Terrible night

Seriously, this must have been the coldest little fucker yet.
I was shaking all through the night.
Had the electric blanket on, boyfriend next to me, hood and socks on - no use.
On top of that, I felt sick.
Started last evening.
Couldn't eat, although me and my boyfriend got a delivery - Thai food.
He was stuffed.
Oh I got some Christmas presents off him.
Didn't feel like receiving Christmas presents, felt more like birthday.
Anyway, I got three films, a Westlife album and a fragrance.
The films: Semi-Pro, which neither of us had seen before.
We watched it last night, but fell asleep. Will have to watch it again.
Then Old School Unseen, which he has seen and I guess he liked it. Haven´t seen that one myself.
And then Tropic Thunder, which we went to see in cinema.
I love watching films over and over so it´s good he got it. I liked the film a lot.
I had told him he can get DVDs for me or Westlife´s new album.
I haven´t listened to it yet, but I like What About Now and I´ve liked Westlife forever so... very pleased.
Plus, the fragrance is Versace Woman. I was actually kind of surprised by that.
Boyfriend was joking that I look really young and the fragrance is kind of...for older women.
"Late twenties" as my boyfriend said and he made out that I look young and Woman is for older women so it balances me out. He was only messing, but I´m thinking he could be right.
I think he said I look like a young woman and smell like an old one now. :D

I got actually kind of worried that I cannot afford that many presents for him and he said it´s okay, cause I´ve a lot going on with hospitals and stuff and I deserve to be spoilt.

Don´t think I will see him this year anymore. He will go home to be with his family.
Anyway, I have three films and some new music to consume. I´ll be okay.
Think I will light a fire in the fireplace though, cause the house is too cold.
Hell, I could see my breath 15 minutes ago in my room.

Yeah, I´ll just pluck up the courage to go out to the cold and buy me something nice to eat.
I´d actually love to go for a walk, haven´t left the house in weeks.
Oh that reminds me - I don´t like it when I have a boyfriend and friend type of people ask me to go out to meet some men.
And when I tell them I have a boyfriend they´re like "Oh, but he´s cheating on you anyway", "So what!", "but the new lad is as big as a horse". That kind of bribing is very disrespectful.
When I have a boyfriend I have A boyfriend!

Absolutely ballistic

Right, today was the day that pretty much determined whether I will see tomorrow or not.
Had my first almost proper endoscopy today.
Was super nervous in the morning.
Watched Nemo all night and then slept for about and hour.
Got to hospital and started crying.
Usual stuff.
Cause of the nurses saw I was such a wreck I was given a bigger doze of sedation.
Felt my head go wheeeee...one of the nurses went, "You can feel it?"
I smiled and said, "Yeah" then opened my eyes and I was in the ward.
Neck was sore.
Asked a nurse if I had had it done.
She said no, cause I freaked out.
Was disappointed.

Didn´t feel to dizzy or weird.
Went to toilet, walked by a nurse.
Had four toasts with strawberry and orange jelly. Butter, tea, milk.
Later on the doctor came in to talk to all the patients about their sessions and results.
Think there was about 6, 8 people in the ward.
Doctor MD said he got in with the camera and all, but halfway through I woke up.
Said I went "absolutely ballistic".
And that I had mad strength and pulled the tube out of my stomach and that him and two nurses had to hold me down to control me. :D
I cannot remember any of it. Luckily.
Anyway, he said he only needed three more minutes to see the bottom of my stomach and because of me he didn´t see it.
He also said I really didn´t like something sitting in the back of my throat.
Damn right.
To be fair, before they started I told them I need to be fully asleep, cause if I see the camera or feel it go down my food pipe I´d freak out and have a panic attack.
So they were warned.

And I also had a little chat with the man next to me.
He had seen me brought in form the operation room.
He said that I was blabbing nonsense and wouldn´t lay down as the nurses told me.
Said I kept sitting up in bed and going bla bla bla...all drugged looking.
Can´t remember any of that either.
A bit embarrassing. :D

Anyway, think I finally had the thing done around 10 o´clock and I woke up conscious around 13:30.

Um, I don´t actually know now what I have to do or what my diagnosis is.
The doctor said stomach seemed to be okay based on as much as he saw.
He thinks I might have IBS like many other doctors before.
So he wants to check my intestines.
So around February I have to go back and have endoscopy simultaneously with colonoscopy.
Luckily I will have full on sedation then.
I´m not too nervous about it at the minute cause despite going mad during the session today I cannot remember anything, so I´m eagerly waiting for that appointment.


- Doctor MD said that when he was still learning to be a doctor he was put in a room with two other doctor students and the endoscopy camera and they had to perform the procedure on each other without any sprays or sedation. Like, once one was finished with you, they´d take the camera out and you´d do it on another student. Mad stuff.

- About colonoscopy. I was talking to a girl I´m living with about this and apparently they give you some powder for diarrhea the day before the procedure. And she said that someone she knows practically sat all day and night in toilet. :D Ooh fun times! Said the person had to go for a poop even after a cup of tea.

Nervous now

I´m up, cannot sleep.
Tomorrow, well...this morning is freaking me out.
So scared.
Endoscopy.
Fasting now.
I cannot wait ´til Tuesday when everything is over.
Creating different layouts for my blog with this one programme.
Hopefully I can buy the full thing and install the templates here.
And I´m really disturbed cause of Brittany.
That is so scary.
When Michael Jackson died, I just shrugged it off like...meh.
Cause he was sick looking anyway with his skin and face.
Brittany was a young chirpy woman, you wouldn´t think such a thing can happen.
And it made me worry about my health now as well. More than usually.

Brittany Murphy passed

Oh what sad news.
Hope it´s not because of some "funny stuff".

Scared senile man

Wow. At first when I saw this video, I got kind of annoyed. But the man just kept saying these well...mindless things, so eventually it gets really ridiculous. By his reasons you can see what makes him so hostile. He obviously hasn´t been treated well by white people. But his biggest enemy is his own mind. I´m sure his own up bringing and attitude have a lot to do with his bad experiences. There´s no way I want to kill a black person. In his case I´d like to send him to a madhouse or a psychiatrist. His wife obviously isn´t an adequate psychologist or in an appropriate state of mind to be leading some psychologist group.
And as for white people killing the black people...um did the white folks go to Africa and give the locals there AIDS? I think he makes out that black people are "the weak ones", on a lower intellectual level. Basically saying that they´re too stupid to survive and the only way to live is to get rid of the enemy on a very primitive level - killing the white people.
Not only is he unfair toward the whites, he also disrespects "his own kind".
Thank god he´s just a writer - the little engine that thought it could.
If Obama started to say things like that, then yes I might take up the hobby of killing black people, cause I too have a bit of racism in me, toward America, thanks to Bush. Yeah, that bastard is killing everybody, but he sure doesn´t represent every american or every white person in the world. As well as the white people treating that man or his friends badly don´t rule the minds of every other white person in the world.
Anyway, I think there´s plenty of successful and powerful black people in the world and the man should realise this. Why go back to the primitve level and kill everybody? I know that the levels he mentioned hurt people a lot worse than an actual killing killing, but it is on those levels that people get success and power as well as a lot of positive things without the stresses an worries. I´m not trying to do some crazy deep preach here, just saying the man is lost in his tiny angry black world. If you have a bad attitude toward someone on a personal level, then you´re gonna get back hurt on a personal level. And if he wants to call people names then well, he´s the nigger. White folks are crackers. Well, it goes like this by his definition. Anyway, I don´t really care about the colour of skin that much. There have been quite a few pricks at my work palce, customers. But generally I don´t even think about it. I so much rather dislike this other nation. :D Hahaha, okay I won´t mention anything here.
I swear I´m trying to avoid those people. I have a valid reason for not liking them, but I will never go on TV and start wondering out loud how to get rid of them. First, like the old man in the video I´m in no position to air something as hateful as him and it´s not gonna change anything in other people´s lives. You just make yourself look sad and idiotic, so...
I love everybody!

Nursing

Wow, what a day!
Boyfriend came over on Thursday night.
Was over on Friday and went out with work crowd.
Got back to my place last night around 3 o´clock.
Hammered.
Was weird and scary.
Had a bad hangover today.
But I loved it.
Couldn´t really take care of him cause there wasn´t much I could do, but it did feel nice to nurse him.
Well, I did go to the pharmacy to get him tablets for head and stomach.
And I loved the cuddling aswell, better than the regular cuddle.
Felt super sorry for him, cause he was so sick.
I even said sorry for the time I texted him "It´s your own fault, you brought it on yourself. I´m not gonna feel sorry for you" as an answer to his text "I have a bad hangover" he had sent some other time. It was very insensitive of me that time.
I guess hangover is a bad enough punishment, no need for someone to give out aswell.

Hmh, had me thinking about what I said about drugs and people who take them. Illegally.

R <3 xxx

What a boring day!

Yeah, haven´t done anything since I got up at 12.
Oh, bought more Motilium.

Been perving over Kevin - found some nice pics.








(If anyone can tell me what he has in his hands in the water pic, I´d be glad to hear it :D)

Mm. Yum.

Oh and here´s a song I like at the minute:
Buckcherry - Anything

Load of bollocks

Gah, so I tried my best to stay super calm.
Started fasting since 3 at night.
Waited until something past 5 this evening to see the doctor.
Was told that endoscopy is only done on Mondays.
Um yeah, I was sent 2 letters with today´s date, time and endoscopy on it.
What kind of idiots work in that hospital?
Was prescribed Nexium tablets, that are very very expensive.
That reminds me that I have to get my medical card done.
Okay, as of now, my next endoscopy appointment should be on next Monday at 8:45.
Just took a Motilium tablet the doctor prescribed aswell.
Waiting a few minutes and then I can finally eat!

Today´s the day

Yeah, I´m worryingly calm.
We´ll see what I´m like once I get to the hosptial.
Think I´m relaxed cause I have a bit of self control, over myself aswell as the situations I get into.
I don´t have to do anything I don´t want to and noone can do things to me I won´t let them do.
I know I need to do it, so...hopefully it´ll be okay.
I´m starving though. Been fasting since 3 o´clock at night.
Boyfriend just texted, wished me best of luck.
Said he found Nemo. :D
Well, that was my DVD and it was missing. He had it, packed away in some bag.
Oh well, hopefully I´ll get out of it alive and when I do then hopefully not scarred for life.

Okay so, off to take shower and get ready for my endoscopy.

Kevin

Oh, I meant to talk about this quite a while ago, but here I am only now so...here goes:
I think Kevin McHale is hot. I know I have a boyfriend but it´s not like I´ll ever do anything with Kevin, you know like...meet him, see him in person. Besides I happen to know my man likes Rihanna and Cheryl Cole and I believe some other people with boobs, so...

Anyway, Kevin McHale is super hot: short, kind of dark haired and from what I have seen - decent bodied.
He´s an American actor and a singer.
Been on some TV shows and in a band.
His latest piece of work is on Glee.
Yeah and the show got 4 Golden Globe nominations today, so woooo! Congratulations to the people working on the show. Maybe it gets even better and they win. ;)
The show is about secondary school pupils and their problems and songs and dances and other people´s problems. :D
In very short so.

Glee on Youtube - check it out, Kevin´s singing there. Somewhere.

And the first glimpse of him I got was in this little number:
Ahh...wub!

Anyways, I´m always going on about him, but I´ll try to leave it within this post only.

I think I did a pretty good job at keeping it clean, cause he sure is a handsome citric acidic and fructose sugary of an oxytocin bomb.

Tomorrow.

Right, haven´t been updating for a while.
Life has been boring.
Been stuck in the house and turned 24.
Did nothing on my birthday, maybe felt sick.
Got money from bf and father and socks from a friend.

Been out of money as usual.
Couldn´t afford to pay for the course.
Did go a few times, very...powerful experiences.

Have had reiki done on me. Also powerful.
Lovely Lady C is a very warm person and makes me feel nice, after the cramps in legs, waves all over the body, sharp pains in certain body parts, sicky feeling in stomach from all the energy, of course.

Been surviving on Ulcid tablets. Woo hoo!
Who doesn´t like taking pills every day?

Anyway, what got me writing today is the fact that I have gastroscopy tomorrow.
Hm.
Scary.
But will see.


And another thing, I´d like to dedicate a special thank you to Virgin Mary and Ixchel.
I´m so not a religious person, but wow! I can feel the loooove.
And my lovely crystals aswell. Everyone and everything that has been nice to me. :)
It came out naturally although I was kind of told to send out love and positive energy.

Sincerely.

TSD7

Course

Started a course of psychology and some holistic stuff.
Should be fun and it certainly is interesting - got me thinking of metaphysical things.
So far I've learned that talking doesn't really solve your problems, you need to get your energy cleansed.
And I can't remember the word for word definition, but it sounded nice and spiritual and a little like this: A human is put on Earth as a healer of themselves first and then live amongst others as their healer. Sounds good so.
The only thing that kind of bothers me is that the other people taking course talk about god.
I don't believe in any of them.
I was told to think of a guardian or an angel then, but I don't really believe in those either.
I believe in energy. They also mentioned higher self and sort-of-a-higher-self.
Guess I have to go with my higher self so.
Have to sort of meditate and do reflexology on myself.
The hypnotherapist who heals me and leads the course, said I've a gift.
Apparently I'm an expert at reflexology. Think it was that.
Next year we should get specialists in to discover our own special holistic qualities and talents.
Then I'll know for sure.

On another note, life has been boring.
Should be going back to work next week, three months of sick leave is over.
We'll see how that goes.
Boyfriend's been here and gone.
The last time I saw him, nothing hurt. Twice.:)

Oh and my birthday's coming up soon.
Want stuff.
The Sims 3 World Adventures will be out exactly on my birthday.
Want that and some RAM.
Plus I need woolly socks, a woolly hoodie, woolly slippers.
And I wouldn't mind if I got the first, second or third season of That 70's Show. Have the rest, except the 8th - that's without Topher so don't need it.:D

Right, off now.

Oh, started my period early again, on the 9th. What's up wih it? The cold weather? Climate change? Recession? George Bush?

Like Demi on a record, but not live.

Diagnosis

Was diagnosed with a reflux disease.
Based on the barium meal so.
Have to take pills for the rest of my life.
Not to heal the condition, but to ease the symptoms.
There's no remedy - have an anatomical problem which can't be fixed even with an operation.
Bascially the food pipe muscles are too weak to hold the food and acid in my stomach, so I get heartburn, discomfort, pain, gagging throughout the day, every day...for the rest of my life.
I swear to...something super-important sometimes I want to get out of my body so much.

Plus, the sex this morning is giving me tummy troubles.:(
Could be the chinese I had last night that's making my tummy ache.
Well, it gave a bad stomach to my boyfriend.
Hmh, not fun, especially if you don't have toilet paper in the house.:D

Oh, I have been using this beauty lamp for spots on my face.
Skin looks better or different but it's only early days.
Got my tooth fixed. Good stuff. Was really proud of myself for not being nervous or scared of the dentist.

Just an update for myself with appointments...again:
2nd of October at 18:00 hypnotherapist
Breath test - Wednesday 11th November 2009 at 09:00
psychiatrist on 17th November 2009
Dr. at hospital - Wednesday 16/12/2009 at 15:30
January 2009 lady doctor
March 2009 dentist check up

Blah, nothing interesting so. Just health stuff.

The inner girl

Woohoo, went out.
Was kind of boring and felt a bit icky. But!
I didn't really dress up or make an effort.
Until I got to my friend's house.
She has like fuckloads of shoes and dresses/skirts/tops etc.
And they were all gorgeous!!!
I've never been the one to make a fuss about all that stuff but it was just too colourful and glitzy not to get excited.
So I went through my friend's press (read: treasure chest) and put together loadsa different outfits and had the girly panic where I didn't know what to wear.

Anyway, I went for this top, skirt ( front/back), the lovely shoes (friend got them for Christmas, so she calls them Snowflake Shoes). And that's little old me (fuzzy, I know. Friend took it with my phone. She had a date comin' up, so was nervous).

Yeah, went out so, talked to some airport man.
Didn't get into a nightclub, cause I didn't have my ID with me.
God, I'm nearly 24!!
Friend liked her date. Seemed like a nice guy.

Wing man

Went to have the barium meal done so.
Wasn't too bad, but had a sore throat at the time and the mix irritated it.
Didn't have anxiety management, just talked to my psychiatrist.
He was surprised I hadn't had any of those sessions since the last time we met.
Um, yeah mate, you're the one who's managing the whole thing.
Told my friend I tried to kill myself - she found a counsellor for me and is paying for sessions, cause she doesn't want to organize my funeral.
First time - 2nd October 2009 at 18:00
Plus
GP Monday 28th September 10:30 (getting the results of barium meal)
Dentist on Monday 28th September 10:45 or 13:45
(Damn a sweet destroyed my tooth - it just fell apart)
Seeing the psychiatrist on 17th November 2009 (Yes, on my birthday)
Breath test - Wednesday 11th November 2009 at 09:00
Dr. at hospital - Wednesday 16/12/2009 at 15:30

Blah - haven't seen my boyfriend for quite a while.
The last time I saw him (Sunday) I wasn't in pain.;):D

Should go out tonight.
To be a wing man to my friend - she's meeting a lad for the first time and is nervous.
Not in the mood to blog really, just a few updates for myself.

Oh and I started taking a few spoonfuls of Extra Virgin olive oil daily. Think it's helping a bit.
And I'm eating baby food instead of normal food. Everything else just makes me feel poo-y.

Thumbs down

Feeling shitty.
Finished my Mastika capsules, Pantup and Manuka honey a few days ago.
So, going back to feeling sick constantly.

Watchmen

Boyfriend came over last night.
Finally watched the film Watchmen.
Didn't really like it. Best bit was naked Dr. Manhattan.
Other than that - forgettable.

Some days ago I bought What Happens In Vegas and The Devil Wears Prada (only cause they were the best choices in the 5 euro a film section).
Vegas was kinda crappy - was expecting something better from of Cameron and Ashton.
Prada wasn't too bad - Meryl Streep is a super good actress and Anne Hathaway is a very good looking girl.
Oh and a friend gave her DVD to watch - The Red Violin. Now that's a different film. I would actually recommend it.

Yeah that's about it.

Oh, have to keep track of my pains for the lady doctor - no pains during the two rides last night.:) Haha!

Wings

Jesus, what a day.
I feel like such a rookie when it comes to periods even though I've been having them for a decade.
I've been leaking 'bucketfuls' cause I can't afford pads with wings.
I don't support tampons - they're scarily bacterial infection-friendly.

Had to come home twice when out on town to change trousers.
Went to Social Welfare with my doctor's cert. Money's on it's way!
Talked to my boyfriend last night. He rang me.
I texted him 'No' as a reply to 'Are you OK?'
Damn, I miss him.
Once again he doesn't seem to understand it.
Said I must be crying cause I'm 'bored or something'.
Ugh. Sure.

I can't believe I missed yet another appointment. Was for thyroid x-ray.
So, just a note for myself with upcoming appointments:
Barium meal - Monday 21/09/2009 at 09:30
Anxiety management - 22/09/09 at 10.00 or 10.45
Breath test - Wednesday 11th November 2009 at 09:00
Dr. at hospital - Wednesday 16/12/2009 at 15:30
(Plus hopefully a new appointment for thyroid and a meeting with a woman who heals with hands)

(TE)

Rubbish

God, I hate drugs!
Okay, I'm supposed to be taking tranquilizers and antidepressants - legal drugs, like.
I'm supposed to take them to heal my sick head.
I just don't understand how people can use that illegal crap for fun, like.
Means they're sick in the head all the time.
Selfish bastards - I'll never support anyone who's trying to quit.
Their drug-taking isn't the issue, it's their stupidity.
And it's so not my or anyone else's but the fucker's problem that they didn't educate themselves.

And I just found out someone close to me has been taking drugs recently.
I knew that they have in the past, but...yeah ...major disappointment.

Bloody

Right so.
Was supposed to start my periods next week around the 18th.
Went to see the lady doctor today.
'Hop on the table,' said the doctor as I took my pants down and went, 'Oh no, I started my period!'
Oh well, could be the reason of painful pleasure.
Have to keep track of pains for 4 months then go back.
If I notice any pattern in between I can take painkillers before riding.
Like I plan that kinda thing!
Well, a good start would be with me - check, my man - er...
Wherever he is. Haven't been able to talk to him, since he's too busy.
Doesn't even reply my texts. Whatever.

Oh and I'm wondering what to do with the barium meal appointment.
I was supposed to ring them on the first day of my period, but only from Monday 'til Friday.
Oops, I kinda started on a forbidden day.


Besides waiting for a reply from my boyfriend all day, I also went for a walk.
Mm...I just love the countryside.
If there hadn't been sheep poo and thistles, it would have been perfect.
Super sunny and hot out - wore a tank top sort of a top.
About a week ago I was walking around with a woolly jacket and a scarf.


TS12

Recipe

Okay, I wrote and saved a draft (a small part of my last post) on 28th of August, but I posted my last update a few minutes ago. ;)

Anyway, I'm an incredibly crappy cook. But I did prepare something lovely a few days ago.

Right so - I don't know where people might get them things I used but if you live somewhere where there's Tesco, you're in luck. Ha! :D They sell them stir-fry pouches/packets.

Anyway, what you need:
Stir-fry green beans
Stir-fry green peas
Baby corn
Bean sprouts
Mushrooms (Champignons)
Knorr's White sauce
Big Al's roast chicken fillet (add flavour by using Schwartz' or Santa Maria's seasoning for chicken)
(You can cook potatoes with it aswell)

Stir fry the veg, cook the chicken in the oven. When the veg is done, put the sauce on it and cook it for a few minutes. Make sure there's more of the veg than the sauce (it's just yummier).
Yeah, when it's done...you're done. Bon appetit!

Very simple and not much of a recipe, but I liked it a lot.

Clean and clear poop

Wow, what mad few weeks I've had.
Was in hospital for three days.
Sat around forever - did urine test, blood tests and an x-ray.
Yep, everything came out fine as usually.
Was told I might have ulcers, gastritis or hernia hiatus.
First was told that ulcers are caused by H. Pylori bacteria.
Had to take two tablets of Klacid and another two tablets of Flagyl a day.
Plus Gaviscon three times a day and Zoton twice a day.
The two last ones didn't help at all.
The two first ones I took for one day only cause antibiotics make you very sick.
As I've said before - I feel sick as it is, don't need to take any medicine to make me feel bad.
Saw another doctor - said the ulcers could be caused by stress and not bacteria - but still made me take antibiotics that are for eradicating bacteria.
Spoke yet to another doctor - said I shouldn't be taking antibiotics if I don't have a proper diagnosis based on proper tests - at last someone with a little sense in their head.
Scrapped all the medicine.
Went to nature shop and GP.
Okay, if you're ever desperately sick, always turn to our lovely Mother Earth.
Bought two weeks supply of Mastika capsules (three capsules twice a day) and Manuka honey with them. Super soothing and no side effects what so ever.
GP gave me a PPI in a tablet called Pantup - not a natural thing so feeling sick and diarrhea are expected, but at least it's helping.
Anyway, been off work for about two months and nothing has been done by doctors to suss me out.
GP sent a letter to hospital about barium meal, endoscopy and told them it was urgent.
Yep, been waiting for two weeks...and will be waiting even more.
Okay, I received a letter about barium meal - that's the radioactive drink stuff - I was told to ring them up on the first day of my period to make an appointment. Okay!
Should be next week so.
Oh and yeah had a very low point aswell - tried to kill myself - felt too sick to live.
Talked to a psychiatrist in hospital - yeah, I've told the same story about my poor health about a million times and nobody gives answers. I don't need ears that listen to my problems, I need a clever mind to understand it and a kick in some doctor's arse to make things moving towards my good health.
Yeah, had been waiting for a few months for an appointment with a psychologist - for anxiety management.
Yeah, airhead me forgot about it. Well, messed up the date. Have to wait another two weeks now - not too bad.
Oh and got a call from another hospital - about an appointment for a breath test - they'll send a letter with the time and all. They just didn't have my last name and birth date.

So, in short -
*Have a barium meal coming up soon
*Breath test
*Anxiety management
*Gynecologist on Saturday (lower tummy and back aches during and for hours after sex aren't fun nor pleasurable)

On another note - my boyfriend moved out of my house, in with his college friends.
Hasn't been too bad - although today when he came over he said I looked 'terrible'. Thanks, I like you too.
Oh well, I hadn't slept all night - had a one off last night: felt sick again since getting a lot better.
Oh and I ran out of Clearasil's Blackhead Removing Scrub Yoke and bought some Clean & Clear poop (cause the pharmacy selling that was closer than the Clearasil selling one).
Meaning - my skin's a mess thanks to that clean and clear poop.
So yeah, I've been looking terrible, I know.

Sick

Right so.
Boyfriend returned at 2 at night - surprise!
He was sick with flu - me with...whatever.
Super sick - think it's hunger pains or something.
Can't eat - feel sick. Don't eat - feel sick. Eat - feel sick.
Today's better than yesterday.
Been really nice being with boyfriend, though.
Mm...:)
Think we're gonna watch Watchmen when he comes back from work tonight.
Heard it's good.:)

Money and disappointment

Right so - have had money 'flooding' in.
Social welfare illness benefit plus finished bank loan.

Mind has been taken over by personal...disappointments.
Boyfriend came back from holiday but is staying at his mother's house.
He picked up something while on his holiday.
After I had talked to him on the phone I rushed out to buy strawberry yogurt for him, orange juice (the Kelkin one), Lemsips, the film Watchmen (that we were going to see in cinema, but had been taken off before we got there).
Yeah, he was at his mother's house and I bought the stuff for him anyway.
God damn, when he was away I was missing him sick and since he's been back I've been worried sick about him.
Literally, like.
I haven't slept for...nights and been feeling super sick and been for walks in the middle of the night in the pissin' rain (that's to ease the sickly feeling).
Ugh, I swear, I'm missing my soul out.
Or whatever it is that makes the mankind function and alive.
He doesn't seem to be too fazed that I'm on the verge of obsession here.
Hopefully it's the illness that's causing the un-boyfriendly 'attitude'.

Oh, hung out with a friend a few days ago.
She brought me chicken-broccoli-leek-potato soup, sweets and medicine.


Been amazed by lovely Cara Dillon again. Cara Dillon is the voice.
Garden Valley
And ever so hypnotizing Fill fill a Rún Ó


I was super happy to find Fill fill a Rún Ó in my violin book. Yeah but playing it I start feeling super sad 'cause it has this heart wrenching sound to it.

I'll leave it at that for this time...

Boyfriend...

...went on a holiday. To Spain.
Sort of crashed his car - not good.
Had to pay for new parts with drinking money for holiday.
The car crash - not so bad.
If he's going to be steaming drunk and then badly hungover then he better be so over here - at home.
Anyway, when he comes back next Sunday, he'll be here for 3 days then leave, comes back for 5 days, then moves out.
Yay...not really.

Been eating waaay too much of crappy food - burgers, pizzas, crisps, sweets, chips.
Two days ago I had six packs of salt'n'vinegar crisps. Tsk tsk!

Been feeling a bit dizzy - periods today. Apparently other girlfriends don't show as much of their discomfort and talk as much about periods.

Been playing too much folk - forgetting the classical on the violin.
Saw an ad for Christmas sale in England!!! - got me playing Away In A Manger, Hark! The Herald Angels Sing, Silent Night and some other Christmassy ditties.

Yummy day.

Jesus, I've lost track.
Well, spent time with my boyfriend.;)
Got waaayy too hot for three nights in a row.
Must be ovulating.
Or somebody set up the heating for the wrong time of the day.

Watched The Shawshank Redemption again.
A.M.A.Z.I.N.G.
Also recommend Platoon.

Spent time with a friend today.
Not the one who I borrowed money from.
(Oh yes, he gave me 500) :)
Went to Subway for the first time today.
Went to Pizza Hut for the first time today.
Had a bread yoke with turkey, pickle, cheese, lettuce and sweet onion sauce. Yum!
Took a bite off of friends Pizza Hut cookie. I swear, there's no cookie like Pizza Hut cookie. Yum yum!

Game Stop man said Mystery Case Files: Ravenhearst doesn't come for PC.
Of course it doesn't - I bought the game today.
Practising for Play TV now. ;)

Okay The Hypocrite sent me an email.
'Stick with your people. Call me.'
Um, yeah, The Hypocrite never supported me, especially when I needed money.
Not going to spend other people's money on ringing that 'three dots'.
Oh my Dad sent me money aswell. Yay. Good daddy.
Will pay him back though.
Not greedy, just needy.

Been listening to Disney pop, so my picks:

Demi Lovato & Selena Gomez - One And The Same


Miley Cyrus - Girls Just Wanna Have Fun

Been a few days

Right - went to my GP. Lovely man.
Got my certificates for work and social welfare.:)
Will do the rest next week.

Oh took an antidepressant last night, my first ever :
- blurry, jumpy vision
- nausea for the whole night
- shaky body
- strong pressure and pain in the head
Yep, feeling better already!
No need for the rest three packs of them.

Will have to drink some radioactive stuff for ultrasound instead of some doctor making me gag for half an hour by ramming a bloody camera in tube down my throat.
Supposedly it's like a salty smoothie.

Been doing fuck all.
Boyfriend's gone for the weekend.
I am getting better at my violin, though.;)

Oh and I'm absolutely out of money.
Asked a friend for a loan of 50. He was so nice and thought he'll give me 500.
Will see how that goes - meeting him tomorrow or Monday.:)

Doctor

So I went to see the doctor.
Lost weight - now 49 kilos.
Blood tests.
Endoscopy that I'll never do.
Antidepressants that I'll never take.
Considering homeopathy.
Expensive - 80 euro a session.
Seeing GP tomorrow.

Did have sex this morning though:)

Oh and felt sick all night, What Dreams May Come kept me company.
Three times.

Right off to mix protein powder with banana-kiwi juice.

Conversation

Oh god, just remembered - talked to my ex yesterday.
On msn.
How annoying is it, when you don't like a person in a romantic way and don't want to have anything to do with them cause of your romantic past, but your conversations just have that magic flow?!
I hate talking to other men, especially an ex, when in a relationship - feel like I'm cheating on the current man.
Well anyway, now I know my ex has loadsa naked pictures of himself, he's dating some rich girl and that he's been to hospital with some unpleasant things.
Didn't really want to know any of it.

Went for a walk

Yeah if you don't go out much and then one day you do, you end up with a cold sore.
My body's not used to the wind.
Walked for one hour...along the town streets.
I have a massive fear that's keeping me on streets - crossing bridges.
Can't go for a walk on the countryside, cause this town is kept off from the rest of the world by this stupid river.
I swear to um...god, if I had to cross any of them bridges by myself I'd have a panic attack.

Yeah, had the weird buckwheat porridge yesterday again and this morning as well - think the E621 in it is making me feel all boo hoo.
So that means no naughty stuff has been going on - even though things were leading that way.;)

Today's a lovely rainy day - might clean up the house. It's smelly.


Good things:

• Doritos corn chips - tangy cheese flavour

Hmm...come to think of it, I had two packs yesterday, that could've made me feel sick.

• Edward Maya - Stereo Love ( Vika Jigulina's vocals)

Company

Right so, my boyfriend came home last night, around 11 or so.
Watched TV.
Sort of having a habit of going to bed at decent hour lately.
Woke up to sex this morning, which was finished off with a BJ.:)
Mm...cum shots! Hahahaaa
Going to take a shower and think about what to do today.

Goings-on

On a personal note - waiting for my man to come home.
Will waste another sunny day in my computer screen beams.
Ooh, just had chicken flavoured buckwheat porridge - not sure what to make of it.

Strings!

God, how I love Antonio Vivaldi!
I'm really loving his Double Cello Concerto RV531 Allegro at the minute.
Also Flute Concerto Op. 10, No.2 'La Notte'.
Yeah, the titles don't really say much, but Vivaldi says it all!;)
Have been home alone which means I've played the violin a lot.

A small list for myself, consisting of songs I can play (mind you, I'm hardly grade 2):

• Eanach Dhuin
• Carrickfergus
• Eleanor Plunkett
• Brian Boru's March
• An Bonnán Bui
• Do You Remember that Night?
• Cailin na Gruaige Doinne
• The Fair Maid of Wicklow
• Carrigdhoun
• The Old Truigha
• The Dawning of the Day
• Port Gordon
• Sally Gardens
• Planxty Hewlett
• The Banks of the Suir
• The Old Resting Chair
• Tabhair dom do Lámh
• Planxty Connor
• The Foggy Dew
• The Month of January
• Carolan's Concerto

That's just the songs from Ireland's Best Slow Airs book. Working on Bach's Gavotte from Suite BWV1012.

Getting started

Right, I planned to do this in my mother tongue, but since I don't have all the letters on my keyboard...English it is. Um, so what has happened recently?

Health wise:

I'm on unpaid sick leave.

Cause I've been sick for eight years and have finally had enough of doctors telling me I'm fine according to their test results and asking me for a diagnosis.

Yeah, made an ultimatum to my doctor that can backfire but...fingers crossed it'll work.

Personal:

Well, since my health has hit rock bottom, nothing much has happened in the wowza! area. However I managed to get one little nightly shenanigan done with my boyfriend two nights ago. ;P

Yeah, but that's not enough for a 23 year old girl!

Good things:

• Dried Brush tooth lizard fish (salted)
• Classical music (strings and Vivaldi - wow!)
• The user dsharptheviolinist on Youtube (check him out!!)