looking after calves. Right now I'm excited about the work though. I'm thinking my anxiety won't be as bad in the countryside as it would be in town. Yeah if I do get the job it means I'd be moving in with my mother's family. Ahh, so excited!

constantly hungry but can't eat

Oh goddess... my head's going crazy. Been out of it ever since Thursday. Nauseous and dizzy. Thinking it's cause I stopped taking Mirtazapine. I'll try to wait it out now and hope I'll feel better in time. I don't understand what it is with my body that when I don't take my pills I feel nauseous. Like what the fuck!? I feel constantly hungry but can't eat. Even when I eat I still feel like I'm hungry. Ughhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!

Even the thought of it gives me anxiety

Well, I got my sweet babe working again. I hope it'll last til at least next year.

Yeah and I talked to Aksel the other day. Yeah looks like when he said his friends wouldn't accept me cause I'm fat meant he thought I wasn't good looking enough for him. He said it took some time to get used to. And then we talked about me going over to his place. Argh... I want to but I'm scared. Even the thought of it gives me anxiety. Will see....

Blub, my bike broke

Blub, my bike broke. It  was bumping when riding for quite a while and now it completely broke. Will go to the bike shop tomorrow to get it fixed. Hopefully they can fix it right away cause I cannot travel to places any way else.

edit: Oh and my mother was on TV again. There was a segment on the news about tractors made in China.
Yeah and my heart is almost broken cause of my baby bike.

Did the deed

Talked to Ilme about me having sex. Apparently I cannot sleep around but one guy is okay. Had Aksel over. Did the deed. Everything's cool with Ilme and Aksel.

I sent out some CVs just now. Hopefully will get a little job.

I'm all about abbreviations

Hung out with the fam tonight, minus the bro. We played songs off YouTube and sang and danced a bit.

A really flattering pic of me but... whatevs. Yeah I'm all about abbreviations in this post. :D
Looks like things between me and Aksel are finally over now. Will see.

Will see how that goes

Ha! Ilme wants me to move out. Fine by me. She said I can stay til summer but I doubt I'll do that. Already send some emails for places. Will see how that goes.
I dunno what kind of a person can live with her. Maybe an old woman like herself. Every young woman is interested in sex.

So.... life sucks

So.... life sucks.
Got a bollocking from Ilme for sleeping with a guy. She said I cannot do it cause I have new mattresses on my bed. Fuck, I'd fuck on the floor. But she just says no sex in the appartment. So I'm looking for a new place now. Ughhhhhh...
Plus I think I still have feelings for Aksel. And I cannot have him.
Life sucks so hard!

no water in the well

Last snowless winter and dry summer have caught up with us. We have no water in the well.
Thank god I don't live at my mother's place.
Although, my mother said today that if I don't get a job there's no point of me living in town. I really don't wanna move up here cause in town I have a bit of a life, with men at least.

I'm smiling not laughing

Well, mum got back. I spent forever downstairs listening to her tales. Anyway, this what she brought back:


This weird thing is a mix of an apple and a pear I think. If any Chinese or in the know people happen to read my blog, let us know what this thing is. It's super yummy though.


Oh and she also brought this hair piece.


Yeah and today with Lembit and before with my mother, I have smiled and both of them have asked me what I'm laughing about. And I tell them I'm smiling not laughing. They think it's weird that I'm smiling for "no good reason". :D I'm just happy I guess.

so much pain

I'm in so much pain! :'( :'(

But mum will be coming home from China today. Yay! I hope she brought something interesting or yummy for me.

TS04102014

really really small pieces

OMG, that goulash I just made is so yummy! And it's a little better than my mum's cause I cut the onion into really really small pieces.
And I've got the last load in the washing machine. So yay!

very very apathetic

Ugh, what a waste of a day. We were supposed to paint our little garden cottage with Lembit today so I got up early. He was gone.
He had set up the water tubes (we don't have plumbing here at mother's) for the washing machine. So I went to wash clothes. Yeah the instructions my mother left me didn't work. I couldn't turn on the machine. So no clothes washing.
Then I thought I'd rake the leaves. There was a storm outside during the night and there were a buttload of leaves all over the place. But I couldn't rake cause the wind was too high.
Yeah, then I rang Lembit (he's an electrician and was called out cause of the storm damage) and was hoping he'd come back soon. But I'm still waiting. I thought maybe he could get the washing machine working but it's too late now. It would have been a perfect day to dry clothes outside what with the wind and all.
Ugh I just feel so blahhh about everything.

Had a long talk about relationshipy stuff with Aksel last night. Think I've calmed down about our situation. Today I feel absolutely nothing. Talked to Roland today aswell. Yeah, he talks too little. We cannot get to know each other if he replies with one word to every question I ask. Anyway, I'm very very apathetic when it comes to men today. I just couldn't care less.

I'm hoping now to get dinner right. Will peel the potatoes soon and fry the beef. Or pork. Don't even know.

Oh and I rang mother at 3:30 am. She texted me saying she was in Beijing and everything is fine.

China time

Okay, the first day without mum has been survived. I cooked drumsticks in the oven and made rice with vegetables. It was actually eatable.
Tomorrow I have to make fried beef with gravy and potatoes. Scary stuff.

Yeah and mum survived her first flight to Helsinki. She's on her flight to China now. Will get there at 7 am China time (2 am Estonia time). I couldn't handle an 8 hour flight. Ugh. Hopefully she's able to sleep.

I have a thing going on

Okay. I feel like ranting about stuff one more time.
So apparently the reason why I cannot be in a relationship with A, is cause I'm fat.
I'm just so confused. Firstly, on my dating website profile I have pics of my body so he knew very well what he was getting himself into. I also had stated that I had a bigger body.
So the confusing part.... he says I'm nice and cute and what not and we had a very lovely evening together. An then he goes on to say his friends would not approve of me. Ugh... I just don't get it why anyone else's but his own opinion should matter!? Maybe it's some male status thing, I don't know. When I like a guy, I like him no matter what anyone else thinks. I've never in my life thought of anyone else's opinion but my own. So I don't get it. Plus, okay I know I'm not the most attractive person in the world, but I'm not morbidly obese or anything extreme.
Ugh, I just don't get it.

Anyway, I have a thing going on with Roland now. He said he didn't kinda wanna be a back up plan. And I kinda told him he wasn't but I flat out lied. I just really click with Aksel, what can I say.

Unsexy

I'm torn.
The thing is, Aksel doesn't want me cause I'm crazy and ugly. Can't say I'm surprised but I still wanna hang out with him and do shit. On the other hand, not that I'm hurt, I wanna tell him where to go cause he's not accepting me for me. But then again, he not supposed to.
I've covered the crazy bit but last night he said he can't bring me to his posse cause I'm not sexy (like his other sex goddess like ex's) cause he's afraid of the judgement. I find the thing so childish and not cause I'm biased. It's just such kindergarten stuff.
It's just blahh...

Maybe it was meant to be that when we first met I felt super sick. Maybe it was a sign I should never have met up with him? And then the only one good time we had together was all the good I could squeeze out of our situation?

I feel so insecure, almost hurt

Ughh, I feel so insecure, almost hurt. This thing won't end well. Not for me anyway. And when it all blows up in my face I'll only have myself to blame.

I'm a little worried

So I'm a little worried about myself right now. Mother will be leaving for China on friday. I'm scared I'll get the same kinda anxiety as I did when my ex went to Ibiza. Oh my god, that was definitely one of the worst nights of my life.
She will be going to Finland first and I told her to ring me from there to hear how her flight was. I hope it'll go well so I can be calm.
And then I'm worried about cooking. I came to mum's place today and will be staying here til she comes back, cooking and cleaning. I've had a couple of cooking crash courses.

loved loved loved

Ahh... had such a lovely date with Aksel. I loved loved loved the hugging. I could do without the kissing and sex (not that there was anything wrong with either of those) but the hugging was unbelievable!
He left a couple of hours ago but I already want to do it all over again.

Too bad I can't have him.

A withdrawal thing

Oh god, my stomach and bowel are going crazy. Feel so nauseous and just sick. Probably cause of my pills. A withdrawal thing.

Oh man what I'd give

Omg, I actually wanna shag a guy I know. Fuck my anxiety! Oh man what I'd give to be close to him!

*Ahem*

I wanna be all touchy feely, lovey dovey with someone right now. *Ahem*

Perfect!

Yeah okay... I cannot live a normal life cause of my anxiety. I cannot do simple things like eating, going to the grocery store, walking down the street alone, going to a friend's house etc. I cannot get a job. And now it looks like I cannot get a man. Perfect!

What an ordeal!

Oh my god. What an ordeal! I thought my date with "Aleks" was going to be cancelled cause I felt sooooooooooooo sick. I literally thought I was gonna toss my cookies. The anxiety was unbareable. I took a maximum dose of Valium, 30 drops, 15mg of Mirtazapin (which I'm actually off of), 1 pill of Cerucal and two other pills for nausea. And I still felt nauseous and shaky. And drowsy from all the pills.
But! We made it. Watched Frozen. He seemed really nice. Wouldn't mind developing things between us. Dunno what he thinks though.

Why the cameras and audience!?

What a weird dream I had! At one point I lived in a desert and was making out with Dave Franco. Then we went to some sort of an event and there were cameras everywhere. Oh and I performed at the show, with sand art.
Then I was back in my old school. We had a pedophile teacher who got us naked and take the ice bucket challenge. We did it outside and the whole football field was full of audience. (WTF? Why the cameras and audience!?)

Other than that, I'm supposed to be meeting up with the lad I'm supposed to get into a relationship with. Gahhh, I'm so so so nervous.

They have been really horrible

So... I don't know why I like twenties so much. They have been really horrible to me. As well as my teens and pre-teens. Maybe thirties will be good to me. But fuck, I will be 29 in two months!

Think I conquered it this time

Fuck the rich! I wanna have a nice house too.

Just went for a cycle outside of town. Near Lõuna-Keskus. Damn those rich bitches have nice houses. Yeah and all the while when I was looking at the houses I was fighting back my anxiety. Think I conquered it this time. Still managed to go outside of town and back without Valium. Point is, I can't even ride my bike without anxiety so any kind of career (= money for a bitchin' house) is out of the question.

potatoes on a high horse

I know this isn't a big deal and I'll never get to experience it for myself (not that I want to) but I just hate the audience at a fashion show. They sit there like fucking potatoes on a high horse with expressions of contemplativeness and bullshittery. Ugh!

fever and shit

Ouch. Just got stung by a hornet. Hopefully I won't get a fever and shit.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know I have stretch marks and a fat ass etc...

I win!

Phew, I think I survived my new pill. Took it about two hours ago. I don't think I had any side effects, just anxiety about them.

Yeah, received this letter on this dating website:

It's not like I haven't heard it before.
But anyway...have a guy coming over tonight. He seems to like me and he fills my criteria. :) I win!

Duloxetine

Huhhh, I'm a bit nervous. Talked to my shrink and we decided to try out this new pill - Duloxetine. I hope it won't have any horrible side effects. Will take it in the morning... well, that's when I'm supposed to take it. But I'll wake up in the evening so... Ughh... nervous.

crazy person going for a walk

Went for a walk with my mother on Monday evening. This is the result of a crazy person going for a walk:

Never mind my blue underwear... yeah I've got a bruise on my thigh from pinching myself to get my mind off anxiety. Ugh, I just don't understand my body. Like when I went mushrooming with mum, everything was okay and we went waaaaayy further away from home. And then on Monday we went for a little walk to the "birch trees" and I got anxiety. Just don't get it.

Spinnin' Around

Omg, I wanna learn this! :D I know the song is for kids but it's so happy and uptempo and puts me in such a good mood. Have liked it for years.

mushrooming

Ugh, I so didn't wanna get up this morning. But I did anyway, the second time my mother woke me. I had breakfast and was still sleepy. Then me and mum went mushrooming. Ah, I didn't even get anxiety. Liked it a lot.

The pink bucket's mine


Yeah then I painted the walls of one of our sheds. Yellow.
Speaking of yellow, I dyed my hair. Now it's more like my own natural colour. Don't wanna dye anymore...had my blonde moment and it's passed.


Oh and here's a random pic of Jossu I took today:

getting me a TV

Mother was just over for a few hours. We talked about getting me a TV. I know I know, I rarely watch it but my mother scared me with a horror story of my laptop breaking  down.
It would be nice to have the TV so I could watch the films late at night. That's all I'd want it for really. For films.

Yeah and mother's going to China on the 26th. Ahhhh... I might stay at her place for the time, cooking and cleaning the house. Will see.

TS04092014

We should start a story while we wait....

Waiting for cracked Sims 4.

Hahahahaaa!

I really am I liar

Okay. I really am I liar.
Was supposed to have a job interview today but didn't go. Chickened out.
Told my mother it's on tomorrow. Argh, I'm gonna have to lie to her and make up random facts about the interview. I'm just expressing my discomfort about my mendacity now and am sorry that I have to lie. I just don't wanna disappoint her.

I'm a liar

Ugh. Just got a bit of a bollocking from Ilme. She said I'm a liar. And that I have lied to her on several occasions. Yeah...I have not!
Thing is, I came to mother's place yesterday and told her I'd be back today, which isn't gonna happen. There was quite a bit of work to be done here at mother's so naturally I'm tired and don't have the strength to go back to town today. Told her I'm coming tomorrow. That is not fucking lying. I never know what I have to do when I'm at my mother's or how tired I will be. I didn't fucking promise Ilme that I'd definitely be back today, therefore I have never lied to her.
She's just so fucking paranoid about the water bill thingy. At the end of every month I have to write down the water indicator numbers... you know, the units that show how much water we've spent in that month. And you can send them in by the fifth of every month. So I dunno what the fuck her problem is. It's just that she doesn't get her way... there is no other reason. If she's so fucking worried noone's stopping her from doing it. The thing is that the water indicators are under the bathroom sink and she can't squat or bend down enough. Or that's what she says. I'm sure when I go to town tomorrow she'll be still pissed at me and will have done the water business.
Argh!!!!

I really don't wanna go back there

Well, I finally got around to it. I actually thought of writing sort of like memoires about my life in Ireland and my health through the years but...meh, just got the pics off my phone to tell a little story.


This one is taken a few days before I went to the madhouse. I'm at my dad's garden cottage. Still almost normal :D


This one is taken on my way to Tartu. Yeah, I went crazy and thought I'd get there on foot. Lol, seriously showing my crazy!
Yeah, I stayed in quite a few hospital rooms. Here's one of them:


Yeah, reading trashy journalism cause there was nothing else to do

My divine attire:

 

Oh and these pics are really rough:



I only had this shampoo for washing. For washing my hair, body and face. Yeah my face didn't like the shampoo hence the breakout and trolly look.

Oh man. I know I look skinny in those pics compared to now but I really couldn't eat a thing. I had so many  cookies and chocolates and fruits but yeah...it just wouldn't go down.




Then I took a bunch of pics of the nature around the hospital when I got the permission to go out. We normally stayed in this little garden:

Yeah, that's about it. :) I really don't wanna go back there.

book a date without a date

Oh my god! What dream I had!? I had a dream I was hanging out with the Kardashians. Was talking to Kendall and Kylie about modelling. And then we went to buy a wedding dress for me. I said I have no man but I have the wedding date and Kim said it's so her style to book a date without a date. Fucking weird! I'm afraid to go to sleep! :D Don't wanna dream about that family.

Nothing interesting has happened

Okay, I'm a little nervous. I won't be going to mother's place this weekend. That part is fine I guess. But she asked me to help her out at her store on Saturday. That part I'm worried about. I wouldn't mind helping out but I get bad anxiety in the store.
Yeah, life has been sort of okay. I've been feeling a little crappy when it comes to eating but I've rearranged my pills so I should be good now. On last Friday when I was at my mother's I discovered I had left one pill behind so on Saturday I biked to town and back. Wow, I was so tired. :D
Yeah that's about it. Nothing interesting has happened.
Been worried about my mother. She has high blood pressure, low hemoglobin and thick blood. Sheõs been feeling like crap. Worries me. Think she'll know the reason behind the high blood pressure next Tuesday.

It covers all areas of my life, it's entwined into every aspect of my life, it's the foundation of every bit of me

Okay...went for a bike ride in the rich part of the town again. And again, started thinking of how I'll never have a nice house like those there.
But then I thought some of my dreams have come true. Like, for instance, I was obsessed with Ireland as a... well not kid but a young teenager. And boom! I got to live there for 5 years. And while I was living there I was sort of "rich". As in, I always bought everything I wanted. There were no financial limitations. And I always had money left over every month so I could collect it. I spent about 400 euros on food, 400 on clothes and other stuff and more than 400 was left over.
Then I got myself a boyfriend I had wanted for years. And got my dream date with a guy. I think I've talked about this before on my blog, but I always wanted to go to an art gallery on a first date and I did it. It was with Stephen and we went to a museum and art gallery. Perfect! Then I always said I wanna go to a Vivaldi concert with a guy and me and Stephen did it together.
Then since graduation from secondary school I had always wanted to go to uni. I got to go twice, albeit I never finished the courses.
So... I've had some pretty great perks in my life. :)

Sad thing is, I don't have any more dreams. I've thoroughly succumbed to my illness. It covers all areas of my life, it's entwined into every aspect of my life, it's the foundation of every bit of me.

Too subtle me thinks

I just hate the way some men approach me on dating websites. This one's pretty horrid. Too subtle me thinks.
I especially like that I'm such. Never heard a compliment like that before.

edit at 23:10:

How charming! :D

Maybe it's a sign

So I feel so sick that I can't do anything. So I was just randomly picking on stuff in my room. I opened this drawer and I FOUND MY WICCA BOOK! It was lost for about two years.
I will totally bring it to town with me and read it.
Thing is...when I talked to this "Aleks" guy I joked I was religious and go to church everyday, he said he wouldn't go out with some crazy religious girl. Ha! I then said I'm not religious and I feel the same way. But now that I've found my book...I dunno man. Maybe it's a sign that I found it at my lowest.

Ughhhh...I dunno what it is that I feel sick at my mother's place. I never feel like that when I'm in town.
Ugh, I just have major discomfort in my tum, weakness and a bit of nausea. Uurrrghhh....so sick.

Going back to picking on random things in the room.

Russia vs America

Ahh...nothing like a good old flame war on the subject Russia vs America on a saturday night. On a Sims forum. :D

Plus for some reason I feel so sick today. Ughhhh!

"Yeah, I guess I’m just bad at it."

If anyone gets the That '70s Show reference, cool!

Yeah... I always disliked it when my mother would say Lauri cannot dust or mow the lawn cause he's just not good at it. It meant I had to do those things. But today, mother told me to peel the potatoes. It's not the first time she's complained about my peeling. I just said: "do it yourself then". And she did! Got out of it!

starring Nupi and Jossu

So this happened today. Had to create a new YT account to share the vids. Didn't really want to but oh well. I hope my mother and her man won't find out I uploaded videos of them. :D

tibu

Aw!

I really wish it would work out between us. It's been over four years since I was last in a relationship.

Bad for the health and bad for the wallet

What a great evening! It started with me going out to get matches for Ilme but I ended up biking outside town. I went down a road I had never gone before. On my way back I met Evelin and her man. It was their first time on the road aswell. Had a little chat.
And I also went to Kivilinna Konsum and didn't get anxiety. At all. Downside is, I bought junk food. Bad for the health and bad for the wallet.
Yeah...I feel good though.

Aleks

My first simmie made in the Sims 4 CAS demo. Strella Hone. (Strella - had a packed of Estrella crisps on my bed; Hone - had a phone on my bed).
Yeah... been chatting to "Aleks".
His name is not Aleks but I get it mixed up all the time and call him Aleks. Yeah, been chatting to him and making sims. I really hope my anxiety will back the fuck up and let me be in a relationship with this guy.


edit: is James Franco blond for real?! :D Still hot though. I'm evolving!

four shops

Yehh, went to four shops today: Konsum, Selver, Rimi and "the rumball shop". And for a ride in town. Got anxiety and shit but I did it. Without Valium. I think it's okay I can't go to shops cause I'd be wasting so much money on sweets. Ah, the Rimi that's across the street from me has so many different sweets it's unreal. I spent maybe a minute in the shop but I saw so many things I wanted to buy.

Yeah and I'm talking to this new guy about a relationship...will see how that goes.

surely there were other ways

OMG! Robin Williams died! I guess it's kinda good he got what he wanted but surely there were other ways out of the situation he was in.

lovely view

Even this can't ruin the lovely view of Franco for me. Although it is distracting :D Not in a good way, I'd like to add.

Once worn

Giving away my sweet skirt. UK size 10. Once worn. Back in the time when I lived with the Hynes/Taimre family in Ireland. Then my ass got too big for it.

If anyone's interested, leave your first name and email address below in the comments! :)

Tired

Oh man, I'm so tired! Tired of mowing the lawn and tired of feeling nauseous. Ugh! Haven't eaten much today but have mowed alot. I'd love to do something relaxing now but am too tired.

I wish sex was as simple as in Sims: woohoo or try for baby

Complaining ahead!
Second day of bad periods. I dunno actually if it's cause of the periods, weather or the fact that I take Mirtazapin every other day as opposed to every day. I just feel so nauseous and my stomach is making all sorts of noises. Because of my stomach troubles I'm thinking it's cause of my periods but I dunno really. Ugh.

Yeah, I've been talking to the guy I wanted to be in a relationship with, the one whose name start with an R. All he cared about was being able to have sex without a condom when we're in a relationship. Yeah...don't think that's gonna happen cause I don't want a baby just yet. Or ever. Like carry one myself. I don't wanna cut my tubes either cause it would be like fixing something that isn't broken. Ugh, I wish sex was as simple as in Sims: woohoo or try for baby. Will see how that works out.

anything but romantic

Ughh! I hate the space! It freaks me out. Just watched Vsauce's videos about space. I find the subject interesting and all but it scares me so much. I even hate looking at the night sky cause of all the stars. It's anything but romantic to me.
I don't care about aliens and shit but just the greatness and openness of space is terrifying. I just hate all the commotion going on in space, what with planets and stars and energies and shit. Fuuuuuccckk! Scary shit. I shouldn't have watched it before bedtime. I started feeling really dizzy cause of all the space talk, was so scared that was about to pass out. Ugh.
Science if fucking freaky.

Cute, but a dick.

I'm having crappy periods again. Quite literally lol :D Damn men, the lucky bastards!


Anyway... the family went to Latvia today. I was home alone. Cleaned up a bit.

Yeah I have nothing to say except I have quite a few films I should watch but I just cannot be arsed. I really wanna watch them but I'm just too lazy. It's horrible. And I have two James Franco books to read. I also do want to read them but can't be arsed.

Plus, I thought I had two guys I could have been in a relationship with but one of them got a girlfriend and the other one just wants sex I guess. I'm not too disappointed but yeah... guess no one will really wait for me.

Oh and this one guy...the hot one I've slept with a couple of times...he had enough of me always putting off our meeting. He called it dumb. Well, what's even dumber though is the fact that he agreed to be in a relationship with me and then didn't contact me for about two months. And when he finally did get back in touch he had no recollection of the relationship chat. What a dick. Cute, but a dick.

Yeah so I'll just wait and see what will happen with the one that just wants sex. I think his name's either Rando or Roland.

love, care and respect reasons

Okay, as I've said before, I'm in the middle of watching Friends. Yeah I'm waaay past the episode I wanna talk about but whatever I'll talk about it anyway. Don't remember what the episode was called but it was "the one" where Monica and Chandler were in a relationship and had a fight. Chandler thought it was the end of the relationship and Monica said it was just a fight and "welcome to a grown-up relationship" or something along those lines. Yeah, that's a load of bullshit. I say, the relationships you fight in are anything but grown-up. In a mature relationship you can handle misunderstandings and dissensions without a fight. And if you "fight" with your partner, then why the hell are yous still together!? I hate the sayings "fight for love" or "work on a relationship". It's aaaaalllll bullshit! It's a clear sign you're not supposed to be with the person you're with. Fights do not belong in a healthy relationship. Fights do not happen in a healthy relationship. And a relationship is definitely not something you "work on". If it doesn't come naturally, you're with a wrong person, there's nothing to fix. I know I've only had one boyfriend but as I said in my sex post I'd rather be single than be in a wrong relationship. Me and my ex never had fights. We were both normal mature people. I'd never be in a relationship with a person I didn't get along with. And if you love a person you respect them and wouldn't do anything to hurt them. So any kind of fight is just out of the question, for love, care and respect reasons.


TS07082014

Polish plums

See...I'm not racist! I'm consuming Polish plums. The purple one is yummy. The yellow one is a tad sour.

listening

Okay, I found another thing to complain about. Audio-books. I hate it when people are saying they're "reading" a book when they're actually listening to one. Like, when you listen to music you don't say you're reading music. Or when someone talks you're not saying you're reading their mind.
I'm not into reading story books like...but when you're listening to something then you're listening not reading it!

Yeah...anyway, I just got back from the graveyard. I worked on my grandmother and grandfather's grave. Was nice to kinda give back a bit since I believe they're with me a lot and help me through days copying with anxiety. Or maybe it's all in my head. At least I got out of the house and did something useful.

Then I talked to my dad and stepmom on the phone. Yeah I don't hate my dad but he did drive me crazy when we lived together, with his window business. Yeah I really regret not visiting my father's parents in Russia when they were still alive. My father tried to get me to go there for years, was always talking about me getting a passport. Why didn't I!?

Oh and I'm creating a new forum. I really really hope it'll be active.

good taste in women

me: why is he staring at me?
mother: he can't help having a good taste in women

:D

dead frog

Last night I felt this horrible stench near my bed. Couldn't figure out what it was so I ignored it. Just now, being on my bed, surfing the net, I could smell it again. I had this little plastic bag full of rubbish so I thought that was smelling. Picked it up. And there was a dead frog under it!!! It was all black and smelly. Now the thing is.... how the hell did it get into my room!? My room is on the second floor.
Weird.

It hit me a couple of days ago and earlier today but here it is, hitting me again.

Fuck. It just hit me again. It hit me a couple of days ago and earlier today but here it is, hitting me again. It's already august! That means autumn is on it's way, which is actually fine but that means winter is almost here! That's most definitely not fine!!! I so so so love the time we have now, okay maybe it's too hot, but I love how I can go outside in skimpy/short/tiny clothes. I hate packing myself in. And then I'll have trouble with moving around again on my bike. Ugh! Who likes winter anyways!?
Yeah...when it hit me earlier today, it was when I was eating this sweet apple. We have this apple tree which grows really really sweet apples. I don't ever really eat apples or even like them but I like these ones. When I was eating it I could smell it's...smell. And it reminded me of autumn and of how we rake all the rotten apples together that are laying on the ground.

Yeah and I'm thinking of deleting my Facebook page. Those "friends" I have there aren't really my friends. They're just people I used to know. Some people's behaviour really pisses me off on there.

Oh and I have this new lad... He's 20. Will be going to uni in Tartu this year.

Physical, with symptoms

So my anxiety comes up in conversations with people, randomly and not so randomly. Today when we were barbecuing I said something like "back in the day when I couldn't eat". And Lembit said, "Couldn't eat? We don't have teeth and you can't eat?"
Ughhhhhh!!!!! I know I'm ignorant myself but I just cannot stand it when people are ignorant to me.
The thing is...my anxiety used to really bad, so bad that I couldn't eat. The food just wouldn't go down, it felt like I was chewing on tasteless plastic. Everything was just revolting. My throat locked itself and I was unable to swollow. It's a common anxiety symptom.
And then Lembit was saying I have teeth so I should be able to eat.
I just hate hate hate how people treat mental illnesses. Even my stepmother who's a nurse says stuff like "you have your arms and legs, you can walk". Seriously!? I should be happy that I have arms and legs and can walk!? Should cancer patients be happy that they have arms and legs and can walk!? They mean that there is nothing "physically" wrong when you have a mental illness so you should not be complaining cause "physically" you're "healthy". Okay bitches, you want physical, you get physical. The receptors in the brain are not working properly, the chemicals in your brain are out of balance, that's the physical part of the illness, mental disturbances are just the symptoms. Should all the people with genetic, hormonal, blood diseases also not complain because they're "healthy" and they're "physically" okay!?
Why does Lembit stay home from work when he has a cold!? He has his arms, legs, teeth, he can walk, there is nothing physically wrong with him so why is he acting sick!?

Ughhhhhhh!!!! I just cannot stand this stupid idea that people have that mental illness is nothing. It's an illness, and can be a disability, like any other condition. Physical, with symptoms.


I got stung by a wasp today. Luckily didn't get a fever. :)

initiated and ended

Okay, I had this perfectly fierce rant in my head just now. Like... I love slutty women. I don't manipulate men with sex myself but I love the fact that I could if I wanted to. I have power over men with sex. I just love the sound of it.
Yeah... I just like... fucking. I'm not that much into sex but if I am then I just want to fuck not "make love". I don't believe in making love. I'll tell you what I believe in. I believe women who "make love" are with the wrong person. Love making is something human invented, fucking is a natural activity.
Like.... I just hate foreplay. What got me writing all this was a few letters...or should I say novels, some guys sent me on this sexy dating website. They describe the setting and stupid ass caressing, kissing and licking and shit. And I'm just like, dude you're barking up the wrong tree here. I cannot understand why anyone would need foreplay. Especially women. If you need foreplay you're with a wrong person. Like, what fuck!? Why would you need your "beloved" man to caress your leg for half an hour to get you into the mood!? If you love the man, you want sex any time, anywhere. It's so unnatural that the man has to set up this whole circus for his woman to have sex with him. Like, if he's so gross to you without foreplay, don't fucking be with him! Find someone you really want and love.
And I don't understand why slutty women are put down so much. Yeah yeah yeah... I know the whole double standard business of how men can do it and they're the man and when a woman does it it's bad, but that's not my point. Like....when you fuck someone, you're just giving them your body. But when you're in a relatiosnhip you're giving them your body, mind, soul, time, effort and everything else that goes into a relationship. So how is being slutty worse than being a serial dater!? Like, why is having sex out of a relationship worse than being in a relationship!? You give so much more of yourself being in a relationship than when you're having a one night stand. Like, I'd so much rather give my body to someone than be in random relationships that I know won't work out. I don't have the constant need to be with someone. I know I'm crazy but I'm normal enough to be on my own. I'm not that weak to have someone by my side the whole time. Women need to grow a spine and realise sex is okay.
Oh...and another thing that grinds my gears. I loathe it when women make out that it's the man's fault when they don't orgasm. The fuck!? Everyone is responsible for their own orgasms!!! Like, I don't cum everytime and it's okay. I can just fuck, I enjoy it. I didn't cum everytime I was with my boyfriend. That didn't mean I wasn't in "the mood" for sex or that he was bad. I just wasn't in the state to have an orgasm on...whichever level. Other times I came more than once.
So yeah...I mean I'm all about girl power but I love men too and I totally understand male carnality. Cut and dry. I'm like that myself. All natural, no made up shit about how sex is supposed to be initiated and ended.
I'm not saying "foreplay" isn't natural cause you see it in the animal world but to me, the way I see it, "foreplay" isn't a forced "romantic/positive" gesture, it's just the general happiness with the relationship, the sincere love and pure desire you feel for your partner and that is what should get you into "the mood" not fucking wine and candles (which by the way is bad for you. But it's okay, I like burining candles myself, not for sexual purposes though).

Phew! Got it off my chest and outta my pants! :D

Jossu the globetrotter

Okay...as I said in my previous post, my mother and her man went to visit his friend. He doesn't live that far away from us.
Anyway...I had wanted to bike past the friend's house for a long time but always put it off cause there's a household with a dog before. And when I go biking I always take our dogs with me. So there'd be an awful lot of barking and maybe even fighting. But today I got the dogs and biked down to the friend's (Heino) house. Was there for a few minutes. Talked about hair dye. And then came back home with the dogs. On our way back, Jossu, halted at one bend like he wanted to go back to Heino's. I had to call him to get him to move along with me. Anyway, we all got home.
Then! After a while, after being indoors, I went out and it was only Nupi outside. I called out for Jossu but he didn't respond nor did I see him anywhere. I got worried cause the dogs are very tight and always together. I even got on my bike and went down the bigger roads. Nothing to be seen.
Then I rang my mother and told her Jossu was missing. And! She said Jossu was with them. Like, what. the. actual. fuck!? I cannot believe he went down there all by himself. How did he remember how to get there!? :D He has never ever gone so far on his own. I'm not worried anymore but what the...!? I'm just baffled.

a moving car

Oh my! God! I was just in a moving car. Granted, only for a few seconds but still. Mother and Lembit went to his friend's place and I sat in the car with them for the time they left our yard and went onto the "big" road. Oh man, I didn't get anxiety and it made me feel so happy. I felt like I wanna go on a looong roadtrip but I know I couldn't handle it. Ah man....I sat in a moving car! I haven't done that in years!
I know it might sound lame to healthy people but yeah... it was amazing! I felt like I really missed travelling by car.

Yeah and I wriggled my way out of weeding by hand. Have to hoe weeds now. It's a little better anyway.

And my brother went to the shop, by foot, not on my bike. And he said he would buy me either blue cheese or crisps. Mmm...I hope he does.

be more cultural

Heh...my mother is trying to be more cultural and has ordered these classical music CDs. :D
She hasn't listened to them yet but I'm planning to go through them all tomorrow. I already listened to the Vivaldi disc cause he's my man!

Ugh...so I'm at my mother's place and this weekend I have to weed. I'd so much rather mow the lawn. :(

Yeah...I think I'll watch a film now.

Oh and here's a selfie from today:

Also...having my little brother and his friend on my FB friend list is kinda...agonising. Their conversations are so pointless and ridiculous.

I'm so pathetic

Oh my god, I'm so pathetic! I keep dreaming of how I wanna shag Franco and yet I turn down a guy who would actually sleep with me. I will never ever even meet James, so I dunno what the fuck I'm doing not putting out to this perfectly normal and nice guy. Ughhhhhhh! I gotta meet up with him next week!

Yellow

Ahh...bleached my hair. It's sort of getting to the colour I want. Yeah a bunch of selfies to show it off and to just show off.

 The last pic is a fail :D I was about to take a photo and the sun shone right into my eyes, so it's not posed. I know my hair is yellow and blah blah blah but I wanna be blonde.
Yeah and here's what I did today:

Painted the shed door yellow. Like my hair :D

And Lembit finished our new DIY grill/oven thingy:

Whichs also seems to be yellow. Ha!